DIY Divorce (husband insisting)

[BroomBroomStick]

Separated from ex husband and living separately. From the very beginning he was adamant that we have a clean break and a DIY divorce, just sorting everything out ourselves. I didn’t want a fight whist still living together so I agreed that we would sort it ourselves.

He keeps insisting that I promise him that we will sort everything out just the two of us. If I show even a tiny bit of doubt or like today tell him that we both need to concentrate on getting our children used to our new set up before we even think about that (it’s only been a few weeks and I’ve been in a bad place) - he becomes angry and gives me the silent treatment. He said today that he “doesn’t like the sound of that” (my telling him I haven’t the headspace to think about that right now) and that I’m “up to something”

I will be seeking legal advice as I would be a fool not too but I know that he would give me hell if he found out I had spoken to a solicitor, he would also potentially go “nuclear” and try to fight dirty even if I only sought advice. It feels a bit like he is attempting to intimidate me into agreeing to seek no legal advice.

We have 2 children under 16
No property
We both have pensions, mine tiny as I’ve been the main carer for many years.
Inheritance - my parents are elderly, his much younger.

You need to protect your own and your children's interested so do it by the book. It crosses my mind that he might have some financial thing he wants to keep quiet about - an asset he doesn't want taking into consideration.

A friend is mine sorted out the divorce for his daughter to avoid using solicitors who he doesn't have a good word for (he worked for Citizens Advice for over 30 years) and by all accounts he did a good job but he's an exceptional person with extensive experience in many legal and financial matters (he was a financial adviser for many years too - he helped me sort out my pensions too) so, unless your husband is especially knowledgeable in this area I wouldn't advise doing it yourself.

This. He is manipulating you with every conversation. First thing tomorrow morning make an appointment with a solicitor. Stop speaking to him and all conversations run through email. Contact cms and go through wages as he clesrly wont pay

There ia no point trying to pacify a bully. You need to protect yourself and your daughter

And this. People project

Stop communicating with him / distance yourself / keep your new home as your safe space. Find other people to talk to / rely on. You need to minimise contact as he's just using it to bully you.

Use a free parenting app for the childrens contact if they are not old enough or able to sort this themselves.

Just use CMS. Its not something people need to fear, it takes all the conflict out of it as its a set formula and any disputes are adjudicated by someone independent. The main bonus is they collect HMRC info once a year so if his pay changes the amount will also change. Otherwise you have years of trying get financial info out of him.

You are now each responsible for your own bills.

Get the DLA and all your other benefits paid to a sole account for you. He can ask CMS to reduce his payment for expenses for a disabled child and they will decide if thats appropriate. If he has a specific item he needs to buy for your child either you can buy it or he can give you the receipt and you can reimburse him. He can ask the court to split the DLA if he wants but will need to evidence why.

What can he do about the children? Is he going to give up work and look after them? My experience is dads of disabled children disappear from anything that impacts their work or new social / dating life.

Do you have a disabled child social worker? Having a professional who knows you as a carer can be a useful ally if things did get tricky. My ex alleged all sorts when we got to finances but the social worker was able to say he'd not engaged with them for years and the sw assessments were flattering about the care i was giving.

You can take advice without him knowing - there probably isnt much point until you know the pension values (you each need to get these from the pension company). Its common for people to do the paperwork themselves but get advice behind the scenes. He doesnt need to know anything about your life now.

Courts have a massive backlog so you are looking at months not weeks so there is no need to be having these frantic conversations now. Nothing is going to happen fast.

If you think you may get an inheritance imminently then you need to get going on the divorce so why not file yourself and take control? If you are on a low income you wont have to pay court fees so it will be cheaper for you to file anyway (you can give him this as a reason if you are worried about justifying why you are doing it). Go on the court website and look up fee exemptions.

Does he work cash in hand? why is he so worried at his finances being looked at by CMS - its no different than HMRC. At least you then have a regular payment and can plan.

OP you do have an asset - his pension. If you've sacrificed yours to be a SAHM then you're entitled to a share of his to offset.

You also need a financial settlement from the court which includes a clean break clause. This means that neither party can make any further financial claims against the other and will protect any future inheritance.

I think he's trying to protect his own interests here. If he's difficult then it would also be a good idea to have an official agreement on who will have primary residency for the DC and how many days/nights they'll spend with each parent, otherwise the next disagreements will be on who has them for significant events or takes them on holiday.

It's not clear that his pension is big enough to fight over... but I am at fault for not realising his pension might be important.

The courts will ask about value of both pensions, the courts won't want you 2 to split unless it's clear you've both declared respective pension assets. I think I'd sell (explain to him) CETVs are required for the pensions so that you can fill in the paperwork to make the split possible. Decide if half his pension is worth fighting for after you see the CETVs.

Again, not your fault if his family are fuckwit bullies who ruin relationships.

Have you initiated any of the paperwork for this divorce? There's an initial form that costs £600. He can help you fill it in. All it asks is contact details, marriage documention and confirmation that you want to proceed to divorce. That shouldn't be controversial to get filled out. There is a 20 week cooling off period after that ,during which time you can discuss CETVs and making child maintenance a formal arrangement which protects BOTH of you.

He not going to get more reasonable - time to fight for yourself and the children. Please go to a solicitor - you absolutely have to get a fair financial settlement. It's probable that he's hiding something financial from you (pension amoung perhaps?). Best of luck going forward, and remember you won't get another bite of the cherry if he's lying about money, it needs to be done now, and done correctly.

Request mediation. The service will require full financial disclosure. Plus you will have MIAM so you can apply to court as needs be. It’s worth paying for one off solicitor advice. But there are plenty of people going to court to represent themselves where mediation fails. There is plenty of support available. Check out advice now and wikidivorce. You don’t have to pay tens of thousands to a solicitor to get a fair settlement.

You don’t have to agree to an online divorce with a clean break. This is a cheap settlement for a short marriage with no dependent children/ where both parties careers have not been affected by dependant children and where both parties have similar incomes, pensions and similar earning potential. If this does not apply to you it is not suitable.

Something sounds fishy.

Has he won the lottery and hidden it? Haha

In all seriousness, I would go through a proper channel for the children’s sake. Even if it makes yours and his life difficult at least from the children’s side they will have what they deserve from what sounds like a suspicious Ex.

I would get legal advice re inheritance. My online diy divorce, including financial consent order drafted by a solicitor, made sure that neither of us were entitled to claim money from each other post divorce finalisation eg if one of us had a lottery win or inheritance. We both got legal advice separately before agreeing financial & childcare split then applied for the divorce ourselves online.

If his pension is larger than yours then you are likely to be entitled to a share so that you both end up with a 50/50 split of the combined pensions (although it’s more complex than this as it depends on the circumstances).

There is a child maintenance calculator and he should be paying you based on his salary and nights he has the kids. It’s irrelevant what he puts as the bank transfer description. This money should come regularly eg once a month, not in dribs and drabs. If he’s a salaried employee they you have more power to threaten going to CMS (who deduct a fee from him & you) but if you don’t want to rock the boat & risk him being difficult with the kids then it’s best to find a compromise between you that is acceptable.

Good luck.

Helped you set up the wifi and bought a smart TV for your house? Not only would I get a lawyer, I’d get a techie (and possibly a PI). Seriously, I’d lay money he’s spying on you. Are you techie?

What is he proposing as a settlement?

So sorry to hear you going through this. Definitely see the solicitor. It is none of his business what advice you do or do not seek. You are separated from him. You don’t need to discus what you do with him anymore. You need to put your own interests and needs before his.

if you find a good solicitor they will have lots of experience of people being massive twats about CM and will be able to offer practical advice. At the end of the day the money is for the kids, I never understand why these people are so shitty to their own kids.

good luck OP

He is right, you don’t need a solicitor if there are no assets. Get a divorce online but make sure you financially divorce too - there is nothing to say you have e to do this but you absolutely should. Your inheritance that may come is irrelevant. That has the potential to change effectively.
once you have divorce out of the way, then you can just go to CMS if he isn’t supporting kids financially and they will sort that but in all honesty, I would hang on until divorce is done. Play his game for your own. Sake. You do not want to go to court for a divorce with no assets. It’s stressful! Hang on in there. Also, I would try and limit contact with him as best you can.

He has stayed in the family home with all the furniture etc. You are entitled to a share of that (unless it’s rented of course).

The house is rented but we own all the furniture etc

Is he propos50/50 childcare? If you have more than 50 percent childcare then he'll need to pay you minimum of what CMS calculator states for dc. Insist on pension sharing. If you've got a smaller pension because you've been on caring duties for DC whilst he worked that is fair. A court will award you pension sharing 50/50. Has he got savings? Possibly secret savings? Visit a solicitor and if you can take a copy of both of your pension statements.

Is he propos50/50 childcare

I think their older child is with him fulltime. The op has the younger child.

I know that he would give me hell if he found out I had spoken to a solicitor, he would also potentially go “nuclear” and try to fight dirty even if I only sought advice.

Well fucking let him

It feels a bit like he is attempting to intimidate me into agreeing to seek no legal advice.
Ya think??

This. With bells on.

Are your children young or teenagers?
Is he already in another relationship and hadnt made that public and is wanting money for that? Or is he usually suspicious and paranoid?
You're doing the right thing getting legal advice

One teenager and one 9 year old. He’s not with anyone new, no.

It’s not a bit like he is attempting to intimidate you. It’s a lot like it! What’s he hiding?

He is legally bound to pay maintenance for his kids. The end. You don’t make that rule.

Woman, please for fucks sake buckle up. This loser is TELLING you he’s going to shaft you.

@Libertylawn
The teenager is with him full time and hasn't spent overnights with the op yet.
She has the 9 year old full time.
Would they have to pay maintenance to each other?