Never the right time

[SelfBear]

My H shows me very little love. The last time we had sex was the worst sexual experiences of my life. He also pays very little money towards anything and I sort and pay for everything (from the car tax to school shoes). I'm only here because of the kids and money

But I do know I can't live like this forever

But how do you find the time? I know that sounds silly. But I've got a new very busy job, my kids birthdays are coming up, there is a holiday booked, I'm meant to be going away for a 40th birthday in a month, one kid is starting school in Sep.

My H is unpredictable. But if I know him at all I know at some point he is going to behave very destructively. His mental health isn't the best and he can behave quite strangely when under pressure (disappearing, shouting out randomly, lying in bed for days). He does not love me, in fact he often acts like he dislikes me but he will not want this. He is very used to be looked after and me solving everything. An example recently we had a small leak in the bathroom - he storms around saying "how annoying and expensive and why is the fucking house falling apart" etc - and then the next day I find a plumber, book, pay and it's sorted. This happens with every little thing. I honestly can't imagine him living independently and sorting bills etc. He's hugely immature and really before me - he was living like a student.

I want to do it but I can't put my life on pause. But I feel in order to protect the kids I need to plan for him to disappear or worse do something crazy. I can't tell my new work. And I don't want to ruin kids birthdays. I said i would wait after Christmas and now we are in February and no progress. I can't bear for 2025 to be like 2024.

I can't imagine telling him. I can't imagine how chaotic things could get. I need to protect my kids and my job from that chaos somehow.

I don't know what I'm asking. Advice. A kick up the arse. I am stuck. Pls help!

OP, I am not at all saying you should stay in your marriage. However sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don't (like spending your first Christmas without kids because they are at dad's).

You have written at length about how intolerable your life is. However not a single word on what you have tried to improve the relationship and make it work?

Also, be mindful that the standard advice on Mumsnet is to get rid of the bustard. As it would solve all the problems

Had the D talk in counselling today. I did it as kindly as I could but he is, predictably, raging at me and calling me all manner of things. Just makes me more certain it’s the right course of action. I’m a mixture of feelings but no regret yet despite knowing he’s going to be horrid to me. It will pass.

Well done. He’s simply demonstrating exactly why you need to divorce him. He’s not sad, he’s not devastated, it’s not going to ruin his life - he’s just very very angry you’re not going to continue to service his life.

Edited to add missing word.

The best time to leave was yesterday, but the next best time is now. Good luck x

Sending love to you OP, and all the women on this thread struggling with these useless, deeply unpleasant men.

OP, you keep castigating yourself as weak. You are not. Your husband is weak and manipulative- currently living off your strength like a parasite. You are the strong one - earning the good living, working full time, while doing all the parenting, while doing all the housework, while going through so much emotionally and NOT passing your difficult feelings on through abusing others. You are the strong one.

what you also are is compassionate and kind and empathetic, with instincts to care for others - even adult men. What you are is self reflective and always willing to try to be flexible and learn and grow, even when you are not the one at fault. So many women are, and while these are also strengths and qualities, they are unfortunately deadly gaps in our armour that make us victims of exploitation. Abusive men can weaponize these qualities against us. These qualities are many of the reasons why we stay in bad relationships with bad men for so long.

you are very wise to think about your and the kids safety, and how to get away from his volatility in a safe way. But you do not need to justify anything to him, or have him agree with what you do, or have him happy, have him able to cope, or prove that you have given him all the chances you could. You don’t owe him anything. Don’t let him continue to weaponize your caring nature against you.

and remember, you are not the weak one. Hugs!