Ex changed child schedule. + hired a nanny

[Starbuck80]

I split with my ex of 12 years in February but we are still living together as he is delaying the financial settlement and I’m a stay at home parent with no income so I can’t move out. We have a 20 month old and 5yr old and my ex wants the children 50/50 even though up until a few months ago, it was 80/20 all the time and he travelled abroad extensively with work as well. I agreed to trial a schedule where he has the children three days per week. He unilaterally decided on the days that both children are at school and nursery and one weekend day (which he often asks for help on) and will still expect me to look after the kids if he’s got meetings on those days. Yesterday he told me that he will be changing the days he has them with one of the days being when our 20 month old isn’t in nursery and I usually have him and take him to classes. My ex said that he wouldn’t be able to take him as he needs to work. I’ve been keeping a diary of when he goes into the office - 5 times in the last 4 months and very often he is still in bed at 11am or is sat watching tv. He told me that he has hired a nanny to look after our son and pick our daughter up after school. I was absolutely furious that he didn’t think he had to discuss the change of days and nanny with me. If he had done, I’d have been more than happy for our son to potentially do extra day at nursery. He can’t understand why I’m so upset. Am I overreacting?

I’m not sure where I said that I was doing a qualification in life coaching? I’m going to undertake return to work coaching to help build my confidence back up and to look at courses that will help me return to work in digital marketing within the arts and marketing sector.

I’m sorry that you had to return to work when you baby was 20 weeks old. That must have been really hard. I have never been the main earner so returning to work even after one year off with my DC was never a necessity.

So whoever’s day it is does all the main bits like getting up with them in the morning, taking them to school, being cover in the day for illness, picking them up, feeding and putting them to bed.

On the days I don’t have primary responsibility for the children, I get on with life admin, look for jobs, clean the house, go shopping etc. I’m just not managing the main bits. It works for us as it enables us to keep as separate as possible. It’s also the only way he’ll help out. If we were to continue the way we were before, he’d be hiding away all the time, trying to avoid any elements of parenting that he disliked! It’s also been a way to slowly get the kids used to separate parenting that isn’t as traumatic or confusing as telling them ‘hey mummy and daddy don’t love each other anymore but we still live together’. They know that on some days, I’ll be there but just won’t be making dinner or taking them to school.

If the kids want me, then I’m around for cuddles, drinks and chats etc. but I don’t take the main responsibility for them.

I’m not sure that’s true - it certainly does currently feel very tilted towards 50/50.
I think PP posting here that they don’t agree with 50/50 or that OP should demand more are unrealistic. Most mothers don’t have much choice about this.

@edemamequeen No they do not! If it was that simple they would not go to court. 50/50 is not suitable for all circumstances and often older dc are interviewed and don’t want it. A workable schedule for dc comes first. Not a grabbing dad.

@edemamequeen What evidence do you have? My dd is a barrister in this field and many parents go for resident parent having more time because it’s better for school, more certain for dc and allows a better routine and stability with friends and clubs etc.

I don’t want to derail OP’s thread but I have my experience and the advice of several lawyers. As for the “resident parent” many families don’t have a “resident parent” but “shared residence”.
OP, I am sorry you’re going through this. I suggest if you think you having more than 50/50 is both possible for you & (most importantly of course) in your children’s best interest, you ask your lawyer whether a case can be made for it. I was told not but everyone’s case is different. I hope you manage to work it out.

I’ve never really thought about it in terms of being a ‘resident parent’. Just shared parenting with the kids spending the majority of the school term with me due to work schedules.

Tbh, I won’t be the one seeking 50/50 through the courts. If my ex really thinks he will be able to convince a judge that he can manage it, then he’ll have to take me to court. I won’t do it to our children. I don’t have the resources to continue on with a court battle and the evidence speaks for itself.

It’s not about whether he can convince a judge he can manage it.
If he wants it and asks for it he is likely to get it.
I chose to agree to 50/50 in mediation in the end because my ex insisted he would go to court to get it & all the lawyers (good ones) told me if he asked for it he would get it. I was doing more like 90/10 before.
I don’t mean to be scary or gloomy but think it’s better to be realistic than to assume a judge will necessarily look at this in terms of who can manage what.

She's not listening to this at all though.

Completely blinded by her SAHM status. Even though the kids aren't at home half the term time already.

He's going to get 50/50.

I’m ‘blinded by my SAHM status? In mediation back in May 2025 we agreed to trial a more balanced parenting plan so 60/40 during school and 50/50 during holidays. To date, I still have primary care for them circa 80% of the time during school and 60% during school holidays due to my ex’s work, traveling, illness and social calendar. He’s not adjusted his schedule despite his desire for 50/50.

Also, what do you mean that the kids aren't home half the term time? Where are they?

My solicitor has made it clear that we have a good case to argue childcare arrangements based on 10 months worth of parenting records.

Jesus.

They are at school/nursery.

And you sit at home.

That's not providing "childcare". That's unemployment.

Honestly, carry on, you're definitely right. Pop back and let us know how shocked and confused you are that the judge gave him 50/50.

Being the primary carer of a 5-year-old and a 2yr old doesn’t become ‘unemployment’ the moment they step into nursery or school. During those hours is when all the invisible labour of parenting happens: food shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, uniform sorting, clubs sign-ups, medical/dental appointments, forms, holiday cover, meal prep, admin, and the constant logistics that make the entire family function.

And that’s before you add the non-negotiables: drop-offs, pick-ups, sickness days, term holidays, and night wakings — all of which still fall on the primary parent.

Then add into that non-child related responsibilities which for me includes applying for jobs, helping with my elderly parents and volunteering at my DD’s school.

Family courts and Cafcass recognise that caregiving isn’t measured by ‘hours sitting next to a child.’ They look at status quo, availability and continuity of care — especially for young children. So no, I don’t believe that a working parent who outsources their limited days to sitters is automatically going to get 50/50 because someone online thinks stay-at-home = worthless.

I’ll certainly keep you updated on the outcome of my particular case. Hopefully it will help shape any future responses you have to similar posts.

@Starbuck80Id ignore people who think the partners of well paid people all work for money. They do everything else and that is recognised by the courts as equal contribution. After divorce that is a different matter but you aren’t there yet.

I've just read your thread and I feel tension in my head at how you keep answering people's posts.
From them, I can see you have really strung the entire marriage separation out as well as making parenting seem like this heavy, arduous burden. The way you have listed everything a parent must do, like it's a painfully long process that has been shackled to you, is really unnecessary. For instance you say cooking is a task, and list meal prep separately. You mention club sign ups, medical/dental appointments, forms all separately to admin. You also mention that you do volunteer work as a "non negotiable", when really you are wasting your valuable time for no good reason.
No one said being a stay at home parent is worthless, this is something you have made up.
You may have forgotten that this is Mumsnet where the vast majority of us here are seasoned mums. We have all of these tasks down to a fine art, and whilst they are can be tricky to manage, they don't get a front seat in things that stop us from progressing in life.
I have a friend who is divorced, middle aged, not worked for ten years as was bringing up her four children and is in the middle of a university medical degree. She juggles school runs, childcare, runs her home single handedly whilst managing to keep up with her studies and placements without any help from anyone.
It's not easy, but by god does she make it look like a walk in the park. Your kids are young and you have a lot to learn, so you need to start by taking thingss by the horns and making them work for you, not sitting back waiting for them to magically work by themselves. Because that doesn't happen. Plan. Organise. Put things in place. Get things done. Don't look back. That's how you progress.
Good luck.

How do you plan to manage all that when you’re working?

how do you think the rest of us managed?

@Starbuck80
Hi,
Just wanted to say that I think you are getting an incredibly hard time from posters with unreasonable answers!
I am sorry about your situation, it must be so hard to deal with!
In my life with 2 kids and a father who wasn't present a lot due to work commitments and overnight stays away often several times a week it was really hard to juggle my partner time job with his short notice demands for being away and me being left to sort out extra paid childcare to try and manage these situations. And also obviously only working part time for this reason.
I hear you and I agree you have been put in a difficult situation. Not many jobs are available during school hours, not all school offer a good wraparound offer ( my kids certainly dont)
But maybe you need to stand up for yourself more? But I realise the conflict about wanting to make sure the kids are okay!
Sending love

Seriously?

All I’m trying to show is that I’m not sat on my sofa all day.

I will cope absolutely fine when my divorce is finalised and I no longer have to live with my ex. I’ll have a routine and will meet my kids needs and my own financial responsibilities but am currently being held financial hostage by an ex who doesn’t think I’m entitled to any of the marital assets because I haven’t contributed financially.

I’ll update this thread one day in the future and hopefully give you an update on the situation.

All I’m trying to say is that all that stuff you say you’re doing now to fill your day you have to find space to do and work as well.

you have lived a privileged life up to now.

Or...what anyone with a job does outside school hours anyway.

Please. Do tell a judge this.

Oh, I was an actual SAHM for 8 years, and have direct legal and financial experience through my work with this.

You carry on, you're unemployed, regardless of what you think you are.

I’d certainly be challenging the 50-50 he wants as he cannot step up and do it, and the fact you have plenty of evidence of that will help prove that the DC should live with you for the majority of the time. My ex wanted 50-50 and it didn’t last long. He didn’t want to sacrifice his career leaving early to pick up, sick days etc. He spent many of the Dc’s childhood working overseas. Of course he still saw the DC and he is close to them (they are young adults now) but he would agree that DC with me the majority of the time was the stability they needed. I always worked, but obviously had no choice but to leave on time and not go and work overseas as I put my DC first. He did not.

I think your ex bringing a nanny into the equation could work in your favour on court

if he wants 50/50 and then is employing a nanny with (co parenting) talking to you about it, that shows the 50/59 isn’t an option

you can get a job to fit round nursery hours and school + wrap round care

hr travels for business so isn’t available to pick up the 50/50 schedual

i think the only query will be why after so many months have you not found work, yes you’ve been out of the work place for 6-8 years but getting a job and working on a career are two different matters and could be done simultaneously

OP , I am sorry you have received so many snide comments about being sahm.
Posters for your thread seem more bothered about that than you're original problem.
I'm pretty certain most sahm do not sit on their arse all day as someone suggested and that your stbex has achieved what he has income wise knowing that you have done the lions share of thankless childcare and domestic tasks.
I hope things get sorted out soon .

It’s not unreasonable for a nanny to be employed but it’s a big change for dc and not necessary. However it does show that childcare is work!

He’s not done much except work for money and presumably get promoted because op had done everything else. He will probably get a Housekeeper too - or a new partner after divorce. These men earn well because they outsource everything. To a wife or to a nanny or to a housekeeper.

The op should go for more than 50:50. It’s disruptive to dc to change routines and what job she wants is nothing to do with her ability to be the primary childcare giver. Courts are primarily about dc. Men just want to pay for care because they can. Doesn’t make it the best solution though.

Yes childcare is work.

Her kids aren't there. They're at school and nursery. And this will only increase from the number of sessions they currently do. She keeps pretending that because she's there after school she's a SAHM. Newsflash, when do you think working parents are there??

She seems to think she's "providing childcare" and unable to do anything else when her kids are at school all day. Even the most lenient judge isn't going to agree she's doing childcare of children that aren't in the house. One session of after school club and she's not looking after them the entire working day. It makes her exactly the same as any working parent dropping off their kids at the start of the day and picking them up after. She's literally just unemployed for the school hours instead of working. Doing normal life tasks that other people don't make a song and dance about and just get on with in the evenings won't make any court think she's a SAHM.

Holidays? Holiday club or annual leave will cover that between the two of them.

She "can't" get a job now. Not with her career coaching and "non negotiable volunteering.". I'd love to be a fly on the wall when she tells the judge that one.

She’s got a well off DH. She’s not just looking after DC. Most of us who don’t work with dc are busy. I can tell you that what she does with her time won’t trouble any judge! She will probably have to consider working post divorce but that’s the financial settlement! It’s not the childcare arrangements. Childcare centres on DC not having a go at women who don’t work because their DHs do next to nothing except work. You just have no idea!