Should I do more to get ex to DD's performance?

[Sprogonthetyne]

DD(6) is learning an instrument and has her first end of term proformance next week. When we've talked about it I've said I can wait to see her band and when she's asked if dad's going, I've just said "I don't know, you'll have to ask him".

I've reminded DD to ask/invited her dad before phone calls or visits and she said she did last contact. Apparently dad said he'd "probably be there", but didn't contact me to ask date/time or anything else. As this is the earliest event, I thought maybe he didn't realise it was so soon so I've sent over a copy of the kids calendar for December, showing the dates of all the Christmas/end of term events (5 between 2 kids), but still nothing to say if he's going to any of them.

Should I push it further or leave the ball in his court?

It’s bad enough that women take on most of the mental load for men that they’re married to, but some would do it for their ex?!?

He’s an adult. He can work it out. If he misses it and DD is sad about it, he can make more of an effort next time. If he still doesn’t care and doesn’t try, that shows what he thinks of his relationship with his daughter.

@Sprogonthetyne

I am divorced and with 2 kids too. And an ex I don't have a good relationship with for a whole host of reasons.
My approach to this all is simple - what is best for the kid.

If you think she'll really appreciate her dad being there - which I am guessing she would - I'd simply send him a message saying so, and giving place/time.

Point making - and saying "I am not his PA", etc - is all good if you want to continue needing to prove to the world that he is a bad, unorganised, uncaring father. Proving that may give you some satisfaction - but your DD is only 6. In the long term - she'd be happier if dad was there.

Additionally - I think the 6yo should NOT be in the position of having to inform 2 parents of calendars and details. The administration should really be done between parents. Putting that responsibility on a small child is unfair and unnecessary. It is completely normal to pass on school/concert info by one parent to the other - it's normal co-parenting.

When we were together he didn't, but I did ask him 6 months ago to add himself to the mailing list (when we did the same dance over sports days and end of year concerts). I don't know if he actually did, and based on previous for it's unlikely, but the information is definitely available to him

I think since this is her first performance and the first Christmas since you separated I'd explicitly send a message saying "dd is performing at x time in x place. She is really hoping you will be there".

For dd and not for him.

It's not your job to remind him.

With my ex I took the stance of reminding him of stuff that was especially important to the kids. So as it's her first one I would remind him. Usually bashed along the lines of "X is hyper excited about Y. Trying to manage her expectations, can you let her know if you are going? I've told her I'm going, but granny isn't."

I didn't for general things though.

Totally with you OP, it’s just that if he doesn’t turn up and she’s really upset, that would just upset me and he wouldn’t care as he wouldn’t be there at the time but I would be. A two second text is the lesser of two evils imho.

This! No way should you be reminding him. I tell my DH once & expect him to remember (make a note / put it in his calendar etc) which he does because he’s a fully grown competent man who is also a decent father & this stuff is important to him. That doesn’t mean either one of us might miss things due to work commitments but we know / discuss this in advance.

If we were ever to split, there’s absolutely no way I’d act as his PA but to be fair, he wouldn’t need me to AS HE’S A GROWN MAN!!!

No, the 6yo is only expected to tell him she wants him to be there. He would then need to look at the calendar picture I sent him to find out the details, or message me to check.

I wouldn’t. I’d contact school and ask them to make sure all info is sent to fathers as well as you.

But you are still effectively putting her in charge of getting him to contact you. Not fair.

the calendar may say there’s a performance but won’t say “starring 6 year old minisprog” so it really might not have been noticed by him. I do get it and I have had many many frustrations with my ex, but I always tried to not involve the children.

these performances are not every day. You could have taken less time than you did by repeatedly reminding her, to drop a simple one line message to him. Job done, and over to him.

The calendar I sent is one that I've written all of our childrens xmas events on and says "DDs band concert". Combined with the 6yo saying "dad are you coming to my concert?" it's hardly cryptic.

@Sprogonthetyne
You are recently divorced, and it is clear that you are carrying wounds and resentment.
In the end of the day, it's up to you if you make it all about your feelings, and carry around past resentments.

You have spent a lot more time on MN justifying why you shouldn't be the bigger person and put your kid's feeling ahead of yours - it'd have taken a min to send an email. You can if course chose to not remind him, and potentially see your daughter disappointed.
Maybe this is what you want subconsciously - for DD to see her Dad as less than? But I am not sure this is the best way - your daughter is only 6.

Quick message ..... 'daughter would really love you to attend her concert next Friday at 6 pm at the school hall. Tickets are available from here ....'

100% this. If it was something he didn’t know about, obviously tell him. If he has access to the same information you have and he still doesn’t remember, that’s absolutely on him.

I’m of the opinion that while it’s a bit of a tough thing for a kid to start to see that their father is either disorganized, lazy or just not very engaged as a parent, it’s better for them to learn that than to grow up with unrealistic expectations or beliefs about who he is.

I used to chivvy and pleasantly nag my ex to show up to our children’s performances and school events while we were together (and half the time he didn’t bother showing up even then) but when we separated, I just made him a list of newsletters and apps he needed to sign up for and considered my PA duties to be over.

My tweens know he most likely won’t turn up and while it bothers them a little, they know it’s him and not them that’s the problem.

If we are really talking about what is best for the DC, then the absolute best thing is 2 parents who actively parent which includes paying attention to upcoming events and doing their best to attend. That doesn't mean having to be reminded. It means showing your DC that you care by doing it yourself. And that's what your ex should be doing. The sooner he learns to DIY the better a father he will be and the better his relationship with the DC will be. And if you have daughters then they will have a good role model for future relationships.

It sounds like you have sent him the information. He should be able to act on it.

The ideal thing for your child is that you and your ex have a solid co parenting relationship. In that endeavour you need to be a team, which is not the same as a couple. That means different things to different people and can be difficult because of emotional baggage from the breakdown of the relationship.

But there is a fine line between a reminder and perceived interference. Some people see a reminder as something helpful. Some people get defensive and aggressive if you prompt or remind them of their obligations. But are that way when you don’t remind them too. Some people will take advantage of this and always expect you to organise them and avoid organising their own lives.

A way forward could be to have a conversation with him. Don’t be judgemental and stick to I statements. Then propose a digital solution. With each of you taking responsibility for managing your side of it and keeping each other up to date.

The alternative here is that you both slip into parallel parenting or counter parenting. Which isn’t good for your child. Pretty sad that so many advocate it as a first solution when it is worth trying to do something better for your children.

I’ve been separated for nearly 2 years and have an okay relationship with my ex (the kids think we’re still friends… I wouldn’t go that far!) We both have iPhones and have a shared digital calendar and I have my own stuff in there too that he can’t see. I know if it’s a blue line next to the entry it’s in the shared calendar and a green line means it’s in mine, but only one calendar to look at. One of the kids is an older teen so is also on it - it means she can see whose house she is staying at when if she’s organising stuff with mates. With their dad, I put school stuff in there so he’s got the same info, altho will sometimes see if he’s going to school concerts etc. Altho I wouldn’t say he always prioritises the kids he does come to stuff if he can. The shared calendar works great for us. I understand not being the admin person but I was when we were together and that hasn’t really changed. I’m learning through therapy that part of that is me feeling things are in control rather than messy but that’s a whole other story!

I agree with this.

Absolutely!

Are the DC mainly with you during the week and so you are the one dealing with school activities, so this will be much more on your radar than his?

You asked.

But you've done more than your bit. Leave it to him. It's his responsibility to keep up to date with anything to do with his children.

The same applies if you lived together as a family. You shouldn't have to keep reminding the other parent of important dates after you've told them once already.

Unfortunately I was the breadwinner and my exDH the SAHP and I still had to run the calendar and remind him. We actually had an automatic feed into our shared online calendar from the school one (that I set up) but still that didn’t work.
Now I need to support the kids through their dad missing everything and even if he knows, he still doesn’t bother.

I could have written this myself and honestly I have been going back and forth on it with my ex. I think if you’ve told him & he’s said he’ll “probably be there” then he knows about it and not sure why so many posters are saying you should remind him or set up a digital calendar etc. He knows & has failed to commit to coming. Thats on him. I’d say to your daughter (if she asks) “I’ve sent Dad all the details and hopefully he will come.” Because that’s the truth. If he comes, great. If he doesn’t & your daughter is upset then it’s on him not on you. And if she wants to talk to you about being upset you can say “it’s a real shame Dad didn't come. I did send him all the details.” If you want to be extra nice (to him I mean) then you could add “Maybe he had work he had to do” or something like that.
I think if you didn’t tell him about it, that would be bad.
But if he knows and hasn’t committed to coming, don’t take the responsibility on yourself. I don’t know if this is true for you but for me, I spent my marriage covering up for my ex’s failings as a parent, making him come to things or lying about his “important work” when he couldn’t be bothered. I don’t think it’s helpful to my child to keep doing this now so I give the information clearly & then leave it to him.
The only times I don’t is where I feel it would impact my child. So I still do things like world book day costumes because my ex would never bother. I then message him saying “we’ve made the world book day costume / science project / whatever & it’s in the school bag ready for Wednesday”. It has never yet turned out that he has also made the costume. And I would not have liked there to be no costume & don’t feel it would be fair on our child.
But in this kind of situation where your ex clearly knows then I honestly think you’ve done enough.

He knows a bout it. He's a grown adult. Like you did, you aren't his PA. I would add, don't cover for him if he doesn't go. Why should he deserves that?