DIY Divorce (husband insisting)

[BroomBroomStick]

Separated from ex husband and living separately. From the very beginning he was adamant that we have a clean break and a DIY divorce, just sorting everything out ourselves. I didn’t want a fight whist still living together so I agreed that we would sort it ourselves.

He keeps insisting that I promise him that we will sort everything out just the two of us. If I show even a tiny bit of doubt or like today tell him that we both need to concentrate on getting our children used to our new set up before we even think about that (it’s only been a few weeks and I’ve been in a bad place) - he becomes angry and gives me the silent treatment. He said today that he “doesn’t like the sound of that” (my telling him I haven’t the headspace to think about that right now) and that I’m “up to something”

I will be seeking legal advice as I would be a fool not too but I know that he would give me hell if he found out I had spoken to a solicitor, he would also potentially go “nuclear” and try to fight dirty even if I only sought advice. It feels a bit like he is attempting to intimidate me into agreeing to seek no legal advice.

We have 2 children under 16
No property
We both have pensions, mine tiny as I’ve been the main carer for many years.
Inheritance - my parents are elderly, his much younger.

Sorry for the typos! Also a few weeks after we broke up he kept repeating - promise me you won’t chase me for child maintenance - over and over! We sort out child maintenance ourselves, he sends random amounts here and there.

How can he expect you to communicate when he keeps giving you silent treatment. can you ask him that? He’s saying communicate but he means obey. The accusations, the lack of child maintenance, he’s just being ridiculous really. I imagine he’s gonna make this difficult either way unfortunately

The whole point you are divorcing is because you don’t want to deal with him anymore.

Use a solicitor, don’t promise him anything and crack on with your life without him.

If you’re doing 50/50 childcare then you don’t need to really consider child maintenance, but if you’re doing more then definitely do CMS and don’t let him just send you what money he wants to when he wants to.

By divorcing you are saying “we are no longer a team”, so look out for yourself and your kids first, because I guarantee he’ll be looking after his own interests first.

Don’t promise a thing. First thing on Monday morning you need to phone a solicitor. Do not let him bully you into a ‘clean break’, it’ll be anything but clean. He’s trying to screw you over OP.

Mine wanted a DIY divorce and said it was ‘in both of our best interests’ 🤣 I told him that I wasn’t stupid and he’d be hearing from my solicitor in due course. The bugger had six figures hidden in another bank account that he didn’t want me to know about.

You are getting divorced.

He doesn't get to dictate what decision, you get to make. That's the point of a divorce.

Fuck him. Handle your own affairs in the way YOU think suits YOUR best interests.

His interests are no longer your concern.

If you don't want a DIY divorce, don't have one. Fuck him. It's not any of his business.

I would not be comfortable with this at all.

Do you have a clear and full picture of your/his/combined assets?

• cars
• savings
• pensions
• Salary

Is the plan for 50/50 parenting? So the children will have equal time with you and your DH? If not then one of you will owe Child maintenance to the other and at a minimum it should be the amount as per the Child maintenance calculator.

You say no property and you have been the main carer, what is his current salary and what is yours? would you be able to work full time if living separately and with the planned childcare arrangements? Will you be able to match his salary potential?

If there is money in savings and pensions even if there’s not property and if your earning potential is lower due to career break and caring requirements then yo7 may be entitled to a higher proportion of the assets when split.

He's 100% trying to railroad you and screw you over

He wants this because he intends to screw you and the DC over.

Go and speak to womens aid. They have a list of lawyers who are experienced in dealing with abusive husbands. Communicate with ex in writing. Anything he tells you, put it in an email. “I refer to your comment to me today that you want me to promise not to chase you for child maintenance. I want to comply with the legal requirements as I am sure you do too”.

Get some support. He is not your friend and he is going to make this as hard as possible. I’m glad you plan to see a lawyer. That’s the right move

I would also be suspicious that he's got something to hide? But of course you need legal advice. Many years ago I got divorced with the solicitors just doing the bare minimum but we were both on the same page and you're obviously not.

Yep he intends to shaft you and is desperate to use any means possible to keep you in the dark for his own gain

Bastard! See the best solicitor you can and pronto!

He has also been sneaky about child maintenance. One example, I paid for a gardener to mow the lawn (ex house) he told me he had sent me money, it was listed as CM!

He’s listed our sons DLA money (it was in a joint account which ex took out money for both of us, items for our son, he transferred me half then listed it as CM.

I paid for rubbish to be cleared from the marital home, ex said he is sending me the money, again listed as CM.

Go to see a lawyer without telling him - tell him whatever he wants to hear in the meantime about how you guys will agree it between yourselves and then ask him for his suggestion on what that should look like. Then discuss it with your lawyer and agree a response - only bring the lawyer out when you need it.

I don’t know if this helps or not.

I did a divorce with very little acrimony, where we both sought independent legal advice and then drew up a separation agreement in draft which we gave to one solicitor to draft and then they went back and forth to agree terms and get the balance right between the 2 solicitors.

we submitted the separation agreement alongside our divorce papers, and it was a relatively quick and simple process. In the court papers we both needed to make it clear if we had sought independent legal advice. My understanding is that a judge would be less content with a DIY if we had not both been informed of our likely outcomes via a lawyer.

if there are few assets then it should be possible to do an amicable divorce, but given it is a legal separation with financial implications you’d be insane to go it alone without using some form of legal advice even if only initial. It is for both of yours protection and he should understand this.

You need a solicitor. Inheritance is irrelevant. You have no idea whether your parent will actually leave you anything. Or when it will come along.

Get a solicitor to my mind he’s hiding assets he doesn’t want you to find out about.

You’re worried about him fighting dirty if you consult a solicitor for proper legal advice? He’s fighting dirty already and you haven’t even realised it. He has more to lose than you by you going to a solicitor. And you have more to gain than him by you going to a solicitor. He knows this. You’re getting divorced. You don’t need to jump when he tells you to.

Lawyer up. He’s a sneaky weasel.

My worry is that he would make my life very difficult with regards to our children and any other decisions going forward. He is not a reasonable person unfortunately.

OP, go to a solicitor. They will demand full financial disclosure, and your DH will have to pay CM - and he won’t be able to take it from a joint account, or claim that he’s given it to you because he’s paid the gardener, or anything else. Of course he wants a DIY divorce because he thinks he can walk all over you. You need legal advice ASAP, and you need to sort out this divorce properly.

We don’t have any assets as such but I would still be uncomfortable about seeking no advice. I would expect him to too and wouldn’t be angry if he did. When my parents pass away I will inherit property and a small sum of money. Would ex have a claim on this after divorce?

If he’s not reasonable then you start being unreasonable: don’t be scared by him being a prat. Ask him ‘why did you list this as CM when it’s so and so’ to get it written down.

He was adamant that we would be friends, he was so nice and seemed to bend over backwards to help me with my new place. If challenged he says - how could you do this to me after everything I have done for you?

If you know he’s unreasonable then that’s even more reason to get him tied into a legal commitment!

And no, once divorced he will have no claim on any inheritance

I agree with others: get proper advice. Who cares what he thinks or says? He's stitching you up. If he threatens you then call the police.

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