Ex changed child schedule. + hired a nanny

[Starbuck80]

I split with my ex of 12 years in February but we are still living together as he is delaying the financial settlement and I’m a stay at home parent with no income so I can’t move out. We have a 20 month old and 5yr old and my ex wants the children 50/50 even though up until a few months ago, it was 80/20 all the time and he travelled abroad extensively with work as well. I agreed to trial a schedule where he has the children three days per week. He unilaterally decided on the days that both children are at school and nursery and one weekend day (which he often asks for help on) and will still expect me to look after the kids if he’s got meetings on those days. Yesterday he told me that he will be changing the days he has them with one of the days being when our 20 month old isn’t in nursery and I usually have him and take him to classes. My ex said that he wouldn’t be able to take him as he needs to work. I’ve been keeping a diary of when he goes into the office - 5 times in the last 4 months and very often he is still in bed at 11am or is sat watching tv. He told me that he has hired a nanny to look after our son and pick our daughter up after school. I was absolutely furious that he didn’t think he had to discuss the change of days and nanny with me. If he had done, I’d have been more than happy for our son to potentially do extra day at nursery. He can’t understand why I’m so upset. Am I overreacting?

I’d say as it stands it is his choice what days he has the dc.

o/p is a sahm, financially supported by him and his job.

he has to be able to work so the reality is what days he has the children has to work best for his job. O/p has no work commitments.

she is already a sahm- yet her children are in childcare which he pays for. So she’s already had “first refusal” and is happy to see her kids in childcare when she’s not working. He’s just continuing their established routine.

when o/p gets a job and is no longer dependent on him then she has more of a say in when he sees the kids so it fits around her job as well.

Maybe he’s hoping you will get fed up and move out!
Never ever do that!
surely no nanny would agree to work in this weird situation, I am a nanny, I know I would run away!!!

I could be wrong, but it feels like you were the main carer 80% of the time as you say, and therefore probably made all the decisions for the kids. Now, dad is being more active in his parenting role, which on top of the difficulties associated with splitting has meant that you are struggling.
He should be discussing childcare options with you.
If mediation has now moved to solicitors, it means this isn't a smoother split.
Both of you need to make all decisions with 'what is best for the children?' And remember that not all of your gut instincts of being a parent get to go ahead, 50% of them do. Choose your battles.

It’s good he’s not thought about what he’s going to do when the nanny’s sick or on holiday as it will bite him in the arse

(you won’t be helping)

delight in this if you think he’s being spiteful

I assume he’s planning on buying the OP pit of the house and then he has the nanny set up ready. Which sounds reasonable. OP can’t stay in the house with no income to pay for it. OP you need to get back to work asap.

@Starbuck80

How's it going? Have you found yourself a house yet?

Hiya, nope still stuck in the hell of sharing with my ex. We’re still barely any further on with the financial settlement. Solicitors are involved and our first court hearing is in April.

In terms of the sitters, the one my ex used once decided that they couldn’t help anymore and he still hasn’t found another one, despite me ok’ing ones he sends through.

The childcare is still 70-80% me during the school term and 60% during holidays.

lol. The lady he used once went and got a teaching job so she’s not available.

The issue is that he doesn’t plan anything in advance and ends up messaging babysitters the morning he need them to cover the children for a couple of hours if he’s not feeling well. Not many people will drop stuff that fast even if they are babysitters!

These replies are not giving the op, if she’s the wife, a financial interest in the house. As there’s a financial settlement, I assume this is a divorce. When the house is sold, or he buys her out, she has money. Yes work might be good but low paid work doesn’t go far with child costs. If I was op I’d be wanting more than 50:50. I’d expect to be the resident parent and do a majority of the caring. Dc should have their routines maintained but op might need to move away and have dc. She needs to speak to a solicitor about this and what a financial settlement will realistically be. If married she’s likely to get 50.% of marital assets and that includes savings, pension and house. These dc cannot be homeless when money is available.

I don’t get the criticism of a SAHM. Many women married to high earners do this! That doesn’t mean they can, or will, be shafted by ex. Money isn’t always what makes a court agree the resident parent!

I spent the entire marriage begging him to take more responsibility for the children and would love to only have to make 50% of childcare decisions so I don’t have to continually change my return to work plans to cover for him!

I’ve realised that fighting him on babysitters is not needed as he isn’t capable of organising a babysitter due to his chronic short notice requests and he’s only willing to do the bare minimum parenting even now after solicitors are involved and our first hearing is in April.

We both agree that it is best for our children to have both of us regularly and consistently in their lives. However, I can only support this when his actions start matching his words.

I agree, much better to have consistent childcare for your child. Folk here banging on about 'his time, his childcare' clearly haven't had to worry about the impact of such things on their child, or just don't care about what's actually best for the little kid.

I personally don't agree with 50/50 when that wasn't how childcare was divided before the split. Any decisions made should about the children's welfare and not about avoiding maintenance or be solely in the parents interest. If it was 80/20 before it should stay the same to keep things settled for the DC

I’d be more than happy for him to buy me out, but by doing that, his housing will greatly differ to mine and my solicitor has said that courts are rarely willing to sign off on financial settlements that have such a dramatic difference in living standards for children.

I’d love to be back in work already but it turns out being out of work for eight years has a major impact on employability. I’m just about to start a career coaching course so hope that will help my employment prospects.

Thanks. Also just to add that I worked full-time for 10 years before having kids. Being a SAHM was a decision my ex and I agreed would be best for the first few years of the children’s lives.

My case is needs-based so anything that I request in the financial settlement proposal is to support me until I can reenter the workforce and earn a decent wage and give the children a decent standard of living.

In all honesty you need to get a job? It’s nearly a year from your post and you need to be able to support yourself, until you are financially independent from him he’ll be in a position to make decisions like this

I know I need a job! With all due respect, it’s very easy for someone who’s either 1. In employment 2. Not needing to work to tell someone to just ‘go and get a job’. I’ve been applying and not even getting interviews. I’ve registered with four recruitment agencies and am currently offering my skills voluntarily to add to my cv.

My ex is off to NY for a week for work at the beginning of Feb with the total expectation that I would have the children - which if fine because I’m not working but I can promise you that he’d do the same when I start working. He did it when I worked between our first and second child and I ended up struggling in my job because of all the time off I had to take. My point is that I’m expected to be flexible with whatever job I do and that makes finding one even harder to fit around the children.

Being a SAHM for longer than maternity leave, is a sacrifice because you then have to get back into employment and work it around the children. It also took us six years to have our children via rounds and rounds of IVF so their needs are my top priority.

It also took us six years to have our children via rounds and rounds of IVF so their needs are my top priority.

Everyone feels like this about their children; your IVF history is irrelevant when it comes to sorting a job and future child care

@Starbuck80 The courts, as I understand it, cannot make everything equal for the future because he has more earning potential.

However, you have worked! Your care of dc and house has enabled ex to be successful! Do not listen to these work at all costs posters. They almost certainly are not from high income households. My dc went to boarding schools and I didn’t work. Many of the mums didn’t work. They didn’t need the money but they did every single item of household management and admin. Don’t be diminished or defined by work. I would be arguing for sufficient split to get a decent property for you and dc bit that might not be in the same area as dh.
DD is a divorce barrister. I’m sure you will need to seek employment but it’s not an issue in terms of the past. You and ex agreed you would not have paid employment and he benefitted from that. It might not be a 50:50 split if you cannot house dc but you will need to be flexible where housing is. It’s also necessary to state what child care split you want. Would 9 out of 14 nights with you be better and that you are the resident parent? Ask your solicitor about what is best for dc, not what is best for DH whose job takes him abroad.

Thanks for your post! My DD is just about to turn six and still struggles to regulate her emotions massively and hates the switching between me and her father. I proposed that the kids were with me 80/20 during term time (which represents the reality of our situation even during a trial of 50/50) and then 50/50 during school holidays when my ex can book the time off and my DD doesn’t have the pressure of having to go into school every day (which she hates).

My ex isn’t thinking about what’s best for the kids emotional wellbeing, but what is fair to him. It’s such a sad situation.

@Starbuck80 Courts do put dc first. Dc are not a cake to be sliced up. You need to stress any DD upset to your solicitor. Plus ask for x nights out of a 14 day schedule. This should be attainable but with some flexibility if circumstances demand. Good luck with all of this. Yes, holidays are often shared when parents work but during term time, stability should be key, particularly if you have to move to a cheaper area and aren’t just around the corner. Also I would ask about selling the house. Dc move with you and he doesn’t pull the strings on housing. Both you and him start again.

I’m not using IVF as a sympathy card. I mentioned it because it’s relevant to why I took longer than a year maternity leave and am prioritising stability for the children. Childcare and work are logistics which I am already addressing so I’m not sure why you’ve felt the need to say that events in my past are irrelevant when they’ve shaped my present and will affect my future?

this and other PP here are ignoring the fact that currently if a father asks for 50/50 care then they will get it almost without exception. It doesn’t matter what the situation was before.

I’d suggest in Court the father would still need to demonstrate how they would make 50/50 work from a childcare point of view and you could keep evidence of his disorganisation thus far in securing childcare on a whim to demonstrate why you should have a higher share of custody. 50/50 is not always a given even in 2026

on the job front is a qualification in “life coaching” really going to pay the bills? Kindly ….what job did you do before? (As an aside I had to have multiple rounds of IVF to have my children and many many losses ….i still had to go back to work when they were 20 weeks old to pay the bills as the main earner)

I don't understand how you are splitting childcare when you live together. When it's "his" day and your child asks for a drink, do you say no, that's Dad's job? Does he walk around pretending he can't see them when it's "your" day?

If he travels for work, he will need a nanny.