Housing needs/ split

[CoolLemonBiscuit]

Hi guys,

Im going through a divorce atm its been dragging on for over a year trying to get my ex wife to actually respond to her solicitor. We have three children twins that are 7 (boy and girl) and a 9 year old son. We currently still live together and get on all be it time to time emotions get the better of us, we still have time for eachother.
Whilst its amicable we both differ massively on what we think the split should be.
We live in a 4 bedroom detached home valued at 500k. We have about 315k in equity. Moving foward we earn about the same around the 55k mark I work full time and she works part time. Pension wise there's a 30k difference in her favour.
On the form E I put my housing needs at around the 320k mark and I have a morgage capacity of 180k, in my area I need 290 - 320k to buy a 3 bedroom house to have the kids 1-2 nights a week and more in the holidays.
Ex-wife wants to stay in the family home but on the form E she put her housing needs as 375k, her mortgage raising capacity is 195k and she'll have the kids the other nights etc but shes determined to stay in the family home.

She has has asked her parents to help her out and buy me out at 90k and leave pensions out, if the split was 50/50 it would leave me about 37k short.

The problem for me is this gives me a buying power of 270k which in my area would only allow me to buy a 2 bed property. Which would mean craming the kids in to a small room in a triple bunk beds, whilst this might work when there young it certainly won't last.

If she put her mortgage raising capacity + plus 50/50 split + her money from her parents she'd have the buying power well over 400k and would be suitably housed.

Has anyone experienced this and what was the outcome, I feel im being well under housed at the expense of being able to house the kids reasonably.

Thanks

No doubt you will get your ‘ half ‘ , it may just be that you don’t remain friends after the process has occurred. Having said that I don’t blame you & i would do exactly the same in your shoes .

Based on 50/50 split, you’re entitled to £157k. You’ve told her you’ll accept £120k?
That sounds very fair (for her). If I were her, I’d accept it, she’ll lose loads more in moving fees/court fees if you go to court and end up selling.
She needs to work full time really, if she wants to afford to keep family home.
I would try and buy a 3 bed close to the family home and kids’ schools. In a few years, you can do 50/50 childcare too as they won’t need childcare.
You then get equal time with your children and the CMS payment of £600pm becomes yours again to spend on your kids when you have them.

Why should her parents contribute?

So you think I should just except less living standards, so she can be over housed and work less?

it sounds like you are quibbling over £37k.
Sure if she can raise another £37k then try to get her to do that, get her to go for it. Especially if you are going to feel poisonous resentment otherwise.
However, if she can't or won't raise that extra ...

I think your kids come First and stability for them takes priority over £37k that could be gobbled up by court fees. Certainly £37k to stay on good terms with other parent of your kids and to keep your kids feeling secure is a Small price to pay. It sounds like the only way to otherwise fairly divide is to sell the home and divide the proceeds evenly. That sale could be a stable nice solution for the kids, but only if you are both committed that both of you will prioritise stability for the kids and facilitate the other to have good relationship with the kids. Right now, doesn't sound like you are prioritising the kids, just being unhappy about "unfair" division of financial assets.

It is most common that Divorce leaves everyone poorer as a rule, and Both sides end up unhappy & convinced that they what they got was "unfair." You will be very lucky if you feel any differently at end of this process.

You use the world quibble to make 37k sound trivial, when actually it would make all the difference to my living situation.
Im glad you're fortunate that 37k is a small some to you.

Ultimately like somone else said, one day she will move on, move somone else in and ill be in a 2 bed flat, the kids wont want to stay because there's not proper room.

Luckily my ex also agrees a two bed property isn't enough to house the kids either.

If ask for house to be sold and split 50/50 and pension sharing. You both need to be able to house DC.

Posts like this frustrate me! Why do men automatically assume the role of part time parent because the wife tells them how much they can see the kids. 50/50 is the default these days, women don’t have priority so man up and go for 50/50.

No. I wouldn't accept the proposal. Your ex remaining in the four bed family home whilst you struggle for space in a two bed just isn't necessary- there are other options.
I don't understand why your ex would happily see such a drop in living standards for you.
If she worked full time, her mortgage capacity would be higher and she could keep the family home, without short changing you in the process.
I also don't understand why the children will only be with you 1-2 nights a week.

Because during the finacial split faze of the divorce it benifits women to have the kids more.
I'll struggle to do 50/50 with work but ill do as much as possible after that.

Because thats what she dictated, dont worry im going for more

You need to get legal advice asap. Both of you will need to realise your earning potential and remember too as non resident parent you will need to factor in child maintenance. Courts primary concern be the welfare of the children so legal advice essential as your ex may seek a mesher order to allow her to stay in the fmh until youngest are 18. Also check David Terry divorce forum. He’s retired now but always gives sage initial advice.

Pretty sure most people struggle juggling kids and work when single parenting. That’s why they use wrap around care, work longer hours when kids with other parent etc.

So you’re moaning that your wife works part time and socialises on her day off but you say you can’t do 50/50 due to your work.

You can’t have everything. You either do 50/50 of child rearing responsibilities or you accept she will walk away with more than half.

I got 60/40 in my favour in my divorce. My ex has our children every other weekend. My solicitor said I was being generous.

The court’s priority will always be the welfare of the children and them being adequately housed most of the time. That doesn’t mean your ex will get to stay in the family home. But if she is doing more of the child rearing then she will be entitled to more equity.

I dont expect half, I expect to have enough to reasonably house the children.

As I previously said, there's a 500k 4 bed house and there's a 400k 4 bed house

@cadburyegg the courts would however, base a settlement on her full time earning snd mortgage raising capacity and look at income to include earnings, uc if applicable and cms

% can be meaningless as it’s the size of the pot that’s relevant

You can’t say you want to be a part time dad then insist on the same standard of living. You either sort your work out to do 50:50 and have the same standard of living, or by the sounds of it have less and be a part time dad. @lljkk has nailed it. Divorce is messy. You might both be poorer if you drag this through court. Time to think long term gain and not short term, ie. Wanting to feel like you’ve showed her all your might.

The tone has started to change through your posts and I think we are now seeing the truth. You think you should walk away with exactly the same amount of cash and yet do less of the graft. She won’t be able to work full time if she has the kids most of the time. And from a stability perspective it is far better for the kids to stay put. Forget about her, think about your kids.

Of course she can work full time if she has the kids ! What nonsense ! I and many other mothers do.

op is not asking for 50:50. But he is asking for his FAIR share so he can house himself to a standard where the kids can stay adequately

. There is enough in the pot to do so,

Stick to your guns. She has more earning capacity than you and if you don't get a fair split, you might struggle to upgrade over time. Ask for a greater % of custody and go for your 3 bed.

How old are you OP? I know you said theres a difference in pensions but if you are in your 30's they will not order a pension share due to your age and earning capacity. This was the case for me this week at FDR with a 21K to 48K pension difference. They were left alone. Courts prefer a clean break where possible. In my situation i have the kids full time, thry have additional needs, so court ordered almost 80:20 equity in my favor. Im grateful the court took my side, as even tho i earn more than my ex, i have the children full time, and he had a significant inheritance to house himself, so any personal assets will count for yourself (or her) to house. The children matter the most in these cases.

If you share childcare but majority to her, you will probably get more like a 60:40 or 55:45 scenario, as your incomes are close and no inheritance.

No don’t accept it. You’re right that when the kids are teens they won’t want to be coming to stay with you all sharing a room when they have their own rooms at home. Your wife wants to remain part time, stay in her spacious 4 bed home and happy for you to have to buy a house too small for her needs. If she wants to stay in the family home then she needs to up her hours and take on a bigger mortgage. Why should her parents be giving up their savings when she could presumably, fairy easily up her hours (given you can do the pick ups).

Stand your ground as you’re not being unreasonable here, you’re just asking for the minimum. If your wife wants to stay in the family home it’s in her gift to be able to do that, and pay you a reasonable amount. The kids won’t want to spend time with you as they get older when they have little space. Good luck

why wouldn’t she? I’ve worked full time for years and so do many women. OP does most of the school picks ups so what’s stopping her from working full time?

OP I also think you need to consider having the DC more than 1-2 nights. Yes you work, but so do many parents and have to make it work. Sounds like you have a new job, but why not look for one that allows you to have the DC more. Look at cost of childminders etc. If you want to maintain a good relationship with your DC then prioritise them over overtime etc. Yes you need to live / money to pay maintenance / mortgage but there are more flexible jobs out there. Children are young such a short time.

After I split with my ex he bought himself a 5 bed house whilst I rented and then went and worked overseas for years. My DC are young adults now and of course this has hurt them. The house sat empty for years. We weren’t married so I was not entitled to any share of the savings he built up and our house had zero equity as house prices weren’t great at that time. But my DC know who was there for them and who prioritised their career.

If you’re amicable, do you envisage this continuing? If so I know of a couple who also split amicably and because the second property wasn’t big enough to house the children, but also so they weren’t asking the children to stay in a different house every other week, the parents swapped homes when it was their turn. The dad had a room in his old house and the mum would stay in the flat when it was his turn. The children are older/grown up now. It worked well but you’d have to be friends as parents I think.

You need to stick to enough for a 3 bed property. You may have a different job in the future and be able to have the DC more.

You will also be liable for child maintenance.

As there is enough money in the pot for 50:50 to provide a 3 and 4 bed stick to your guns. There is no reason why she can’t work more hours to afford a larger mortgage if she chooses to stay in current expensive 4 bed.

So you can’t have the children 50:50 because of your employment, which presumably you aren’t prepared to change to enable 50:50 but you expect your ex to change her working pattern to increase her mortgage capacity and free up more money for you?
fact is your ex is the primary carer and it sounds like she will remain so and therefore her housing needs are greater than yours. Why would you want your children to move from their stable home in order that they can have a lot of space 1 night a week when with you?
their primary home is the most important home.