How to deal with a high earning no custody (his choice) Dad who treats me like the nanny?

[florencemean]

I know I am very ‘lucky’ in the sense that my ex is a high earner and he pays close to the top of the CMS allowance according to the calculator (though we never went through CMS so this is all based on good faith.

That aside, I’ve been the one parent two our 2 high needs teen DC for the last two year since we split and I make the most of it but sometimes it really gets me down how much responsibility I have versus his absolute freedom.

The divorce is done now and I’m not looking for advice on the finances. More the…how do you do the mental gymnastic to cope with some guy who thinks ‘well I give you a 6th of my salary, that makes you the nanny’?

I try not to let it piss me off, but we both wfh he has the kids never, I have them full time including one who doesn’t go to school as home schooled waiting on EHCP.

Ive always been polite and amicable re co parenting but it’s wearing thin to be honest.

I'd drop the kids off at his and advise him to take me to court 🤷‍♀️

Are you serious? He used the OP and created children and now wants to just leave them to it - not unlike the police who had relationships and children whilst undercover.

If anyone has internalised homophobia, it's him, and he used her to try to persuade himself he wasn't gay. She's allowed to be angry that he lied to her for so long, and used up so much of her life trying to avoid facing up to his own homophobia.

Yet another example of a gay man getting the kids he wants from a woman who won't cause problems before suddenly realising his sexuality

Gay or straight, men are our oppressors ladies.

@florencemean my take on this is that potentially every woman who decides to have children could easily find themselves in this situation.
Because women give birth they are the default nurturer, biological fact. It's far more common for men to opt out of parenting than women.
The positives are that he pays for his children. Also that they are older so you don't have too many years of hard-core lone parenting ahead of you.
If he's opted out of hands on parenting and pays accordingly there's not much you can do. The payback will be adult children who have little or no time for him.

Does he earn over 200k annually? £210,000 pa would make 1/6th of his salary a low end nanny salary, although it wouldn't leave a penny to cover feeding and housing two teenagers; assuming he's not actually paying £30,000+ in child maintenance, I wonder if there's any way to point that out...

This is just the typical dad leaving and letting go of all his responsibilities.

It is the typical Disney dad scenario where the mum does everything and the dad swans in and does some fun stuff every now and then.

Sometimes it’s the other way around but 99% of the time it is the dad that leaves and chooses to flake on their responsibilities.

The only positive here is that you get a decent maintenance - imagine doing everything you’re doing but for £10 a week (if that for many people).

If there’s kids were older I would be demanding a proper schedule but they should get to choose when they spend time with him.

The only thing you can do is talk to him about how hard you’re finding being the one having to do everything, whilst he is off living his new life.
I don’t know what he can do about it though apart from have the kids more but they don’t seem to want that.

I would definitely ask him to take the to the in-laws though.
They’re also old enough to get a train to them and so could he facilitate that even?

The kids don’t want to go to his. One is nearly an adult and the other has SEN. Why on earth would you recommend this course of action. They are both past the nanny stage.

Yes Lemontt, I saw this after I commented based on the op

This.

If he is not going to step up and look after the children sometimes to give you a break then he needs to pay for appropriate levels of childcare to do this and also an allowance for you to spend time away from the family home to recuperate.

He doesn’t get to swan off and treat you like his parental handmaiden.

He may well be paying upper end of CMS but you don’t have to settle for that.

You’ve been far too accommodating imho.

You need to sit down with him and make clear something has to change. He either steps up or pays up.

As for the children not wanting to visit - well why would they when he’s made clear that he’s “moved on”. If he doesn’t want to pay then he needs to start putting the effort in that he’s put into his new relationship with his kids so they want to spend time with him.

It’s not homophobia to object to being married to and having had children on the basis of a lie.

Women give up so much to have kids without the whole set up being based on deception

The OP is describing a selfish shit

This with bells on

With regard to the what support I need, posters are absolutely right it’s not like they need nannies.

What I do need is someone to co-parent with me through this EHCP process. There is a tribunal coming up soon, I’ve done all the paperwork to get us this far but I don’t understand the process or what I need to do. I can’t afford a lawyer.

I’m working full time from home whilst trying to supervise an anxious, ND teen who is being tutored from here.

I need to feel like my child has two parents, not one. Because there are two parents - but one is flirting about on mini breaks and celebration tours of his new love.

i need him to pull his head out of his arse and do his best so our child gets the best.

i have absolutely no way of making him do this, though.

I’m on my own and overwhelmed, if anyone has ever had a child who cannot go to school they will understand.

btw I have a VERY supportive partner (we don’t live together) so it’s not emotional support I need in that sense. It’s me and the ex being a team for our child(ren)

He has been incredibly selfish. And is continuing to be. You are entitled to be angry with him about that.

What? You can't take a man to court to force him to have MORE contact with his children. A 'visitation schedule' would be 100% mum, 0% dad. And you think she needs a court order why?
Additionally, going through CMS (not the family court!) for maintenance is strongly not required if you have a voluntary agreement between you. Going to CMS would be pointless and potentially detrimental. What do you think OP needs a lawyer for?!

How would that make anything better for anyone?! One of them is in 6th form!!

Write to him and ask him to pay for a lawyer. He might decline or ignore you but it's worth an ask.

Its okay that you havent read the full thread 💐

He’s doing what a lot of non-resident parents do after a divorce and loving only thinking about his needs. I don’t think he’s even thinking about you and his treatment of you (you’ve split up!) because he’s loving being carefree and he’s seeing his happiness as proof that he’s doing the right thing.

You shouldn’t have coddled him with crap like “time to recuperate“ Did he even go to therapy and work on things or did he get straight on Grindr and shagged his way to today? You know which he is !

Time to say that since things have settled down, you need a child contact routine eg every other weekend. The kids should have had that consistency from the day you split, even if it was a couple of dinners a week since he’s so close. He’s been very narcissistic in his behaviour and everyone has indulged it when he should have been parenting at least part-time. Presumably he was a willing parent.

The reality is that a parent who doesn’t want to parent can just stop and delegate it to the other parent. I have a high-earning ex who has been financially generous and tbh society think that I am very lucky 🤨 The bar is very low and people have said how great it is that he saw our kids 24 hours a fortnight 🤨

What are you on about?
I read the whole thread. The kids don't want to go to stay with him. One of them is almost an adult. How the fuck are you suggesting dropping them at his house and fucking off would help anything?!

Later in the thread i clarified that i made the post on the basis of the op

It was later said that the kids are teens 🙄🙄

I referred to them as “our two high need teens” in the op, to be fair…

I saw the high needs part and focused on that, rather than the teens part

Ah well, can't win em all 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ - you still could drop them at his tbf, although your oldest would just walk right back home by the sounds of it

@ShawnaMacallister is still being a bit much though

I’d be OK with that as a single parent who was grudgingly paid £190 per calendar month by my ex-husband.