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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Ex husband's holiday request

81 replies

Summerkoala · 06/05/2025 15:00

Hi Everyone,

My ex and I have just come through a very messy divorce and have two children (aged 3 and 6). We have a 50/50 child arrangement and school holidays are currently split one week each.

My ex is asking to change the order for next Xmas (2026) so he can take the girls to New Zealand for a 2 week holiday to visit his friend. The girls will the be 5 and 8.

He is threatening to submit a C100 form to the court if I don't agree to this.

How likely is the court to agree to this? I can't bare the thought of him taking them to NZ on his own, and for them to be away from me for 2 weeks. They're already both struggling with the 50/50 arrangement.

A bit of background... We had CAFCASS involved during the court cases and they stated there was evidence of coercive control on his part and that the girls should not be away from me for more than three nights. The report them contradicted itself entirely and suggested a 50/50 agreement. I felt completely let down by them and ended up settling out of court which I regret.

He has since continued to be awful, awkward and nasty to me over message about just about anything we have to discuss where the children or money are concerned.

I thought this would all get easier once the court cases were over... He has got what he wanted on most things and is still full of hate and not happy. I'm not sure how to countinue like this as the girls grow up. It's really wearing me down.

Any advice would be grately appreciated.

OP posts:
paranoiaofpufflings · 07/05/2025 04:03

I don’t know the legalities of this for context.

Adjusting the parenting arrangement for a two-week holiday is a reasonable request and is presumably something you will both want in the coming years.

However, this is two weeks over Christmas. I don’t think a 5 and 8 year old not seeing one parent at all over the entire Christmas period is in their best interest.

I would feel different about it if they were going to visit a grandparent or other family, but not to visit a friend of the dad.

So I would reply with something like “I’m happy to rearrange to facilitate two-week holidays at other times of the year but while the children are still so young it’s important they spend time with both of us at Christmas.

Original poster
Summerkoala · 08/05/2025 21:24

Thank you all for your responses.

For an update: I spoke to my solicitor for advice and she said that I have a case to challenge my ex taking the girls over Christmas. As they're both quite young, Xmas is still a magical time for them and they should be with their family over the Xmas period.

I will, however have to offer a compromise and suggest he takes them at another time of year.

So, I put this to my ex. Suggesting the compromise as well. His response was hostile. He says that Xmas is the only time he can take them due to the weather and the opportunities available to them over the Xmas period in New Zealand. He says the children will have no problem being away from me for that amount of time and that I am not putting the girls first.

He has refused to negotiate or compromise and has started the process of going through court. The first step is mediation and the MIAM alone is £130 each, with each mediation session costing £250 each.

Any advice on this? I feel I'm being flexible by giving him the chance to take them at another time of year, but feel strongly about not allowing it over Xmas.

What happens if I refuse to pay for mediation?

OP posts:
MamaorBruh · 08/05/2025 21:28

Summerkoala · 08/05/2025 21:24

Thank you all for your responses.

For an update: I spoke to my solicitor for advice and she said that I have a case to challenge my ex taking the girls over Christmas. As they're both quite young, Xmas is still a magical time for them and they should be with their family over the Xmas period.

I will, however have to offer a compromise and suggest he takes them at another time of year.

So, I put this to my ex. Suggesting the compromise as well. His response was hostile. He says that Xmas is the only time he can take them due to the weather and the opportunities available to them over the Xmas period in New Zealand. He says the children will have no problem being away from me for that amount of time and that I am not putting the girls first.

He has refused to negotiate or compromise and has started the process of going through court. The first step is mediation and the MIAM alone is £130 each, with each mediation session costing £250 each.

Any advice on this? I feel I'm being flexible by giving him the chance to take them at another time of year, but feel strongly about not allowing it over Xmas.

What happens if I refuse to pay for mediation?

If he is starting court action then he should be paying for it.
I'd refuse, it's not you who wants this.

As an aside, if you qualify for legal aid then you'd get help. Plus a lot of places have vouchers towards mediation for situations like this - have a quick Google.

I'd be astonished if a court awarded a 5yr old to be away from their Mum, for 2 weeks over Christmas time.

Uberella · 08/05/2025 21:36

It’s not just a 2 week holiday is it though;it’s designed to deprive you of your children for the entirety of Christmas and New year.

Plus isn’t December insanely hot in NZ?

Uberella · 08/05/2025 21:37

Uberella · 08/05/2025 21:36

It’s not just a 2 week holiday is it though;it’s designed to deprive you of your children for the entirety of Christmas and New year.

Plus isn’t December insanely hot in NZ?

Also won’t the flight be abit much for a 5 year old?

DorisTheFinkasaurus · 08/05/2025 21:43

Don't pay for a thing. Do not start mediation.
All you EVER need to do is follow the current court order, which does NOT say, "Negotiate with your ex and pay for mediation sessions so that he can strong-arm you into letting the kids go to NZ over YOUR court ordered Christmas dates with the kids."
He's just background noise at this point... throwing his toys out of the pram.
Ignore.

If he is going through the court and you do eventually get a hearing date, then of course, you contact your solicitor, prepare for court.
But until that happens (IF that happens), just stick with the court order.
I would not rack up ANY legal or mediation fees before you get a court hearing date (and see if that even happens).

Mumof3confused · 08/05/2025 22:14

If you refuse mediation, he will then be able to request the mediator signs a form to say this, as he will need this to submit court papers.

Personally, I’d drag it out without it being obvious. Reiterate what you have said. You don’t believe it is in their best interest to go away at Christmas. He can take them at another time of year. Take a week or two to respond each time. Same with the mediator. Ask for a conversation before you commit. A week or two between emails. Then say you can’t afford it and ultimately you don’t agree so you question how useful mediation is in any event. Once he eventually files his application it’s unlikely he will get a hearing in time for this Xmas so at least you will not have to let them go this year. Hopefully the judge will agree anyway that it’s not the right time to leave the entire family and the traditions behind. They need time to settle into their routines and new traditions post-separation at this age.

If he takes it to court you won’t need a solicitor for this. Just self represent.

Mumof3confused · 08/05/2025 22:16

Uberella · 08/05/2025 21:36

It’s not just a 2 week holiday is it though;it’s designed to deprive you of your children for the entirety of Christmas and New year.

Plus isn’t December insanely hot in NZ?

Although I agree with you, it’s not a good idea to present this argument about mum being deprived in any emails, since they will be used against her in court. She needs to always stay child-focussed in her communication. What’s best for the children, what they need. What mum wants or feels is mostly irrelevant in my experience.

DaisyChain505 · 09/05/2025 10:32

As I previously asked, have you actually asked your children what their opinions are on this holiday?

titchy · 09/05/2025 10:58

DaisyChain505 · 09/05/2025 10:32

As I previously asked, have you actually asked your children what their opinions are on this holiday?

They’re 6 and 3….

DaisyChain505 · 09/05/2025 11:21

titchy · 09/05/2025 10:58

They’re 6 and 3….

Show quote history

Doesn’t matter. They still get an opinion. If they were upset at the thought of going yes OP should be fighting to stop the trip but what if it’s actually the opposite and they’re happy and comfortable to be going away with Dad and by OP ignoring their feelings they’re missing out on a huge opportunity just because she’s putting her feelings first?

Ceska · 09/05/2025 11:55

What if you went too?

Stayed somewhere else, had the girls for half the time?

StMarie4me · 09/05/2025 11:57

Perfectly reasonable, however heartbreaking it is for you.
I lived through this and my children were enriched by their holidays. It was only me that suffered, not them.
I would agree, with grace.

choppywood · 09/05/2025 11:59

Just let them go and have an adventure with their dad

GreenTraybake · 09/05/2025 12:07

2 weeks is not really unreasonable for such a long trip. You want to make the most out of it. That said, your feelings are valid as this is the xmas period where everyone wants to spend as much time as possible with family. The court would also find his request reasonable unless you have evidence that he is not a good father? You can find a compromise by having the kids for a two week christmass this year or easter next year or even summer? I feel you do have options.
Divorce is sadly very unsettling for everyone involved and sometimes parents just have to do whats best for the kids even though it may not be best for them as parents.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 09/05/2025 12:22

Is your ex definitely going to bring the DC back? Ie this isn't him sounding out a possible move? I personally think a court would find in his favour. Due to their ages, any holiday has to be during school holidays; New Zealand is far enough away that 2 weeks represents a reasonable time period to allow for the lengthy travel;Your ex has the DC 50:50, so he is a regular engaged father no matter how horrible to you he might be. This is also for Dec 2026 so he has given 18 months notice.

I had to share my DC over Xmas and New Year, alternating, so your reasonable negotiation is to ensure the DC are back in good time for you for the New Year. You will need all travel details Flights, accommodation details, contact details etc.

But believe me I do understand that no matter how accommodating you are, he will still be an awkward shit on anything you want. My ex wouldn't ever compromise at all.

Zanatdy · 10/05/2025 07:39

It’s a reasonable request and it could well be granted. My kids went to India with their dad and grandparents for 2wks over one Christmas, they were older, 9 and 12 but I wouldn’t have stopped them going. Their father has a right to take them on holidays and i’m sure they’d have a good time.

Blushingm · 10/05/2025 08:01

What about the fact that they might want to go? NZ is amazing and they’re lucky to get the opportunity to go

Original poster
Summerkoala · 10/05/2025 14:16

Ive accepted the fact that they should be able to go, I'm just asking that he chooses another time of the year. I'm just asking that they don't go at Christmas time, at least not while they're so young.

He's booked his miam meeting for mediation, it's just all so expensive and, knowing him, he'll only be using it as a tick box to take me to court. He just won't budge and compromise with me... He won't even entertain the idea of flexibility.

OP posts:
Toomanydogwalks · 10/05/2025 15:11

Think about what you would be happy to agree to OP. Think of a couple of compromises and suggest those to him.
E.g rather than going for the two weeks of Christmas holidays, could he go for the two weeks of Easter holidays. Ask that the children spend some time until the day of travel, then return them to you as soon as possible when they get back.

I appreciate how frustrating it is dealing with a dick swinging bloke: you just have to find solutions.

Original poster
Summerkoala · 10/05/2025 17:03

I've suggested this option to him. He's point blank refused to negotiate at all and insists it's his way or the highway.

He says Christmas is the only viable option due to the weather and that the girls don't need to see their family (apart from him) over the Xmas period.

Do I have to agree to mediation? I know someone mentioned about dragging it out, but I really can't afford it. I'm also still waiting for the settlement from the divorce to come through and am in so much debt because of the whole thing.

OP posts:
Mumofoneandone · 10/05/2025 17:09

Summerkoala · 10/05/2025 17:03

I've suggested this option to him. He's point blank refused to negotiate at all and insists it's his way or the highway.

He says Christmas is the only viable option due to the weather and that the girls don't need to see their family (apart from him) over the Xmas period.

Do I have to agree to mediation? I know someone mentioned about dragging it out, but I really can't afford it. I'm also still waiting for the settlement from the divorce to come through and am in so much debt because of the whole thing.

I always understood that mediation was pointless if one or other side wasn't prepared to compromise.
It is worth double checking if you have to try mediation before you can get to court. (A quick Google suggests you should) If you do and he is totally uncompromising it could be useful to have an independent person witnessing his behaviour.
Is there any way of getting the settlement sorted first - from the point of view of one thing at a time, especially if he is leaving you with limited finances to try and limit your options.....

Lifeisinteresting · 10/05/2025 17:12

I had parents who would take each other to court for an extra week here and and extra week there on holidays instead of just being reasonable with each other. It’s not uncommon to go to NZ or Aus over the Xmas period. Would it be the end of the world to just let them go? Instead of you two taking chunks out of each other with the court. No one wins in this situation and ultimately if this continues as the kids get older they're more aware and it becomes very upsetting.

Maxiedog123 · 10/05/2025 17:18

Dixkhead or not, he does unfortunately have a point about the weather in NZ. If they are planning on doing lots of outdoor things Summer would be best. Easter might or might not be ok.

Elektra1 · 10/05/2025 18:05

Throwing my tuppence worth in, 2 years ago my wife left me for someone else and it was horrendous. I had been primary carer for DD (now 6) and suddenly ex decided she wanted 50/50 care, having done nothing before. I was dead against it and the thought of her taking DD away even for a week practically made me vomit. A year later we went on a holiday to the same location where we each had DD for a week (separately) so we all got a holiday but DD didn’t have to be flying out and back and then doing the same again straight away. One of my ex’s siblings lives in a lovely far-flung location and I can see us doing something similar so ex can take a holiday with DD there in future.

We have 50/50 but in a 2-2-3 pattern and that works well for DD.

Two week holidays are not unreasonable requests, albeit over Christmas is tough for you. Would you consider going as well, and splitting the kids’ time between you? Alternatively, you could agree to it on the basis that you get a 2 week holiday at Easter or summer - and make it clear that 2 weeks over Christmas is very much the exception this one time as the kids would want to see you both over Christmas ordinarily.

PP are right: you have got to make it work, especially given how young the kids still are, or the next decade is going to be hell for all of you.

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