Ex and solicitors letter

[pettyex]

Apologies for the long read !

Backround -

Ex and I have been separated since dc (6) was a baby. He usually has dc friday to sunday. When ex wants to go out/holiday I have always been accommodating (apart from one time i will explain further on) and vice versa if i ask for dc for weekends, trips away .
This has been the arrangement since dc was a baby due to him working away from home Mon-Fri.
He doesn’t have contact with dc during the week. His choice.

Currently my parents provide childcare. Bridging the gap between dc finishing school and my getting home from work. This works out my parents have my dc approx 6 hours a week.

We recently had a disagreement as he wanted me to have dc on a specific saturday with little notice that coincided with a family members milestone birthday. I refused. He got irritated. I ignored.

A few weeks ago he asked for dc xmas eve and xmas day this year, i refused.
He’s never been interested in taking dc before and dc would absolutely not want to be away from our family xmas eve/day.

Ex now works local and is a successful tradesman. He is well off. Two expensive cars, four bedroom house, hes single multiple abroad holidays a year, had cosmetic surgery a few weeks ago. All while claiming he earns 12 grand a year! CMS have been rubbish so iv just accepted the £21 maintenance per week.

In the solicitors letter he has said he now wants dc one less overnight at the weekends but two overnights during the week.
Taking him from two overnights to three per week.
He has said the reason being he feels i need to spend more time with dc at weekends and as dc is with my parents during the week and spends so much time from home (🤷‍♀️) he will now pick dc up from school and drop to school two days per week!!
He has said he wants dc xmas eve and xmas day and also referenced the ‘extensive holidays he has brought dc on throughout the years’

I am happy with one less overnight at the weekends but we have activities and a settled school routine during the week.

I cant afford to go back and forth with solicitors so I am planning on drafting up a letter with help from a family friend who studied law. Can i write in my response how has it came to be ex can afford extensive holidays and solicitor fees while earning a pittance Any tips or advice?

He would be liable for all costs on those nights during week. Which means paying for the activities, he may change his mind!

I would be ‘counter proposing’ alternate weekends and 2 days in the week.
that way there is routine and weekends are easier to manage as it’s or nothing. Not splitting the days.

but I’d also be making it clear that those two days also need to be covered by him
in half term holidays or he arranges childcare on his days.
and the long summer holidays are split so you both get 2 weeks to cover each plus your regular days.

no more you covering them all and paying for childcare. He wants to be fully involved so that means taking time off in school holidays.

I'm with you, if the child wants to be with you on xmas then he should get to be. Why is it always about what the underwhelming father wants over the actual child.

This is what I thought.

He doesn't get to have you organise and pay for activities on overnights.

He wants those days he takes over completely.

Work out what you would be happy with and propose that instead.

Report him to HMRC for not declaring his full income.

He isn't asking for much, seems fair.

I agree with your ex. You hardly spend any time with your son. Surely you want more quality time with him? I can’t imagine spending so little time with my son at such a young age. I’d be very worried about my relationship with him.

I don't blame you for being angry about this. If it were me, I would be looking for ways to flag up that there's something not right with his finances.
Have you ever thought of making an anonymous tip-off to HMRC for tax evasion and VAT fraud? It's almost certain that he's doing both.

What cosmetic surgery did he get?

OP I think it’s unreasonable that he has loads of money and isn’t paying his way.
I would however hate not seeing my DC all weekend as that’s when we do our fun things, so if I had to choose I’d rather split the weekend and lose a weekday or two, as long as he was prepared to take him to his hobbies so he doesn’t miss out.
When my step kids were little, we used to split Christmas where one parent would get Christmas Eve / Christmas morning and the other would get Christmas Day (from midday) and Boxing Day. So one would get the morning and the other would get the dinner….. worked pretty well, but I know DH would have been gutted if he’d never got Christmas morning. He did however pay what he was meant to pay…..

Yes he should be reported regularly to HMRC. They do investigate.

I’d respond with something like:
I am happy to discuss a change of arrangements . Obviously you want to keep DC current activities on weeknights.

As mentioned by EX, considering he has been able to have “extensive holidays” you’d like to reassess the current maintenance arrangements at the same time as his income has obviously increased from £12k.

i bet he’ll back off when he realises he’s messed up admitting in writing how much he’s gone away.

I would suggest moving to every other weekend, but dad takes child for all three nights on ‘his’ weekend, and also every Monday or every Thursday night. So there is less transitions back and forth for your child, and sometimes he gets a block of 4 nights with dad then the next week it’s one night. Your week routine is almost in tact, you get quality weekend time with your child too. Then dad has 5/14 nights - ask him to trial this and then see how things go.
tell him you have plans for Xmas this year and it’s short notice for him to ask to change the existing status quo at this stage, but you’re happy to make a plan for sorting out Xmas time with both parents from next year onwards.

Also you need to keep chat of finances separate from the child arrangements plan

Most of his suggestions are reasonable but Christmas split is usually one has Xmas eve and part Christmas day and other part Christmas day and boxing day. That way you're splitting equally the 3 key dates.
This is the usual outcome in court when parents can't agree on Christmas I hasten to add and live close enough that this would work.

Shared parenting works when both are on the same page. Not when one is hiding their income and suddenly demanding the child
for Christmas when they have never had before:
I can’t tell you how happy I am that my ex and fathers children fucked off to France and left us to it, I could not and would not be dealing with a man making demands because his ego is sore his ex said no to a certain weekend,

I do not understand how he can hide his income . CMS can investigate if you contact them. He is leading a very good life in £12,000 a year. They take this seriously, £21 a week is insulting to your dc. Just because you have accepted it, it does not mean it can never challenged....

@Willyoujust🙄 hardly see him? I see him every day bar a saturday! We have an excellent relationship thanks !

@hcee19I have brought it up with cms in the past. They bascially told me there was nothing i can do.

@bigyellowtractorface male breast reduction

For those saying he should have dc during the week. He works full time and im certain he wont be collecting dc from school it will be one of his family members. He also works later in the day than I do so dc will be cared for by someone else until he finishes. He collects dc on fridays as this is his only early finish.

Why’s it okay for your family to look after them after school but not his?

Your argument isn’t with people on here, it’s with him. You could lay out your concerns and thoughts to him and try and work together towards what’s best for your children. Or stamp your feet and object to everything he suggests. Up to you.

My friend had this with her ex too and as far as I remember, there was sod all she could do about it. As most of his work was likely cash in hand or some other underhand way there was nothing that could be proved.
Even the lady who called to explain seemed to really feel bad and said it was obvious he was on more - holidays / house / lifestyle - but as all paid for using cash or family accounts. So sorry - he's a wanker but at least he isn't your wanker anymore xxx

I’d say to him that you aren’t against him having DS more but that you’re worried that he won’t be able to afford to feed DS, look after him or have the hearing on. That you think he manages brilliantly on such a low wage but that ultimately it’s not fair for DS to be living in poverty just because they want time with each other.

Do it by text and hope that he texts back that he has plenty of money, and then show the text to cms……

You sound like you’re being purposely awkward. Sharing Xmas is normal. Court will grant this and the days he’s asking for.