Should I do more to get ex to DD's performance?

[Sprogonthetyne]

DD(6) is learning an instrument and has her first end of term proformance next week. When we've talked about it I've said I can wait to see her band and when she's asked if dad's going, I've just said "I don't know, you'll have to ask him".

I've reminded DD to ask/invited her dad before phone calls or visits and she said she did last contact. Apparently dad said he'd "probably be there", but didn't contact me to ask date/time or anything else. As this is the earliest event, I thought maybe he didn't realise it was so soon so I've sent over a copy of the kids calendar for December, showing the dates of all the Christmas/end of term events (5 between 2 kids), but still nothing to say if he's going to any of them.

Should I push it further or leave the ball in his court?

Leave it with him. You can't be his PA.

That was kind of my feelings. If I contact him and explicitly say "this even is next Thursday, at this time/place, please go", then he probably would, but I don't feel I should have to. I've already provided all the information he needs to work it out himself (which he could also have got from the school if he wanted to).

What is better for your child? You don’t have to say please go, but you can say x is doing a performance at school at 2pm on Wednesday. Then it’s up to him. Don’t out a 6 year old in charge of telling their dad the exact details - that’s really unfair.

I’d send a reminder the day before obviously as it seems like your child wants him there, if he doesn’t turn up then that’s on him but atleast you did your part in sending the details and reminding him! I wouldn’t rely on my 6 year old to communicate anything like that ever because it just wouldn’t happen 😂

I wouldn't expect DD to tell himthe details, just that she wanted him there, so he could then ask for the details if he wants (either from me or the school).

I've also sent him a picture of the calendar which has the dates for this and all the other events. So he can just look through and decide which (if any) he wants to go to

Are reminders really in my remit? No one reminds me of this stuff, it's just part of parenting

Don’t then haha.. you answered your question yourself

Me personally I would just send the reminder there’s no point sitting there saying “well no one reminds me off stuff” takes 2 mins to send a message. If my child wanted her dad to be there then I’d definitely be reminding him incase he forgets

That's why I'm asking, to get an idea of what is considered 'normal'. If all farthers are assumed to be incapable of remembering their kids events, maybe I should cut him more slack?

Out of intrest, where do you draw the line with reminders etc, because I feel like I'm on a tightrope between 'withholding unfomation/allowing him to fail' and 'badgering him about every little thing'

I would do what's best for the child.
I used to tell late dh when things were, but he did his fair share of other stuff. Yours might not but not the child's fault I guess

I would say it’s normal to have to remind them! My dad never made things like this due to work and my DH now honestly would never remember, he is the breadwinner and works all the time and obviously I sort out the kids so naturally I have to remind him. If we weren’t together I 100% would have to do the same reminders etc for sure 😂 I’d just send anything like that, if he sees it as badgering whatever atleast you’ve clearly communicated what’s going on on what days etc, it’s up to him to turn up. I think I’d just be happy to do my part so no one can turn around and say well you didn’t tell me sort of thing! Then you can say erm no I’ve told you and also sent a reminder lol. He can’t see it as badgering when it’s the kids events that they want him to attend

It seems like you co parent well from what you’ve said? Maybe having a joint calendar on your phone for the kids? Might be easier than referring to a pic

I think you have to rethink things.
The important considerations are:
what does your child want?
and how much effort is it?

Telling him once when and where it is is minimal effort (less than posting about it here), and she wants him there.

But a series of reminders etc would be too much (unless it was really important - like her playing Carnegie Hall).

Could maybe try digital calender, the paper one is more for me (kids in different schools with one on a flexi timetable, so there's a lot of pick up times, own cloths days, trips, Xmas jumper etc coming up, and I'm more likely to get everyone to the right place with the right stuff if I've got it physically written down.

Once I've got it sorted for me, taking a picture is the easiest next step instead of also having to digitise it, but I take on board not everyone is a visual thinker like I am.

We also only separated within the last year, so I'm mindful of not taking on any extra jobs I don't want to keep doing for the next decade.

Absolutely don't remind him. He is a grown adult and if he doesn't realise what's important for his young kids, that's on him. If you do it now, you will be duty bound to remind him for next X years, and inevitably when you forget, the blame will be pushed on to you rather than his incompetence as a parent.

All of this.

Well you could suggest dd draws a special invite to daddy with the date and time.
Then ball is in his court.
If he decides not to turn up will be on him .

And you will acknowledge she is sad he could not come and move on to something nice.

You cannot speak for him or control his actions.

We have a shared calendar where everything for the kids goes and then it's up to him if he wants to attend. If its something the DC really want him at I'll normally remind him.

It’s ridiculous that you have to remind him and he should be able to remember this for himself, but it sounds as though it’s important for your DD so I would remind him the day before.

100% this - he is your EX - it’s not your job to remind him to be a parent - you don’t owe him your emotional labour . No one reminds you to turn up to your child’s events - don’t set that expectation. I’m a few years down the road with a 10 year old - if you give an inch they’ll take a mile. You send the information, then it’s up to him - does he need to be reminded to go to work every day? No - he can organise his own calendar.
Otherwise it’s all going to be your fault you failed to remind him..

I would send a message in your parenting app along the lines of “as you know from the school’s emails there’s a range of activities coming up that DD will be involved in and she’s looking forward to you attending, so please let her know if you can’t so I can manage her emotions around that.”

This puts the onus back on him to read the school correspondence and manage his diary accordingly if he wishes to be there.

You are no longer his wife, and have never been his secretary. If he wants to do something that will make his DC happy he will. Between now and Xmas there will be school fetes and nativity plays and all sorts, and if you take on the role of diary manager, you’ll be blamed if he forgets about one of them and doesn’t show up.

He’s a grown man, and a parent, if it’s important to him he’ll make it happen.

Defo try a shared digital calendar will make it a lot easier for both of you! Me and my friend group have shared calendar on iPhone makes meet ups so much easier 😂

I would do one reminder with the necessary info and leave it at that, but I find that most men simply just don't care about stuff like that. Even when we were together my Ex wasnt fussed about stuff like that so I'm guessing he wont now that we are seperating

Has your 6 year old told him the details ? Does she know the details I would maybe say Dds "thing" is next Thursday and leave it with him, you bothb need to set up a calander or maybe send a note or something it isn't fair on the children especially so young to be responsible fot messages.

Sorry I didn't read you sent him the calander, it's up.to him really isn't it.

Does he get all the same reminders from the school that you do? If so I wouldn't bother doing anything

If I did this, would I need to have two calendars on the go, one with the stuff he needs to be involved with and another for just me, or just keep everything I one place?

He doesn't need to know if they'll be wearing odd socks, bringing in £1, pack lunch for a trip, or which days DS comes home at lunch time etc. Would I just put it all on for me and he can shift through for what is relevant to him, or do I need to do the filtering for him?