Ex says he won't see the kids unless he can use my house

[Blipity]

I separated from my ex 6 months ago. We have 2 kids under 5. The eldest is doing reasonably okay with the separation, but the 2 year old has not coped. She wets the bed / floor frequently, grinds her teeth at night, cries about missing him pretty much every day etc.

He is a freelancer and won't agree to a set schedule, which I can partly understand. This has definitely lead to DCs being more unsettled though.

When we split he chose to move 5 hrs away near his family and rent a place there. He says he can't afford another place near us and also doesn't want to look after the children without his support network helping. He's been using the house (which I own) every 2-3 weeks for visits. His visits are anything between 2 days to 2 weeks.and I am stuck living with him for those periods. He says if I don't let him use the house he will stop seeing them outside of school holidays. He knows they would really suffer, but he says that would be my fault for blocking his access.

I left him because he has anger issues,.and they have not magically resolved since we separated, so I still have to deal with his mood swings when he is in my house.

He visited last week with his mother and they both lost their temper with me multiple times, shouting at me, sometimes both at the same time. This was during my working day (I worked from home) and I ended up having to take a mental health day from work. He called me mentally ill and dertanged, she called me evil etc.

I don't want him back in the house again, but my youngest struggles so much when he's away even for just a couple of days. Longer stretches would really scar her. He was the stay at home parent.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and don't know what to do.

Big fat no from me. It's bad enough the way him and his mother were speaking to you but in your own home is even worse. Why do men always the woman to sort out THEIR contact arrangements. Not your fault he moved away. He needs to take some responsibility

Nah, don't play his games anymore, it's incredibly controlling and the randomness of visits is confusing and damaging for the children.

My exH moved about 5 hours away one weekend with 24hr notice, we'd previously split care of DD but he had a new girlfriend he was moving in with after a sudden falling out with his parents where he had been staying. Thought he would do the same as your ex, whenever he fancied a visit he'd squeeze a long weekend in type of thing

I said no. Either set a schedule or bugger off. Shocker, he wouldn't set a schedule. It meant I dealt with the anguish in the short term from DD but in the long term she's happier than she would have been if he kept popping up whenever it suited him. He now hasn't even contacted her or asked how she is in almost 4 years, not even a birthday card.

Their choices are their problem, not ours. We just have to do the best we can with our children and support them through the hard parts.

So many single mums have to give up higher earning careers to find jobs which fit in with school hours etc, why should it be any different because he's a man?

Forgot to add....his earning, his routine, his living choices....none of these are your problems to solve or to step yourself sideways to accommodate for. I'm pretty sure you've got your life sorted and are prioritising the children, so that's all that matters. You can't force him to prioritise his children and make some sacrifices, but that doesn't mean you or your children have to make the sacrifices for him. I learned this recently.

I know this sounds harsh but they are young and they will get used to not seeing him.
But having them in your home and being abusive is definitely a big no . They can't be doing that.
Its terrible for you and your children.
He lives to far away and you dont want them staying with him.
You need to go through courts .

Well of course he says he can't afford it, because he doesnt want to pay and he knows you are daft enough to accept that. I dont mean that in an insulting way but you havent fought back so why wouldnt he do the minimum when he knows you will do the rest?

CMS claim. Given that he is self employed you probably wont see much, if any. Thats how a lot of them get away with it, by going self employed paying themselves nothing and using the dividends loophole. But at least it will show him that you are not rolling over and taking his shite.

I wouldn’t let him or his mother over my doorstep again, you need to tell them they are not welcome.
His problems with access are not your problems, he moved away.
He doesn’t want to be helpful, or pay maintenance as it’s all to punish you.

My friends husband wanted to do access at her house because he was a lazy prick, he would go eat her food and basically ignore the kids as they were occupied in their own home. They were friendly but she had to ban him so that he stepped up.

You and your DC are better off without him and his mother. There is some brilliant advise on this thread - save it and use it. Good luck.

You may find the less contact he has with the dc the more settled they are.

TBH OP, it’s not up to you to facilitate him seeing the dc. If his work means he can’t see the dc, then he needs to change jobs or move closer to you. If he can’t afford to, he needs to buy or rent a smaller house/flat.

Ask yourself what you would do in his shoes? As the primary carer you would ‘make’ it work. You’d move, change jobs, you’d do whatever it takes.

To start with stop him coming to the house. That is YOUR safe space, no one should come into your home and shout at you. Secondly go via CMS for child maintenance. Give him set times to see the dc, regular times, if he can’t make it, then that’s his bad luck

You need to keep him out of your home. Children are very adaptable and your youngest may actually be better and settle if he wasn’t turning up and staying in your home. This is actually sending mixed messages - about whether you are together or not, so no wonder they are unsettled. It’s his choice if he will only see them during school holidays if he can’t you your house- not your issue. It was his choice to move 5 hours away not yours. He has no right to stay in your home and absolutely no right to shout at you / abuse you nor does his mother. This is also very unsettling for your children , so his visits / stays need to stop with immediate effect. It’s not your job to facilitate his access to the kids by inviting him to stay in your home. It’s on him to make appropriate arrangements.

Is his job at the place 5 hours away? Or online? Or abroad?

His choice to move - of course you don't have to have him stay. He can take his travel and accom costs off the child maintenance I think.

However, be careful he doesn't argue that he was the main carer so they should move and come and live with him and his mother hours away!

Your children will adapt in time they are young enough.
While you allow them in your home treating you this way nothing will ever improve.
Step up stop him coming to your home and treating you like this.
If he chooses to emotionally abuse you through your kids it's better he isn't around anyway.

He’s controlling you. Been there, done that unfortunately- if a man is controlling and abusive/angry he will keep doing it when the relationship ends. Not committing to a schedule is a really typical tactic for them. I’d say your youngest is unsettled because of the unpredictability not because she misses daddy (I’m sure she does too).

The best thing you can do for your kids is to create a place of safety and calm in your home, don’t let him cross the threshold. None of this is your problem to solve. Your kids will be fine if he is as good as his word and decides not to see them. Important words - you’re not preventing him from seeing them, he is DECIDING not to.

Horrible!
It's obvious that the apple didn't fall far from the tree when his mother and he both berated you together
You don't have to put up his visits, say no, shut the door, tell him you'll not be bullied.
If he had actually wanted proper contact he'd have gone through the proper channels yes?
But if you ask me get rid completely, it'll get easier as time passes
Good Luck X
P.S change locks if need be!

It sounds like you already got all the advice you need but just to agree and share my own experience. My parents split when I was 17 and my brother 14. No drama just lots of little things. My dad moved 8 hours away for work (he’d been laid off months ago and genuinely tried for a solid year to find something closer while temping). He’d visit every weekend and stay with us and honestly it was super confusing for my brother and I, despite us being older and it being a set schedule. The rhythm of the house was always changing and no one could settle into anything. After a couple years of this I ended up moving in with him and he got a house and then everyone took turns doing all
the options and it was much better. nothing about any of this was abusive and we were teenagers so all these points even more try for your wee ones. I really encourage you to formalise things and start to build your new separate life - it be so much better for everyone.

and a hard no to dealing with ex in-laws in YOUR home!