Never the right time

[SelfBear]

My H shows me very little love. The last time we had sex was the worst sexual experiences of my life. He also pays very little money towards anything and I sort and pay for everything (from the car tax to school shoes). I'm only here because of the kids and money

But I do know I can't live like this forever

But how do you find the time? I know that sounds silly. But I've got a new very busy job, my kids birthdays are coming up, there is a holiday booked, I'm meant to be going away for a 40th birthday in a month, one kid is starting school in Sep.

My H is unpredictable. But if I know him at all I know at some point he is going to behave very destructively. His mental health isn't the best and he can behave quite strangely when under pressure (disappearing, shouting out randomly, lying in bed for days). He does not love me, in fact he often acts like he dislikes me but he will not want this. He is very used to be looked after and me solving everything. An example recently we had a small leak in the bathroom - he storms around saying "how annoying and expensive and why is the fucking house falling apart" etc - and then the next day I find a plumber, book, pay and it's sorted. This happens with every little thing. I honestly can't imagine him living independently and sorting bills etc. He's hugely immature and really before me - he was living like a student.

I want to do it but I can't put my life on pause. But I feel in order to protect the kids I need to plan for him to disappear or worse do something crazy. I can't tell my new work. And I don't want to ruin kids birthdays. I said i would wait after Christmas and now we are in February and no progress. I can't bear for 2025 to be like 2024.

I can't imagine telling him. I can't imagine how chaotic things could get. I need to protect my kids and my job from that chaos somehow.

I don't know what I'm asking. Advice. A kick up the arse. I am stuck. Pls help!

This is an excellent post.

I just wanted to say thank you. I’m sat here almost paralysed by fear having told my husband I want to separate last night. Your situation sounds eerily similar to mine.

Last night was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He shouted at beautiful son calling him a “f*ing idiot” because he broke something by accident. When I went into his room he was in tears and flinched thinking it was his dad coming in to have another go at him. In that moment I just knew I need to leave to protect the children.

We have slept in separate rooms for 2 years so I think that takes care of the grounds to divorce (I’m in Scotland) but I’m terrified. In between being verbally
abusive to me and the kids which happens about 3 times a week now, he is nice and that is confusing for both me and the kids. We co-own the house and I can’t afford to buy him out so it will all be messy. I know he will tell the kids it’s my fault and my choice. I just need to be strong. But I don’t feel strong.

this isn’t what I wanted 😢but I can’t sit back and watch my son be sworn at and made to cry. I just want a small calm home and no swearing. And I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

Hello. Similar boat here. Sending you love. ❤️

You women are so strong. I want to be out of this so badly

But I just slept with him after he was begging "I love you please. Don't give up on us" etc and then him pushing and persuading. Awful sex. Him kissing me makes me flinch and skin crawl. I hate it. And I'm pretending to like it. Pretending to like him to please him.

I'm so weak. My need to be kind and feel sorry for him. And now I'm so full of regret and self disgust. I feel ashamed.

I hope you're all stronger than me. Well done @coffeandbookstore you deserve peace and respect. @DrawNoAttention I hope you can do it. It's so difficult.

@Hairyesterdaygonetoday I've literally done the opposite of your excellent advice.

I’m not strong at all tonight. Massively fighting against a feeling I need to backtrack as he’s being so nice again but I KNOW it won’t last.

Don’t be hard on yourself. It’s really hard. And it’s confusing when they are nice in-between.

I am thinking of postponing ‘the talk’ because it is calm now and I know it will trigger him
off and I’ll have however many months of living with him while we separate and he will be horrible. I’m scared. Not strong.

But I also know it’s never going to be a good time.

if you don’t do it now, keep Observing his behaviour- start a journal. That way you won’t lose track of just how long it’s been going on. Write a list of the worst aspects of his behaviour. I read back through my journal recently and this has been going on for so long. I was horrified.

It also helps me to avoid that ‘is it me?’ Feeling because I look back and there it is. There is the pattern in black and white and it’s not changing.

I've been divorced twice OP. I'm afraid there is not and never will be a good time.
You just have to get on with it regardless of everything else thar is going on.
Get the ball rolling. Your kids will survive.
You'd be surprised how work understands, you just have to be matter of fact about it. A quick chat with your boss and say it will not affect your work. People can be very sympathetic.
Your life will change fantastically once it's done. It will be a massive relief.
Just plough on. I did it twice with two very difficult men and I'm not dead. Life Is great.

That makes it so hard doesn’t it. It sparks off the feeling of hope again. It reminds you of the times that led to you getting together and falling in love. It’s almost physical. But you are right. It won’t last. I’ve been round this cycle many times.

The change in behaviour. The hope. The relaxing into it and opening my heart again. Then the verbal abuse etc again the next time I trigger off some unseen button that makes him verbally abusive.

Im also scared that he will turn people against me. He’s lovely to the outside world. Really kind and generous and empathic. The man I thought I’d married. The man I was with for a few years (although I now look back and see red flags I missed). He’s only ever verbally abusive to me and DC. No one will believe what he’s like. It’s so scary making this decision.

Thats so great to hear.

What are your top tips for managing verbally abusive, manipulating and downright nasty and abusive men through this process please?

Im thinking of showing him how sad i am and blaming it on me not being able to be the person he needs. I am thinking of avoiding naming his controlling and verbally abusive behaviours. I think that might make the process less volatile which is better for the DC.

I have exactly the same rationale @DrawNoAttention - trying to think of a way to present it to him where he feels like it's his idea/my fault rather than him feeling blamed. he is highly defensive and finds it hard to accept things that aren't his idea. i am trying to think of a way to make it feel like we have decided it together and he will be happier without me. he talks about how lonely he is in the marriage, how unloved he feels, but when i suggest then we should split - he agrees for 24 hours and then we are back to this point again.

i don't think he loves me at all. i think he doesn't know how to be alone - he literally does nothing for himself. whereas being alone is all i want.

when he's being nice - i don't think he has changed - but i do kid myself that i can tolerate the shitty behaviour for an easier life, to not lose our home, and to not upset the kids.

It will hurt your very being to tolerate the shittiness.
And that will upset the children even more than the current situation is upsetting them.

Sounds very similar to my DH.

I started talking more honestly about what was happening with a couple of close and trusted friends (who don’t know each other) and they both thought he has a narcissistic personality style. I was sceptical at first as I think it’s a term that’s over used but the more I looked into it the more I’m convinced. You saying how defensive he is and the fake love make me wonder.

I’ll link to a Clinical Psychologist that’s produced lots of videos that I’ve found helpful. It might be worth you looking to see. It doesn’t change anything but it’s helped me become more of an observer than caught up in his whirlpool of aggression. I’ve learned some helpful techniques for keeping a warm family environment but without leaning fully into the marriage with all of me.

I was planning on writing him a letter today but another crisis has come up with one of DC and so I’m pausing again. It’s just not as easy as ‘just leave’ and when you own a house, unless there is risk, legally it’s wiser not to move.

It’s all a big messy mess! But we will do it. We have to for our DC. This is not a good model for them. I don’t want them thinking this is what marriage is.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5N38lO4FweA

This is a good starting point. See if it fits. It can help to have extra understanding. Even if it doesn’t create change.

It’s very true. The impact on my health and wellbeing is huge. It’s knowing it’s going to get worse before it gets better and not knowing how much worse that makes it hard. He will make it unbearable for me and my worst fear is that I then crumble and can’t parent effectively or with half my heart. I will do it though. I have no choice.

Met with a friend this evening and opened up a little. She started telling me "you never truly split when you have young kids. Youre replacing one problem with another, he's always going to be in your life so you might as well keep him on side". Wasn't really the conversation I had hoped for!

OP Ignore your friend! Those that care for you want what is best for you. Always remember though that You know what is best for you most.

I do still have to be in contact with my exH about the kids, but I absolutely don't have the rest of it anymore. As my children have got older, this need to be in contact has reduced significantly. And I can't wait to not have to apart from the odd occasion as soon as my youngest hits 18. It is definitely not a reason to stay!

That's really bad advice from your friend. She's right that he will always be in your life because you are co parents but the idea that that means you need to stay married is nonsense.

Total grey rock. Never explain, never complain. Its a complete waste of time and he will manipulate everything you say.
All you need to say is the divorce is my decision and that is what I am doing....the end.
Just discuss things you must discuss and nothing else, no feelings, no emotion. Its hard but its the only thing that works.

One thing I worry about is the reaction from DH long-term. I said in my original post - his MH isn't the best, he can be paranoid and see connections where there arent any (is his boss does something he doesnt like, he thinks it's part of a plan against him). Usually it's under control really - flares up a bit, and i spend a lot of time supporting him or trying to. He refuses help and always has done. He doesn't want advice, he doesn't want to see a doctor.

And I just feel the daily news & stories about angry, horrendous male violence today is so terrifying. I don't think my H is dangerous. But I don't know. He's unpredictable and reacts oddly to things. Somtiems I feel i don't know him at all.

And sometimes it feels like managing it all (lack of financial support, lack of love, his grumpy mood swings) are worth it rather than jumping into the unknown of how awful or angry he could become. I don't care for me - I'll protect myself and call the police on him in a instant if he became violent. But I can't face the thought of handing over my young DC to a man I don't fully trust to keep them safe when he's feeling v unwell and stressed (which he will do if I break up with him)

This may be catastrophizing on my part. I think it probably is. But fuck - it's scary.

totally get where you are coming from.

For me when I ended it - my ex behaved appallingly, including threatening to harm himself, drinking stupid amounts of alcohol etc etc. I've since learnt this is quite common. He would also start to shout and be very aggressive (no hitting but when you know you know). This went on for a month.

Eventually I realised I did not have to placate him anymore. Instead, I had stock phrases ready. Gave him fair warning. So for example, if you continue to behave this way by doing (insert behaviour here that is frightening you) then I'll have no choice but to leave with the kids. You are frightening me and I don't want the kids here when you are behaving like this.

You've set a boundary now. He won't like it.

If the behaviour continued, I followed through. Thankfully I had my folks and friends on standby just in case so I had somewhere safe to go.

I only had to do this once with the follow through.

Again when it was all fresh, I withheld the kids once as he had been calling me very drunk and abusive the whole day and night and early morning. He was supposed to be taking them away for the weekend. He was not a suitable parent at that time. Again with the warning, boundary and follow through.

At that time I also messaged a couple of his close friends - I asked them to make contact because I was concerned about his mental wellbeing. I could do no more.

Lastly, remember You are not alone. Much much love and strength to you. xx

Thanks. Thats really helpful. 🙏

@QueenBakingBee when you say "follow through" - what do you mean? Did you call the police?

My follow through was - I removed myself and the kids from the situation. It was quite late but I got the kids up and went to my parents house. A friend was on standby too in case my parents were away.

I only called the police once but it was for something else he did. After that, he did calm down. The police didn't charge him with anything but I think the stern talking to in the police station worked.

I'm in the same position too, except we decided to separate three months ago and he is still in the house ☹️. Hope you manage to navigate this difficult time.

My husband sounds just like yours! Has MH issues and has said he's been suicidal. When we decided to separate it was like a weight had been lifted. Remember you are not responsible for your husband and his wellbeing - he is a grown adult. You are however responsible for your children. I told mine "I am not responsible for your happiness, yes I can add to it but I cannot make you happy". Actually since we made the decision he hasn't really gone on about his MH and is coping. It's amazing what they can do when you stop acting like their mothers (mine has discovered he can run his own finances, do housework and cook!).
Even though you may not love him anymore it's natural to still care about him and want the best for him - I know I feel like that - but that doesn't mean you have to stay in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship