Housing needs/ split

[CoolLemonBiscuit]

Hi guys,

Im going through a divorce atm its been dragging on for over a year trying to get my ex wife to actually respond to her solicitor. We have three children twins that are 7 (boy and girl) and a 9 year old son. We currently still live together and get on all be it time to time emotions get the better of us, we still have time for eachother.
Whilst its amicable we both differ massively on what we think the split should be.
We live in a 4 bedroom detached home valued at 500k. We have about 315k in equity. Moving foward we earn about the same around the 55k mark I work full time and she works part time. Pension wise there's a 30k difference in her favour.
On the form E I put my housing needs at around the 320k mark and I have a morgage capacity of 180k, in my area I need 290 - 320k to buy a 3 bedroom house to have the kids 1-2 nights a week and more in the holidays.
Ex-wife wants to stay in the family home but on the form E she put her housing needs as 375k, her mortgage raising capacity is 195k and she'll have the kids the other nights etc but shes determined to stay in the family home.

She has has asked her parents to help her out and buy me out at 90k and leave pensions out, if the split was 50/50 it would leave me about 37k short.

The problem for me is this gives me a buying power of 270k which in my area would only allow me to buy a 2 bed property. Which would mean craming the kids in to a small room in a triple bunk beds, whilst this might work when there young it certainly won't last.

If she put her mortgage raising capacity + plus 50/50 split + her money from her parents she'd have the buying power well over 400k and would be suitably housed.

Has anyone experienced this and what was the outcome, I feel im being well under housed at the expense of being able to house the kids reasonably.

Thanks

I would like the kids more and certainly will in holidays.

So you think I should just except less living standards, so she can be over housed and work less?

Im fine with 130k its plenty, infact 120k is plenty, I dont want more than i need.

If im honest ill end up doing the school pick ups and clubs during the week anyway, I do the majority of it now.

If you do the majority of the pickups and clubs anyway why not go for 50/50 custody? That way your ex-wife can up her hours and increase her mortgage affordability. In your current situation I definitely think 50/50 on split of assets is fair.

I’m not fully up on all of this but if you have a 2 bed that means you have the children less, you will have to pay more child maintenance will you not?

I’d love to buy out my husband and stay in our 4 bed home, but I accept I’m probably about 50k short of cash for that. The likelihood is we’ll have to sell and both move and the kids lose their childhood home.

is it ideal, no. Is it fair. Yes.

Yeah child maintenance is bassed off how many nights a week you have them.

I want the kids to stay in there home aswell, but..... I dont see why its at the sacrifice of time with the other parent.

When its all said and done what's worth more to a child money or quality time with each parent?

I grew up in a nice four bed family home. My dad was still an arsehole and I hate him for it! I dont remember the nice home I remember being sad and un loved, looking back id take a loving home over a big home any day.
So to me quality time with each parent trumps money, to me anyway.

The room seems split on whats wright or wrong. Thanks for your input everyone! I respect everyone's opinion wether or not I agree is a different matter.

Ignoring income and pension - Your main issue seems to be that you want the matrimonial house sold so that you can both be adequately housed in an equally sized house. That would be fine if you didn’t have DC or care was split 50:50. But you do have DC.

You do 1-2 nights a week and your wife does 5-6 nights a week. Your parenting responsibilities are not equal. You can afford housing that enables you to do 1-2 nights a week. Why would the court think it fair to ‘over house’ you 5-6 nights a week in a 3 bed property whilst permanently under housing your DC in a 3 bed property for 5-6 nights a week in their primary residence with their primary carer?

selling the house may not be in your DCs best interests but you have a significant amount of equity and decent earnings and pension accrual potential. And your wife’s parents are willing to gift her money in the best interests of their grandchildren. I think it would be wise to avoid unnecessary costs and put your DC first. With this as a principle I’m sure you could reach agreement on a fair settlement.

They'd be adequately housed in a 400k 4 bedroom home, would they not?

I'd struggle to house them 1-2 nights a week in a 2 bed flat would I not? Especially as they get older

I don’t think the proposal means she is ‘over housed’ - she will have the children the majority of the time if I’ve understood correctly?? Or are you aiming for 50:50?
if you are aiming for 50:50, then you both need the same housing budget to be able to have the kids equal amounts. If there is one primary residence parent; they take priority at their residence to be housed accordingly; because that is the children’s residence.
If it it just you at your residence; you are being appropriately housed.
It seems to me you don’t understand this principle?
Your residence is not the residence of the children so them being housed at your residence is not a priority.
It strikes me that what you are really saying is you think you should be able to take more than your ‘fair’ share and she can suck up the difference by working more. This would mean that having being married then divorced to you would still be hugely impacting her daily life. I think that’s quite controlling.
There is no way you can say definitely you aren’t also capable of earning more.
If you want to have an equal equity outcome all things considered, you’d need to also have the children ‘equal’ amounts. Why don’t you offer to have them 50% of the time if this is how you feel? I notice you keep saying ‘she is over housed’ - it’s not only her though living there is it; it’s also the children’s official residence. You don’t get equality without equality across all areas.. Xo

Im not saying for her to get a 3 bedroom, im saying she could get a cheaper 4 bed.

What do you propose i do in a couple of years when the 3 children dont want to come over and share a box room? I can't magic more money and buy another one.

Sorry I dont agree its a spacious 4 bedroom family home, she could house them in a slightly smaller 4 bedroom home aswell, could she not?

Are you prepared to push for 50/50? If you’re not & you’re going to be a very part time dad a 2 bed is absolutely fine, you don’t need to have 3 bedrooms for 2 of them to sit empty 90% of the time.

I work a full-time job 5 days a week, I have a second job on an on- call basis, I work overtime in my first employment when it allows.

She works part time and on her day off socialising with friends.

Im not bothered about taking less, im bothered about not being able to house the kids properly.
I want more custody you dont realise she wanted me to only have them for 24 hours.
I think the word controlling is laughable. I dont want to be linked to her, I do however want enough to be adequately housed.

Please tell me how I can work more?

Sounds like she’s soon to be a single parent, I certainly wouldn’t begrudge her a few hours a week with friends.

You sound very manipulative, trying to frame it as in the best interests of the children when they will only be there one night a week. You are actually going to be the one overhoused for the week.

And you have a higher pension according to your updates, despite the picture you originally painted.

Hmm, is her 'part time' like 30 hours a week and you work 40, as you have very much framed it like she works half the hours you do.

She is also housing the children 6 nights a week to your one, she deserves more. No doubt she will also be sorting clubs, after school activites, appointments etc etc while you become disney dad 1 day a week

If the wording in my original post miss led you in the pension aspect then im sorry.

No she works about 21 hours, I do the majority of the pick ups and house work (believe what you like you dont live here).
I've not asked for a 3 bedroom mansion, I've asked for the smaller property to house them.
She's could be housed still in a reasonable 4 bedroom house, I dont really see your point, in controlling.
Why are you saying im trying to spin the narrative of me trying to play on the child factor?
I grew up in a shit home and I love my children, and want whats best for them.
I agree our pensions should be leveled out, i wouldn't argue that at all.

You as for the controlling/ Disney dad comment, you have absolutely no clue on our dynamic and you couldn't be more misinformed.

I've also said childcare wise will never be an issue. We will always both put them first, and still take them on days out as a family unit. My ex and I sat there on wensday night and shared a takeaway celebrating my new job, in fact I can confidently say we will remain friends.

We even went on a day trip to London together since we broke up, without the kids. So you know nothing.

What about turning this around? The children stay in the family home, you buy a small extra place between you and then whoever is not looking after the DC stays in that?
You could do 50/50 that way, week on, week off, or whatever suits you both?

Minimum disruption to the kids. Adults have to move in and out.

When they're older, or circumstances change, you sell both properties and split fairly then.

She'd be fine in a 3 bed, the boys can share.

It's all very well being honourable but you'll be gutted if she moves a new man in to your former home whilst you're squashed in a 2 bed flat.

I watched my brother get shafted by his former wife. And he had the kids 50/50!

I think she should have a 4 bed, but there's a 500k 4 bed and a 400k 4 bedroom

MN is anti men so nothing you do will be good enough here

if you are doing most of the school picks up now there is no reason why you can’t have 50/50 overnights - tell her you’ll take her to court for it. Courts today will grant it no question

on the basis that you have 50/50 then arguably your housing needs are the same as hers - so the family home gets sold. it’s sad but that’s divorce.

she doesn’t want the home sold then she needs to work full time - really no excuse when your children are the age that they are and with you doing school runs

time to get tough with her OP I’m afraid

Yeah i can tell. I work for the a shift based rota and finish late, with nights etc this is why I can't do completely 50/50 but dam right if the kids need picking up from school, clubs, dinner at mine whenever possible, dam right I will!

Sorry, are you really saying that there is 315k equity and you've been offered £90k?
Hold out for sale and 50/50.

Yup thats 315k equity and been offered 90k.
In her words "why would I give you more if I dont have to"

And im thats controlling, apparently.