I don’t know how to leave my partner who I take care of

[Candygurl444]

Hello, I’m not sure if this post will find anybody, it’s very long winded so I do apologise in advance. 2 years ago me and my partner got together and it was a very shaky relationship from the start, we have since had a little boy who has just turned one and I am expecting another one in the summer. We both live together in a rented property and I have just left the NHS as a nurse and starting another job next month which is more flexible, my partner has mental health/autism meaning he cannot work (he has UC and PIP in place) I am caring for him, making sure he takes his medications and attends appointments. He gets very angry and upset over anything that goes wrong for him (I.e his car) and then it’s my fault, he is awful with our new puppy and tells me repeatably he does not want her even though he bought her and shouts at her when she has an accident indoors, I explain to him that she is young and toilet training takes a while, he just shouts at me and tells me he wants to get rid. He gets frustrated with our son and shouts at him. I cannot take him out as our car seat is in his car which is off the road, I have asked him repeatedly to help me put this car seat as it’s very hard to do on my own in my car so that we can go out, he refused and said ‘it’s too much hard work’ so now I cannot leave the house with my son without my partner. I do not go out to see any friends (the last time was back in September) unless he is with me, I went on a small day trip just before returning from maternity leave without him and said if he gets overwhelmed then to call his parents (they live 2 mins away) and he switched his phone off so that I couldn’t contact him to check on him and our son when I was on a boat all day so I couldn’t go back. When I had my son I stayed in hospital for the day as I was awaiting breastfeeding support as he wouldn’t latch, it was late evening and they advised me to stay overnight as they wouldn’t be able to see me till the morning as partners couldn’t stay, I asked if he would like to stay at his parents which is 15 mins away from the hospital and come back in the morning, he kicked off and had a meltdown so we both left with our new baby at 1am. I have supported him in getting lots of support including anger support for him, but nothing has worked. It’s taking a huge toll on me as I am walking on eggshells, I want to leave him but he has threatened suicide/self harm and said he will go missing again (he has done this before but for different reasons). I told him two days ago that I don’t think I can make it through this year being with him but he had a meltdown and didn’t let me leave, I have no where else to go as unfortunately my mum has a huge addiction to illegal substances and it wouldn’t be safe for me and my son to stay there. I want to earn as much as I can to leave as this new agency nursing job is well paid but the more I earn, the less my partner gets from UC meaning I will have to cover 100% of all household bills and his bills leaving not enough savings, and having HG makes this very difficult too during this pregnancy.

This is my first ever post and if you’ve got this far then I really appreciate you for reading, I don’t know what to do and would like some advice please if anyone can help - thank you.

So, well done for realising you need to leave.

The main points from your post, is that you have a joint tenancy. How long is left on the tenancy? What is the notice period?

Do you feel safe around this man, to discuss the separation?

He sounds terribly volatile and out of control of his anger. I hope you manage to leave him soon. Are his parents able to support you in any way?

Wow, I didn’t expect a quick reply, thank you!

Our tenancy is two years (we have been here for a year as needed a much bigger house)

He has never ever physically harmed me, but he gets very angry and shouts if I try and bring this up with him, he proceeds to say ‘why are you doing this to me’ ‘you’re making me like this’ and it makes me feel like an awful person and I just don’t know what to do.

Mental health issues and autism do not automatically make you a bullying, manipulative, unpleasant arsehole. If he thinks his shouting is not working fast enough he WILL up the stakes. Rehome the dog and rehome yourself ASAP.

Call Women's Aid for practical advice.

Shouting and threatening is a form of abuse, so don't minimise it. It's especially nasty because you have a small son.

It sounds like you could be in an abusive relationship to me, especially when I hear of him threatening suicide if you leave. Even if he was never physical, they can be controlling in other ways. If so, it could prove hard/impossible to leave by telling him. I would ring womens aid and get advice. Remember too that you don't need really permission from him to leave. If he doesn't want to accept it, that's on him. I wouldn't put him down or point out his flaws when doing it though. Chances are he's well aware and could be in denial. Id ring womens aid

It is more complicated now that you both decided to have a second child.
What if either of the children inherit his mental problems?
How will you cope with three of them?
I think you should move out with the child ASAP.

Can you order a taxi or catch buses and trains?

First I would re home the puppy. Its to much work on top of everything you already have going on.
And realistically you would be left with the dog when you split up .
Also stop making excuses for his behaviour. Autism is not a way to make being a awful person ok.
He obviously had the ability to learn to drive and form a relationship with you in the first place. So he is not completely helpless. He has just manipulated you into thinking he is.
He just sounds very selfish spoilt and lazy . With a bad temper.
And it may sound very harsh but you have to try to out aside his threats of suicide. That is not your responsibility.
Can you ask him to leave ?

Until you can leave, you need to learn how to stand up to him.

Calmly and firmly say: No one is making you like this, except you. You are an adult and wholly responsible for your own behaviour. I am responsible for my behaviour, not yours.

Also say: Do not shout at me. I will not tolerate this aggression. It is bad for me, bad for our son and it is not good for you either. Say what you need to say calmly and I will listen. If you shout, I will leave the room.

Being autistic is not licence for bad behaviour. But I have learned from DH (who is autistic but nice!) that it can be more difficult for some autistic people to understand a differing point of view from their own.

Another thing I have learned is that it can take for bloody ever for an autistic person to do something, especially if it requires change. There are loads of small things I used to ask DH about and his default answer would be 'No', for no good reason. Then I realised I don't have to ask his permission for small things or turn them into a negotiation. These days I just do things and he finds out afterwards.

You are planning to parent singly soon anyway, so get into the habit of acting on your own decisions and solving your own problems. If you want it doing, get someone else to help move that car seat. Don't ask his permission, just take the keys while he is watching TV or whatever, and get a friend to help. If he gets angry, tell him you need the car seat. Or just get a second car seat - one that fits into your car. I know you are not supposed to use second hand ones, but if you are given one by a friend you trust, that has never been in a crash, it will be fine.

Pick your battles until you can leave. Stand up for yourself without escalating any arguments.Your child deserves to grow up in a harmonious home.

Gosh you really need help now.Firstly rehome the puppy. You say your partner bought it and has shouted at it,you don’t need more stress.You have a 1 year old and are pregnant again due in the summer.You are starting a new job next month where does the baby go whilst you work?You simply can’t manage all this alone.Can you speak to your midwife and tell her what is happening and stress you need help.Re the car seat can you ask someone to fit it for you urgently?You need to leave this awful situation speak to his parents and tell them what is happening will they help you? I wish you well

@Jugendstiel From the OP do you think the partner will respond positively to your suggested words and actions? I don't. I think your advice, whilst well meant, is likely to make things much worse.

Rehome the puppy while it has a chance of finding a good home. Putting a dog into this mix is unfair. Contact the breeder or RSPCA. At least it will be one less thing to worry about.

Echoing the other responses this is abusive. The threats to hurt himself or go missing are likely just threats. If he goes missing or again threatens to hurt himself then report him to the police saying you regard him as vulnerable due to ASD. Request they carry out a welfare check.

Start making practical moves towards leaving. Rehome the puppy it will be one less dependent for you to manage and will reduce costs. Can his parents or friends/neighbours help you put the car seat in your car? If you have to leave in a hurry at least you can. Gather together your important documents and a couple of days worth of clothing for you and your son with some toys leave a bag in the boot of your car.

Shame in a way that you have quit your NHS job as sick leave/maternity rights are very good but the appeal of flexibility with an agency is understandable. Anyway you could do a part time NHS role alongside your new agency job or does that commit you to a certain number of hours? Contact your letting agency about breaking the lease early and contact a womens aid organisation because you are being abused, you will only be more vulnerable when the second baby arrives.

I would consider an abortion if you are still within the time frame. Having another child with this abusive unemployed deadbeat would be a mistake.

well done for realising you need to split up. Ignore his threats. He is responsible for his behaviour and choices, not you.

I think she's right, for what it's worth. Lay down the line and make it clear that you won't tolerate that behaviour.

Speak to woman's aid, you may have to go into a refuge for a short time and will not be able to take the puppy so rehome her or get a friend to take her for a bit. You need to get out though. Reinforce your boundaries and plan quietly to leave while he is out of the house/in the shower/asleep.

Get paperwork in order and secured somewhere safe. Birth certificates, yours and babies. Passports if you have them. Proof of finances, proof of tenancy, your car logbook/papers. Once you leave, immediately withdraw half the money from any joint accounts, before he has time to.

I do mostly everything in this home, cleaning, laundry and meals and baths for our son. I do all the puppy training and toilet training, little boy starts nursery this month which took a lot of convincing from partner. His family know what he can be like but his mother behaved extremely badly towards me when I tried to console in her about this (very heavy drinker I.e may be autistic herself) and he tends to run to her when things get tough and twists things and then apologises days later. Thank you all for your replies, I’m glad I found this group!

If you were my daughter (I may actually be old enough to be your grandmother) I would absolutely want you to turn up on my doorstep with no warning and would give you all a safe and welcoming place. That includes the puppy.
Would also, if you asked for advice, be advising you to terminate if possible.
Please leave as quickly as you can to a place of safety and don’t look back.

2 years in and you have 2 kids, a dog and have become his carer! That's too intense, too fast. Who cared for him before you came along? It sounds like he is abusive rather than disabled. Get some support from a domestic abuse charity to leave. This isn't healthy for any of you. It sounds like you won't be able to get him to leave without a court order and police assistance but that is something womens aid can advise on.

I have all the documents, all of my sons documents and the car is in my name, I’m also the bill payer for all bills that come out (I don’t think that would make a difference though being joint!) what would happen if I packed up and left with my son? I’d never want to take away this from his dad as most of the time he adores him when he isn’t in a mood, I am the main caregiver for him and I buy and provide everything for him?

I don't know. How do you suggest she lives day by day? It's very easy to say 'rehome yourself' and 'call women's aid' but the reality of doing this is not a magic wand wave. In the meantime, she lives with this man. Calmly, reasonably standing your ground against verbal bullies is often very effective. He is not physically violent.

@Jugendstiel Yet.

Woah
he sounds incredibly abusive and like he is using autism as an excuse (I have autism, and so does my dad) He may get overwhelmed but it does not excuse most of his behaviour. He needs to move out.

you are trapped in the house, he doesn’t look after the house the kids the dog you or himself and he actively adds a lot of work, whilst trapping you at home or ‘not letting’ you leave.
this is too much for one person to handle
speak to any resource you can about domestic abuse. Speak to your gp about support, speak to anyone you can about support for him if it makes you feel better to shift responsibility onto someone else (but you can just withdraw care if you want to)

i know you feel like it’s your responsibility but it’s not. You have tried to help, he doesn’t want to help himself, and he has family who can help. But your dc have no one except you and they need to be your priority. Personally I would rehome the dog because this really is too much for one person and you don’t need to make your life so hard

Nothing would happen.

You and your ex would need to agree contact between you, and if you can't agree he would need to take you to court though.

First things first though:
Rehome the puppy - it doesn't sound safe and you can't cope with a puppy alongside everything.
Consider your options on continuing the pregnancy
See if you can get your ex out of the house/off the tenancy - or whether you can leave the tenancy

You need a plan

You dont want to stay with him. And you have nowhere else to go. That means you first step is to secure another tenancy for you to move into and to ensure you’re not on the current tenancy agreement.
Id say also putting a bit of money aside to tie you over when you do move out - you’re not going to get ML (am I right there?) so you need a plan on how to deal with ML, benefits, childcare when you get back to work and a bit of a buffer until you fall into your feet.

In the mean yime, I’m not sure I’d say a lot to him tbh. Not when he has stopped you from moving out already.

After that, I’d say that when, how you tell him, how you organise things will depend a lot of his behaviour.
youve been together only 2 years. That’s means he can in the recent past being able to look after himself. You migut have fallen into a carer role. But he has coped without befure. He can again.
You COULD do a transition period to help him settle but only IF 1- he isn’t aggressive towards you, the dcs or the dog and 2- you can actually want to rather than feel you should iyswim

I say that someone who is disabled, would struggle to live on my own and has a dh and dc on the spectrum….
You can separate. You just need a bit more organising than most women do.

Re home the puppy and leave. Stop paying the bills. Take your son and go. Forget about him. He probably won’t want organise himself enough to seek access.