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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

DIY Divorce (husband insisting)

82 replies

BroomBroomStick · 09/08/2025 21:04

Separated from ex husband and living separately. From the very beginning he was adamant that we have a clean break and a DIY divorce, just sorting everything out ourselves. I didn’t want a fight whist still living together so I agreed that we would sort it ourselves.

He keeps insisting that I promise him that we will sort everything out just the two of us. If I show even a tiny bit of doubt or like today tell him that we both need to concentrate on getting our children used to our new set up before we even think about that (it’s only been a few weeks and I’ve been in a bad place) - he becomes angry and gives me the silent treatment. He said today that he “doesn’t like the sound of that” (my telling him I haven’t the headspace to think about that right now) and that I’m “up to something”

I will be seeking legal advice as I would be a fool not too but I know that he would give me hell if he found out I had spoken to a solicitor, he would also potentially go “nuclear” and try to fight dirty even if I only sought advice. It feels a bit like he is attempting to intimidate me into agreeing to seek no legal advice.

We have 2 children under 16
No property
We both have pensions, mine tiny as I’ve been the main carer for many years.
Inheritance - my parents are elderly, his much younger.

OP posts:
Dunnocantthinkofone · 09/08/2025 21:39

You DO have assets…..pensions can run to a very substantial amount and it would be quite common for you to get at least 50% of his, if not more. Especially if you sacrificed your career for childcare

granhands1 · 09/08/2025 21:40

He is not your friend and doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Do not trust him, get a solicitor as he is probably up to something

BeMellowAquaSquid · 09/08/2025 21:42

Even with a clean break divorce I thoroughly recommend you getting a financial order for your future. My husband did a “diy” divorce with his ex and we’ve just discovered despite them being divorced 17 years she can still claim on his pension and OUR house. Despite them being really amicable we now have to kick a hornets nest to make sure she gives up all claims going forwards. Unfortunately when divorcing it’s hard to see a future and the impact it can have on a future life.

Knittedfairies2 · 09/08/2025 21:46

He is not your friend anymore OP.

nmsi · 09/08/2025 22:01

Make an appointment with a solicitor first thing on Monday
He's trying to screw you over.
He needs to pay child maintenance properly and not pay for a gardener and claim it's child maintenance.

He's awful, he really is. There's a reason why you are divorcing him, remember that. He's not your friend. Do not let him screw you over by bullying you into a "DIY divorce".

CoastalCalm · 09/08/2025 22:22

You need this settled and settled quickly , see a solicitor and how dare he try and stop you !

sesquipedalian · 09/08/2025 22:27

“He was adamant that we would be friends”

Of course he was - he wanted to make it as easy (and inexpensive) as possible for HIM. This is divorce - he is not your friend; he doesn’t have your best interests at heart. If the children are teenagers, they will have a say about where they want to go. Your DH can repeat until he is blue in the face that he doesn’t want you to go after him for CM: it’s not for you, it’s for the DC. Unfortunately, things will turn unpleasant - they always do when people are arguing about money - but you need the best deal you can get for your children’s well-being and for your own future. When you divorce, what will be taken into account is what you both have today - nobody knows how long your parents will live, or whether they will need their money to pay for a care home, so inheritance doesn’t come into it unless you have already inherited. Don’t be frightened of your soon to be ex DH - he can be as nasty and difficult as he likes, but you will get through it, and it will be in both your interests to get it sorted out - solicitors are expensive, so think about what you want and need and write it all down so you don’t waste time.

RedToothBrush · 09/08/2025 22:29

“He was adamant that we would be friends”

Its not his choice.

If you don't want to be friends, thats a legitimate choice that you are allowed to have.

Its not all about him and what he wants.

FateAmenableToChange · 09/08/2025 22:45

He sounds like a menacing bully, I can see why youre divorcing. It can be scary leaving these sorts of people. If hes not shown any signs of violence before then you should stand up to him. Youre not his friend - just say no, or ill consider it. Try to communicate only in writing, email, text, and be very calm but firm. Use AI if you can, write up your version and then ask it to improve it, very unemotional and clear response. Look up grey rock. Take advice for sure but if there really are no assets then dont spend much on lawyers unless he has a massive salary. Claim through the CMS, dont ask him, just do it (unless he is or can dodge paying tax in some way). Make sure your place is secure, maybe get door cameras. If he is prone to violence, probably need specialist help, womens aid etc.

Moimoimoimoimoimoiandanother · 09/08/2025 23:18

Inheritance isn't part of marital assets. It's not guaranteed.

Jk987 · 10/08/2025 08:10

I reckon he’s got assets stashed away that he doesn’t want to share. He sounds horrible and controlling. Well done for agreeing to divorce. You can surely get a solicitors advice without him knowing? When he’s out at work or when you’re out without the kids?

Have you got a supportive family/friends?

TheStateofRoads · 10/08/2025 08:42

Log everything he has done. Start keeping a diary to remind yourself what a prock he is.

Stop paying for stuff at your former home. If it's rented (as you've said there's no assets) then don't pay for anything

Get good legal advice and get it sorted.

TheStateofRoads · 10/08/2025 08:42

Log everything he has done. Start keeping a diary to remind yourself what a prock he is.

Stop paying for stuff at your former home. If it's rented (as you've said there's no assets) then don't pay for anything

Get good legal advice and get it sorted.

TheStateofRoads · 10/08/2025 08:42

Log everything he has done. Start keeping a diary to remind yourself what a prock he is.

Stop paying for stuff at your former home. If it's rented (as you've said there's no assets) then don't pay for anything

Get good legal advice and get it sorted.

MellowPinkDeer · 10/08/2025 08:57

I would have already engaged a solicitor he is an overinflated bully who you should have already told to fuck right off with his controlling demands.

Original poster
BroomBroomStick · 10/08/2025 09:35

Jk987 · 10/08/2025 08:10

I reckon he’s got assets stashed away that he doesn’t want to share. He sounds horrible and controlling. Well done for agreeing to divorce. You can surely get a solicitors advice without him knowing? When he’s out at work or when you’re out without the kids?

Have you got a supportive family/friends?

We are living separately now thankfully. He doesn’t have any assets stashed away, I would be very surprised if he did. We don’t really own anything apart from what is in the marital home. Legal advice would be related to CM, pensions and anything related to our children. He wants to just file for divorce online with no legal advice. Neither of us has the money for solicitors unfortunately, however his family are well off and would help him financially.

His family are the type to encourage WW3 and for things to turn as nasty as possible. My concern is him using our children as weapons and alienating our children against me (there is already evidence of this happening)

Part of me is scared of his reaction and what he is capable of.

OP posts:
Wolfhat · 10/08/2025 09:53

I've seen a family member go through a divorce with their partner. They were both good people who had fallen out of love and wanted different things. The split started amicably with common sense decisions that put the kids first.

Then something got in their heads and it became the prisoners dilemma (look it up) they both became convinced the other was trying to screw them over and all of a sudden it was full on lawyers and explosive arguments over stuff neither of them cared about just to prove what was 'fair' and 'right'. It was startling to watch and they lost way more on lawyers than they would even if one of them had got the edge on the other.

Now him mislabeling things as CM and refusing to even consider getting advice is huge red flags. But to play devils advocate and give the benefit of the doubt maybe he is aware of how much can be spent on lawyers and with not many assets he is afraid of that.

Note, this advice is only applicable if he was basically a good person and your divorce is because of differences not if he's abusive or has a track record of lying.

I would write and print a letter saying you have heard him saying he wants an amicable diy divorce that puts the children at the centre and you agree. However this relies on total transparency and trust. To go forward the following conditions must be met:

  1. Full, frank and complete financial disclosure on both sides
  2. An acceptance that unless 50/50 child maintenance is payable and the base line will be the cms calculator as that is the legal minimum
  3. An agreement you will both seek legal advice/ mediation but you can do this together to get an independent professional to give you a sense of what is fair and the costs that may be expected if things did become a fight
  4. No more mislabeling things as CM or any other silly games to squirrel away money or make it seem like things are different. It will be impossible without absolute trust
  5. There must be an acceptance that as things have to be split we will both lose out and things have to be balanced, I won't walk away with nothing and do want to compensate for the fact that by mutual agreement I took time away from my career to raise the kids. I also don't want you to walk away with nothing and want you to have what you need so you can move on positively. All conversations must be approached with a good faith mindset.
  6. The final agreement will be checked over by an independent legal advisor to ensure they fell its fair.

Any breaking of these terms or failure to agree means I will go to a lawyer and cms and direct all negotiations through them. This is not a threat but a statement that without those ground rules I cannot proceed with a DIY divorce so it makes sense to skip to the end.

Lurkingandlearning · 10/08/2025 09:57

BroomBroomStick · 09/08/2025 21:33

We don’t have any assets as such but I would still be uncomfortable about seeking no advice. I would expect him to too and wouldn’t be angry if he did. When my parents pass away I will inherit property and a small sum of money. Would ex have a claim on this after divorce?

Has he brought up the subject of your future inheritance? I don’t see how it could be part of a divorce settlement, wills can be changed, assets can decrease in value.

I’m glad you aren’t going to be swayed and will be using a solicitor. Him being so against it really makes me think he isn’t going to be fair and will only be pleasant while he has the advantage.

Original poster
BroomBroomStick · 10/08/2025 10:08

Lurkingandlearning · 10/08/2025 09:57

Has he brought up the subject of your future inheritance? I don’t see how it could be part of a divorce settlement, wills can be changed, assets can decrease in value.

I’m glad you aren’t going to be swayed and will be using a solicitor. Him being so against it really makes me think he isn’t going to be fair and will only be pleasant while he has the advantage.

Show quote history

So he keeps saying “after all that I have done for you” etc. He was so nice in the beginning, saying how we would remain friends, talking of us having family meals together, even watching the same TV show in our separate houses. He helped me move my stuff, helped set up my Wi-Fi, smart TV and purchased an appliance for my home (£100)

OP posts:
LemonTT · 10/08/2025 10:14

Well the first question is what do you want ? How are you prepared to go about achieving that?

Lawyers cost a lot of money. You don’t need them for Child support as a claim to the CMS will address that. You might need a lawyer to agree coparenting splits. How old are the under 16s because if they are 14 and 15, you can save a lot of money by just asking them.

Pensions are easy too. They will be equalised unless there is an age gap. The only decision you need to make is whether the amount saved is worth the cost. If there isn’t much there, it might be a bargaining tool to get whatever furniture you want from the old home. Otherwise just tell him you want a pension share. You presumably have a lot of time to wait for him to sort that out.

The real issue here is your relationship with him which is dysfunctional. Mediation could be a better forum to discuss anything you need to discuss. A parenting app a better option re discussing the children.

There isn’t a WW3 to be fought here. He and his family can try but they will be wasting money and oxygen. Apart from making noise they don’t have any leverage.

He is already making noise and being difficult. Why are you worrying that he will make noise and being difficult? It is just something you have to deal with.

It will be up to you to decide how he and his family can interact with you. They don’t have the right to destroy your peace of mind. If they try and you have clearly told them to leave you alone then they are harassing you.

If he or his family are dangerous then it is a different matter. But it all starts with boundaries being set and held. Dangerous people don’t back off because you are scared they up their game.

peanutbutterkid · 10/08/2025 10:26

He's bullying you. (Which is awful)

it sounds like the gardener is for where OP lives and where he doesn't live... so am not sure he should have paid that (?)... am not following obviously.

Legal advice sounds a bit bonkers (so expensive) when you both have few assets but...

It protects BOTH of you if there is a stated agreement about child maintenance. This is the fact I would state to him, to help him see that's best way forward to make it a formal arrangement. It reduces either of you saying the other has been unfair. I would think to negotiate a set amount per month (possibly with increases over time for inflation, and with a final date) and that starts after you have financial order sorted. You'll still have to negotiate any one off big items potentially, like if you both wanted to pay for a DC's future driving lessons.

If he destroys his relationship with the kids, that's down to him, not your fault. You've got to stand up to him but I would try to use self-evident fact (formal CM is helpful not a hassle) rather than anything else in the being assertive. It doesn't sound like you have any other assets worth splitting.

Original poster
BroomBroomStick · 10/08/2025 10:34

peanutbutterkid · 10/08/2025 10:26

He's bullying you. (Which is awful)

it sounds like the gardener is for where OP lives and where he doesn't live... so am not sure he should have paid that (?)... am not following obviously.

Legal advice sounds a bit bonkers (so expensive) when you both have few assets but...

It protects BOTH of you if there is a stated agreement about child maintenance. This is the fact I would state to him, to help him see that's best way forward to make it a formal arrangement. It reduces either of you saying the other has been unfair. I would think to negotiate a set amount per month (possibly with increases over time for inflation, and with a final date) and that starts after you have financial order sorted. You'll still have to negotiate any one off big items potentially, like if you both wanted to pay for a DC's future driving lessons.

If he destroys his relationship with the kids, that's down to him, not your fault. You've got to stand up to him but I would try to use self-evident fact (formal CM is helpful not a hassle) rather than anything else in the being assertive. It doesn't sound like you have any other assets worth splitting.

Thank you for the advice. We haven’t got any assets to fight over, no property, no savings either. It would be him destroying my relationship with the kids that I would be worried about. Him and his family are very persuasive and manipulative.

OP posts:
Internaut · 10/08/2025 10:38

BroomBroomStick · 09/08/2025 21:07

Sorry for the typos! Also a few weeks after we broke up he kept repeating - promise me you won’t chase me for child maintenance - over and over! We sort out child maintenance ourselves, he sends random amounts here and there.

If he only wants to send random amounts, it's not surprising he wants you to promise. Tell him that he has nothing to worry about if he puts in place an arrangement that reflects the actual costs of housing, clothing, entertaining, educating and feeding the children.

Gettingbysomehow · 10/08/2025 10:41

He can say whatever he wants, it doesn't stop you from doing whatever you want. Make it clear you won't be bullied and you will do whatever suits your own interests. Damned cheek of it.

rainbowstardrops · 10/08/2025 10:49

He’s saying you’re up to something? I think it’s the other way around!
You’ve said you’re worried he’ll alienate the children and he’s already started to, so that alone would make me get something legally in place. He’ll screw you over otherwise.