Ex and solicitors letter

[pettyex]

Apologies for the long read !

Backround -

Ex and I have been separated since dc (6) was a baby. He usually has dc friday to sunday. When ex wants to go out/holiday I have always been accommodating (apart from one time i will explain further on) and vice versa if i ask for dc for weekends, trips away .
This has been the arrangement since dc was a baby due to him working away from home Mon-Fri.
He doesn’t have contact with dc during the week. His choice.

Currently my parents provide childcare. Bridging the gap between dc finishing school and my getting home from work. This works out my parents have my dc approx 6 hours a week.

We recently had a disagreement as he wanted me to have dc on a specific saturday with little notice that coincided with a family members milestone birthday. I refused. He got irritated. I ignored.

A few weeks ago he asked for dc xmas eve and xmas day this year, i refused.
He’s never been interested in taking dc before and dc would absolutely not want to be away from our family xmas eve/day.

Ex now works local and is a successful tradesman. He is well off. Two expensive cars, four bedroom house, hes single multiple abroad holidays a year, had cosmetic surgery a few weeks ago. All while claiming he earns 12 grand a year! CMS have been rubbish so iv just accepted the £21 maintenance per week.

In the solicitors letter he has said he now wants dc one less overnight at the weekends but two overnights during the week.
Taking him from two overnights to three per week.
He has said the reason being he feels i need to spend more time with dc at weekends and as dc is with my parents during the week and spends so much time from home (🤷‍♀️) he will now pick dc up from school and drop to school two days per week!!
He has said he wants dc xmas eve and xmas day and also referenced the ‘extensive holidays he has brought dc on throughout the years’

I am happy with one less overnight at the weekends but we have activities and a settled school routine during the week.

I cant afford to go back and forth with solicitors so I am planning on drafting up a letter with help from a family friend who studied law. Can i write in my response how has it came to be ex can afford extensive holidays and solicitor fees while earning a pittance Any tips or advice?

Well in reality he’s not asking for much and it doesnt appear unreasonable

it usual to have alternate Christmas so if not this one then he should get next year

and its not unusual to have one or two overnights midweek.

so aside from the tone of the letter, what’s actually wrong with his request /proposal ? Routines can and do change as children age

Sounds pretty reasonable of him.

@millymollymoomooim not opposed to him seeing dc during the week however we have certain activities so it would need to suit us. He has asked for two specific nights that would interfere with our routine and which is aware of. I am open to him collecting dc on one or two days from school giving tea etc then returning home that evening.

Are the activities you mention things that you and your DC do together?

You can phrase it something like-

'Billy has gymnastics on Wednesdays so if you are having him that night you'd need to deliver him to gymnastics and back at x times. He also has horse riding on Thursdays so again if you have him then he'd need taking to and picking up from that by you also.

Assuming you agree to this I'm more than happy for you to have Billy on Weds and Thurs nights. I just don't want him to lose out on his much loved activities.'

As for Xmas, if he's never had the kid for Xmas before it seems only fair he wants them sometimes. Most families would do 50/50 Xmas and birthdays.

I am not surprised he was miffed about a Saturday - a family member birthday why couldn’t your son go

I Agree with him every other weekend plus 2 nights in the week sounds a very good split and it is what I would offer

@Tiswait was at a licensed premises where children are not allowed.

Ok so far the majority is saying he is being reasonable to now want to change the routine . I will take this on board.
Notice not one person has commented about the fact he hides his income and pays the bare minimum for dc while living a lavish lifestyle !

@TiswaDo you also agree with the child maintenance he is paying? Or should say isnt

Don’t know why all the apologists are out in force. No way would allow him to have DC for Christmas when he doesn’t do any of the hard yards or pay what’s fair. He can earn his place in DCs life, and step up first - then he can start asking for changes.

The money is one aspect that is different from the child arrangements and as such should be dealt with separately.
Personally I find it odd that you don’t want to have your dc at least every other weekend. So his wish to have him an extra night during the week and you have him some time at weekend is very reasonable. The fact that he has activities during the week is a bit of a red herring. Maybe your ex wants to do a specific activity with his DC during the week?
In addition, not letting him have his child over Christmas every other year is just plain wrong.

This is not how shared parenting works - children are not bargaining tools.

I would absolutely mention it! The problem with the CMS is they are useless with self employed. Keep a claim open and keep evidence and send it to them. Request a mandatory reconsideration and ask for an investigation. In the meantime, “I propose your client commences maintenance payments of X per month as he is currently only offering £21 per week”.

Because that is a separate subject

Surely you aren’t happy with sacrificing every weekend?

IMO every other weekend plus 2 nights in the week is 12/18 split and is a good one for the child gets a mix of parents are the weekend and during the week

same for Christmas spending one day at one and one day at the other is good for your DC if it can be areanged

If he goes to mediation or court they won’t deny him a change of contact pattern because you think he’s lying about his income. It’s good for children to have weekends both parents, don’t you want down time with them? His proposal is very reasonable. As is alternating events like Christmas.

My point is that as children age and grow routines change. That’s normal. Dad can take to activities as well as mum and he shouldnt need to return child after tea- child should be able to stay at dads. Obviously I’m working on that basis that dad will 1) take to any activities 2) can get them to school. As children age ages and gets more friends /sports etc and again Into secondary school routine will likely need to change again. Thats To be expected and is not a bad thing. And I don’t think it fair that op gets to dictate. If op genuinely thinks its not in the child’s best interest she needs to state why - nothing so far indicates that

having alternate Christmas is fair.

i don’t see any real reason here to prevent this.

snd yes he should pay cms but that is separate to this

Just to confirm I work alternative saturdays and have dc all school holidays which i keep my annual leave for. The arrangements were weekends on his request but we were both flexible on this eg If ex had a weekend away planned and wanted a night out or if i had plans with dc for weekends. Sunday is my one guaranteed day off in the week and my dc is home every sunday from 12pm.

Surely you want to spend some more weekends with your DC. He currently has every weekend and you get all the crap time during the week.

Him paying minimal amounts is awful, but it doesn't change the reasonableness of his request.

@LadyDanburysHatHe has a full saturday with dc and i have a full sunday. I also have dc i would day at least once a month on saturdays sometimes more when ex wants to go out/head away for the weekend or when i make plans with dc if we have a party etc to attend. This has been like this for years .

The thing is he isnt less of a parent than you. Its reasonable to want half the week and alternate Christmases.

Why cant he have 2 over nights the nights there arent activities? Or why cant he take DS to the activity?

I agree with you about the money, but also he could easily claim he wasnt the one paying.. could you do the thing where you let CMS take money directly from him?

I don't think it's unreasonable but I wouldn't alternate Christmas. I have mine 11 nights every 14 - no way are they spending every other Christmas elsewhere.

Contact arrangements and the lack of CMS payments are two completely different issues. Your child is not a bargaining tool to be used against the other parent. I don't think the request from your ex is unreasonable at all, and if it went to Court, then the proposed arrangements would be granted. It's usual for children who's parents have divorced/separated to spend alternate Christmases with each parent. Again, if this went to Court, the request would be granted and likely a stipulation of every other year, going forward. You have to appreciate that as your son becomes older, contact arrangements will need to change, especially once he reaches secondary school age. The matter regarding CMS, or the lack of it - of course your ex shouldn't be a cagey arse and should be paying you a decent amount of money per month. You could bring up the lack of child support in your response to your ex BUT you can't use that as a bargaining tool with regards to contact.

Surely he won't want to upset her routine. He can just take over your role?

.

alternating full weekends would make more sense for most families.

Him wanting to parent during the week is a good thing as long as he actually parents. That means doing the school runs, covering days off, and paying for things that arise on those days.

The cms is a separate issue and a systemic problem. he is going to need to start buying school uniform and paying for lunches. Since he pays a pittance, from a financial perspective this helps you.