How to deal with a high earning no custody (his choice) Dad who treats me like the nanny?

[florencemean]

I know I am very ‘lucky’ in the sense that my ex is a high earner and he pays close to the top of the CMS allowance according to the calculator (though we never went through CMS so this is all based on good faith.

That aside, I’ve been the one parent two our 2 high needs teen DC for the last two year since we split and I make the most of it but sometimes it really gets me down how much responsibility I have versus his absolute freedom.

The divorce is done now and I’m not looking for advice on the finances. More the…how do you do the mental gymnastic to cope with some guy who thinks ‘well I give you a 6th of my salary, that makes you the nanny’?

I try not to let it piss me off, but we both wfh he has the kids never, I have them full time including one who doesn’t go to school as home schooled waiting on EHCP.

Ive always been polite and amicable re co parenting but it’s wearing thin to be honest.

If I didn’t make it clear he doesn’t have any responsibility for the kids. They’re with me 24/7 unless I ask for a ‘favour’

How has this come about - what would happen if you said I need you to have them one weekend in 4? Even a slight rebalancing would probably help you here?

We separated because he confessed he was gay. He’d been living a lie. He still loved the kids and cared for all of us as a family.

He moved less than a mile away, I tried to keep him in the loop. Said he could visit and see the Dc any time while he ‘recovered’ from the toll of things he’d been through in the relationship.

He never really stepped up re: the kids but I kept facilitating things with them. He’d have one or the other over for dinner.

to be fair I was just focussed on me and the kids as a new unit.

but 9 months ago he met a new partner (male) I was happy for him! Since then he demands the kids for the odd event but spends all his time with new DP and it’s all about that new relationship, really.

He tells the DC all the lovely things he’s doing with his new DP, swishing him off to London and to meet his parents etc. all thing my DC would actually like to be doing with their Dad but aren’t invited to.

I am still cordial with ex DH, but honestly, I feel like just laying it out but I know it would be water off a duck’s back as he seems to be fully in his ‘I’m finally happy, everybody should be happy for me’ era.

Sorry you’ve been through this. It’s mind blowing if he can’t see the inconsistency between “loving” his kids and never having them to stay with him. Would it be any use making it clear that you expect him to start having them regularly on a weekend? A bit of that freedom that he has could do a great deal for you?

Thank you, it’s quite hard now as when we separated they were in year 8 and year 10 and really wanted him to step up.

but now oldest is in 6th form and has no time for him (as she gave up on him) so she’s quite old enough to be given a voice and a choice and I support her in her saying she doesn’t want to sleep at this. He seems oblivious that she’s chosen this because of their relationship, thought.

DS is younger and does the occasional overnight as and when he wants to. Which isn’t that often.

I could deal with the whole being gay, needing to recuperate etc business but the fact that I’m left to cope with everything while he’s swanning around showing off his new relationship is hard.

Like, the taking his new DP to meet his in laws things. The DC and in laws mutually adore each other and due to distance only see each other around 6 times a year. The fact that he’s arranged a trip to see them with his new DP when him facilitating the kids seeing their Gp is what should matter just irks my patience.

Yeah when do you get to recuperate from being married to him?! Never apparently! It sounds like you’re doing a great job with the DC and that they can see this inbalance too / I can see it must be hugely frustrating - hopefully someone with useful advice will be along soon!

You could take the high earning and gay parts out of your post and it would read like many other posts on MN by women whose ex-Hs don’t step up and do thei share (or any share) of the childcare. Unfortunately you can’t make a parent do their bit for their kids if they don’t want to. You can make them pay child maintenance.

When your kids are older, they will recognise use for themselves what sort of parent their father has been.

Can you get in touch with the in laws and ask them to have the DC?

Hopefully they may kick him up from the backside.

I know, and I completely agree with you. I guess the question is how do it mentally come to terms with it, especially when I am ‘compensated’ financially at least.

I wasn’t suggesting I was an outlier, more explaining given I get financial support should I just be ok with that?

No, that won’t be possible. They’re 100 miles away and although lovely, very involved grandparents were never close or willing enough to provide childcare from the start. Which I’ve never had issue with, but they aren’t going to start now with ailing health in their 70s and good for them,

Although they can’t help much, I’d try to facilitate a closer relationship with the GP. Invite them down if you have room or let the kids go to them for a couple of nights if they’ll have them. They’re old enough to travel by themselves by the sound of it.

He’s a deadbeat dad sadly and totally selfish.

No, if it’s not okay and if the world was fair you wouldn’t have to be okay with anything. But your ex is crap, the world isn’t fair so you’ve got no other choice. Sometimes being a good parent means you’ve got to step up and do more than your fair share when the other one turns out to be a shit parent. I’m sorry that sounds brutal but it is what it is. Finances are irrelevant. No amount of money can take away your DCs hurt at having a useless father, nor your pain when you see them hurt.

Long term you’re in a good place tho. Your DC will understand and love you for how much you’re sacrificing. I think it sometimes helps to see that your ex is taking an easy ride now but giving up so much in the future. He won’t be the one they turn to when they break up with a partner, and he won’t be the first phone call when they get engaged. He won’t be the one their own DC know and love as a grandparent and he won’t be the one they ask for help when their own DC are teens. He’s a fool.

It’s not a question of what’s fair or you thinking his abdication of his role is ok. I know, I have been there. I split from my older kids’ dad when they were 1 and 3. He got with someone else immediately, they went on the marry and have another child. Often went on holidays without my two, stuff like that.

They’re now in their 20s. They love their dad but they see him for who and what he is. One of them only sees him 3-4 times a year. I’m very close with both of them. I don’t see this as any sort of “victory” - in fact I’m sad for them that their childhood was like this. But many people’s parents weren’t great and that just is what it is.

I’d focus more on yourself and your kids and less on resentment for what he isn’t doing.

He doesn't 'need to recuperate'.

He's just swept up in his own narcissism.

If you didn't go to court to establish a visitation schedule, you should have.

You should also get that monthly support payment made official, via family court. Leaving it up to his 'goodwill' means he calls the shots - you are handing yourself to him on a plate. If you step out of line, ask for more 'favours', etc, he can punish you very easily.

You are allowing him to erase evidence of the massive lie he told you for many years when you and your children quietly slink into the background. He can move on without any reminder of the lives he brought into a relationship he knew was doomed. He can avoid the narcissistic injury most people recognise as conscience. You feel he treats you like the nanny because that is what he has turned you into, in his mind, to protect his ego. And you have helped him do that.

Where is your anger? You owe this man no kindness. Getting married to you and living as a couple with children was freely chosen by him. It wasnt a penance.

Get a lawyer and start fighting for your children's rights, and yours.

You can't take the gay out.

The children will know all their lives that they were brought into this world as part of a lie, because their father wanted to project a false image of himself and was willing to use everyone who thought they were close to him to maintain that lie.

Ask me how I am familiar with the trauma this causes.

Oh it's so hard especially as these are teens so, as you rightly point out, should have their own say in where they go and when. It's not as easy as 'off to your dads.'

Firstly, the 'I shouldn't complain' or 'I should be grateful' mentality because you get money has to go. You said close to the CMS cap but CMS is a minimum, not maximum and is money owed to children he created.

"I give you a 1/6 of my salary"
"No you give your children a 1/6 of your salary which is the bare minimum legally required" (btw I would love my kids to only cost 1/6 of my salary)

Then work out what you want. It sounds like things are difficult but you have worked hard to rebuild with your kids. You are showing up for them and they will see it. What do you want from your ex. He's clearly too self absorbed to show remorse or take accountability. Do you want more practical support? Do you want him to have set days?

It's also fine to go, no things are actually easier without him but I hate that that's true and wish he were remorseful and wanted to be more present. Sometimes a good bitch to get it off your chest is what's needed. Do you have any friends so you can lay down the law and insist he has them one night then go out for a large glass of wine and rant session.

You, and they, were props to him. Discarded props in a fake life.

But in your own lives you are the stars. You get to have close relationships with them, see them grow, be part of their lives. They get a wonderful, committed and present mother. Who genuinely cares about them. He might treat you as a nanny, but you know the truth, you have done the most difficult and rewarding job in the world. His sad, superficial life pales in comparison.

Wow. You clearly haven’t heard of internalised homophobia. Presumably too preoccupied with your own very externalised homophobia.

Thanks all, I real appreciate all replies.

i realised today all I really want is for him to appreciate and acknowledge how me taking full responsibility for the kids is facilitating his new life. Like, just a ‘thanks’ or and ‘I know it’s hard’ once in a while would make a big difference,

I know he won’t, though, and it’s about accepting the man he is not the man I wish he was.

The maintenance is in the consent order (I mashed sure if it) and that’s legally binding.

Child maintenance irrespective of being in a court order can be changed after 12 months and simply dealt with by cms. Courts don’t have jurisdiction after 12 months

Get an agreement for him to pay for a specialist nanny, for as much time as you need and as long as the DC need your care.
Hes never going to change and be the father they deserve, so get support so you can be as supported as possible.

I think you need to reframe your relationship with him. He isn’t treating you as the nanny because you aren’t a family unit any more. Your relationship and his relationship with his children is defined in the consent order and it is almost entirely transactional. That is boundary you both agreed to and as you say you insisted upon. I doubt he thinks about your role and given the children’s ages that you are any kind of nanny.

As his wife you had some influence on his decision as his ex you don’t. You probably won’t ever have any. You could ask him for more help but that would predicate on whether your children want more time with him. One doesn’t. Is he even a good option for the other. Maybe a tutor or a paid carer is needed.

As frustrating as this is and as unfair as it is, you can’t change it or him. Giving same in your head to bitterness over it won’t impact on him at all.

What support do you need with your children and what are the other options for getting it.

Of course it's not OK, but what can you actually do about it?

My kids see their dad twice a month for the day, he pays maintenance (more than most, but less than he would if he paid a reasonable percentage of his income)

I do all the care. He has never been to a parents evening or performance. (he did come to a sportsday or two when the split was fresh, but spend all the time on his phone, not cheering on the kids)

All you can do is be everything and not expend an ounce of effort on his behalf. I absolutely don't facilitate his mum visiting (I did at first, then I discovered that things I had said made their way back to him, and he had her visit without inviting my kids over - and my eldest adored his grandmother)

I haven't exchanged a real-life word with him in over 4 years, and I can count on two hands how many individual words have happened over email. He just sends calendar invites, and that's perfect. I couldn't care less about his life. I have mine and the kids to concentrate on (that did take a few years to stop being angry about , I freely admit)