Child arrangements when one parent will not commit to set days

[Elmatheele]

I’m in a tricky situation where the children’s dad works abroad. He has a varying schedule and basically picks and chooses when he is around to see them. Sometimes he is genuinely working, other times it’s social and he is on holiday. Obviously this creates resentment on my part. I’m tired exhausted and fed up. I feel I have no support and I can’t even so much as join a weekly evening fitness class as there’s no support. I’d have to pay for a childminder and I simply can not afford it. I feel so trapped. The whole thing feels so controlling. Ex gets to live his life doing whatever he pleases and I am stuck juggling work and childcare. I work every hour between school hours and then mad rush to collect kids followed by taking on the entire homework, reading, dinners, baths etc. Every weekend it’s me running around to parties. I can’t even so much as pop to a supermarket alone.

The children are primary age. Their dad is often gone for two/three/four months periods and then rocks up again. There is zero consistency.

How do I make arrangements? Im completely lost? It has been three years now and I can’t do this anymore. I think it might break me.

Can you arrange a babysit swap with other families - you look after their DC one evening and they return the favour so you can have the odd evening out / attend a class?

What is he paying you for child support? If it's nothing or not enough, pursue getting more out of him and then use it for paid childcare so you can get out and do more. I doubt if you'll ever get more consistent parenting out of him, but he can at least pay his way.

Court.

This sounds really difficult to navigate. If you were married I guess you would be picking up the slack when he’s working away, but this is a different situation and he can’t place that expectation on you.

He needs to find a job that is compatible with childcare even if it means taking a pay cut or turning down opportunities - this is what mums have been doing forever.

I would go to court, get binding contact arrangements and then has to sort himself out to provide the childcare required.

A court will order contactvwround his work pattern and will only stipulate that op makes children available. If he changes /doesnt turn up they won’t force to

unfortunately op you will have to try to find alternatives to enable you to get out

It’s awful that I have to make children available to suit him yet where is he helping me to enable me to work?! How is it remotely fair?

So essentially he can earn his six figure salary do as he pleases and I need to just suck it up and accept that I will not be afforded the same ability to save for my future. I just feel like walking away.

If he is earning a 6 figure salary he should be contributing significant Child Support payments which should enable you to buy support. Have you put in a claim?

You clearly cannot rely on him to be physically present or to take a faur share of the workload but he can fucking well pay for that freedom.

You only have to make the children available if there is a court order saying so. If its just an arrangement between yourselves, then you have to decide whether the relationship is positive for your children and plan accordingly. It's all based on a child's right to a relationship with the parent , not whether parent wishes to put the effort in. If no court order then just don't do it and he'd have to take you to court (which, as he drifts in and out would he bother?) No court can force him to have his children to any particular pattern.

I don't think it's true that a court will work around his schedule, and you will have to accommodate him.

In my case, I was the parent that worked long hours/worked away.

I'm embarrassed about this in hindsight, but I did want arrangements to work around my job (as they had done when we were together) so that I could keep doing my job and have the children when suited around that.

The court told me tough basically- if I want to have my kids I will have to change my job or make arrangements to accommodate. I was told my exes job is just as important, he deserves equal down time, we both should have quality time with the children when not working etc etc.

So obviously I had to change my job and life to be a single parent. In my case we both wanted equal time with the kids but I wanted it to fit around my work which could include weeks away then weeks home. I was just outright told no and that my ex and children deserve stability, so that my ex can plan his life and work as well which is totally fair. Like I say I'm embarrassed now about it. Anyway.

That being said, the other parent has to want to parent, the court can't force either parent to have the children.

So for example say you go to court and want stability and a set arrangement. And let's just say the court agreed and says yes your exh has the kids every other weekend and one day every week. All that happens is that you have to make them available for that contact, if he turns around and says well no I can't I'm at work or doing this or doing that- there isn't anything you can do.

In one way it may allow you to plan a little better in that those are the days, you know that he can't be pestering you for contact outside of that, but if he's selfish and unreliable he may not actually take up that contact.

@lola2668 thank you so much for taking the time to write that.

I just feel I want to cry at the current set up: I’m literally at point of burnout at the moment.

With such a significant salary, it may be worth investigating private day schools which allow flexible boarding. Lots of parents with extended periods of working away use boarding as a means of facilitating their career.

Or could he pay for a nanny that moves between you with the children?

Unfortunately I am certain he would ever be on board for paying for boarding school and as for a nanny he thinks that’s my role. He also does not have a home in the uk. He lives in holiday lets!

Has he always worked away? Not owned or rented a home? This whole setup is difficult to envision.

I doubt he'll ever change. You might want to try to establish cooperative childsitting arrangements with other parents.

OP - you’re right. He gets to live the high life in Dubai or the US, conveniently forget how easy it is to fly home and then gets to be Disney Dad when he remembers.
Of course he’ll forget how hard kids can be and will repeat with a new woman who thinks it’ll be “different” for them.
I can’t help other than to say that your kids will remember you were in effect a single mum and he was an absent father.

Unfortunately it will always be on the RP to make the children available.
NRP is not expected to accommodate at all.
A CAO would stipulate his set days, but they are days for you to make the children available. Not that he must take it.

If you were brave enough you could play an Uno reverse and drop the kids off and tell him he's RP now.

Where is his official home? And where does he spend most of his time?

He honestly has no home anymore. He lived with us. Moved out and now lives hotel to hotel and rents accommodation in the uk. Occasionally stays at his parents house. The whole thing just feels dysfunctional.

Just to clarify I would say 9 months of the year he is out of the country.

This jumped out at me. Why exactly do you have to make the children available to suit him? Has this been through court? Are you getting the maintenance you deserve? Either way, stop dancing to his tune. Use some of the suggestions here, childcare swaps etc if you can. You might not be able to solve your immediate problems with childcare logistics, but it sounds like you can work on being less resentful of him by just refusing to dance to his tune anymore?

And start turning down at least half of the parties! Honestly, it's fine xx

A court won’t force him to parent or to change jobs or stuck to a schedule. That’s reality.

I know many women who have exes with variable shifts etc and all have had to work with that ( assuming ex actually wants to see them)

i didn’t say it was fair but its reality

all You can do is make sure he’s paying correct cms as a minimum and try to build up friends etc who can help with childcare or social life etc.

if he’s not bothered and doesn’t want a regular schedule no court in the land will force him

how old are the children ?

I had one like this. I told him the children needed a timetable and stability so we had to have set days.

They visited him every other weekend and he had to arrange his travel such that he was available and if he missed a weekend, then he didn't see them until his next scheduled weekend. I refused to accommodate ad hoc days that changed randomly. Funnily enough he then did manage to turn up on his scheduled weekends although he did bad mouth me to his family about how I was " stopping him seeing the children". But he never bothered taking it to court because he knew he wasn't capable of seeing them much more than every other weekend anyway.

I wouldn't plan around anyone who is abroad 75 percent of the time. He's a lost cause and it's probably not helpful to train the children that everyone dances to the man's tune, no matter how thoughtless, indifferent and cavalier he is. What a horrid lesson for them.

Just lead your own lives going forward. Be available to him or not on your own terms, as convenient. He's not co-parenting so don't expect the support you would get from a co-parent. He's just a sperm donor.

Out of curiosity, did he have this work pattern when the children were conceived?