I don’t know how to leave my partner who I take care of

[Candygurl444]

Hello, I’m not sure if this post will find anybody, it’s very long winded so I do apologise in advance. 2 years ago me and my partner got together and it was a very shaky relationship from the start, we have since had a little boy who has just turned one and I am expecting another one in the summer. We both live together in a rented property and I have just left the NHS as a nurse and starting another job next month which is more flexible, my partner has mental health/autism meaning he cannot work (he has UC and PIP in place) I am caring for him, making sure he takes his medications and attends appointments. He gets very angry and upset over anything that goes wrong for him (I.e his car) and then it’s my fault, he is awful with our new puppy and tells me repeatably he does not want her even though he bought her and shouts at her when she has an accident indoors, I explain to him that she is young and toilet training takes a while, he just shouts at me and tells me he wants to get rid. He gets frustrated with our son and shouts at him. I cannot take him out as our car seat is in his car which is off the road, I have asked him repeatedly to help me put this car seat as it’s very hard to do on my own in my car so that we can go out, he refused and said ‘it’s too much hard work’ so now I cannot leave the house with my son without my partner. I do not go out to see any friends (the last time was back in September) unless he is with me, I went on a small day trip just before returning from maternity leave without him and said if he gets overwhelmed then to call his parents (they live 2 mins away) and he switched his phone off so that I couldn’t contact him to check on him and our son when I was on a boat all day so I couldn’t go back. When I had my son I stayed in hospital for the day as I was awaiting breastfeeding support as he wouldn’t latch, it was late evening and they advised me to stay overnight as they wouldn’t be able to see me till the morning as partners couldn’t stay, I asked if he would like to stay at his parents which is 15 mins away from the hospital and come back in the morning, he kicked off and had a meltdown so we both left with our new baby at 1am. I have supported him in getting lots of support including anger support for him, but nothing has worked. It’s taking a huge toll on me as I am walking on eggshells, I want to leave him but he has threatened suicide/self harm and said he will go missing again (he has done this before but for different reasons). I told him two days ago that I don’t think I can make it through this year being with him but he had a meltdown and didn’t let me leave, I have no where else to go as unfortunately my mum has a huge addiction to illegal substances and it wouldn’t be safe for me and my son to stay there. I want to earn as much as I can to leave as this new agency nursing job is well paid but the more I earn, the less my partner gets from UC meaning I will have to cover 100% of all household bills and his bills leaving not enough savings, and having HG makes this very difficult too during this pregnancy.

This is my first ever post and if you’ve got this far then I really appreciate you for reading, I don’t know what to do and would like some advice please if anyone can help - thank you.

I agree with this.

This. His autism is not the cause of his behaviour to you or your dc or the puppy. It is his selfishness and his aggression. Him turning the phone off because you dared to go out for the day, and him threatening to go missing are abusive manipulation, pure and simple.

You are not his keeper, his mother or his nurse. You owe him nothing. You need to plan to leave before the new baby arrives. Who will look after the older child while you are in labour. You cannot protect both your dcs from a man like that.

Speak to Womens Aid and your midwife, ask for help from your family, but leave before the new baby arrives. Good luck xx

@Candygurl444 so sorry you’re going through this.

lots of great advice already re women’s aid, national da helpline.
please please speak to your community midwife - if you had ppd last time, you’re at increased risk and his behaviour will add to the stress. I would book a day of AL / call in sick to work but tell him you’re going to work and go to the midwife / GP.
whilst he’s not being physically abusive he’s clearly controlling and coercing you and you don’t feel safe. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to about this or stay with?

for the sake of your children you need to get out, he won’t change unless he wants to - it’s not fair or safe for you to stay. Sending love 💕

Agree with @Eyesopenwideawake apologies to the pp, but you cannot have a healthy conversation with your partner op, it's likely to increase the risk, rather than help him to change, you are pregnant if I understand your post, and have a baby so your safety has to come first.

I haven't rtft

I know it sounds dramatic but you need to get the advice of the DA helpline, a few of the phrases he's said to you are classic abuse. You can get your puppy fostered while you review your options there's procedures for that x

So sad you are bringing 2 children to a relationship you say has always been shaky, get out whilst you can, and think before you get into other relationships.

The more you post the more it seems that you must indeed get out of the situation. Again locally all midwives wil see women alone for at least part of one appointment. Could you pass a note requesting this to the receptionist next time you go to clinic or as a pp has suggested arrange an appointment but tell him you are working.

It’s a bit late, but if the relationship was shaky from the start. Why on earth did you bring not one but two babies in to this. You need to leave.

Could you write a note to pass to your midwife? Even if he's sitting there (and even my most devotedly adoring DS doesn't sit in on every one of his wife's midwife appointments), you could write down a request for help and a quick background and pass it to her. What's he going to do, snatch it out of her hand? In which case I think she's have a head's up about his behaviour anyway...

You are obviously an intelligent woman, you have to be to be a nurse. Were you love-bombed in the beginning by this man as you seem to have been hoodwinked into this relationship and as soon as you were tied to him with your child, the abuse began.
Fortunately, you are not tied to him so you are free to leave and I would suggest you do so asap. Don’t think about the sunken cost, you need to put this behind you and start afresh as a single mum - with or without a puppy. It would be responsible to find a loving, permanent home for the wee soul as it could end up dead or injured as an example of ‘what you make him do’.
But high-tail it out of there and start again. Womens Aid and the Freedom Programme may be useful. Good luck, but please don’t live like this 😢

Christ Alive, thats a lot to be dealing with.
What I would do, is be seriously considering an abortion if you have time. You might end up with two autistic children, plus him which for me would be unmanageable but maybe you think you’d cope but I know I wouldn't.
Re-home the puppy while its still young and cute and can be found a suitable home, how he’s treating the puppy is how he will be treating your child as they get older…poor thing.
I would be making plans to leave with your child - he’s bringing nothing good to your life, get out while you can.

Your h is abusive. Contact Women’s Aid and make plans to leave.

Do you have friends and family you can tell, so they can support you?

How far along is this pregnancy? Would you consider terminating?

And rehome the puppy.

You might benefit from taking the Freedom Programme before you get into another relationship. Sounds like this one moved far too fast and before you knew it, you were pg - to a man you don’t know and who can’t work due to his MH! What made you think he would be a good father or partner?

This is classic abuser behaviour. Please do.not let him know that you are considering separating, as perpetrators of domestic abuse, can increase the abuse as it's all about power and control.
You must let professionals know, so.you have a paper trail of the abuse and maybe consider informing your health visitor.
Women's Aid or another domestic abuse charity can support and advise you. If you feel scared in your home, you can phone the Police.
His abusive behaviour will be impacting on your child's wellbeing and your unborn baby's.

As PP have said:
rehome dog
contact women’s aid/shelter
seek termination if possible
get all paperwork in order

I know it doesn’t help things now, but for the future try and avoid having children with people before you’ve even had time to see they’re abusive

That is the classic abuser narrative thought, start taking advantage once you are pregnant and more vulnerable, then wheel out a sob story to justify the control and abuse.

I would also be thinking of a termination if possible. Think of it as in the best interests of the little boy you already have. You have a lot on your plate already - don't add to it. Don't tell him if you do do this - I can see him banging on about how you don't have the right, while taking no responsibility himself. I firmly believe the woman carries the child so she gets the choice.

How much notice do you have to give on your flat? Would he have to sign that or can you give notice alone? Ideally keep your plans quiet for as long as possible. Do you have any friends who could put you up for a temporary period?

I notice he was driving, going out and working when you met him. He's taking advantage of you. Get yourself, your baby and dog away from him.

And ignore his threats to harm himself. He won’t. That’s a control tactic, and it’s abusive.

If he does that after you leave, ring the police and ask for a welfare check.

You are not responsible for his actions!

You don't have to put up with this man child. Not your problem if you earning means he gets less. What you earn is your money for you and DC. Leave him, he will never make you happy or be a good parent to your DC. He will then get his money restored to him as much longer linked to you financially. If he doesn't have DS overnight to care for on his own he will have to pay maintenance for his DC from his benefits.

NRTFT
He hasn’t harmed you physically - yet. His angry behaviour is abusive to you, your ds and the puppy.
Abusive behaviour escalates over time, you are pregnant and vulnerable.
He is controlling your movements.
He is controlling your ‘loyalty’ by threatening suicide.
I cannot see a single positive to this awful man.
You absolutely need to leave. Rehoming the puppy will be difficult as rescues are heaving with poor dogs chucked out around the Christmas holidays and I suspect some poor dogs will end up as bait dogs because of this.
You are not responsible for his actions.
You are responsible for your dc, yourself and your unborn child. I think the puppy needs protecting too.
Please look into getting him out without compromising the safety of the above or a way of getting out and away from him.

You’ve only been together 2 years!
Who was ‘looking after’ him before this?

I thought you were going to say you’ve been together 20 years and he’s recently had an accident or something.

This is ridiculous and I’m glad you want to leave.

His MH or ND does not excuse his behaviour.

Could you write a little note and hand it to her or phone the Midwife service and give them a heads up that you need to speak in confidence at yourappointment? They will tell him to step out of the room but won't tell him why. They were supposed to do this with every woman to check if there were any abuse issues iirc unless the guidance has changed.

You can leave with your son. I did 20 years ago in very similar circumstances, though the violence escalated into extreme physical and I was left with no choice.
Make a plan , where you are going to go, when you're going to go. Stop making excuses about the car seat, if necessary either get another one or ask a friend or neighbour to help you put it into your car. He is NOT your responsibility. If he needs care help and mental health help this can be sourced through his GP and adult social care (contactable through your local authority) Ring them as soon as possible. Explain what is happening. If you need help with somewhere to go, contact women's aid. He doesn't get to make excuses and blame abusive behaviour on autism or mental health. Realise that he's distancing you from support, stop doing that, go out with your friends, don't allow him to manipulate the situation, he's a grown man. If there's health concerns about him being on his own then he needs to arrange a care alarm. You aren't responsible for his day to day well being.

With regards to the midwife appointment, you can email or phone and ask that your partner be asked to leave , he doesn't have to be there and you are allowed to speak to them alone

Op, please listen to the advice given to you.
This man is abusing you, he was managing fine until he didn’t need to. Surely you can see this isn’t all his autism, he’s choosing to be cruel to you,

Please get rid of the puppy, it’s too much and if he scares the pup and mistreats him, what does this show your child?. This could also result in behaviour problems as the dog grows - fear aggression is a very real problem. You don’t need that around children.

Seek advice from Woman’s aid, or your midwife if you can. Can you make an appointment with them, tell your husband you have to go and see your new employer before you start work?.
I really hope you find the help you need to leave, for your sake and your children. You all deserve way better

You can ring the MW and ask to talk to one of them too. At the very least to make them aware you need an appointment wo him but he isn’t likeky to do so. Then THEY can tell him to wait outside and blame guidelines etc….

Also if he was in supported living, did he have a social worker?
And if he was living with his aunt when you met, can he not go back to Luve with her, at least until his needs are covered?

I mean, if he was a kind guy, not aggressive etc… I’d say contact SS, made them aware of the situation (aka your separation) and sort out logistics before truly going your separate ways.
But he isn’t. And unfortunately, ensuring he is cared for isn’t your responsibility anymore. It’s his/his dad/his family. Your responsibility is with your dcs. I’d go as far as letting his dad and aunt know re the separation. Only when you physically move out of the place you’re renting g just now.