Page 5 | The amount of men who have a midlife crisis and abandon their families is depressing

Menreallysucksometimes · 2025-03-11T22:39:40+00:00

Is anyone else thoroughly depressed with amount of men who seem to be having a midlife crisis and are prepared to leave their partners and families and just walk away? Do many of them coming crawling back?

User32459 · 12/03/2025 16:26

I think men and women do.

Vast majority of divorces are initiated by women. Difference is women tend to deal with the majority of the childcare.

4Candle · 12/03/2025 16:29

User32459 · 12/03/2025 16:26

I think men and women do.

Vast majority of divorces are initiated by women. Difference is women tend to deal with the majority of the childcare.

Edited

Which would make sense in theory, because they can plan for that. Let’s not forget that despite how hard it might be, most women do actually want that too.

Whycanineverthinkofone · 12/03/2025 16:41

4Candle · 12/03/2025 16:29

Which would make sense in theory, because they can plan for that. Let’s not forget that despite how hard it might be, most women do actually want that too.

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Yes it’s unusual to find a woman who actually wants 50:50 or to be nrp. I wouldn’t want it. Or to share parenting. It’s not unusual for the nrp to be excluded from child related decisions.

pp said earlier in the thread men only wanting 50:50 to get out of paying CM. There’s a lot of women opposing increased access because they’ll lose CM.

User32459 · 12/03/2025 18:33

Starlight1984 · 12/03/2025 11:12

It's absolutely insane.

The worst is when someone starts a thread about their husband wanting to have sex with them and everyone is in absolute outrage. How dare they have normal and natural needs and feelings towards the woman they married!!!! They should go for a wank and thank themselves lucky that they have a wife who cleans their clothes and makes dinner in the evenings. How dare they expect sex too. Disgraceful.

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A lot of women here seem to view any male with a sex drive as disgusting. But if he doesn't want to have sex then he must be having an affair/have a porn addiction/ and you need to LTB to get your needs met.

Almostwelsh · 12/03/2025 18:36

User32459 · 12/03/2025 16:26

I think men and women do.

Vast majority of divorces are initiated by women. Difference is women tend to deal with the majority of the childcare.

Edited

Are they? In the UK about 60% of divorces are initiated by women. Which I would say is a slim majority. And ofc that is just who filed the paperwork, not necessarily who ended the marriage.

I was stubborn and refused to divorce my ex after he left me. I told him if he wanted it, he should do it. It took him 5 years and probably wasn't the best thing for me in hindsight, as I'm sure it gave him time to hide some assets. I can see why many women would decide to file themselves in that situation.

Workingmum13 · 13/03/2025 01:48

justanothercrapbedtime · 12/03/2025 06:27

Yes this was my experience. I was always a lot more successful than him. He got noticeably more miserable after I had a big promotion. And then even more so after the twins

I think he felt I only needed him to have children. Once id had 3 children he felt surplus to requirements (largely true I suppose). It was clear I loved having twins and he hated it. And I suspect he felt like a total failure (which in the cold light of day he is)

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Sorry, not to be mean the utter callousness of this took me aback. Like you, I'm focused on work, but my partners' success is in them excelling in their field, not bringing in similar amounts, within reason.

WellsAndThistles · 13/03/2025 02:05

I know more women who strung their husbands along until the mortgage was paid off, kids put through Uni etc then kicked them out in later life.

One ex SIL, had the perfect family but got bored once kids were older. Kicked DH out the house then refused to sell up, took half her husbands pensions, totally screwed him over in the divorce and traded him in for a toyboy. Didn't last long and she's a bitter twisted lonely lady now. Tried to get back with BIL but he wasn't interested. Her kids eventually went NC and BIL is now happily married to a lovely lady with a pile of GC and step GC keeping them young.

MuckFusk · 13/03/2025 02:33

Ladies, the inevitable pick-me posts have landed in the thread, complete with the usual wild exaggerations (about how mean the wimmenz here are to poor, oppressed males) and smug sense of superiority because they are different. They gladly please their men, anytime, anywhere, no matter what a selfish, lazy, feckless lugnut he is. That makes them better than those who unreasonably, cruelly need to be treated with respect in order to desire sex. 🤢

MuckFusk · 13/03/2025 02:45

pikkumyy77 · 12/03/2025 12:34

This is a support site for women and the vast majority of requests first help and support are frim wimen. So we generally have the situation from the woman’s perspective. Someone complained upthread that posters often comolain that their dh is a sex pest. And later some posters complain that they are in a sexless marriage.

Sometimes the response is different—that is sometimes the poster is advised to leave the marriage and sometimes she is not.

That isn’t a sign if a double standard at all. Its a sign that we have

more information about the relationship frim the woman’s perspective.
that sexual relations between men and women can be extremely coercive and dangerous to the woman.
that sexlessness and rejection are also painful and sometimes part of extended narcissistic abuse
that the costs of leaving a marriage with children can be higher for the woman.
that the higher earning partner with few childcare responsibilities always has the option of leaving or checking out which they may excercise freely at any time. Generally speaking that is the male partner.

The advice given is not and should not be identical or isomorphic. I don’t think pisters are unfair to the men in these stories at all. I have frequently seen husband’s supported to leave an unloving marriage. Not just over lack of sex but over a lack of love from a female partner. No one should stay in sn abusive or unloving relationship. Its the abandonment of the financial and family side of things that is the most devastating. The husband who walks out, forces the sale of the family home, and never sees or pays for his kids. Women hardly ever report doing that snd, statistically, seldom do.

Exactly.
Most of the posters here are women, so the people moaning about double standards have not seen a lot of threads with men in those situations. They haven't seen an equal number of threads started by men, which means they have no solid basis on which to judge. They also tend to disregard the way the women say they are treated by their spouses both in and outside the bedroom, as if that had no bearing on their sex lives.

The motive is really just the usual just pick-me goadiness. They get off on believing they are better than other women.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 13/03/2025 05:45

The "cool girl/handmaiden/pick-me" brigade are just as ridiculous as the NAMALT'ers and any other group on here.

Some women have the temerity to hold a different view or opinion to the approved MN consensus, and for some reason that seems to drive some posters absolutely potty.

The accusation "they believe they are better" is staggeringly lacking in self-awareness, since every single time a user starts pontificating about "cool girls" it's invariably to shout the supposed "cool girls" down, tell them off, lecture them about womaning incorrectly, and hector them in a utterly condescending tone.

TheSassyTraybake · 13/03/2025 07:12

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 13/03/2025 05:45

The "cool girl/handmaiden/pick-me" brigade are just as ridiculous as the NAMALT'ers and any other group on here.

Some women have the temerity to hold a different view or opinion to the approved MN consensus, and for some reason that seems to drive some posters absolutely potty.

The accusation "they believe they are better" is staggeringly lacking in self-awareness, since every single time a user starts pontificating about "cool girls" it's invariably to shout the supposed "cool girls" down, tell them off, lecture them about womaning incorrectly, and hector them in a utterly condescending tone.

I agree, mumsnet is very much mob rule. And very harsh on anyone who doesn’t agree with the mob’s opinion.

Jeevesnotwooster · 13/03/2025 08:08

Am currently going through separation with partner of 22 years. 2 teenage kids. Ex saying he doesn't want any contact - although he has at least agreed to now pay maintenance - having said before he would pay anything. Perhaps that's because he needs co-operation from me.

It's incredibly sad. The kids are so easy and great company and love their father. I'm hoping it's temporary but who knows.

Original poster

Menreallysucksometimes · 13/03/2025 08:20

Jeevesnotwooster · 13/03/2025 08:08

Am currently going through separation with partner of 22 years. 2 teenage kids. Ex saying he doesn't want any contact - although he has at least agreed to now pay maintenance - having said before he would pay anything. Perhaps that's because he needs co-operation from me.

It's incredibly sad. The kids are so easy and great company and love their father. I'm hoping it's temporary but who knows.

That’s horrific, why on earth does he not want any contact with his children, who I’m assuming he’s lived with for many years?

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TheFormidableMrsC · 13/03/2025 08:22

My ex husband did this. Had an affair with a much older OW and buggered off. Our son was 2. OW didn’t want our son in the picture at all and was vile to him. Long story short, they moved 700 miles away and he‘s not been seen since. Disgusting excuse of a man.

Jeevesnotwooster · 13/03/2025 08:23

@Menreallysucksometimes I think he's depressed and can't handle the separation although he walked out. Feelings are too big so easier to just shut down.

Original poster

Menreallysucksometimes · 13/03/2025 08:34

Jeevesnotwooster · 13/03/2025 08:23

@Menreallysucksometimes I think he's depressed and can't handle the separation although he walked out. Feelings are too big so easier to just shut down.

I’m so sorry, that must be devastating for you and your children. I can’t imagine how they must feel, having had their Dad all their lives and now he suddenly doesn’t want to see them. How heartbreaking for you and them.

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Original poster

Menreallysucksometimes · 13/03/2025 08:36

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/03/2025 08:22

My ex husband did this. Had an affair with a much older OW and buggered off. Our son was 2. OW didn’t want our son in the picture at all and was vile to him. Long story short, they moved 700 miles away and he‘s not been seen since. Disgusting excuse of a man.

I’m so sorry, your poor son. Must be very hard for you too.

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Jeevesnotwooster · 13/03/2025 08:37

Menreallysucksometimes · 13/03/2025 08:34

I’m so sorry, that must be devastating for you and your children. I can’t imagine how they must feel, having had their Dad all their lives and now he suddenly doesn’t want to see them. How heartbreaking for you and them.

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Thank you. Yes, devastating is the word.... now crying while I type this. I hope he'll come round. Everyone who has seen him with the kids is really shocked when I tell them.

Original poster

Menreallysucksometimes · 13/03/2025 08:45

Jeevesnotwooster · 13/03/2025 08:37

Thank you. Yes, devastating is the word.... now crying while I type this. I hope he'll come round. Everyone who has seen him with the kids is really shocked when I tell them.

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I’m so sorry, they are lucky to have such a lovely Mum who obviously cares about them so deeply. I could maybe understand it if you instigated the split due to his anger at splitting (not that it would be right, still totally horrific and wrong but I could see his twisted logic that he’d maybe think he was punishing you) but as he was the one who instigated the split and walked away he can’t even blame you for splitting up the family.

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Jeevesnotwooster · 13/03/2025 10:35

Thanks @Menreallysucksometimes . I'm not sure he's thinking logically at all. Hopefully some of his friends will be able to persuade him to have a relationship with the kids. It's all very early days yet.

WateryBottle · 13/03/2025 10:56

Almostwelsh · 12/03/2025 12:03

I take a dim view of either sex who leaves a marriage with small children unless there are very serious issues - more serious than "he/she has annoying habits and life is a grind and I've started to look at other people sexually."

Life is a grind sometimes, especially with small children. You need to wait it out and hope to reconnect later. And not go chasing other men / women.

Yeah. I have small children, and my husband had an affair and ended the marriage. He does still see the children though doesn’t want 50/50 because he’s too busy for that.

While I don’t say everyone should have to stay married forever even if they’re unhappy, there is an obligation to talk about it with your spouse and try to make it work before deciding to end it. If my husband was unhappy, he never mentioned it. Even now he cannot claim I ever mistreated or was unsupportive of him. He just had his head turned and decided I wasn’t good enough anymore and left. It’s really upsetting to read the whole “well men who are happy don’t have affairs” style posts, like somehow it’s fair enough that I got cast aside like a piece of shit on his shoe with barely a second thought.

GreenwayHouse · 13/03/2025 11:03

WateryBottle · 13/03/2025 10:56

Yeah. I have small children, and my husband had an affair and ended the marriage. He does still see the children though doesn’t want 50/50 because he’s too busy for that.

While I don’t say everyone should have to stay married forever even if they’re unhappy, there is an obligation to talk about it with your spouse and try to make it work before deciding to end it. If my husband was unhappy, he never mentioned it. Even now he cannot claim I ever mistreated or was unsupportive of him. He just had his head turned and decided I wasn’t good enough anymore and left. It’s really upsetting to read the whole “well men who are happy don’t have affairs” style posts, like somehow it’s fair enough that I got cast aside like a piece of shit on his shoe with barely a second thought.

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I’m sorry to read this, @WateryBottle
And yes, I absolutely agree on at least making an effort to make it work before walking away. My exDP made no effort whatsoever while I spent months trying to get him to open up to me about why he’s depressed. And of course it’s all my fault now…yet he wouldn’t talk to me at all and has been incredibly selfish.

LondonLady15 · 13/03/2025 11:21

I left my ex husband in my 40’s - didn’t run off with a toy boy I just grew up and he sadly didn’t. I knew I deserved better and would rather have been alone than lonely in my marriage any longer.

My lovely partner left his wife in his 50’s after his Dc had left home and bought her own place. He was living as flatmates with his wife for 15 years prior and it was a very amicable split.

so I guess age wise we both fit into the mid life range - but honestly everyone’s circumstances are different and not everyone is a cliche

Original poster

Menreallysucksometimes · 13/03/2025 11:56

WateryBottle · 13/03/2025 10:56

Yeah. I have small children, and my husband had an affair and ended the marriage. He does still see the children though doesn’t want 50/50 because he’s too busy for that.

While I don’t say everyone should have to stay married forever even if they’re unhappy, there is an obligation to talk about it with your spouse and try to make it work before deciding to end it. If my husband was unhappy, he never mentioned it. Even now he cannot claim I ever mistreated or was unsupportive of him. He just had his head turned and decided I wasn’t good enough anymore and left. It’s really upsetting to read the whole “well men who are happy don’t have affairs” style posts, like somehow it’s fair enough that I got cast aside like a piece of shit on his shoe with barely a second thought.

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I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Affairs are never justified and it’s shit for the person who is cast aside. If he wasn’t happy he should have been adult enough to say something and try and work on it or end the marriage before having an affair.

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MuckFusk · 13/03/2025 17:26

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 13/03/2025 05:45

The "cool girl/handmaiden/pick-me" brigade are just as ridiculous as the NAMALT'ers and any other group on here.

Some women have the temerity to hold a different view or opinion to the approved MN consensus, and for some reason that seems to drive some posters absolutely potty.

The accusation "they believe they are better" is staggeringly lacking in self-awareness, since every single time a user starts pontificating about "cool girls" it's invariably to shout the supposed "cool girls" down, tell them off, lecture them about womaning incorrectly, and hector them in a utterly condescending tone.

It's not about a different opinion. It's about an unreasonable one that is unsupported by any evidence. Those kind of posts are the province of goady people who are trying to start some shit. Then they played shocked and chagrined when people point out what they are doing and claim they are being "shut down." Nope. No sale on the faux victimization. If you're free to say it, others are free to say it's bullshit. That's completely fair and violates nobody's autonomy. You have agency. If you have an actual argument that it's not goady bullshit and that there really is a double standard in operation instead of just a victimization complaint, have at it.

I have never lectured anyone on "womaning correctly" in my life, wouldn't even know how and it sounds really gross. I do call out trollish nonsense of all kinds and this particular type is highly prevalent on MN. I'm sick of seeing it and am free to express that. Since it appears you were directing that post at me, you missed by many miles. Or were you talking about somebody else?