Ex changed child schedule. + hired a nanny

[Starbuck80]

I split with my ex of 12 years in February but we are still living together as he is delaying the financial settlement and I’m a stay at home parent with no income so I can’t move out. We have a 20 month old and 5yr old and my ex wants the children 50/50 even though up until a few months ago, it was 80/20 all the time and he travelled abroad extensively with work as well. I agreed to trial a schedule where he has the children three days per week. He unilaterally decided on the days that both children are at school and nursery and one weekend day (which he often asks for help on) and will still expect me to look after the kids if he’s got meetings on those days. Yesterday he told me that he will be changing the days he has them with one of the days being when our 20 month old isn’t in nursery and I usually have him and take him to classes. My ex said that he wouldn’t be able to take him as he needs to work. I’ve been keeping a diary of when he goes into the office - 5 times in the last 4 months and very often he is still in bed at 11am or is sat watching tv. He told me that he has hired a nanny to look after our son and pick our daughter up after school. I was absolutely furious that he didn’t think he had to discuss the change of days and nanny with me. If he had done, I’d have been more than happy for our son to potentially do extra day at nursery. He can’t understand why I’m so upset. Am I overreacting?

How high an earner is high?
That might impact the timing if your expected return to work,

in the meantime though he’s still able to organise childcare as much as you are

Why not?

why is her being in the house an issue?

the o/p doesn’t work, yet she is using childcare. What difference does it make whether it’s a nanny or a nursery? She’s not paying for it.

she’s made the mistake of not only giving up work, but also outsourcing childcare. So when it comes to a divorce she can’t even argue that the children are reliant on her as their primary caregiver.

if the children weren’t in childcare the o/p could make a case that they needed to be with her, at least until the youngest goes to school. To facilitate that she needs to remain in the house and receive financial support until she can return to work.

as it is the children are settled and there’s no reason why she can’t return to work and support herself. Childcare is in place which she doesn’t even need to pay for, so the ex can argue that he and the kids remain, she moves out and gets a job.

I wouldn’t be happy if I was to be expected to be in the same house as Nanny whilst Nanny is looking after the DC without first meeting her, surely Nanny would want to meet you as well, it would make it even worse if Nanny was living in. I also don’t understand how you can sort out 50/50 whilst living together, surely you are just Co parenting.

I sympathise with you. I think you need a lawyer at your side to speak for you.

This bloke is stepping up, taking responsibility and making sure he is in a position to care for his children and work once they split.

there’s nothing wrong with that. Better than him expecting her to do all the childcare and housework after they’ve split.

o/p has put herself in a vulnerable position where she’s almost redundant. Kids are in nursery/will have a nanny, he can afford childcare and housing etc- where does she fit in? What’s her role?

if she doesn’t start get her proverbial ducks together it’s going to end with her moving out, and him likely having residency. As how will she afford a family home, bills, childcare etc with no job or income.

Agree with this.

Is the nanny actually going to be coming into your house while you are living there? If so obviously you needed to be involved in selecting her. Were you? (I think not from your post.)

Also, the nanny needs to know the position! This may well be a situation she would never have accepted had she known she would be in the house with a mother who does not want her there & who she has not even met (if that is the case).

It is really most unfair on the nanny - she may be leaving another position to take on a role without knowing the full facts.

if you were not involved in recruiting her, you need to get him to give you her details and contact her yourself to discuss - before she starts- what her role will be & how you will interact. Also her qualifications & references given that she will be in your home.

This is needed for the nanny’s sake, & to endure consistent & stable care. Your husband has been very irresponsible. I mean, obviously you can’t have a stranger in your home.

Have you consulted the solicitor about this?

This. He’s doing exactly what he should be doing- and the op is very vulnerable

The father of the children is allowed to select and employ a nanny.

whilst it would be ideal if the op had been involved there’s no legal obligation for her to have been. Unfortunately.

Were you actually married op?

The 50/50 schedule should be agreed by both of you. No one should unilaterally decide to change days around suddenly when it's a 'rigid' set up.
Where there is an amicable and good co/
-parenting relationship post separation, there can be an element of flexibility. But this relies on you both working with each other and not against.
Each parent deciding the child care arrangements on 'their' time seems reasonable. A nanny may well suit exes work situation better.

He is working and has made child care arrangements for when he is perfectly normal

Replies are very harsh!
Even if he is employing a nanny on his 50:50 how would op be able to afford this? Most jobs don't work round school hours and then you need yet another provider to look after the kids. Which will be yet another person. Our school offers 8 til 5 wrap around care I leave for work before this and am not home til 7pm. And my job doesn't allow other working times.
Childminders are rare where we live and lots don't cover holidays. It is hard without family support. Fair enough hes got his part sorted. But it's not as black and white a all of you suggest!

I genuinely advise you to be constructive and stop fixating on the type of childcare he proposes.
He wants 50/50 so on that basis, could you draft a proposal of his days / your days and you can each decide on childcare for these days.
Then what do you propose in terms of finances, when do you plan to move out, until when do you expect him to fund nursery on your days etc.

The point is that they still share a home, & that home will be the nanny’s working environment.

Expecting the nanny to work in that environment in these circumstances- without full disclosure - is grossly unfair to the nanny. I very much doubt she is aware that there is a mother actually living in the home who does not want her!

There are also going to be legal issues to be considered in bringing a stranger into a shared residential property, with children in it, without consent- in fact, against express objections.

Obviously the husband would be entitled to select & employ a nanny outside the shared home. But this is a very different position. I think the op needs legal advice on the use of shared residential property & that the poor nanny needs to be made aware in advance of the hornets nest she is walking into!

If there is a nanny already in place then o/p gets a job and contributes either her days, or as a proportion of her earnings.

or she allows her ex to have the children mon- fri while she works. Ex pays all the childcare and she seems them at weekends.

like many women with primary care do.

her ex seems to be taking the initiative here and sorting childcare so he can work and continue to see his children. Why is so unfair that she should do the same?

she opted to give up work and put her children in childcare. Nice life as a rich man’s wife, but it’s biting her in the arse now.

never become dependent on a man. At the very least get some savings and pension contributions sorted so should it go tits up you have the funds to support yourself for a year or two.

I suspect once he has childcare in place he’ll ask her to move out.

o/p has made herself dispensable. She’s sitting in the shared home with her kids in childcare not working, while he pays for everything.

she needs to stop being so passive, ask him to move out and take responsibility for the kids, or move out herself and let him sort it.

Why would he move out of a house he pays for

op can’t move out as she’s not earning

assuming they are divorcing they need to push to agree finances that allows them both to move on

Op definitely needs to look at how / where she going to live - surely you want to be out of there asap? Living together separated is awful

You can’t continue to live together in a toxic environment. It won’t do anyone any food, least of all the children.

You need to get your solicitor to expedite ‘interim arrangements’, which are basically the arrangements that are in place until the divorce is finalised.

It will undoubtedly be a tough time but you need fo establish your boundaries and decide what you want (and is fair) with respect to both the children and money.

I think using a nanny is ridiculous in your current situation, particularly without discussion, but it isn’t illegal and, until you have something in writing, he will do as he likes.

He sounds awful. My ex stayed at home until the last minute - until full decree absolute, sealed financial order and property transfer to me and money hitting his account (I was the higher earner). Our financial order says I paid for the full time daily nanny (cost loads) but that was already in place so continuity there.

Sometimes it is cheaper to have a full time 8am to 6pm daily nanny in the week despite having to pay employer NI and her salary than 2 full time nursery places but to change your son's arrangements without consultation is pretty awful of him and to keep changing days is not acceptable either.

Most nannies cannot afford just to work a few days a week so she might like full time instead. One issue for you is your very high paid husband won't get the 30 free term time hours for the younger child whereas you will once you are apart and divorced I would imagine.

Yes but that will be HIS problem. Unless you plan on coming to the rescue.
The best you can do right now is to see how you can best your earning potential so you too can have options in the future.

The OP cannot be forced out of the house without her agreement or good cause.

It would be uncomfortable to introduce a nanny into this set up if the OP isn’t willing to cooperation with her ex. But the OP will need to think through what this will say about her and any objection or opinions she has re her ex working obligations and parenting. She has to assume her ex will record and report on her reactions. Especially if the OP has objected to looking after the children or complained about him stepping up.

OP if you and he can’t agree on co parenting at any level and it causes ongoing acrimony it will be something he has addressed in the CAO. You will be parallel parenting not co parenting.

How is it going to be the op’s home going forward? She won’t be able to afford to buy him out? She isn’t working?

I think the fact he's planning childcare for "his" days is a good thing. So many separated fathers refuse to do so, or only want DCs at weekends so they can do the fun parenting. That said, I do think that the other parent should get "first refusal" so to speak.

But he can't unilaterally decide what days he's having the DC. That has to be an arrangement that suits everyone.