Ex threatening court as I mentioned moving

[TigletBoon]

Me and my ex separated last year as I found out he’d been seeing a co-worker. It’s been a bit up and down and up until recently we’d been getting on, that was until he decided to start bringing the affair partner round where I live and prioritizing her over our son.

My ex still sees our son, we have a schedule where he sees him every other weekend and then 2 days in the week for 4hrs in total. I have found out he has been palming him off during his time to his brother or mum so he can go pub, which is annoying but it’s his time I guess.

Anyway, I mentioned to him the other day I was considering moving. Might I add not far, an hour max due to a potential job. I just feel I need a fresh start. He is not happy and basically said he’s taking me court.

I honestly don’t understand it. He drives an hour to the affair partners most days and only comes over this way when he has our son, who he has at his mums. He hasn’t sorted another place to live as I guess he’s up there all the time, so hasn’t needed to. He also won’t be moving anytime soon if he could, as he’s in massive debt. He’s recently had bailiffs after him, he’s in arrears with the car and had a massive credit card debt.

Hes tried guilt tripping me saying your taking my son away, but in my eyes I just think, hang on, you’ve moved over there? Yet I can’t move and have to stay here because it suits you. I’m not stopping contact and it’s his choice to keep staying at the affair partners. If he stayed at his mums like he said he was going to, he’d have about half hour drive if I was to move. I’m really not going far as my family’s in the area.

Am I being unreasonable? I just feel like he’s dictating my life, yet he can do as he pleases.

So you are RP

just say go for it

but be 100% sure the move is the right decision for you and your son

How old is your son?

this potential job…. Have you actually seen one? Applied for it?

He’s just turned 4.

I’ve just had a second interview so it’s seems promising and I’d be on more money. I haven’t definitely got it and I simply said I’d probably be looking into moving if I was offered it. I obviously wouldn’t move with no job lined up, though I don’t particularly want to stay in the town either. It’s very uncomfortable for me and I’m miserable here, which is why I thought it would be a good opportunity. But now I feel like I’m stuck here and being unreasonable.

Yes my son is with me 80% of the time.

It’s not something I’d be rushing into and it would probably not be until early next year realistically, but it is something I want to consider.

Now he’s threatening me with court I feel like I’m being unreasonable, even though it’s not far. It’s only far when he’s at hers, but that doesn’t involve my son as he doesn’t even go there.

Let him take you to court, he's got no money to sue you, get your own advice in asap, make sure the visitation he has is documented. Is there a legal visitation set up.

You completely rushed telling him OP

by any chance was it during an argument?

you should have looked very carefully in to this, sussed out jobs, schooling, properties…. And then when you had a clearer idea, approach him to discuss.

Instead you threw a vague idea at him. And he responded with an equal knee jerk reaction

Don't mention it to him again until you have everything in writing.

So you’ve had a second interview
why do you think realistically any move wouldn’t be until “next year”

are you currently working?

No we’ve not been to court, we just set the schedule up amongst ourselves. I was hoping court wasn’t necessary.

I did think how are you going to afford to make me court, and I’ll be honest I don’t think it’ll work in his favor. I just feel like he’s trying to stop us leaving, albeit not far.

I have documented the schedule.

If he’s in debt, he can’t really take you to court so you could theoretically call his bluff.

I think that you told him too soon tbh. Morally he could argue that it’s unfair but practically it’s difficult to do the visits during the week as ds is young and 2 hours on a school day would tire him out.

He wouldn’t be “punished” legally for having his mother or brother look after ds during his time. One of his responsibilities is to make sure that ds knows his side of the family and mother/brother is no different to ds being looked after by a nanny or childminder.

As he’s in debt and you’re moving, can you offer to do the driving every other weekend ?

No it wasn’t during and argument. I just said I’d had a job interview and it seemed to of gone well. He asked about it and that’s when I said I’m thinking of moving to be nearer if I get offered it. To be honest I just didn’t think it would be a problem.

He didn’t say too much at the time, but then I’ve had a message today out of the blue saying he’s taking me court.

I have been looking at houses half way between here and the job. So he’d only have half hour to travel if it was from here, I think his issue is he’s always over there, which obviously then adds an hour on.

Does he pay you CMS?

OP, you were way too premature in firing this at him with such minimal research in place.

And he fired back.

Learn to pause, research, plan and then ask to have a discussion with the father of your child

it’s the grown up way of doing things. And in the best interests of your son

You genuinely didn’t think moving an hour away would remotely be an issue? When that move will also be a seismic shift for the life of his son Op in terms of schooling and ease of access to his father.

Good grief op…. Of course it was going to have a reaction. And you knew it

So where is his official home address where he is registered to vote? His parents’ home or the affair partner’s home? Where would you send court papers?

If it is his parents’ home, he can hardly complain if you move 30 minutes away from them. Even if he intends to move in with the OW, it would be somewhat hypocritical of him to complain that you can’t move in one direction because he intends to move in the other direction 😂 Actually, even if his official address is with the OW, it’s hypocritical to tell you can’t move away because he’s moved away…

I doubt a court will stop you from moving. It’s not that far. They might make you do the drop offs and pick ups though.

Yeah I think it’s clear I made a mistake in telling him. I just never saw it as a problem.

I do all the pick ups and drop offs anyway, so that wouldn’t be anything new. I’d even be happy to meet him half way.

I have no problem with him leaving our son with his mum and brother. I get on with them well still, but they are getting a little fed up with it because it’s been every week so he can go pub whilst he’s over this way. But like I said it’s his time I can’t say too much and I don’t mention it to him. The only time I question it is when he asks me to pick him up early. He just says he’s got to do something for work though.

it is a little concerning you genuinely don’t seem to think moving an hour away, meaning not only your life changes but his son’s life massively changes too in terms of schooling and family around him.

As I said the days he has our son he stays at his mums, I’ve been looking into houses in between here and the job. So 30mins best case scenario. The jobs itself is an hour away so worse case scenario an hour if I literally moved right next door to it.

The point of the job was a higher salary.

My sons not at school yet.

TBF, he already moved an hour away from OP, OP wants to move a further 30 minutes away.

If he is currently living an hour away, that already makes any chance of 50:50 in the future impractical and it’s too far for after school visits or weekday overnights really. If he is going to continue with the current arrangement of seeing his child at his DGP’s, moving 30 mins away from them is not really going to make much difference.

He officially lives at his mums, but obviously drives and hour to the affair partners. So they’d be sent to his mums where I send all his paperwork.

I mean this was my thought process, but now I feel like I’m being unreasonable. He told me he was getting his own place, but hasn’t specified where and obviously unrealistic as he’s in debt.

I do the drop offs and pickups anyway so that wouldn’t even bother me.

He’s technically officially registered under his mums address. He just opts to travel the hour, but all his post goes to his mums.

He doesn’t have our son overnight in the week anyway. He can’t because of work.

CMS?

I know I made a mistake. It was just in a conversation and I didn’t think when he asked about the job interview.

I have looked at housing in the area and affordability and in all honesty it would be more realistic to move outside of the area the job is. So best case scenario would be 30mins away from his mums.

I am but I’m self employed so I want something more permanent. I’ve had the second interview yes.

Ive said next year because im just anticipating getting things in order. Obviously we’re half way through the year already and i know things take time. Plus the job won’t start for a few weeks so it’ll give me time to get the first few salaries behind me.

He’ll still have his family around and he hasn’t started school yet.

My mum lives 15mins away if I was to move half way point, so we are over that way a lot anyway.

It would only be an hour if I was to get a place right next to the actual job.

So you’d commute for the next 5/6 months?

op, I’d completely park this until you know re the job. Then look at schools, housing etc.

and then ask to go for a coffee with ex and talk about how you envisage this panning out