Ex changed child schedule. + hired a nanny

[Starbuck80]

I split with my ex of 12 years in February but we are still living together as he is delaying the financial settlement and I’m a stay at home parent with no income so I can’t move out. We have a 20 month old and 5yr old and my ex wants the children 50/50 even though up until a few months ago, it was 80/20 all the time and he travelled abroad extensively with work as well. I agreed to trial a schedule where he has the children three days per week. He unilaterally decided on the days that both children are at school and nursery and one weekend day (which he often asks for help on) and will still expect me to look after the kids if he’s got meetings on those days. Yesterday he told me that he will be changing the days he has them with one of the days being when our 20 month old isn’t in nursery and I usually have him and take him to classes. My ex said that he wouldn’t be able to take him as he needs to work. I’ve been keeping a diary of when he goes into the office - 5 times in the last 4 months and very often he is still in bed at 11am or is sat watching tv. He told me that he has hired a nanny to look after our son and pick our daughter up after school. I was absolutely furious that he didn’t think he had to discuss the change of days and nanny with me. If he had done, I’d have been more than happy for our son to potentially do extra day at nursery. He can’t understand why I’m so upset. Am I overreacting?

He sounds like an arse. But you can’t dictate what he does with the children on his days. You need to agree a schedule, ideally formally, and stick to it. Don’t agree to have the children on his days. But if he chooses a nanny on his days, I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it.

You both need to sit down and discuss child arrange re to ensure stability for your children. Neither of you should be deciding unilaterally. Mediation may help you both to remain child focussed and put them at the heart of arrangements

you are a sahm now but at some point you’ll need to return to work . When is that ? Because you’ll need to consider what childcare you’ll need as well

Two separate things to sort.

You need to agree days for stability for the children.

He can make a decision on the care he needs whilst at work as he is their parent. (just as you can make the decision when you have responsibility for your children).

Rather a nanny than an endless cycle of girlfriends

He is going for 50/50 like it or not you need to get a job and be busy ask him if the nanny is live in or not and say you might need to share (and pay for a share) during your time so you can work that way the kids get continued care from a trusted person

You aren't in a position to be a stay at home mum any more. You need to start looking for a job. Yes it will be hard with such young children, possibly only part time for now.

Assuming he isn't an abusive or neglectful arsehole, it's a good thing that he wants 50/50, it will however be a big change for you.

You should also be aware that, even on 50/50 you may be due some CM. It sounds like he is a high earner. If your incomes are very different some will still be due to you

Why is he delaying the financial settlement? Could he be trying to hide or spend assets? Can you use this time to find proof of income to make sure he isn't swindling you?

None of the above is any reason not to start working out how you are going to live independently of him, work on training up, look for term time jobs etc.

If he is a very very high earner (if he's got a sahm and nanny this seems possible) spousal maintenance may also be due but this is not done often anymore or if it is, it may be for only a limited time to allow you to get into work.

I’m sorry but he’s the one who has a job and a schedule to work around. You have nothing so therefore you can be more flexible.

His job in income is going to be providing you with child maintenance.

You don’t have a say in the matter of him hiring a nanny. If that’s what he needs to do to be able to work and have custody of his children, that’s what he needs to do.

The majority of parents have to use a form of child care, it’s just a fact of life.

I hope you have been figuring out where you will live, how you will support yourself and what you’ll do about work.

Will the nanny be looking after the children in the house while you are there?

Thanks for everyone’s comments. He is a very high earner. We’ve moved passed mediation and are now talking to solicitors.

For everyone commenting on my role as a sahm and not working, I really don’t see how that is the issue here. I’m currently refreshing my skills to get back into the workplace asap and would still feel the same way about his decision whether I was working or not.

As I said, we are still living together and talk throughout the day, which is why it’s blowing my mind that he hadn’t mentioned a nanny to me. He wants to know everything that I’m doing and where I’m going but is blind to his own actions. I get hauled over the coals for getting the kids hair cut without telling him but he can bring a total stranger into our home to look after our kids without speaking to me first?

At what point have I said that I’m against childcare? Our daughter went to nursery before school and our son goes twice a week. Why bring another routine into his life when he could just go an extra day to nursery (which is literally round the corner from our house)

I’m in the process of refreshing my skills to get back into the workplace. Hoping to be back working asap.

Our son is already established in nursery with a stable routine and is happy. When I return to
work, surely logically the best thing to do would be to up his days at nursery? Why introduce a new person and routine into the life of two young children who need as much stability as possible.

Bet the nanny is or will become the next girlfriend

You are getting divorced and at some point will be living separately. The current arrangements are interim at best.

He is creating the support he needs to parent his children 50:50. Given his need to work and the fact his work can occasionally mean he needs ad hoc child care a nanny is a good option for him. Is it high handed ? Yes but so is “allowingl him to trial being a parent to his children.

This is astute of him given you are monitoring and recording the times he has needed to ask you to cover for him. As you are already using childcare yourself you won’t really be able to object to this in principle. Although it would be better if you both agreed on one form of childcare.

What are your plans for when you are living separately? His case for having the children 50% of the time is strong. At best it could be deferred a little in the case of 20m child (c 12 months or so). If he succeeds in this and you are using a nursery and the older child is in nursery, you will be able to work. This context is relevant to what I suspect is a case he will make re your ability to work and hence improve your income.

From your post you are also trying to build your own case or justifications as well for things you want post divorce.

It doesn’t sound like you both agree on the financial settlement or child arrangements and that your divorce will be adversarial. I’m not sure what advantage fury will bring you at this point. People with cool heads tend to make better and more objective decisions.

Our son is already in nursery so adding an extra day would not be an issue.

I truly believe he’s doing this to be spiteful to me. What he doesn’t seem to be taking into account is all the benefits you get from nursery compared to a nanny. He’s not thought about what he’s going to do when the nanny is off sick or needs to take time off…

But you can each chose your own childcare. It doesn’t have to just be nursery. Lots of people do a couple days nursery/couple days grandparents or couple day child minder couple days something else.

if nursery doesn’t work
for him then he can decide his own arrangements

You will find things much easier once you are living separately - is there any way to make this happen sooner

And there are equal
positives to a nanny over nursery

it sounds to me you want it all your way

It's tough, but you do need to get back to work.

If he wants the dc 50/50 maintenance will probably will be minimal.

“adding an extra day wouldn’t be an issue”

yes for you, who isn’t paying for it! You’re a sahm and he’s paying for nursery places- why aren’t you taking care of the children if you don’t work?

maybe he has decided a nanny will fit around work better, and also help with things like the kids washing and cooking once you move out. He may be planning to stop nursery if the nanny works out.

if you aren’t paying for the childcare you don’t have much input unless it’s an unsuitable environment.

you want extra days in nursery, you’ll need to pay for them.

Because he's clearly planning on staying put, and a nanny is more convenient for him.

When you permanently leave the house, he doesn't have nursery runs to think about. His childcare is already there at home.

When he's the one paying for the childcare, you can't really take umbrage at which qualified professional he uses.

If he's got to pay (say) £2k a month to someone, he can choose to hire a nanny, see his kids 50/50 and have a hassle free time as she'll do the parenting at home for him....or he can hand it to you and see his kids less for the same amount of money, he's going to choose option A

To add, you’ve put yourself in a really vulnerable position here.

not working, kids in established childcare.

his plan may well be to get the kids settled in a routine with a nanny, he can work, childcare in place.

then when it comes to the financial settlement the logical thing is for him to remain in the house, kids stay in established routine. You move out.

if you go for 50:50 how will you support yourself? Can you pay all your bills, half the children’s costs? If you go back to work can you also pay childcare for your days?

you need to do some serious financial planning and start working out how you can afford to go 50:50. If he has the kids you don’t need financial support, then what?

I suspect a nanny coming into this situation won’t last particularly long. As presumably you will also be in the house when they are working.

How are you planning to support yourself once you are separated?

he’s gone for a nanny because of the convenience for him.

what you want to do on your days is up to you.

you aren’t a couple any more so he doesn’t have to consider you and you don’t have to consider him.

if I was him, I’d go for a nanny too given his work schedule.

I bet he works late into the evenings etc and/or is working sat in bed - I’m still in bed right now but I’ve been working since 8 (and posting here! But I’ve been writing a report.)

You need to get a job. You don’t have the luxury of “refreshing your skills” (whatever that means).

He’s getting sorted for being able to have the DC 50% of the time. A nanny will be much more flexible for someone who has a high earning career with potentially long hours. What he does for childcare on his time is up to him, you don’t need to point out what you think he’s missed.

He’s getting himself into a very good position, and you are in a terrible position. Why can’t you go back to whatever you were doing before? You will be expected to be able to support yourself and the children. The days of wealthy settlements for divorce of high earners are long gone.

Yep.

Have you seen the credentials of this nanny yet? Or is this him moving his new gf in and calling her as such.

Are you actually married?