Ex says he won't see the kids unless he can use my house

[Blipity]

I separated from my ex 6 months ago. We have 2 kids under 5. The eldest is doing reasonably okay with the separation, but the 2 year old has not coped. She wets the bed / floor frequently, grinds her teeth at night, cries about missing him pretty much every day etc.

He is a freelancer and won't agree to a set schedule, which I can partly understand. This has definitely lead to DCs being more unsettled though.

When we split he chose to move 5 hrs away near his family and rent a place there. He says he can't afford another place near us and also doesn't want to look after the children without his support network helping. He's been using the house (which I own) every 2-3 weeks for visits. His visits are anything between 2 days to 2 weeks.and I am stuck living with him for those periods. He says if I don't let him use the house he will stop seeing them outside of school holidays. He knows they would really suffer, but he says that would be my fault for blocking his access.

I left him because he has anger issues,.and they have not magically resolved since we separated, so I still have to deal with his mood swings when he is in my house.

He visited last week with his mother and they both lost their temper with me multiple times, shouting at me, sometimes both at the same time. This was during my working day (I worked from home) and I ended up having to take a mental health day from work. He called me mentally ill and dertanged, she called me evil etc.

I don't want him back in the house again, but my youngest struggles so much when he's away even for just a couple of days. Longer stretches would really scar her. He was the stay at home parent.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and don't know what to do.

Your child must be so confused daddys here now hes not o wait hes back again, him not being there is not causing the issuses its the confusion and her not understanding when he will be back. She would adjust quickly if there was some routine tell him he's not using your house and can pick the kids up for 1 weekend a month or something.

Another dating day no to him using your house. Your DCs will settle better, it must be really stressful for you and they will pick up on that.

It’s ok to say no to what he wants. If he wants to see his dcs, he’ll find a solution. If he doesn’t want to see his dcs, him turning up is purely to control and punish you, which is not good for anyone.

He’s not allowed to enter your home. He can collect the dcs from the doorstep.

I just want to say that my youngest was 3 when his dad left (I threw him out), and at first his behaviour was awful, he would trash his room, say awful things to me, scream that he wanted to live with dad etc, and blamed me for his father leaving (he was and is an addict). 5 years on, his dad sees the kids less and less, he saw them once in June and we live in the same city, and my kids are infinitely happier and better adjusted the less they see of him. My son still idolises his dad but he gets into trouble less at school, is less reactive, controls his emotions better, his school work has improved and he’s just a happier kid with his dad only minimally in his life. Toxic parents bring chaos and instability. You are enough, and it will slowly get better but you need solid boundaries to protect you all, especially you. If your mental health crashes, where will that leave your family? Protect yourself at all costs.

Well I would tell this lazy childish, angry twat of a man that he can not use your house and can figure out how to be a father without your help or your house.
Step up or step out of your and the kids life. Hes not making much effort is he.

Get ring cameras inside and outside as soon as possible.

He says he can't afford to - but he's about to take them abroad on a £1000 holiday. So far all he has contributed since is £100 for birthday party / gifts, but he made such a fuss about it.

Your 2 year old will get used to it. It's far worse to let her see you be abused regularly in your/her home. Stop this madness now.

I think you are right about this. It's genuinely difficult with his job though. There are lots of stints abroad, evening work, weekend work and typically the work comes in blocs of 1-2 weeks. I don't see how he could do a regular schedule unless he changed profession completely, but then he would have less earning power.

It’s him going to and from your house that’s confusing and upsetting your little girl. And that’s even before anything else going on when he’s there. Stop the visits until something else can be arranged because what he’s doing is coercive control. And as for his mother - she’s a bitch.

What an absolute shit.

Offer to make the children available to him every other Friday-Monday and half the school holidays.
He can either take them to his house or look after them nearby but I wouldn't get into a discussion about it or let him in the house again.

If he chooses not to see them then that's up to him - you can't force him to be a decent parent.

It's worse for your toddler to have him turning up randomly and abusing her mum.

Not all jobs are compatible with being a (single) parent. You can't take a job that involves stints abroad etc.

I did try that for a while, and stayed at my parents when he was visiting, but it was a lot of effort going backwards and forwards, plus I was never in my home without both kids, which meant very little time to house upkeep / garden maintenance etc. I also got uncomfortable with the idea of leaving my own home so he could live there, so stopped.

Thanks for these messages. They are helpful... especially as everyone is saying the same thing! I will probably start looking into a legal agreement. It's probably inevitable at this point

How did he go from being the stay at home parent, to only being capable of looking after the kids with his mum helping?

OP he is still abusing you and your dcs are witnessing it. No wonder they are struggling.

Him coming and going, and staying at yours is bad enough but the fact he's also being abusive towards you makes it even worse.

Have you ever googled how much a night in a cheap hotel or b&b within half an hour's drive of your house would be??

Tell him the kids are still available for contact but due to his behaviour towards you in yours and the children's home, he is no longer welcome there.

He can come for the day and take them out, or have them at his house for weekends perhaps, or he could look at getting a cheap b&b etc.

Yes he's a drive away but a decent parent wouldn't let that stop them.

They also wouldn't let their job stop them building a routine for their children. 🙄😔

I'd get some legal advice tbh and look into protection so he can't just refuse to bring them back from contact. If you don't have anything formal in place he could do that, and then you'd have to petition to get them back. 😔

I'd also reach out if you haven't already and discuss his abuse with nursery, health visitor, your GP, etc. get it on paper and make others aware of it sooner rather than later.

Op, there’s absolutely no reason, apart from the fact that he's an abuser who is still abusing you, why he cannot book a hotel even for one night when he visits the children and have them their with him for a pretend sleepover kind of thing. Next morning he can take them out after check out time for a couple of hours and give them lunch before dropping them back to you. And the next time he says he won’t see them unless he can use your house - say okay and use it against him to prove what he’s doing. Keep the text and you can even show it to the kids when they’re in their 20’s if the subject ever comes up.

In fact call woman’s aid and ask for them advice on what to do - you won’t be the first to have to deal with this kind of abusive bastard.

That is absolutely fair enough.
But it doesn’t look like he is going take the DC out of your house any time soon, so if time to yourself in your home is an issue, then you’ll have to deal with that in a different way. He’s not going to help you. He wants your life to be difficult. This is him punishing you . There are 2 issues: one is the children seeing their father, and the other is you getting time off. He is not going to take them off your hands to give you regular, convenient time to yourself. With that in mind, work out if you can buy time some other way ( nursery, childcare etc) and let him deal with the issue of how to see his DC.It seems unfair because it is, but you being in control in your own home will make this feel much better, even if it is hard.

This situation is screaming out for court orders.

It's not your job to facilitate his relationship with his children. That's his job. If he won't do that then he's a shit dad.

Stop allowing him to make all of his choices into your problems.

I think your dc would be more settled without the angry person. Say no more visits due to ex temper. Who he blames is up to him .

Stop letting your abuser use your house! He's doing it to manipulate you and has enlisted the help of his god awful mother too. 😠

No need to let either of them into your home. If that means he can't see the children then so be it. If it means there has to be a court order then also so be it. Would he even bother with that? Maybe, maybe not

I would think your children would become more settled if you put a stop to this abusive contact. They are probably uncomfortable with his behaviour and that of his shit mother as they witness them both abusing you. You also don't want them to grow up thinking that this is the way to behave in relationships and normalise it.

The LAST thing your children need is someone like him around them! They are behaving like this because he’s a narcissist and a controlling abusive arsehole and you letting him in your house shouting at you and calling you names is just carrying on abusing your children being around that

Why is any of that your responsibility though? Stop letting him control and manipulate you, his actions are damaging the children. Don't facilitate him.

Your home is a safe space for you and your kids. Letting him stay in the family home is giving the children mixed messages and also giving the message to him that even though he is an ex, he is able to exert power and control over you.

Your kids are of an age that they need an established routine. His job is not your issue but for him to work around if he wants to see the children. In fact I would consider if any contact is in their best interests given his abuse of you and them by extension.

Get legal advice asap and go to court for a contact order but in the meantime, do not let him into our house. If he gets angry then call the police and also women's aid for advice.

Please also consider doing the Freedom Programme.

I stopped allowing my abusive and controlling exh using my house to see the children, his house has been ruled unsafe by social services, he has several other options but won't use them. I took him to court to arrange access and he didn't show up 🙄 he now hasn't seen the DC for 15 months because "I'm stopping him" obviously 🙄 but both DC are much much happier as their home is now a safe place and he isn't just turning up when he feels like it, cancelling when he can't be bothered etc.

Don't allow him to disrupt their safe place any longer, allowing him to use your house and then abuse you whilst he is there is far more damaging to the DC than limited/no contact. If he genuinely wants a relationship with his DC that's in their best interests and this isn't just about remaining in control then he will make alternative arrangements to see them. With his work pattern it might not be a rigid schedule and you may have to be more flexible (and that does not mean accepting an hours notice that he wants to collect them or disrupting plans you have already made by not giving reasonable notice)

Write down your boundaries and reasons for the need to stick to them and keep it safe so you can refer to it and remind yourself when he ultimately tries to manipulate you/lay on a guilt trip etc it will soon become clear if his priorities are indeed the DC or himself/his need to still control you. You know his pattern of abuse so if once he realises his threats aren't working, if love bombing is his next move then also write a list of all the reasons why you ended the relationship and dont get sucked back in.

Please also go through CMS, you may end up with no payments if he works cash in hand or whatever but it will show him that you are no longer under his control. If he states hes not paying as he wants 50/50 custody then he needs to come up with the plan as to how that is going to work not you.

Your home should be a safe space for you and your kids. Period. At the moment it's not for either of you because of his demands.your giving him power OP for and indefinite amount of time - this power is now absorbed by his mum and others as and how they want. So stop it. You left him, you did the biggest thing but your still at his behest because he's threatened you. Threatened that's it. That word. Don't allow him to. Let him stop seeing your kids if that's what he's like now in the years to come this power play will transfer to those kids over the smallest of things. Stop him now before he does this to your kids one day too. Take the next step and be strong.