The amount of men who have a midlife crisis and abandon their families is depressing

[Menreallysucksometimes]

Is anyone else thoroughly depressed with amount of men who seem to be having a midlife crisis and are prepared to leave their partners and families and just walk away?

Do many of them coming crawling back?

My exDP and I don’t have kids but he just walked away without even trying. We have older parents to care for - me in particular. He has admitted that he has trouble articulating how he’s feeling. I think a lot of couples have rough patches and many work it through but some men don’t even try (like mine). He did the same to his ex wife too.

Since I’ve posted I’ve thought of two other men who left their wives in mid life for things that could have been sorted out if they’d have communicated better. They both admit that now.

I’m so sorry, it’s incredibly hard when someone walks away when you still love them and care. No one should stay if they are unhappy, however I think it’s kinder to try and resolve things first. ❤️

Setting aside all the actual midlife crises:

Lots of people have married either their first or second serious relationship, normally one that they got into in their later teens/early twenties. With respect to everyone, there's a lot of people out there in 'good' relationships that have actual massive, glaring issues in them, but they are 'good' by societies incredible underwhelming standards. And if you manage to meet someone great at 19, marry them at 25 and stay together happily in a marriage of equals and communication and laughter, brilliant, im genuinely pleased for you. But a lot of people grow apart - and because we teach people they need a 'reason' to leave, people aren't leaving relationships that are mostly good but where there are issues that aren't getting resolved, because those reasons aren't 'enough'. They end up having kids, the biggest test to a relationship, and there simply doesn't end up being enough bandwidth to fix, and these things get worse.
Also it's often 'men who have the midlife crisis' but i guarantee you that women would leave at the same rates if it wasn't for the fact a lot of women are trapped financially as a result of having children, and/or are the primary carer, so the physical logistics of leaving, setting up a new home, potentially new childcare routine etc... are enormous, compared to someone who isn't the primary carer who just has to rent a flat and hand over maintenance and then pick the kids up when it's their 'turn' (which given that work schedules and childcare are already in place, is normally in 'free' time)

How of you become aware of them? You seem to be saying that some sort of mental health issue is the reason men leave women. That’s a bit gaslighty. To claim someone must not be in the right mind to leave you.

It is really hard to admit that the person you have chosen to spend your life is wrong for you. Or that the way you are living your life makes you unhappy. It is even harder to tell that person. Which is why people often revert to it’s not you it is me. No one does it for shits and giggles.

With the exception of a rare few people, all the relationships that I see break up are due to lack of compatibility. It enough that this is felt by one party and not the other. The differences maybe weren’t there at the start although sometimes they were. Time, events and situations change people and reveal people.

It is not uncommon for one person to not see what is wrong when others do including the partner. It’s really hard and inappropriate to tell someone that when they are hurting. Hence all this mid life crisis stuff. Which is another version of the it’s not you it’s him.

People are allowed to end things. They can even do it badly. But no one should be compelled to stay with someone when they don’t want to be with them. It’s completely pointless anyway.

I don’t prescribe to the school of calling someone a bastard or bitch for leaving or saying it’s a crisis. I don’t see how it helps. It can cause a lot of drama and sometimes violence.

I wouldn’t go as far as saying this is something exclusive to men. Every couple is its own universe, and many factors come into play when one partner decides to walk away.
In many cases, it’s the wife who, without even realising it, does everything in her power to make her partner’s life miserable. It’s only natural that the man ends up leaving!

Yep, mine did this. He thought he could come crawling back even though he was living with the OW by then. No chance!

I guess that's a symptom of the shift to having children later, you're still going to have the same fears that life is short at the same age.

Personally I think it probably is best to stay "for the children" regardless of how miserable you are (except abuse). I think children are always better off witbit both parents at home, rather than feeling pulled between the two, but that generally seems to be a very unpopular opinon, so on that basis it's still right to leave.

I'm afraid I think when you get to a point where a relationship needs a lot of "trying" you're probably flogging a dead horse.

I mean you can call it a midlife crisis if it makes you feel better but ultimately people end relationships because they're not happy/no longer in love.
No-one should stay in an unhappy relationship and we're all entitled to end one that isn't working for us.

Thank you @Menreallysucksometimes
It's been really hard. I can see mine is depressed because of various health issues but he's blamed me for all of his unhappiness. Things weren't perfect but there was nothing that couldn't have been sorted out with some decent communication between us. He wouldn't try at all though and I think that's part of the depression. He has been very selfish towards me as well - another sign of depression or just him, I don't really know. I was ill myself last year and caring for a sick parent and that's when he decided he wasn't happy.

Totally agree with this 👌

I left my husband after 34 years together. Married nearly 30. Mine wasn't a mid life crisis. Mine was wanting something different, different doesn't mean another partner either.

At the age of 54, I didn't want to continue my unhappiness to my end.

@Jas683 Presumably you tried everything though? I know women who have left their husbands but they'd tried everything to make it work, as I would have done with my exDP. I know men who haven't tried at all though. They just give up.

This!!!!

The double standards on here are unreal 😂

I honestly had no idea how much contempt women have for men, until I started on MN. Although I appreciate this forum isn’t representative of society as a whole, it still blows my mind.

Okay MRA.

@MyUmberSeal whereas men are invariably lovely and respectful to women. And of course, all those women killing men dwarfs the numbers the other way around. Oh wait...

My ex buggered off to join a BDSM group thinking he was going for a new exciting life. Then he found out they were just a bunch of narcs who didn't give a shit about him.
Of course he wanted to come back but I said absolutely not. So off he went back to his crappy bedsit whilst I sat out covid in my lovely home which he didn't get in the divorce.
Tosser.

In the financial world I have seen a lot of men have a wonderful married but child free life until their late 40s and then get divorced only to meet with a younger woman and start a family with her.

The first wife is then left with good finances but the fertility window has been and gone.

I have to agree with a lot of posters on here mostly on MN if a woman wants to leave good for her she is told life is to short and how there partner gives them the ick no sex life bla bla bla.
But if a man wants to leave even for the same reasons its wrong how dare he do it hes scum.
Some netters want to look in the mirror and point that finger at yourselfs.

Yep I have a (ex) friend who was the maker of her own destiny.

She was absolutely awful to her (lovely) husband, used to complain about the hours he worked, the amount of time he spent working on the house, all of which was for her and the kids benefit so she could be a SAHM and he wanted them to have a nice house and holidays etc.

She would tear him down in front of people (to the point where my DH had to pull her to one side at a party and put her in her place as she was being really nasty) and no matter what he did wasn't good enough for her.

Needless to say he eventually left her and she was straight on the phone to everyone in tears saying she couldn't believe it and how dare he leave her when they have small children.

No doubt on MN she would have spun the story to suit her own agenda and have everyone feel sorry her telling her to leave him.

Some men give up trying because they can never get it right no matter what they do.

By MN standards this statement qualifies you as either a handmaiden and/or an internal misogynist (assuming you are female)

As it goes, I totally agree with you.

Or is it that they like to be needed?

The bar on my expectation barometer was very achievable, be nice. Not too much to ask.

It's absolutely insane.

The worst is when someone starts a thread about their husband wanting to have sex with them and everyone is in absolute outrage. How dare they have normal and natural needs and feelings towards the woman they married!!!! They should go for a wank and thank themselves lucky that they have a wife who cleans their clothes and makes dinner in the evenings. How dare they expect sex too. Disgraceful.

You'd be accused of "othering" if you made a sweeping statement like that about any other group...