Ex and solicitors letter

[pettyex]

Apologies for the long read !

Backround -

Ex and I have been separated since dc (6) was a baby. He usually has dc friday to sunday. When ex wants to go out/holiday I have always been accommodating (apart from one time i will explain further on) and vice versa if i ask for dc for weekends, trips away .
This has been the arrangement since dc was a baby due to him working away from home Mon-Fri.
He doesn’t have contact with dc during the week. His choice.

Currently my parents provide childcare. Bridging the gap between dc finishing school and my getting home from work. This works out my parents have my dc approx 6 hours a week.

We recently had a disagreement as he wanted me to have dc on a specific saturday with little notice that coincided with a family members milestone birthday. I refused. He got irritated. I ignored.

A few weeks ago he asked for dc xmas eve and xmas day this year, i refused.
He’s never been interested in taking dc before and dc would absolutely not want to be away from our family xmas eve/day.

Ex now works local and is a successful tradesman. He is well off. Two expensive cars, four bedroom house, hes single multiple abroad holidays a year, had cosmetic surgery a few weeks ago. All while claiming he earns 12 grand a year! CMS have been rubbish so iv just accepted the £21 maintenance per week.

In the solicitors letter he has said he now wants dc one less overnight at the weekends but two overnights during the week.
Taking him from two overnights to three per week.
He has said the reason being he feels i need to spend more time with dc at weekends and as dc is with my parents during the week and spends so much time from home (🤷‍♀️) he will now pick dc up from school and drop to school two days per week!!
He has said he wants dc xmas eve and xmas day and also referenced the ‘extensive holidays he has brought dc on throughout the years’

I am happy with one less overnight at the weekends but we have activities and a settled school routine during the week.

I cant afford to go back and forth with solicitors so I am planning on drafting up a letter with help from a family friend who studied law. Can i write in my response how has it came to be ex can afford extensive holidays and solicitor fees while earning a pittance Any tips or advice?

@AnneLovesGilbertHe works later than me . I work 4 days a week and on my days off my parents dont collect dc. Im not opposed to him spending time with dc during the week I just dont see the point of changing the routine especially if its not going to be him picking dc up. His family have only ever picked dc up when there was an emergency with my youngest child.

@velocity123Not normal for us as hes never been interested before, only now hes single . He wont get christmas this year. We have plans. Next year yes I suppose he should.

I'm sorry but child is not just your child unfortunately and why cant she have christmas with her dad one year. I get it, its hard I go through it myself but you cant be selfish.

@SuzjspikI said no as he only wants dc this year now he is single . Plus our plans are made already. He wasnt interested in having dc at xmas ever as he spent it with his ex, her children and wider family. Im not going to be happy about it next year , nor will dc but I get it and it will probably have to happen.

As shitty as he may have been in the past and while I don’t agree with it, if he wants an Xmas with his kids now then he should be allowed. You probably won’t like it but you’ll get used to it, if you are awkward he can just take you to court and he’ll get what he wants. My husband had been through all this with his ex, he went to court and they absolutely handed her arse to her. It’s all about the child’s best interests and the family courts see it as quality time spent with both parents, regardless of cm.

@velocity123where i am theres no way it will get before family court in time for christmas . I am not going to budge this xmas but i will reply he can have next year and im open to him having dc extra during the week but it needs to suit both parties not just him. Can i ask why your husbands ex got her arse handed to her ? Was she stopping him seeing the dc ?

Would i be reasonable to propose a thursday after school as this wont interfere with our routine and means dc wont have to go back and forth midweek it will transition better for dc as ex has dc friday anyway

What two days is he proposing? I think Weds/Thurs/Fri or Sun/Mon/Tues nights are both valid and sensible option. Having his days together will be least disruptive as Tues/Weds/Fri means DC is back at you for one night which would be really disjointed.

You’re right to keep Christmas this year as he’s raised it too late, but alternating after that seems fair.

Other than that I can’t see any reason for you to object to his proposal.

The money is irrelevant (but report him to HMRC and let them investigate that).

Yeah it wouldn’t happen for this year but I’m just telling you so you know what to expect if he does decide to go to court.
And lots of things really, she stopped him seeing his dc because he met me ! This was 13 years ago now, but she was very controlling and still to this day is.
The judge didn’t like the starting and stopping contact, she would refuse to meet halfway on the journeys to drop and collect DSC, she got rid of her car and claimed she couldn’t drive anymore due to anxiety, the judge ordered her to get the train, so then she started driving again and wanted to drop off, she would refuse to send DSC with spare clothes, called them her clothes in court which the judge didn’t like one bit, honestly lots of things and I’m sure you’re not as bad as this woman but a fair warning that the family courts always put the best interests of the child first and they don’t listen about money/he said she said

It can’t be quality time after school if grandparents are picking him up? Running back and forth to clubs / putting him to bed / doing the dinner? I’d be jumping at the chance to swap doing that to having the weekend with my son. You’re doing all the boring stuff while your ex is getting all the fun, quality time!

@velocity123Wow! Sounds like it was a bit of a nightmare. I am trying to put needs of dc first and foremost . We have a shared hobby on a certain day that ex knows about and now he has asked for this day. I know this will really upset dc and i know they wont want to spend christmas with him but i will try and encourage this next year however much it will make us both unhappy. I was rattled when i first received the letter as most of what ex has proposed in the letter is not in the best interests of dc, its to get at me . Something hes been trying to do since i got into a relationship 3 years ago even though he moved on way before that. I have had countless threats, abusive txt msgs which i have always ignored and not responded to but i have had to report to police in the past as it was getting so out of hand. When hes in a relationship he seems to leave me alone but now hes single again i cant help but think this is all down the fact im happy and settled, hes not, so he wants to make me unhappy. I work alternative saturdays ,ex knows this and has proposed dc come home at 11am saturdays. Great the saturday I have off but ex knows I will have to arrange my parents or partner to look after dc the second saturday. Hes off on saturdays so i just think this is all down to suit him and get at me and quite frankly nothing to do with dc. I will say he is a good dad when hes with dc. He will be nice and cordial for a few months then this sort of thing happens.

I think you are saying that he is punishing you for not allowing two recent requests and you are probably right. Is there a new woman on the scene do you think? Normally a sudden interest in being seen as a doting father comes along with a new girlfriend.

Just seen the cross post.

The problem you have is if he takes it to court to have something set out legally he will get 50/50 and you’ll lose half the kids time always plus the pittance he currently gives you.

If you think he is jealous you are happy then I’d have to pretend giving you more time to spend with your partner is a great idea. Thinking that you two might be writhing around in bed whilst he’s got the kids might be enough to make him back pedal.

it would help if you’d put all this in your op

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast Hes single at the minute, it seems when he has a girlfriend he is content. I dont mind giving him more time with dc If we can come to an agreement on different days during the week . Will i have any say on this ? I have genuine reasons, im not sure he does.

ultimately if the things he requests are not in itself unreasonable- eg every other Christmas or eow

can you do mediation ?

what schedule works for your child ?

If it goes to court I’m sure you would have a say on it but of course if the court thinks you are being unreasonable they may choose to ignore your requests.

The OP is already sounding defensive and obstructive by using perceived ulterior motives to block reason access. Going down further ones isn’t going to make her sound any better.

If the father puts forward a reasonable case that shows he will support the child’s hobby and be reasonably present then why wouldn’t a judge agree the CAO.

@LemonTTim defensive as he had no interest before now when it suits him he can make demands and seemingly get what he wants ?

Be honest and communicative.

Explain the logic of him having DC on Thursdays.
He might be happy for just that one day as an increase to see how he copes. The changes need to be sustainable.

Be more transparent on the costs of raising a child. Share information and ask ex to help out more, if he can.

Could you invite ex to join in some hours of your Christmas this year? It's fair that he gets some Christmas time next year.

Spending equal time with his father is a positive change.

@LemonTTTo suit himself knowing it will interfere with our activities and my working schedule. When we separated I had nothing . He got to go and build his business while i struggled with a baby and sorted all the childcare myself when i returned to work . He didnt whatsoever. He wanted weekends. He got weekends. Now hes doing the same thing

Well that’s very much dependant on the father isn’t it? Not all fathers are created equal.

OP you can see how large the hole is to fall into when it comes to inferences of parental alienation. That’s what the fathers have up their sleeve with the court system now. A woman can rarely claim it and it be accepted but men can claim it and the woman lose access to her kids. Just tread carefully.

He see’s dc every christmas morning for an hour or 2. Again his choice. What has suited him. Now he wants dc from xmas eve and all xmas day

What he pays has nothing to do with what arrangements should be in place.

there are things you can do to sort out maintenance. Assuming he's a director of his own company the CMS doesn't take account of dividend income unless you ask them to. You can apply for a variation to take this in to account. they should have all the information at their fingertips so it shouldn't take long.

@pettyexNow you’ve given a bit more context he sounds like a dickhead. Funnily enough though dh ex used to leave us alone when she was happy in a relationship too, you certainly knew when they had split up!