How to deal with a high earning no custody (his choice) Dad who treats me like the nanny?

[florencemean]

I know I am very ‘lucky’ in the sense that my ex is a high earner and he pays close to the top of the CMS allowance according to the calculator (though we never went through CMS so this is all based on good faith.

That aside, I’ve been the one parent two our 2 high needs teen DC for the last two year since we split and I make the most of it but sometimes it really gets me down how much responsibility I have versus his absolute freedom.

The divorce is done now and I’m not looking for advice on the finances. More the…how do you do the mental gymnastic to cope with some guy who thinks ‘well I give you a 6th of my salary, that makes you the nanny’?

I try not to let it piss me off, but we both wfh he has the kids never, I have them full time including one who doesn’t go to school as home schooled waiting on EHCP.

Ive always been polite and amicable re co parenting but it’s wearing thin to be honest.

Just tell him the kids will need to go to his one day and one night each week so that you can have some respite from the 24/7 care provided.

What I do need is someone to co-parent with me through this EHCP process. There is a tribunal coming up soon, I’ve done all the paperwork to get us this far but I don’t understand the process or what I need to do. I can’t afford a lawyer

Have you sat him down and spoke to him about this?
Have you asked him to sit and help you with the paperwork or get a lawyer?
Tell him he’s not being a good dad if he doesn’t help you.

You say he says he loves and cares for you all and so hopefully he is amicable enough to actually help you with things like this.

Him being gay is a red herring.
You are supposed to be more accepting because he’s had such a hard time/finally found the strength to come out but that’s irrelevant because he’s still a dad and this would be no different if he went off with an OW.

Unfortunately many dads do get to swan off and not have to deal with the mental load of parenting.

Could you ask for him to pay for a tutor as well.

I know the whole point of this thread is that you can’t just throw money at things but he is not going to give you the support you need and so try and get it from paying other people like lawyers and tutors etc, which he should pay for.

We could have in the past but his new DP wasn’t happy about us being on good terms so the cordial ‘friendship’ side was severed on that basis. In the past I’d have invited him for a walk to discuss it but the new relationship comes first now!

This is making me think of trans widows, who are expected to celebrate their husband suddenly calling themselves women. He's redefined himself and chosen another knob (literally and figuratively) to spend his time with. Both of them are rewriting history like mad, so that you and the kids don't exist.

Make the most of the money. Save what you can. Your XH will never in a million years acknowledge you've had a harder time than him. He's stuck in a narcissistic bubble and doesn't want to get out of it.

His poor parents and children, too. Imagine being a blood relative to such a bellend.

I tried to respond to the insane comments on here calling people homophobic for noticing a pattern (but they were deleted) - some of you are bending over backwards to defend men and its weird 😐

Best of luck op

There are a lot of guys who do not appreciate all the work that their partner does and will not admit if they even realize it at all that being a full-time caregiver is a full-time job. They seem to think that because you're at home, that this is easy stuff, it's not a real job etc.
Unfortunately, you may not be able to change his mind about this and yes it would be really gratifying for you to hear him thank you for your hard work, and acknowledge that it is hard work but, you might not ever get that. Some people simply won't realize it and other people if they do, simply won't say it.

It's a real shame that he's living his best life with his high income his free time and his new partner (you not having any of those things) and him telling you and the children all about it. I was going to say if he's posting any of this on social media, stop following him on social media so you don't have to see these updates. Social media is notorious for always sounding like everything is good and everyone's on holiday and doing fun things except you, but if he's telling you and the children about it, I mean, you don't want to say" hey, we don't want to hear about this" (because no matter what, he's still your ex-husband, and still the father of your children, plus he's financially tied up with you because of the support as well... You don't want to be making an enemy...) but god, dude, read the freaking room! Do you not see how incredibly inappropriate it is to tell your kids about all the fun wonderful things you're doing, you don't realize that they're going to feel jealousy or bitterness or sadness that "Dad has the time and the money and the interest to do all these wonderful things but he won't do them with us"?

So yeah, you do want to keep your relationship on friendly terms but maybe just lay that out for him, don't tell me but all the fun things that you're doing unless you're going to involve your kids in some of these fun things, otherwise, we'd prefer not to hear about it if you don't mind.

Definitely irksome. The whole thing. Very difficult for all of you (minus him)

There is an EHCP support thread on here you may find useful.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5309128-ehcp-support-thread-no-5?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Thank you. Just to clarify, I’m not ‘at home’ I’m working a full time job.

As is he, but his is unencumbered by child rearing.

I think you should keep him up dated at every step.

“I’ve filled in from 72 today. Read section 4 and let me know what you think.”

”DC2 had a good homeschooling day today but is still having trouble with xyz. What do you suggest next?”

He might not have any useful input, but he’ll have to acknowledge that parenting is a daily job, that you do without him!

Find out how much it would cost to get legal or expert advice to complete the EHCP. Then ask him to share the cost with you.

I think you have a lot of unresolved anger that has surfaced because of his choices and because he is in a new relationship. It’s clouding your ability to assert what you want

You don't need to pay for advice to get an EHCP. Yes sometimes paying for assessments can be helpful. But everything you need to understand the process is freely available on sites such as IPSEA.

It costs a lot of time mainly.

What does he say in his defence for being such a useless/feckless father? Why have you not discussed him taking then couple of nights a week now he is settled with new partner?