He offered to draw down his pension to buy me out

[Seriestwo]

He is offering to draw down his pension to “give me enough so you can buy a house”.

He is offering this so he can reduce his worth, isn’t he?

Married 23 years, 2 adult kids, one at uni. I was at home with them for years, have no pension. There’s equity in the house which he wants to keep so is offering to buy me out via his pension pot.

i have no idea how much he has financially, he has kept me away from all knowledge of finances. I don’t even know where our utilities are. Basically, I am shafted and he can hide whatever money he likes .

Im right to be suspicious, right?

Have you met him? That is exactly what he would do!

we live in an expensive city, what he actually said was he could give me money to buy a property in small-town-I’m-from or medium-city-where-we met. He said I could be mortgage free.

which is interesting, the sort of interesting that you’d stroke a cat on your lap while you said it.

But what you need go remember is that this is isn’t he buys you a house and you walk away-you are still entitled to 50% of everything! 50% of the remaining pension as well as savings etc.

the source of how he gives you your share is secondary to the fact you have your share. Don’t think because he provides you a property you wouldn’t somehow give up your right to everything else!

No, he’s not ‘shafted’ you, you’ve shafted yourself! There really is no excuse for women to not know about their husband’s finances especially when they are dependent of them due to not working.
Obviously, when obtaining a financial settlement, he will have to declare all his financial affairs, including a CETV in regards to his pension. I’d say, don’t take his word for anything.

Well I guess the perfectly reasonable excuse would be… he refused to tell me?!

Yes, sceptical, but more smart is getting legal advice. It’s the bare minimum you should be doing.

Half of the pension money is already yours effectively you will be entitled to it in a settlement as well as half of the house equity any money and cars will also be split. he is trying to rip you off ask solicitor to get him to present all financial information and hire a forensic accountant if necessary everything technically belongs to both of you this isn’t the time for agreeing between you he knows what you have financially and and wants to seem like he’s doing you a favour by ripping you off and treating you like a fool.

I’m not sure I’d want to stay with a man who was so controlling, but I can see how other women may end up in that position.

But you’d still be in the same position if you left him the first time he refused to tell you or after 20 years of it… you can’t make another person share things they refuse to.

Well I suppose the thing is, no, you wouldn’t be. If you leave the first time you get what you’re owed and you set up on your own and have 20 years of independence and financial clarity for yourself.

You can’t make another person share, but what you CAN do is change who you’re supposed to be “sharing” with.

Seek legal advice. He will not be thinking about your best interests

You sound understandably sad and upset. Give it a few days to digest the information and advice people have given you here. Use that time to arm yourself with a good divorce solicitor. Don’t move out until you’ve had advice. Do all you can to find paperwork relating to his income, savings etc. If there are savings in your name, do you know who they’re invested with? You might be able contact them and put a freeze on any withdrawals

I was responding to a poster who said there is no excuse for a woman not knowing about her husbands finances

Your STBEX is not offering you cash for a new home out of his share but is offering cash from ‘his’ pension before it is subject to a sharing order. So half of what he would pay you would be yours anyway but this way the CETV would be reduced for sharing purposes and as he had already taken a lump sum it is likely that you would lose your entitlement to take a lump sum after sharing.

Do not move out. You were the primary carer. Do not leave him in the family home with your adult children. If anyone moves out it should be him. If he can afford to pay for you to live in rented accommodation he can afford to pay you maintenance pending suit so that you can afford the mortgage and bills and pay for rented accommodation for himself.

Read up on divorce process using Advice Now and wikivorce. Litigant in person is more common now and the process needn’t cost you a fortune so don’t be scared of financial dispute resolution

You will need an initial mediation session (MIAM) but in my experience mediators don’t always have a clear understanding of what the court considers a fair settlement and their duty to be impartial seems to mean that they don’t point out that a proposed settlement is unfair to one party as they can’t offer legal advice.

Eg mediator said STBEX didn’t need to get an expert pension report if he said he couldn’t afford one and didn’t think it was necessary, didn’t have to pay maintenance before suit if he said he couldn’t afford it due to renting a 4 bed house and financially supporting his new partner and only needed to consider his own housing needs. Emboldened by this STBEX went to court believing they would enforce an unfair settlement. Judge at 1st hearing for financial dispute resolution disagreed, ordered pension report and maintenance and told him housing needs of both parties are considered. (His new partner promptly dumped him).

You are in a strong position to get what you are entitled to. He will need to make full financial disclosure for mediation and given his actions during the marriage and in response to separation and divorce I would progress to Court so that he has to make full disclosure of all assets and liabilities. You have nothing to lose.

Never under-estimate the lengths some husbands will go to hide their assets. One of my friends was in a very similar situation to the OP; her DH had money hidden all over the place.

The divorce was eventually settled last year and she got what she thought was a reasonable settlement. The very next month after the hearing (he had argued and fought all the way to a FH), he won £100,000 on his £50,000 Premium Bond holding that hadn't been declared. She only found out about it because one of her DC overheard him talking about it during an access visit.

Edited for typo.

Lol.

I am guessing you will also set up a thread in which you ask carers (mostly women) for the amount of hours they do at home and put a financial value on that. I think you would find that carers / women are massively exploited.

Because society cannot function without the unpaid labour of carers / women, yet economic rules devised by men a couple of centuries ago deemed that it should have no recompense, and worse, be viewed with contempt.

Did you miss the bit in the OP's post where she did all the caring for their sick child? Put an hourly rate on that.

Honestly, no one here knows if he’s trying to shaft op as no one knows the value of the assets. Getting a mortgage free house might be equal
to 50% if assets. Or it might not.

the only advice is go see a solicitor and start the ball rolling, this will start the process of financial declarations. Only then can op make an informed decision

Until you have filled in a Form E agree to nothing.

I don’t disagree but prefer to frame it that there are many many women with big jobs who are successful despite not having a stay at home DH.

in fact it’s quite remarkable really

Has he met someone? Be very wary of him pretending to be generous when it's yours anyway

@millymollymoomoo I think we can have a bloody good guess! STBEX is a high earner who has had minimally shared child care and is secretive around earnings, pensions, savings etc. He even has savings in his wife’s name that she is not able to access which is a clear tax dodge. He’s not honest with his wife or HMCR.

He clearly doesn’t have the interests of his ex wife and their shared children at heart. He never has. OP he has used you for financial gain. He is just as likely to use your adult children for financial gain. (he needs to house them) and emotional gain (you abandoned them) if you leave.

Don’t leave your DC. You have been their constant. They need you now. Don’t leave. Know your rights.

Is this correct:?

let’s assume that:

the OP has nothing and her husband has a 600k house and a pension pot worth 500k

a 50:50 split means that the Op will own 300k equity and 250k pot. Her husband has the same

if her husband pays her 300k out of the pot then: husband has 600k house and 100k pot. OP has 300k from sale of house and 100k pot.

she loses out. Does this make sense?

No because that wouldn’t happen?
£1.1m assets- £550k each.
DH buys her out of the house for £300k
he still owes her £250k.

the asset splitting doesn’t stop just because he’s offered a solution to part of it.

@PocketSand we don’t know that. It’s projection

As others have said @Seriestwo do NOT move out! If you do he will have no incentive to sort the financial settlement out quickly, in fact he’ll probably drag it out!

Sounds like he has a load of other assets as well, including some in OP's name which she knows nothing about.