The amount of men who have a midlife crisis and abandon their families is depressing

[Menreallysucksometimes]

Is anyone else thoroughly depressed with amount of men who seem to be having a midlife crisis and are prepared to leave their partners and families and just walk away?

Do many of them coming crawling back?

I don't know many now but when my friends and I were in our forties there were several men we knew who suddenly said "I can't do family life", wailed and moaned and off they went, leaving their wives to bring up their children and do the really hard bits of parenting alone.

Of 2 in Particular, one had kids who were 7, 6 and 1 and the other had kids who were 10 and 8. Yep, it's a hard stage of parenting but no, you shouldn't walk out. The women don't seem to do they? Or only rarely.

It IS hard, bringing up small children and it is hard, staying connected with your husband or wife in that time but I think it's worth doing because the kids leave in the end and your spouse is who you're left with.

Both the men above subsequently shagged several younger women and both, 20 years later, are alone and are pretty sad figures. Neither has much going for them financially, career wise or looks wise. Their wives are doing much better but are both deliberately alone.

I remember when I turned 30 it felt like every everyone I knew was getting married. Almost like it was just time. You graduated university, moved in with your uni boyfriend/girlfriend and when you were approaching 30 it was time to get married. Not so much this is the person I want to be with more of a well it’s time and that’s what everyone else is doing.

I think parents and grandparents put pressure on as well - it would be lovely for granny to have a wedding to go to etc.

If people get married because it’s the thing to do it’s hardly surprising it doesn’t work out.

We watched this happen to friends.
He had no hope of a sexual relationship. Medical issues.
He had a wife who loved him and 2 children a 100k job...
She was working but knew could be let go any day. Was 40 and wanted children.
He was was 8 years older.
He left wife in Nov.
Engaged in Dec.
Rented in Jan, with her.
She lost her job, 1st Feb.
He lost his job 28th Feb.
Both on UC, never worked again...
The wife got promoted. 50k rise.

If you have to choose a wife whom you outearn, or whose career is flagging, in order to feel ‘needed’, then I’d suggest you had serious self-esteem issues.

Well maybe.
But that’s on them.

The fact they know they can just divorce and be an EOW dad, aka very little input, just vaguely helping, probably helps them feel like they can say Yes when they don’t really want to. The risk is low. Theyre not going to end with with 2 young children full time with them right?

I take a dim view of either sex who leaves a marriage with small children unless there are very serious issues - more serious than "he/she has annoying habits and life is a grind and I've started to look at other people sexually."

Life is a grind sometimes, especially with small children. You need to wait it out and hope to reconnect later. And not go chasing other men / women.

I find the age of the children tens to predict when it happens - so when they start primary school or leave for uni

It is reductive to see things that way. You could be with someone who treats who like a god but if the relationship doesn’t work for you it doesn’t work for you.

All the effort in the world won’t make you love someone the way that is needed to spend a life and a future together. It doesn’t mean the other person is awful. They could be beautiful, kind and charming but if that doesn’t work for you it doesn’t work.

I really don’t know why people want to keep someone who doesn’t love them. You will potentially grow to resent them and maybe fall for someone else.

I don't think it's the act of leaving his wife that some spectators find so difficult to accept. It is the lack of concern with which some men walk away from their own small children, that many women find hard to stomach.

I agree. I don’t know any middle aged men who have left their families, but I do know several who are desperately unhappy but still stay.

They lack intimacy and sex, have been working non-stop for 30+ years, as a result are not the default carer for kids so can be slightly marginalised when at home and lack deep make friendships. Their wives don’t even like them any more and they don’t have anything to look forward to.

Are you suggesting double standards? On mumsnet??? How very dare you!

This is a support site for women and the vast majority of requests first help and support are frim wimen. So we generally have the situation from the woman’s perspective. Someone complained upthread that posters often comolain that their dh is a sex pest. And later some posters complain that they are in a sexless marriage.

Sometimes the response is different—that is sometimes the poster is advised to leave the marriage and sometimes she is not.

That isn’t a sign if a double standard at all. Its a sign that we have

1. more information about the relationship frim the woman’s perspective.

2. that sexual relations between men and women can be extremely coercive and dangerous to the woman.

3. that sexlessness and rejection are also painful and sometimes part of extended narcissistic abuse

4. that the costs of leaving a marriage with children can be higher for the woman.

5. that the higher earning partner with few childcare responsibilities always has the option of leaving or checking out which they may excercise freely at any time. Generally speaking that is the male partner.

The advice given is not and should not be identical or isomorphic. I don’t think pisters are unfair to the men in these stories at all. I have frequently seen husband’s supported to leave an unloving marriage. Not just over lack of sex but over a lack of love from a female partner. No one should stay in sn abusive or unloving relationship. Its the abandonment of the financial and family side of things that is the most devastating. The husband who walks out, forces the sale of the family home, and never sees or pays for his kids. Women hardly ever report doing that snd, statistically, seldom do.

I'm a 46 yo woman who could never understand why others want children.
Married for 20 years, not a single problem in practical life.
However, I moved over here about 25 years ago, mainly to escape emotionally abusive, narcissistic parents.
One is still alive and I cannot wait for my circumstances to change back in my country, so I could just walk and set myself up on my own.
Like many men, marriage or children were never that important to me, meaning life is good without these things.
Furthermore, you have your own problems in life, by living with someone else you become enmeshed with theirs as well. Plus all the "compromises" feel your life and setup are never your own only.
There is no point to that.
🙂

No, there isn’t, but then you didn’t compromise your own principles and go along with a lifelong commitment you didn’t really want to make, then decide it was unfulfilling and then walk out on your children. I have nothing but respect for someone who decides they’re not interest in having a child, but once you’ve had one, you do then need to commit on a lifelong basis. Childfree relationships can obviously involve more flexibility.

I think mumsnet is massively biased towards women. Which is fine. As you say it’s a site primarily for women. But let’s just admit that rather than try and pretend otherwise.

Yep. My dad. I had a lovely step mum who put up with alot from him! In the end he left for a younger woman, an affair, the whole cliché.

When that ( obviously ) didn't work out, he spent a few weeks living out his car and is now with a much older woman who's husband died so she has money.

I don't think he's happy but serves him right. I haven't spoken to him in a long time.

I know of three women whose marriages have ended but I am unsure if in all cases if the man instigated it or not. I do feel though it is likely. But I know that all the men have moved onto new partners but none of the women (probably because they are too busy looking after the kids and the dads are doing the typical Disney dad scenario).

Interesting post @pikkumyy77 .

Often, the woman sacrifices her career and earning power and so when the husband is bored / wants someone younger / is finding bringing up kids a bit hard (let's face it, it is but women seldom walk out as a result) he's the one who holds the purse strings and the power and so he can move out more easily.

This is one of the reasons I've never, ever been financially dependent on a man.

I don t want him back.

Strictly speaking I left him but that was because he hit our daughter which I felt was unacceptable. He disagreed and spent two years trying to persuade me otherwise

He's now got a new wife and new family in what was our home.

Fucker.

But society is massively biased towards men so why shouldn’t women have a safe space to explore an alternative agenda and experience? To the highly privileged any movement that elevates the experience or views of the subordinate class is always going to seem threatening. Because privilege and the prerogative of having your needs met and your interests protected can only be diminished if everyone shares them.

Take male vs female requests for intimacy within a marriage? Women routinely complain about ill adjusted sex drives and situational sex droughts—for example not having the same drive while post partum and child rearing. This n addition (with the hidden context that monogamy is assumed for married women) they sometimes complain that their husbands (the only legitimate source of attention snd intimacy) no longer want sex at all or will not offer intimacy without specific sex acts being demanded or otherwise debases snd abuses them. In those cases mumsnet typically suggests ending the marriage to look for a more compatible partner. That’s not because female sexual needs are seen as primary or legitimate demands compared to male needs. If the situation were reversed the man would also be told he and his partner were incompatible and should separate.

But female experience of monogamy, eirk, domesticity and childrearing is always going to put them at a unique disadvantage vis a vis men in this still extremely biased and oppressive society.

I think when they're leaving a long term relationship with children at that stage people have often only stayed together until the children are older for their sake.
I know more women who have left men personally, I think women will leave if they're not actively happy whereas men often only leave if the relationship is really bad or they have another woman lined up.

In my brothers case it was his wife had the midlife crisis, found a new bloke to go clubbing and to Ibiza together. He came home from a weekend visiting our parents to find locks changed and new man in.

however 20 years later and he’s just discovered she’s told their kids, mutual friends etc that was him had the affair and abandoned his kids- he didn’t, he saw them as much as he could considering he was homeless and sofa surfing for a couple of years before he got back on his feet mentally and financially.

so don’t believe all you hear. People lie.

True, a lot of guys like that exist. On the flip side I’ve seen many women leave their husbands because they’re financially secure, which may not have happened in the ‘old days’ and think ‘I don’t need a man now’ which is pretty depressing for the guy. Seen this happen loads; women moaning about what seems a decent husband, but the reality is he’s served his purpose so off he goes to the bin. This seems to be happen quite a bit.

That’s equally depressing.

It is, and absolutely I agree with the OP that there are lots of men who go for stupid reasons. Just speaking from experience for balance.

And one thing I have noticed with those women I mentioned, they always have a single mother themselves who seems quite bitter about life/men.

All anecdotal and just my experience; but makes you think.