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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex says he won't see the kids unless he can use my house

90 replies

Blipity · 20/07/2025 15:22

I separated from my ex 6 months ago. We have 2 kids under 5. The eldest is doing reasonably okay with the separation, but the 2 year old has not coped. She wets the bed / floor frequently, grinds her teeth at night, cries about missing him pretty much every day etc.

He is a freelancer and won't agree to a set schedule, which I can partly understand. This has definitely lead to DCs being more unsettled though.

When we split he chose to move 5 hrs away near his family and rent a place there. He says he can't afford another place near us and also doesn't want to look after the children without his support network helping. He's been using the house (which I own) every 2-3 weeks for visits. His visits are anything between 2 days to 2 weeks.and I am stuck living with him for those periods. He says if I don't let him use the house he will stop seeing them outside of school holidays. He knows they would really suffer, but he says that would be my fault for blocking his access.

I left him because he has anger issues,.and they have not magically resolved since we separated, so I still have to deal with his mood swings when he is in my house.

He visited last week with his mother and they both lost their temper with me multiple times, shouting at me, sometimes both at the same time. This was during my working day (I worked from home) and I ended up having to take a mental health day from work. He called me mentally ill and dertanged, she called me evil etc.

I don't want him back in the house again, but my youngest struggles so much when he's away even for just a couple of days. Longer stretches would really scar her. He was the stay at home parent.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 20/07/2025 16:05

Don’t let him or his mother back in your house again. No one has the right to shout at you. Tell him to rent a place when he visits your kids. Get legal advice.

FluffykinsTheFerociousFeralFelineFury · 20/07/2025 16:12

Then he dosen't see the kids. His continuing absence will distress them less than the current situation. Don't let him, or his mother, set foot in your house again.

Pateallday · 20/07/2025 16:20

Its more than likely that his behaviour (both his anger and his piss poor visiting schedule) is a huge reason your youngest child is struggling.

There is no reason he should be staying in your house. If he's not on the tenancy or deeds get the locks changed and tell him no. He can stay with friends, in a hotel etc. If he says this is blocking access put it in writing you're keen to arrange a schedule and the kids are available for him to collect at x, return at y. If you don't already have a court agreement establishing you as resident parent please look into one sooner rather than later.

OP you need to draw a clear line. You are well within your rights to say no to your ex asking to stay with you for indeterminate amounts of time. He's an adult, he can figure out his own accommodation.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/07/2025 16:29

Tell him that AirBnB is his friend and you are absolutely NOT his friend and he wont be welcome in your home again.

Also, he is 100% WRONG about you "blocking access". As the resident parent you must make the children available for access, you dont not have to provide the location for him to do that. I would strongly suggest that you get a solicitor to go through it with you and then write to him with an offer. Your older child will need regularity soon due to school etc, he cant just come and go as he pleases, you may need to go to court but in the long run that is the best thing for you as it wasnt you that did itbut the judge.

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/07/2025 16:32

"When we split he chose to move 5 hrs away near his family and rent a place there."
All the better to manipulate you into letting him in, my dear! (Visions of the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood just sprang into my mind reading your OP). At the very least it shows a deep disregard for his children, knowing it would make keeping a relationship going so much harder.

I think you may be misreading your youngest. This whole set-up, with him coming into YOUR home, must be as confusing as hell to her. And then to see you being mistreated? Please, don't subject her to this mind-fuck again.

Set the boundary. He doesn't step foot over your door again. He makes alternate arrangements as to where he stays. He picks the girls up at the door. If he CHOOSES to not have contact under those conditions, it's on him. And to be honest, I suspect your children have more chance of settling into a new normal once he's no longer disrupting them.

Firefly100 · 20/07/2025 16:40

the 2 year old has not coped. She wets the bed / floor frequently, grinds her teeth at night, cries about missing him pretty much every day etc.
that is terribly sad but she is two. She will adapt, she will adapt a lot quicker if he is not ducking in and out of her life on a whim.

He is a freelancer and won't agree to a set schedule, This has definitely lead to DCs being more unsettled though.
His problems are not your problem anymore. Set schedule or no schedule. Your children need it.

He says he can't afford another place near us and also doesn't want to look after the children without his support network helping.
His problem to solve. his problems are not your problem anymore.

He says if I don't let him use the house he will stop seeing them outside of school holidays.
ok. His choices are on him

He knows they would really suffer, but he says that would be my fault for blocking his access.
And he would be wrong. You are not blocking his access. His choices, his problems. Also I believe they would likely suffer less than the status quo.

I still have to deal with his mood swings when he is in my house.
No you really don’t, you are choosing to. Say no he can’t come to your house

I don't want him back in the house again, but my youngest struggles so much when he's away even for just a couple of days. Longer stretches would really scar her.
Not as much as growing up in an abusive home with no sense of security will. On the contrary I suspect a settled routine without abusive parent popping in at random times will do her well-being the world of good.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and don't know what to do.
because he has done a number on you and made his problems your problems. His choices, his problems, nothing to do with you. Your children need stability and to be protected from abuse more than they need to see him.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/07/2025 16:42

I also agree that the issue with your youngest is almost certainly to do with the fact that she doesnt know what the hell is going on.

Daddy is gone for weeks at a time, then is back for two weeks then gone then back for two days. In those two days Daddy and sometimes Grandma is horrible and upsetting mummy.

Look how it is affecting you, and you understand why this is happening. Imagine feeling as you do, experiencing what you are and not being able to understand or process why.

She desperately needs stability and a regular timetable to rely on.

I really do think that mediation and then court is the only way forward for you. Oh and block his mother on everything, toxic bitch.

Rootsdarling2 · 20/07/2025 16:43

Snorlaxo · 20/07/2025 15:49

Are you sure that your youngest isn’t unsettled because the visits are so randomly spaced and random lengths? My child would have been in a state of anxiety wondering if daddy was leaving tomorrow and if he’d ever come back. I think long term he’d settle better if he knew that school holidays was daddy time.

I think that you shouldn’t have him back at yours. He’s trying to control you with these visits and how dare he and his mother abuse you like that? If he wants to see them every 6 weeks then you need to let him do that. Don’t fall for the manipulation.

This. It's confusing for your youngest child. Long term what is the plan? Does he give you money OP? I hope he's paying for his kids! Cheeky bugger!

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/07/2025 16:45

Firefly100 · 20/07/2025 16:40

the 2 year old has not coped. She wets the bed / floor frequently, grinds her teeth at night, cries about missing him pretty much every day etc.
that is terribly sad but she is two. She will adapt, she will adapt a lot quicker if he is not ducking in and out of her life on a whim.

He is a freelancer and won't agree to a set schedule, This has definitely lead to DCs being more unsettled though.
His problems are not your problem anymore. Set schedule or no schedule. Your children need it.

He says he can't afford another place near us and also doesn't want to look after the children without his support network helping.
His problem to solve. his problems are not your problem anymore.

He says if I don't let him use the house he will stop seeing them outside of school holidays.
ok. His choices are on him

He knows they would really suffer, but he says that would be my fault for blocking his access.
And he would be wrong. You are not blocking his access. His choices, his problems. Also I believe they would likely suffer less than the status quo.

I still have to deal with his mood swings when he is in my house.
No you really don’t, you are choosing to. Say no he can’t come to your house

I don't want him back in the house again, but my youngest struggles so much when he's away even for just a couple of days. Longer stretches would really scar her.
Not as much as growing up in an abusive home with no sense of security will. On the contrary I suspect a settled routine without abusive parent popping in at random times will do her well-being the world of good.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and don't know what to do.
because he has done a number on you and made his problems your problems. His choices, his problems, nothing to do with you. Your children need stability and to be protected from abuse more than they need to see him.

This is a brilliant post and I agree wholeheartedly.

Maybe adopt as your mantra "His choices, His problems" every time he tries to pull this shit on you. Use it in your interactions with him. He says he wont see the kids "That is your choice". Says he needs to stay at yours as he cant afford to stay anywhere else "That is not my problem to solve, its yours". Keep repeating it.

pikkumyy77 · 20/07/2025 16:46

Please take everyone’s advice. Better no father than this kind of father.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/07/2025 16:48

Rootsdarling2 · 20/07/2025 16:43

This. It's confusing for your youngest child. Long term what is the plan? Does he give you money OP? I hope he's paying for his kids! Cheeky bugger!

Show quote history

On the basis of what I have read so far......I very much doubt it!

DelphiniumBlue · 20/07/2025 16:49

He's been a SAHP, why does he need his Mum to help him look after 2 children?
He is playing you, OP.
If you really think he can't afford to get an Airbnb near you , you could tell him he can come 2 days a fortnight, without his Mum, and then you take yourself off somewhere for those days, if you think he's trustworthy enough. But I suspect he isn't.
Is it actually the case that you live in a much more expensive area than his family, and that what he is saying about not being able afford to live near you is true? If so , is the lack of affordability because he isn't working full time? Would it be the case that if he got a job ( like many parents do) then he would be able to afford it, and that therefore this is his choice?
Your 2 year old will become accustomed to whatever new routines are put in place. But the current unplanned, random appearances and disappearances of her father are clearly unsettling.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/07/2025 16:51

He was a SAHP and she was WFH.....I cant help wondering if OP did a hell of a lot more of the parenting than she realised and he did fuck all.

JLou08 · 20/07/2025 16:57

He's verbally abusing you in your own home and his mother is joining in to. That's not healthy for the children, it's better for them if you don't allow this anymore and stick to school holidays. The fact you allowed this makes me think he doesn't just have anger issues, you have been controlled by him and his 'anger' was probably him being aggressive to control you. Have a clean break, don't let him abuse you anymore, which also is emotionally abusing your children.

SENNeeds2 · 20/07/2025 17:05

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth I say! He moved away from kids making it difficult to see them. He's abusive ...let it be difficult for him to see them. If your two year old never saw him again, I'm sorry but she would not remember him at that age, or she would remember him very little.

You need to record this abuse legally somewhere, so as they get older you have a reason to refuse them going to his house 5hrs away for extensive periods.

I think importantly - you need to ditch the guilt. You tried, he's continued to be an arse... draw line in the sand and do your best to give your kids the life you want them to have.

DiggingHoles · 20/07/2025 17:09

muddyford · 20/07/2025 15:26

I would say the effect on your child of seeing you treated like that IN YOUR OWN HOME is terrible. And it's sending mixed messages having him live in the family home. Not seeing him is better than this; at least your child can adapt to that.

Definitely this! I think it's the abuse that has the children unsettled, not the infrequent visits, although that doesn't help.

I think that if they can visit him on a regular schedule, even if it is only during school holidays, that would be better than what he is doing now.

But, really, at this point, him disappearing from all your lives would be the best outcome. Your youngest will miss him at first, but I suspect that she will forget about him soon enough. I also think that therapy might be a good idea.

tinyspiny · 20/07/2025 17:13

He will just have to see them in the holidays then won’t he , you may find that the 2 yo improves when he’s around less as it cannot be good for the kids having a toxic home environment during the visits .

BellissimoGecko · 20/07/2025 17:17

Firefly100 · 20/07/2025 16:40

the 2 year old has not coped. She wets the bed / floor frequently, grinds her teeth at night, cries about missing him pretty much every day etc.
that is terribly sad but she is two. She will adapt, she will adapt a lot quicker if he is not ducking in and out of her life on a whim.

He is a freelancer and won't agree to a set schedule, This has definitely lead to DCs being more unsettled though.
His problems are not your problem anymore. Set schedule or no schedule. Your children need it.

He says he can't afford another place near us and also doesn't want to look after the children without his support network helping.
His problem to solve. his problems are not your problem anymore.

He says if I don't let him use the house he will stop seeing them outside of school holidays.
ok. His choices are on him

He knows they would really suffer, but he says that would be my fault for blocking his access.
And he would be wrong. You are not blocking his access. His choices, his problems. Also I believe they would likely suffer less than the status quo.

I still have to deal with his mood swings when he is in my house.
No you really don’t, you are choosing to. Say no he can’t come to your house

I don't want him back in the house again, but my youngest struggles so much when he's away even for just a couple of days. Longer stretches would really scar her.
Not as much as growing up in an abusive home with no sense of security will. On the contrary I suspect a settled routine without abusive parent popping in at random times will do her well-being the world of good.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and don't know what to do.
because he has done a number on you and made his problems your problems. His choices, his problems, nothing to do with you. Your children need stability and to be protected from abuse more than they need to see him.

Brilliant post.

Fluffyholeysocks · 20/07/2025 17:18

So he can't agree to a set schedule for the children. He has moved 5 hours away from the children. He can only see the children if he stays in your home?
Anything else he can't /won't do to put his children first?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 20/07/2025 17:21

@Blipity how the hell did you get into this pickle? do everything through the solicitors. they wouldnt allow him and his mother to stay in your house! I certainly wouldnt have them past the doorstep! if they arent going to take the children to their house then so be it. get the children used to not seeing them. this has to be on your terms!! not his, and certainly not his mother's. solicitors and cms!!

GonnaeNoDaeThatJustGonnaeNo · 20/07/2025 17:22

This needs to stop. It’s not good for you or your children for you to be abused this way.

it’s not your fault.

it’s his fault. 100% his fault.

he is a nasty bully.

Hatty65 · 20/07/2025 17:23

@Firefly100 has made an excellent, pertinent post. Stop letting him tell you that his problems are your problems. They are not.

Please don't ever let him or his mother cross your doorstep again. Your home needs to be a sanctuary for both you and your children.

If he chooses to then not see the children then that's on him. And yes, get a proper schedule in place. One weekend in three, perhaps, as he's moved so far away. If he chooses not to stick to it then that is, again, his choice.

whynotwhatknot · 20/07/2025 17:26

hes using access to control you-just stop it

no court would make you let him stay in your house

SexRealist20 · 20/07/2025 17:27

Blipity · 20/07/2025 15:22

I separated from my ex 6 months ago. We have 2 kids under 5. The eldest is doing reasonably okay with the separation, but the 2 year old has not coped. She wets the bed / floor frequently, grinds her teeth at night, cries about missing him pretty much every day etc.

He is a freelancer and won't agree to a set schedule, which I can partly understand. This has definitely lead to DCs being more unsettled though.

When we split he chose to move 5 hrs away near his family and rent a place there. He says he can't afford another place near us and also doesn't want to look after the children without his support network helping. He's been using the house (which I own) every 2-3 weeks for visits. His visits are anything between 2 days to 2 weeks.and I am stuck living with him for those periods. He says if I don't let him use the house he will stop seeing them outside of school holidays. He knows they would really suffer, but he says that would be my fault for blocking his access.

I left him because he has anger issues,.and they have not magically resolved since we separated, so I still have to deal with his mood swings when he is in my house.

He visited last week with his mother and they both lost their temper with me multiple times, shouting at me, sometimes both at the same time. This was during my working day (I worked from home) and I ended up having to take a mental health day from work. He called me mentally ill and dertanged, she called me evil etc.

I don't want him back in the house again, but my youngest struggles so much when he's away even for just a couple of days. Longer stretches would really scar her. He was the stay at home parent.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and don't know what to do.

Leave the kids with him for a while.

istheresomethingishouldsay · 20/07/2025 17:34

Get legal advice quickly about banning him from your home.

Your children will be more damaged by his behaviour and treatment of you then not seeing him.