Never the right time

[SelfBear]

My H shows me very little love. The last time we had sex was the worst sexual experiences of my life. He also pays very little money towards anything and I sort and pay for everything (from the car tax to school shoes). I'm only here because of the kids and money

But I do know I can't live like this forever

But how do you find the time? I know that sounds silly. But I've got a new very busy job, my kids birthdays are coming up, there is a holiday booked, I'm meant to be going away for a 40th birthday in a month, one kid is starting school in Sep.

My H is unpredictable. But if I know him at all I know at some point he is going to behave very destructively. His mental health isn't the best and he can behave quite strangely when under pressure (disappearing, shouting out randomly, lying in bed for days). He does not love me, in fact he often acts like he dislikes me but he will not want this. He is very used to be looked after and me solving everything. An example recently we had a small leak in the bathroom - he storms around saying "how annoying and expensive and why is the fucking house falling apart" etc - and then the next day I find a plumber, book, pay and it's sorted. This happens with every little thing. I honestly can't imagine him living independently and sorting bills etc. He's hugely immature and really before me - he was living like a student.

I want to do it but I can't put my life on pause. But I feel in order to protect the kids I need to plan for him to disappear or worse do something crazy. I can't tell my new work. And I don't want to ruin kids birthdays. I said i would wait after Christmas and now we are in February and no progress. I can't bear for 2025 to be like 2024.

I can't imagine telling him. I can't imagine how chaotic things could get. I need to protect my kids and my job from that chaos somehow.

I don't know what I'm asking. Advice. A kick up the arse. I am stuck. Pls help!

SelfBear, that's no way to live. He must have you all walking on eggshells. Maybe start by quietly researching the family finances and talking to or emailing Women's Aid - he's emotionally abusive at the very least
You sound extremely capable. You may be eligible for UC. It's a godsend for escaping bad situations. Try entitled.com for benefits advice. Cover your tracks with the Internet use - new passwords etc Knowledge is power. If he does kick off aggressively, he's played into your hands because you can call the police and potentially have him removed from the family home, but you must keep yourself safe. Only you know him. Leaving is a dangerous time. He enjoys controlling you. Good luck. You have every right to live a peaceful life

I mean this as encouragement, not as criticism, but it sounds as though they're already exposed to a fair bit of chaos anyway - an unpredictable, volatile parent who's prone to disappearing or spending days in bed is not good for them, either. Surely it's better to leave, endure the short-term paddy he'll throw about it, and then have a safe, calm, predictable home for them to grow up in?

Ultimately it WILL be a pain in the arse in the short term - it's upheaval for the children, you will have to readjust finances, etc etc. There's no getting round that. But the alternative is that you start 2026 with the exact same situation - 'the only way out is through' is unfair but true!

Do you think he would try for 50/50 custody?

I can only say from my experience- putting it off for ages because it was never the right time and then actually it was easier than I thought and I wished I’d done it years earlier. If you know, you know. There will never be a perfect time- Christmas then birthdays then your LO starting school and then it will be Christmas again.

Do you have any savings? Do you think he might be violent?

Thank you @Shouldbedoing I know. It's no way to live. But it could get so bad. There is something unpredictable as I say about him and it's paralysing to pull the plug and not know what might happen. I earn too much for UC. I can afford life costs (just about) but will lose money of course in the split.

@housemaus it will be a pain in the arse. I just feel terrified for how long...how long can he stretch it out? The kids are young so lots of years ahead. He's v adoring to the kids and think will want 5050. But having said that when stuff gets hard - I'm always surprised by how unbothered he is by them. An example being he was mad at me and ended up storming out the house and taking our only working car when he knew DC had a performance at school. And couldn't have given a shit that DC missed somethung hed practiced for. Or he shouts in front of them. His anger is more important than them. But his self image of himself is dad of the Year. And when he's happy - he's v loving. But if he's unhappy - he's unbelievably selfish.

@TwoCatsandaHeart it's so strange. I wish I had it done it during covid. I wish I had done it last year. I know in 2 years time I'll look back and wish I'd done it now. Why can't I just do it?? He's so dependent or at least pretends he is. He does work and seems more than capable of managing that but at home he's acts incapable. And v emotional. I smooth everything over.

He sounds horrid, you have my sympathies - the not knowing what he would be like is terrifying. Ultimately though, you can't shield them from his failures as a parent entirely - if he would make them miss their performance because of a strop while you're together, he would do it if you were not. The only difference is that they would have somewhere away from him to come back to and get away from that (and, although this isn't the key issue right now, is important as they grow up, that they don't see that kind of relationship modelled for them in future and think how he behaves towards you or them is okay!).

At least it sounds as though they wouldn't be unsafe with him, physically if not emotionally? Which is awful, but is still the case already sadly. What a shame he can't put his own outbursts aside for his kids, the dickhead.

He is a dickhead @housemaus even when there is no tension and stuff is "good" - I look at him think "God you are such a dickhead". We have more than drifted apart. We are on different planets. Having sex with him a few weeks ago was like sex with a stranger. And a bad-in-bed stranger at that. All I want is my kids, my work, my friends and a little home to call my own. No man in my life. I daydream about it.

Do I do it at the weekend? Just sit down with him on some random evening?

Yes I think you just have to do it. Only caveat is if you think he’ll be violent- then you get yourself and kids out first. Women’s Aid can be really helpful with advise.

I have not separated from my children’s father , that must be incredibly difficult, however, I’ll give you advice that applies to any really fucking shit situation that you have no choice but to endure;

Just start.

once you start, as sure as night follows day, it will ultimately finish.

I kept telling myself this when I had to have some very serious medical treatment which I knew was going to be awful.

You can do this, just start (which probably means telling him that it’s starting)

I'd do the mumsnet classic of ducks in a row first - have a plan, because it doesn't sound like this is something he's going to be reasonable about. Think about finances, about plans for custody, about where you go if he makes the house unbearable (or where he can go, if you'll be able to keep the house - unsure on the legal aspect, maybe see someone about this first!), about if you can take a couple of days off from work should he lose the plot and you need to move quickly, etc. You'll know better what flavour of horrid he's likely to be. I'd also keep people you trust informed once you've made the decision: somewhere as a place the kids can go at short notice if needed, someone who'll be in your corner.

And then yes, I'd try and get the kids out of the house at a sleepover/grandparents/trusted friend's, let someone know you're about to have the conversation and to check back in within a certain timeframe (again maybe this is unnecessary-sounding, but just in case), and then speak to him and tell him, rather than open a discussion. Tell him your plan - that you've thought about it, you have a plan, that he has no cards to play against you. My fingers are crossed that he doesn't decide to cause havoc for you all - you deseve to live with someone who doesn't make you the emotional punching bag!

It doesn’t matter… just tell him. Everything else will follow. Let the words out of your mouth.

Dear OP, once you decide that this is what you want to do, do not delay. Things can only get worse, and I am telling you from my own experience. I decided to leave my ex just before Covid, but could not work up the courage. Then Covid hit! If I told you all the things that happened then in addition to Covid, you wouldn't believe me. All hell broke loose. It was one thing after the other. In the end I left him at the worst possible moment for him and my whole family, just because I could not take it any more. I was getting physically sick. Could not eat, sleep, my body was failing, I thought I was going to die.

Now, he has a stick to bit me with forever. No matter that he was a lousy husband to me for over two decades and an inadequate father, but I left him when "he was down" and this makes me evil witch, forever and always. 😔

Regardless, we have been separated almost four years and divorced almost three, I never, not once regretted my decision to leave him. I do wish I had done it sooner though.

Good luck OP! Onwards and Upwards!❤️

His health (mental or physical ). Not your problem.
His ability to live independently. Not your problem.

Change your mindset.
Because nothing changes, unless something changes.

Oh it is so hard. Please do have a solid plan when you approach the matter. Use the time to develop a plan to keep notes of how his behavior is impacting the children. The first time I said I wanted a divorce, he convinced me he would change, but then spent the next 12 months spending everything we had. The second time, I saw a lawyer, discussed with Women's Aid and explained to work. I had a solid plan, a structure of support, and executed it down to the minute in order to leave safely. Good Luck

He does work and seems more than capable of managing that but at home he's acts incapable. And v emotional. I smooth everything over.

If he can function in the workplace without taking to his bed and throwing tantrums, he can do it at home too. He’s not dependent on you - he’s choosing to let you do it all and his temper and outbursts are designed to keep you in line, and it’s working. He’s not a good dad, he’s abusive.

Now we’ve cleared that up, what would be your plan in terms of housing - you to stay where you are and him move out or for you and the kids to leave. Sort that first, if the house is in your name you can have him leave but it might be tricky but sort housing. What support do you have from family and friends - someone to be with you when you tell him, someone to look after the kids? Get all the paperwork you need in a safe place, maybe with a friend or family member, or tucked in a drawer at work.

Tell your workplace you’re going through a separation, if they’re a good employer they may have counselling support you can use if you need it.

It’s a tough time, but he’s not dependent on you, he’ll be absolutely fine (though he’ll tell you you’re ruining him), and you’ll be much happier with him out of your life.

• house is in both of our names. I pay the mortgage but I know that means nothing. I could afford to buy him out - not 50% but his pension is a lot bigger than mine (public sector and he's older than me). So I'm hoping if I give him a big chunk of money, and leave his pension alone he would accept. But if he doesn't - we sell the house and split the equity and pensions down the middle I presume. I would much rather stay in home as close to school and school has really good wrap around care. But if we need to move so be it. Living together while selling sounds like hell though.
• I do have a notes record thing of unacceptable behaviour. Things he's said to me in front of kids etc. I don't think any of it is safeguarding to point a famiky court would care though.
• all bills and admin is sorted by me so it's me who has access to everything. He doesn't as he likes me to manage it all

I admit I mothered him when we first met. This charming older man who needed me. Then I became an actual mother and I've got this bloke nearly 10 years older than me throwing tantrums that I'm not doing this or that. And the more I try to talk to him that nastier he gets.

Agree with PP that it sounds like you just have to do it. It's not going to get better or easier. Have you seen a solicitor? Could you afford for him to rent a flat nearby while things get sorted?

It took me a long time to realise what PP have said: his mental health and shit behaviour is not your responsibility. And yes, children know. After a particular episode I completely checked out and said, It's Over. I got the suicide threats but he never went through with it. He's just no longer worth my energy.

So yes, make a start. It could be a small thing like finding out the lay of the land with a solicitor. See how it goes.

I had one like this.

This time last year, I was in your position, absolutely miserable living with a man who expected me to be his mother and acted like a stroppy teenager if things didn't go his way.

In March I was faced with a weekend of him stomping about, being abrasive to the kids and silent treatment because I had the audacity to not want to go to see a specific film at the cinema with him.

I didn't plan it, it was almost a reflex, where I just blurted out to him as he lay in bed that this couldn't go on and I was so unhappy. He asked me if I wanted him to leave and I said yes and he packed his stuff and went.

Don't get me wrong he honestly thought I'd come crawling but when I held strong, I suffered a few weeks of him threatening to do himself in, cut contact with the kids but I just sat there stony faced and kept repeating that's your choice, that's your choice.

The threats soon ended and I'm now almost a year on, almost completed on buying him out of the house and will be filing for divorce next month.

It's bliss most days, just the kids and I in a peaceful, tidy, quiet home.

This could be you next year, you just have to take that first step.

You understandaly are focused on him but you need to shift this focus on to you and DC. You do not need to articulate your thoughts and plans to him. If you tell him this weekend without having a plan you'll just end up pointlessy listening to him telling you you're ruining his and the children's life blah blah and you'll be no further forward. He's an appallingly partner and father and you need to know how you're going to set up a new, happier life in a practical sense. Telling him is not your goal.

I waited for the right moment for years & even got my ducks in a row, said I wanted a divorce & then agreed to marriage counselling & then it took a year before I did it again. The second time I told him I ended up just blurting it at the wrong moment (one thing I do feel bad about). It wasn’t a good time for my work or family but it’s never a good time. I am out now & wish I had done it sooner. My child is much happier & I am recovering slowly from years of control & abuse - mine was also older, wanted mothering & then couldn’t cope with me being an actual mother to a child he had said he wanted. It’s been a hellish year to get here but if I had waited it would have been a hellish year PLUS more abuse/control. The only things I’d recommend from my experience is to tell trusted friends and/or family because their support will really help. Also I found going to the gym really good for my mental health as I went through it - doesn’t have to be the gym but whatever works for you. I also got a good lawyer who helped navigate me through. And I got some emotional support via Women’s Aid. I also kept a list on my phone of things I wanted to do once I was out which really kept me going. Small things like being able to listen to my own music without him criticising. And eating things he didn’t like (he had a very limited diet - more control!). I am enjoying doing those things now but maybe even more important was having the list last year & thinking in x months time I’ll be eating anchovies & listening to The Cure without any snide comments & criticism or actually being stopped doing these (really quite inoffensive!) things. In my experience I felt once I had decided to go, the longer I stayed the less I felt myself. I felt like I was betraying who I was, lying to everyone, couldn’t be myself even with my child. My work suffered & so did my parenting. I think I did myself some damage by not acting sooner.
Wishing you lots of luck & strength.

This is erringly similar to my journey too. I'm 4 years out and I promise you, it's worth it. The anguish you feel staying every day - you know that pain. Change is scary but it can't be worse than this long term can it?

I know you'll be poorer initially but my mantra was, I can always earn more money. And I have. I'm on 10k ish more than what I was on when I bought him out. I left his public sector pension alone as long as the financials were sorted quickly - that was the carrot for him to play nice (mostly!).

I was stuck like you and thought I could endure it, until I couldn’t.

I ended up exploding at members of his family (because of something related to the problems in our marriage). My behaviour was totally wrong and unforgivable.

However it brought things to the fore. I finally said I was unhappy and wanted relationship counselling. He replied “fuck off and get your divorce” so that solved that problem then.

Relationship counselling can be a way to end a marriage as well as save one.

Other than that, solo counselling - again this can help you focus and hopefully bring about action.

Whatever you do, arrange your ducks first before you pull the pin.

Its so easy to get used to living in such misery you forget that life should be for living. I was living with so much resentment and it took up so much space in my head, it wasn’t good for my own mental health.

Perhaps small preparatory steps that don’t affect your current situation make be worth doing. Seeing a solicitor, reading up on divorce (wikivorce), collecting financial stuff, researching marriage counsellors.

I finally pulled the plug, and like most people regret I didn’t do it sooner. It was an abusive marriage and he made the divorce 10 times worse than it should have been. But now I’m out of it, it was worth it.

Im currently in my little rental house, living on my own and the peace and calm is bliss.

My ex was a nightmare when I left, he completely refused the divorce so I moved out with DS and just left.
After 5 years I didn't need his permission I could just divorce him. It depends if you rent or own your home, if you rent just leave. You can sort the divorce out later.
There will be some chaos but the relief after its over will be immense, its well worth it.

Sorry you do have a mortgage, I missed that one. First and easiest thing you can do is see a solicitor. And my advice don't give him one penny more than you need to. He cannot fight the court system.