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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Never the right time

80 replies

SelfBear · 12/02/2025 21:25

My H shows me very little love. The last time we had sex was the worst sexual experiences of my life. He also pays very little money towards anything and I sort and pay for everything (from the car tax to school shoes). I'm only here because of the kids and money

But I do know I can't live like this forever

But how do you find the time? I know that sounds silly. But I've got a new very busy job, my kids birthdays are coming up, there is a holiday booked, I'm meant to be going away for a 40th birthday in a month, one kid is starting school in Sep.

My H is unpredictable. But if I know him at all I know at some point he is going to behave very destructively. His mental health isn't the best and he can behave quite strangely when under pressure (disappearing, shouting out randomly, lying in bed for days). He does not love me, in fact he often acts like he dislikes me but he will not want this. He is very used to be looked after and me solving everything. An example recently we had a small leak in the bathroom - he storms around saying "how annoying and expensive and why is the fucking house falling apart" etc - and then the next day I find a plumber, book, pay and it's sorted. This happens with every little thing. I honestly can't imagine him living independently and sorting bills etc. He's hugely immature and really before me - he was living like a student.

I want to do it but I can't put my life on pause. But I feel in order to protect the kids I need to plan for him to disappear or worse do something crazy. I can't tell my new work. And I don't want to ruin kids birthdays. I said i would wait after Christmas and now we are in February and no progress. I can't bear for 2025 to be like 2024.

I can't imagine telling him. I can't imagine how chaotic things could get. I need to protect my kids and my job from that chaos somehow.

I don't know what I'm asking. Advice. A kick up the arse. I am stuck. Pls help!

OP posts:
Original poster
SelfBear · 13/02/2025 17:06

thanks everyone. and those stories of people who have done it and now out the other end. that's what i daydream about. I know i have to get it done to get that feeling of freedom. it doesn't come easy.

had a really good day today at work. you know when you feel you're on top of things (for once!) and then he has just come home - and honestly, what the fuck. he ruins my mood every single day. He makes these groans constantly. Sighing. Mumbling to himself. He barely acknolwedges me. He is so unhappy. And pissed off with everything all the time. And i don't know why. I do bloody everything and yet he acts like the world is on his shoulders all the time.

The most exhausting thing is I just have to play along.I have to be nice to him and ask 'what's wrong love?' or whatever.

I could afford to rent a flat with the kids, but i can't afford to pay rent AND the mortgage. If I leave to live in a flat, he will dig his heels in and live in our family home paid for by me with no motivation to go anywhere?

OP posts:
TwoCatsandaHeart · 13/02/2025 17:11

I don’t think you and the kids should move into a flat. Better to ask him to move into a flat. Could you afford (between you) to rent a one bed and pay the mortgage while you decide what to do?

Original poster
SelfBear · 13/02/2025 17:43

@TwoCatsandaHeart yes he could afford the rent on a flat nearby, and I could pay for mortgage, bills plus nursery fees without him (as I almost do now. He offers me money like it's a voluntary donation). I just couldn't afford to pay for the flat plus family home.

OP posts:
TwoCatsandaHeart · 13/02/2025 18:18

He sounds worse every time you post, OP. What’s he spending his wages on?

He’s not going to change anything so it’s up to you. Just say you want to split and take it from there. You can suggest he rents a flat.

Original poster
SelfBear · 13/02/2025 18:53

@TwoCatsandaHeart oh yes. I accepted he will never change some time ago. I've just been kidding myself over the last 18 months I can distract myself and bite my tongue and stay together for kids. And then recently I've accepted that's not possible either - but I dont have the guts.

OP posts:
researchers3 · 13/02/2025 19:05

YellowRoom · 13/02/2025 09:24

You understandaly are focused on him but you need to shift this focus on to you and DC. You do not need to articulate your thoughts and plans to him. If you tell him this weekend without having a plan you'll just end up pointlessy listening to him telling you you're ruining his and the children's life blah blah and you'll be no further forward. He's an appallingly partner and father and you need to know how you're going to set up a new, happier life in a practical sense. Telling him is not your goal.

Agree! He's clearly going to be a pain in the arse so I wouldn't give him a heads up!!

See a solicitor and speak to Women's Aid.

Maybe tell one person irl if you can completely trust them?

If he wants sex again tell him you're ill or have an infection.

If your kids birthdays are very soon, maybe do get those out of the way first.

Get copies of paperwork to do with his pensions/savings/earnings if he decides to be difficult.

If yiu have any major purchases to make do it sooner rather than later so it comes out of joint finances.

Don't spend loads on Solicitors- they are mostly a waste of money ime. You can get a free 30 mins with most of them.

Good luck.

Original poster
SelfBear · 13/02/2025 20:50

I can't tell you how much he hates me. He asked if I'd put the bins out. I said "yeah" and as he walked out the kitchen I heard him say "yeahhhhhh" in this really horrible impression of me.

Can't believe it's valentines day tomorrow. I haven't got him anything. What would I write in a card??? Maybe I'll just do nothing (he 100% won't) and then I can use that to start the conversation this weekend.....obviously no love here anymore, we both deserve more blah blah.

I'm prepared to pretend to be sad if that makes him behave better for the kids. I just need to keep him calm and try to make him think this is his idea too. Make him think life will be better if he was free.

OP posts:
TwoCatsandaHeart · 13/02/2025 21:59

It sounds awful. You are going to have to be firm though as it sounds like he’s got it easy at the moment, even if he hates you. You do everything, pay for everything. You’re even still sleeping with him. Time to cut free.

Original poster
SelfBear · 14/02/2025 09:32

God. The poor kids. I feel so guilty.

OP posts:
QueenBakingBee · 14/02/2025 10:03

I know it is difficult but labelling your kids in this way will paralyse you. Fear stops you from having the conversation - I know, been there!

In my opinion and experience, divorce doesn't harm children, its the way their parents behave that is what hurts them (married or divorced). You cannot control how he behaves, but you can control how you do.

Original poster
SelfBear · 14/02/2025 17:56

He is behaving badly right now. Coming home from work. Sits on his phone for ages because can't be bothered taking them swimming and so they're running late. Shouts at the 3 year old for no reason other than his own lateness. 3 year old crying. H so unkind to him.

I'm going to do it on Thursday evening. I'm going to come back here on Friday morning and post about how the conversation went. I'm going to tell him we don't love each other and I want us to separate. Posting here in an attempt to hold myself accountable in some way.

OP posts:
TheSilentSister · 14/02/2025 18:16

As a pp said - just start the conversation and the rest will follow.
I actually blurted it out in the end. I'd rehearsed ways to say it but in the end I was like a pressure cooker. You'll feel like a weight has been lifted.
Once the words are out, there's no predicting how your other half will react - could be upset, angry, surprised, unaccepting. Stick to your guns.
Get your ducks in a row.
You can do this, start the rest of your life on your terms.

DPotter · 14/02/2025 18:19

You can do this Selfbear.

Remember the saying - How do you eat an elephant ? One mouthful at a time.

Do you half term next week ?

Try and do one thing a day so for example
tell someone IRL - sister, Mum, best friend
book an appointment with a solicitor
start getting kids paperwork, passports, car documents etc altogther

TwoCatsandaHeart · 15/02/2025 07:13

I think if you wait to feel ready, you’ll never do it. Some things you just have to do, as long as you’re sure.

TwoCatsandaHeart · 25/02/2025 19:57

How did it go, @SelfBear

VikingsandDragons · 02/03/2025 06:32

Hope you're okay @SelfBear

Original poster
SelfBear · 02/03/2025 08:55

I tried! He agreed we had to split. But now he's gone back on it and been all over me, and begging and started doing loads of stuff in the house and sorting a therapist. But I don't want any of that. I want to be gone.

OP posts:
jsku · 02/03/2025 14:05

SelfBear · 02/03/2025 08:55

I tried! He agreed we had to split. But now he's gone back on it and been all over me, and begging and started doing loads of stuff in the house and sorting a therapist. But I don't want any of that. I want to be gone.

It’s up to you now. If you think he can change - and you want to try - why not.
If you are truly done - you’ll need to be strong and keep going.

You have a benefit of kids being small and not remembering whatever is going on - and will go on for the next year. It is a blessing in a way.

I am a few years post-divorce. At the time kids were late primary age/early secondary - so they have more memory. They also now reflect on the years pre-divorce and ask me why we didn't divorce sooner given that our relationship obviously didn’t work. The younger one doesn't remember much pre-divorce.
I tell them that I wanted to have them grow up a bit more before they had to deal with divorce…
So - its true that it’s hard to pick the right time.

But since you started, and if you are sure you want it - the good time is now.
Him not wanting, or not agreeing does not matter. He does not need to agree atm. As the process unfolds - he will have to accept the inevitability.
Have you seen a solicitor to understand what you need to do?

Shouldbedoing · 02/03/2025 19:03

He's probably found out what it will cost him to split

Shouldbedoing · 02/03/2025 19:05

But if it's too little, too late for you.

Plus the cruelty to the children.

Keep going towards a divorce

He doesn't have to agree to it

Original poster
SelfBear · 02/03/2025 19:07

@Shouldbedoing he earns far less than i do so no - it wont "cost" him anything as he will leave with £00s more than he put into the house or savings.

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 03/03/2025 07:15

I.forgot.that..You.had said
Rip.the plaster.off!

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 03/03/2025 07:34

Well done, OP, you’ve taken the first big step and told him. Now you have to stay strong, get a solicitor (this is essential) and start the divorce proceedings. Don’t let your kindness weaken you.

You’re doing this for DC as well as for yourself. If you start feeling sorry for your husband, keep remembering your little boy’s disappointment when dad stormed off andstopped him going to his school performance.

Sounds as if it may cost you money. But that is nothing compared with years more unhappiness for you and DC if you don’t divorce.

I tried many times to break up with a lazy, irritable cocklodger of a partner who pulled me back every time by promising he would change. After the first time I knew he was lying! But I struggled to break my “Be kind” conditioning — he was needy and had hinted at suicide.
When I finally couldn’t take any more and ordered him to go, I felt as if I’d been suffocating for years and could now breathe freely again. I felt as if I was soaring into the sky.
I met someone else after that, and have been happy for many years now. But I still remember the feeling of being able to breathe again the moment my ex left.

Best of luck. When you’re living happily with DC, without the gloom of a bad marriage hanging over you, you’ll be breathing freely again.

Mulledjuice · 03/03/2025 07:40

Are you keeping a log of all you do and all he does/doesn't do (eg the thing with the car). This is all material when it comes to whether 5050 is realistic/in best interests of the children

DrawNoAttention · 04/03/2025 07:02

Hello OP.

I am in a not dissimilar situation.

I am having the conversation this week unless I bottle it. It’s so hard to make the leap. I get it. You know you can’t continue but the alternative is so unknown and uncertain and there are so many practicalities.