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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

He offered to draw down his pension to buy me out

97 replies

Seriestwo · 27/10/2025 21:08

He is offering to draw down his pension to “give me enough so you can buy a house”.

He is offering this so he can reduce his worth, isn’t he?

Married 23 years, 2 adult kids, one at uni. I was at home with them for years, have no pension. There’s equity in the house which he wants to keep so is offering to buy me out via his pension pot.

i have no idea how much he has financially, he has kept me away from all knowledge of finances. I don’t even know where our utilities are. Basically, I am shafted and he can hide whatever money he likes .

Im right to be suspicious, right?

OP posts:
bigboykitty · 27/10/2025 21:10

Has he got a full pension valuation and do you know how much equity is in the house? Are there other assets? The starting point is a 50/50 split of assets. It sounds like he's trying to rip you off.

Cadenza12 · 27/10/2025 21:10

Presumably you have legal advice?

ACynicalDad · 27/10/2025 21:11

if you’re not sure get a solicitor to guide tot through. He’ll offer you less than you’re due, solicitor will cost but in this situation I’m sure they will get you more than they’d cost
in fees.

Soonenough · 27/10/2025 21:11

He actually can't hide money . Talk to your own solicitor which will provide you more information. It might actually suit you to take him up on it . Depends on how much pension he has which he will have to disclose. Do you have any knowledge or details of what funds he might have ?

Jellybunny56 · 27/10/2025 21:13

As others have said, seek legal advice, but it may end up being a good deal.

Everything is “in the pot” really, it’s just a case of dividing it fairly with 50/50 as starting point. So if there is say £50k equity in the house and he wants to keep that, if he can give you £50k from pension funds/savings/whatever then it’s not a bad move for either of you.

Nearly50omg · 27/10/2025 21:15

You will be entitled to his pension AND the equity in the house so don’t accept just one!!

Original poster
Seriestwo · 27/10/2025 21:15

Thanks all. I have not yet spoken to a solicitor, I thought he would agree to marriage counselling - this chat was only about an hour ago.

I think he expected me to be upset, but I am very calm. I’m surprised myself! It is just sad.

I have no idea about the finances. He earns well. I’ll be able to live mortgage free with 50/50 if I am smart.

Part of being smart is being skeptical!

OP posts:
SummerFeverVenice · 27/10/2025 21:16

He is offering this so he can reduce his worth, isn’t he?
No. The financial assets in a divorce are always the sum of both spouses so whether it goes from him to you or you to him, the worth remains the same. Your DC are adults so CMS isn’t an issue, and CMS doesn’t count pensions, only income.

On the surface, there is nothing wrong with using his share of his pension to buy you out of your share of the house. I would get legal advice as there will likely be tax consequences for both of you if he does this.

You should have the state pension at least- so long as you claimed child benefit. Even if he earned too much for the child benefit money, you will still have gotten the NICs towards the state pension. You also could have (and still can) make voluntary NICs.

Jellybunny56 · 27/10/2025 21:16

Nearly50omg · 27/10/2025 21:15

You will be entitled to his pension AND the equity in the house so don’t accept just one!!

This isn’t necessarily the best deal, it’s all one pot really, and so any division is “up for grabs”.

SummerFeverVenice · 27/10/2025 21:18

Nearly50omg · 27/10/2025 21:15

You will be entitled to his pension AND the equity in the house so don’t accept just one!!

Entitled to some of his pension and some of the equity in the house. Usually 50%.

Original poster
Seriestwo · 27/10/2025 21:19

Thanks all. I think I am going to be on a steep learning curve.

I married him in good faith. I meant my vows. And I have been very foolish indeed - I don’t even have a credit rating. I can get a better paying job, guess I’d better start looking.

OP posts:
titchy · 27/10/2025 21:23

Jellybunny56 · 27/10/2025 21:13

As others have said, seek legal advice, but it may end up being a good deal.

Everything is “in the pot” really, it’s just a case of dividing it fairly with 50/50 as starting point. So if there is say £50k equity in the house and he wants to keep that, if he can give you £50k from pension funds/savings/whatever then it’s not a bad move for either of you.

Not a bad move? It’s a shit move for Op. she has given up her earring power and pension in order to facilitate his career. She should be able to get a damn site more than 50% of the assets.

titchy · 27/10/2025 21:24

Earning power even. Maybe she has amazing earring power!

80smonster · 27/10/2025 21:25

Ask for a pension report and get the house valued. What he’s suggesting is generally how you buy one partner out of the marital home. Has he offered you 50% value of pension and 50% value of your home? That’s what you should be angling for.

SodaPopEarWorm · 27/10/2025 21:29

You need legal advice and he needs to reveal all assets including the value of his pension pot/pots.

50/50 is the starting point, not where you will end up given it was a long marriage and your earning potential was reduced due to caring for children.

Never believe he is doing you a kindness with his offer. Get the facts, gets legal advice and go from there.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 27/10/2025 21:33

So if the house is £1m...
Is he is saying "I'll draw down 500k of my pension then you have half?"

Because thats bullshit maths.

If you have a £1m house and he / you have a £1m pension.
You should be exiting the marriage with 500k cash to buy the house AND 500k in a pension.

You need to educate yourself - there is a wealth of information online - separately id be getting some actual legal advice.

Original poster
Seriestwo · 27/10/2025 21:34

No, his offer was to draw down his pension in order to “give me enough “ to buy somewhere else.

He was silent when I pointed out this isn’t a generous gift, it would be a standard financial settlement.

I think he thought I’d grab it and run before he can change his mind.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 27/10/2025 21:36

Get a solicitor. Tell him you’ll be guided by your solicitor. Accept nothing without financial advice.

Original poster
Seriestwo · 27/10/2025 21:38

I know nothing about divorce. Never thought I’d need one. Yet, here we are. It’s a boring and sad ordinary tale of two people who just didn’t manage to make it work.

I have done all the caring, one of the kids was very unwell for most of his childhood - I managed all of that alone. That is where the hit came to my career, and because of that he never had to even take a single day off. He has done really well, which is great, but he did not ever see that rested on me managing everything else.

Happily, the law does.

OP posts:
GaIadriel · 27/10/2025 21:40

titchy · 27/10/2025 21:23

Not a bad move? It’s a shit move for Op. she has given up her earring power and pension in order to facilitate his career. She should be able to get a damn site more than 50% of the assets.

Show quote history

Depends whether having her at home was instrumental to his success in a way that having a cleaner etc wouldn't have been, or whether she was partly pottering around enjoying her hobbies once the kids were at school as a not insignificant number of women seem to do.

I don't buy that every high earner wouldn't have got there without a wife at home.

LizzieSiddal · 27/10/2025 21:43

Seriestwo · 27/10/2025 21:34

No, his offer was to draw down his pension in order to “give me enough “ to buy somewhere else.

He was silent when I pointed out this isn’t a generous gift, it would be a standard financial settlement.

I think he thought I’d grab it and run before he can change his mind.

The “draw down my pension” doesn’t really make any sense. If he’s going to give you a lump sum he’d have to take the 25% tax free from his pension. So he thinks giving you 25% is fair and none of the house equity?? Does he think you’re stupid?

Please go and get a good solicitor tomorrow.

VerinMathwin · 27/10/2025 21:46

titchy · 27/10/2025 21:23

Not a bad move? It’s a shit move for Op. she has given up her earring power and pension in order to facilitate his career. She should be able to get a damn site more than 50% of the assets.

Show quote history

Bit of a logic fail here. If she hadn't given up her "earring" power and pension, then she'd have more. But he'd have less, otherwise she hasn't facilitated his career at all. You have no way of knowing if the extra that she has given up would offset the loss in his wealth, so why should she get "a damn site (sic) more than 50%"?

GaIadriel · 27/10/2025 21:47

Doh, OPs last post seems to answer my question. However, I'm still sceptical of this oft touted argument that having a wife working three days a week is often the critical factor in a man's success. A fair number of women seem to spend their days off pursuing hobbies and attending yoga classes etc. I don't see how this adds massive value to their husband's high flying career.

Jas683 · 27/10/2025 21:47

Nearly50omg · 27/10/2025 21:15

You will be entitled to his pension AND the equity in the house so don’t accept just one!!

This.......

Spirallingdownwards · 27/10/2025 21:51

Jellybunny56 · 27/10/2025 21:13

As others have said, seek legal advice, but it may end up being a good deal.

Everything is “in the pot” really, it’s just a case of dividing it fairly with 50/50 as starting point. So if there is say £50k equity in the house and he wants to keep that, if he can give you £50k from pension funds/savings/whatever then it’s not a bad move for either of you.

It's an actual shit move. Are you his OW?

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