Ex husband's holiday request

[Summerkoala]

Hi Everyone,

My ex and I have just come through a very messy divorce and have two children (aged 3 and 6). We have a 50/50 child arrangement and school holidays are currently split one week each.

My ex is asking to change the order for next Xmas (2026) so he can take the girls to New Zealand for a 2 week holiday to visit his friend. The girls will the be 5 and 8.

He is threatening to submit a C100 form to the court if I don't agree to this.

How likely is the court to agree to this? I can't bare the thought of him taking them to NZ on his own, and for them to be away from me for 2 weeks. They're already both struggling with the 50/50 arrangement.

A bit of background... We had CAFCASS involved during the court cases and they stated there was evidence of coercive control on his part and that the girls should not be away from me for more than three nights. The report them contradicted itself entirely and suggested a 50/50 agreement. I felt completely let down by them and ended up settling out of court which I regret.

He has since continued to be awful, awkward and nasty to me over message about just about anything we have to discuss where the children or money are concerned.

I thought this would all get easier once the court cases were over... He has got what he wanted on most things and is still full of hate and not happy. I'm not sure how to countinue like this as the girls grow up. It's really wearing me down.

Any advice would be grately appreciated.

You can refuse, let the courts decide but if you go down this route you can say goodbye to ever being able to have any flexibility for a longer trip yourself. Could you use a mediator to come to an agreement that means he gets x and you get y

It’s not an unreasonable request and court very likely to agree.

Will you never want a 2 week break?

And why should they not be away from you for more than 3 nights? Based on what ?

For somewhere so far away I can’t see why a court would side with you - it’s not really practical to holiday in NZ just for a week. As hard as it is I think you’ll have to agree - perhaps also book 2 weeks with them and get his acceptance in writing at the same time

At 5 and 8, two weeks on holiday with a parent is completely normal. I would expect that to happen every summer.

Xmas 2026 gives you and the dcs plenty of time to get used to the idea. Are they going on holiday with him this summer? What's happening at Xmas 25?

Far better that you accept this is a normal part of co-parenting and join in the fun, talking about it being the opposite season, and what things they might see. It will also allow you a proper rest.

You have 15 years of co-parenting to get through OP, you need to find some common ground, and splitting everything 50:50 until the dcs are old enough to decide for themselves, will make life much easier for everyone.

It was written in the CAFCASS report that she advised they weren't away from me for longer than three nights.
This was based on her interview with my oldest who said she'd prefer to be with me for the majority of the time.

I’d accept that this is a reasonable request and you’ve got a long time to get used to the idea and for them to.

Meet it with “Ooh great, I was wanting to take them away for 2 weeks at Easter 2026 so this will even things out nicely. Thanks!”

Let them go. Don't use the children to point score. If you are worried about them not being used to be away so long let them go to his for 10 days before then too so they do get used to it.

How are things when the children are with him?

Has anyone ever actually flown to New Zealand? It is a roughly 26 hour flight and to do it for only 2 weeks is pretty tough going. It takes a good week to ten days to get over the jet lag and unless he can afford business class it is long and uncomfortable. If your girls are already struggling to be away from you I think this would be very hard for them and if anything were to happen or they were unwell you can hardly jump on the next plane to get there. I think I would take my chances and go to court.

I would have thought it was too soon to be making a decision like this, if the divorce is only just finalised, coersive control has been raised and the children are needing to get use to the new arrangements.
Not quite sure why he wants to take them either (do you know the friend?) as they are still quite young and it's a long old haul. Particularly as it's over Christmas - Easter break might be one thing (tho realise it will be autumn there....)
Also, planning that far ahead could he be planning to take them and not return - don't want to worry you but this popped into my head when I realised it was 2026, not this coming Christmas......

The report may no be contradicting it’self. Is it saying 50/50 but no more than 3 nights at a time?

I think given they’re ages 2 weeks is too long.

You've just come off the awful divorce trail. An element of trust is broken between you and your ex, for sure, and will take time to build up again. Do not deviate from court orders or CAFCASS' report. It's way too soon for that. And if you meet your ex half way right now, he'll take the piss and ask for more and more.

Right now, you both need to just stick to the court order, re-establish trust, and just allow your children time to settle into family life post-divorce. They are very, very young, your children. Your daughter spoke her mind. CAFCASS listened and advised based on her wishes, which are valid.

NZ isn't going anywhere. Neither is dad. He'll have plenty of opportunity to take this trip to NZ with the children. It's not about huge trips abroad to make dad happy. It's about settling everyone into a calm, settled routine post divorce- which is a loss and a trauma for everyone and everyone in this situation deserves time to reconfigure and just take a minute to breathe.

And for those saying, don't use the children to point score, you are not doing this! You're following a court order, the law itself.
Christmas 2026 is his to plan. It's in the court order. No one is point scoring or punishing dad here. Dad can ask anything he wants, that doesn't mean he should get it. The judge made this order with your children's welfare in mind, not as a penalty towards the ex.
When trust is re-established and you and your ex can form a friendship from the ashes of your marriage (it is absolutely possible to do this), you won't need court orders. At that point, your word is bond and your communication will be underpinned by trust. Until that day, follow the court order.

This is difficult. In 18 months, the DC will be that much older, and the proces of 50:50 childcare will be far more established. Assuming he is a good dad and looks after them appropriately, there's no reason to think that 2 weeks in NZ would be bad for them by then. But it's difficult as really, he'd need to book the flights in a couple of months I imagine.

I think you should tell him that actually, you realise it could be a good plan but can you revisit in a few months when the existing process is more bedded down?

I think also, assuming he's reliable etc, you missing them is not a good enough reason to stop them from going on an amazing trip.

I don't actually think it is reasonable to do 2 weeks in NZ at Christmas...maybe in the summer holidays it would be fine, but Christmas is a special time, particularly with such little children who still find it all magical. Most split families will ensure each parent sees their kids at some point over Christmas Eve/Christmas Day/Boxing Day. Why does he have to go at that time specifically?

On the 3 day point - was the Cafcass officer recommending he see them max 3 days then you for 3/4 days, rather than one week on one week off?

Sounds like a reasonable request to me with absolutely loads of notice. I’d be making sure your own reservations don’t affect the children. Tell them how lucky they are to go on an amazing trip.

Surely you just say as it is so far away and the children have not yet got used to the break up and current contact pattern it’s too early to assess and suggest you both review how contact is going towards the end of this year. Flights won’t be out till December anyway so it’s not as if a decision needs to be made now.

You've only just got the order and he already wants to make a huge change to it? I'd say he's got no chance with his C100. To posters saying 'if you aren't flexible with him, he won't ever be flexible with you' - he is never going to be flexible with OP. He is Demand Man. This is why there has had to be a court order. It's not for fun. Just say 'we need to stick to the contact agreement in the court order'. I doubt he'll file to court. It would be ridiculous.

It’s not unreasonable though.

and it’s perfectly plausible for a child who says I want to stay with mum majority of time to still a to go on a 2 week break with dad.

this isn’t about the children - this is because op doesn’t want them to go as she’ll miss them ( perfectly normal of course but not a reason to prevent it!) . There is 18 months to plan and get excited

Hi ex., that's sounds like it could work for both of us actually.. Fran has asked about a trip to ibiza... Guess I can make that happen now thanks!!
Let him crack on with passports and holiday clothes....
Await hearing about his plans.

It is a reasonable request to have them for a two week holiday

Who is "the friend" in NZ? Male, female, relative or not? Do you know them well and do you trust them?

That's what I'd be wondering. If all is fine there, then let them go. I feel that until he books the flights I'd be a bit sceptical about the trip anyway. I think he's testing you to see how you respond.