Ex and solicitors letter

[pettyex]

Apologies for the long read !

Backround -

Ex and I have been separated since dc (6) was a baby. He usually has dc friday to sunday. When ex wants to go out/holiday I have always been accommodating (apart from one time i will explain further on) and vice versa if i ask for dc for weekends, trips away .
This has been the arrangement since dc was a baby due to him working away from home Mon-Fri.
He doesn’t have contact with dc during the week. His choice.

Currently my parents provide childcare. Bridging the gap between dc finishing school and my getting home from work. This works out my parents have my dc approx 6 hours a week.

We recently had a disagreement as he wanted me to have dc on a specific saturday with little notice that coincided with a family members milestone birthday. I refused. He got irritated. I ignored.

A few weeks ago he asked for dc xmas eve and xmas day this year, i refused.
He’s never been interested in taking dc before and dc would absolutely not want to be away from our family xmas eve/day.

Ex now works local and is a successful tradesman. He is well off. Two expensive cars, four bedroom house, hes single multiple abroad holidays a year, had cosmetic surgery a few weeks ago. All while claiming he earns 12 grand a year! CMS have been rubbish so iv just accepted the £21 maintenance per week.

In the solicitors letter he has said he now wants dc one less overnight at the weekends but two overnights during the week.
Taking him from two overnights to three per week.
He has said the reason being he feels i need to spend more time with dc at weekends and as dc is with my parents during the week and spends so much time from home (🤷‍♀️) he will now pick dc up from school and drop to school two days per week!!
He has said he wants dc xmas eve and xmas day and also referenced the ‘extensive holidays he has brought dc on throughout the years’

I am happy with one less overnight at the weekends but we have activities and a settled school routine during the week.

I cant afford to go back and forth with solicitors so I am planning on drafting up a letter with help from a family friend who studied law. Can i write in my response how has it came to be ex can afford extensive holidays and solicitor fees while earning a pittance Any tips or advice?

Btw op, court won’t want dc stopping their hobby so don’t worry about that, they will either say ex can’t have them that day and pick an alternative or order him to take over hobby on that day.

That’s not experience I’ve seen @velocity123 but they should place importance on hobbies more than they do

You do know it’s a negotiation, right?
just because he wants something, doesn’t mean he will get it.
I would refuse to give up the shared hobby, but Xmas every alternate is fair enough.

Ahh, shit to hear. Court were very very child based when dh went through it all, sad to hear that’s not always the case

The advice I am trying to give is intended to help you respond to his request to change the arrangements. You were asking people what you should put in the response. That is quite different from asking us what we think of him.

At the moment you seem to want to use the letter to express what you think of him and to influence others into thinking the same. Basically you want to point score and shame. Which could easily backfire on you in a process that expects you to be cooperative.

It is advisable to not provide the other side with insights into the arguments you might use in the future. It means they can prepare defences or turn it back on you. It is far better to draw his motives during mediation and to get it in writing.

My advice would be to respond constructively by agreeing to consider changes that are in you child’s interests and offer mediation. That’s where you can start to introduce and agree the principles that you will both adhere to. Which can include facilitation of your respective work patterns.

@LemonTTI was rattled when i first wrote the post as i had just received the letter I knew i probably wouldn’t be able to put it in the letter however much I wanted. Now iv calmed I realise i was being the petty one and that was probably the reaction he wanted .
Ok so I was planning on suggesting a thursday after school until saturday morning, remaining flexible when he wishes to travel etc and open to mediation. Should I include I include anything else ?

I don’t know what he will say to that because I don’t know the basis of his issues with the current arrangement and nor do you. You are guessing and people on here are guessing. Everyone might be right but you could be calling it wrong. Tell him you are open to change and want to do mediation to come to agreement on what would be best and what you both want to prioritise as co parents.

The reason why EOW is quite popular is because you get quality weekend time and flexibility to have a social life. It seems an ideal solution for you both.

The reason why mid weeks are popular is because it allows the other parent to involved in other aspects of children’s lives, like homework and school. Which is an important part of being a parent. It also breaks up the time spent apart.

I would suggest you also think about your red lines before you approach mediation.

@LemonTTsorry what are red lines

A red line in a negotiation, or life, is a boundary or barrier you can’t or won’t step over. For example when buying a property people often have a ceiling budget they can’t go over and if the seller won’t come down they have to walk away. It is a matter of judgement and circumstances as to whether you tell the seller what you can go to. Or what you prefer to go to.

In agreeing co parenting arrangements you will have these as well. It is also a matter of judgement as whether you are up front about them. This is when you need to know the difference between can’t, won’t or prefer not to.

The thing to remember is that maintaining the Red line or boundary might not just be about resolve. It could be beyond your control to block all and every request. Instead see it an opportunity to get something in return.

Prioritise what is important and be willing to drop things if it gets you that. Which will mean thinking about what you can say yes to.