Child arrangements when one parent will not commit to set days

[Elmatheele]

I’m in a tricky situation where the children’s dad works abroad. He has a varying schedule and basically picks and chooses when he is around to see them. Sometimes he is genuinely working, other times it’s social and he is on holiday. Obviously this creates resentment on my part. I’m tired exhausted and fed up. I feel I have no support and I can’t even so much as join a weekly evening fitness class as there’s no support. I’d have to pay for a childminder and I simply can not afford it. I feel so trapped. The whole thing feels so controlling. Ex gets to live his life doing whatever he pleases and I am stuck juggling work and childcare. I work every hour between school hours and then mad rush to collect kids followed by taking on the entire homework, reading, dinners, baths etc. Every weekend it’s me running around to parties. I can’t even so much as pop to a supermarket alone.

The children are primary age. Their dad is often gone for two/three/four months periods and then rocks up again. There is zero consistency.

How do I make arrangements? Im completely lost? It has been three years now and I can’t do this anymore. I think it might break me.

I do work I work every bloody hour between school and then look after two young children alone with zero hours to myself ever.

The reason people think you are getting more UC is that is you would get more in rented rather than your ex's mortgaged home. I'd check on turn2us or something like that what you would get in rented. I think you are in such a stressful situation that you can't see the wood for the trees. This clearly isn't sustainable. The south east is pretty much the most expensive area outside of London. It sounds like your friends have a lifestyle that isn't in your reach at the moment. Up and down the country there are children who are collected by childminders. Even if you don't move now, have a think at moving in a natural break in school if it's impossible to find suitable rent covered near where you are. Going to court will achieve very little sadly. It wont make him turn up. But you have more options than someone with no jobs and no work skills. You will get through this. If I were you I'd look at my exit strategy and build towards that for the sake of sanity. You sound incredibly burnt out at the moment

I'm a totally solo mum by choice (not circumstances) so different to you but similar in some ways. I don't live in the most expensive parts of the uk however as I'm within 50mins train from London so it's still expensive. I have had to choose to live here rather than nearer family where housing is more expensive. Sometimes we have to choose what we want to sacrifice. My child attends wrap around care from 7.30am until 6pm Monday to Friday so that I can work and pay for everything we need. We don't live an extravagant life. It is simple! I pay the bills and that's pretty much it. I can't afford days out, hair cuts or holidays. I can see you are finding the lack of plausible suggestions frustrating but I think you need to make a decision. Are you wanting to stay where you are and accept the circumstances as they are or move to somewhere else despite the disruption? You are worried about your child coping with wrap around care but just to reassure you, my child does not like school and has anxiety about going. However, they love the wrap around care. If you could find a school with something like this it may well help you out and your child will probably cope better than school. My child's best friends at school are from the wrap around care. They are currently in their second year of school their friends are both younger and older. You cannot rely on your ex to help you here so you need at find something that works for you whatever that may be. I wish you luck finding a solution

Thank you. I am sat here in tears I’m absolutely at a point of being unable to function at all. I constantly think of ways I can just leave and escape and wonder if I can just not be the one everyone depends on anymore.

But it's not just 1k. It's 1k and the mortgage paid in full. And you don't use a childminder because your son wants you to collect him.

There's a lot there already that you don't seem to want to acknowledge.

You need to speak to your GP if you feel like that. They can help with medication or put you on a waiting list for counselling.

You have a lot to process and a lot of changes coming your way but everything will work out in the end x

I have just enough money to cover our outgoings. That includes no holidays or trips away. You are completely wrong in your assumptions. You sound like you are trying to attack me because I’m one of the rare women that actually gets a reasonable amount of maintenance compared to the absolutely pitiful amount some get. If I was in social housing my rent would be covered anyway. He is paying for his own mortgage?!

@JimHalpertsWife

OP you need to let this bitterness go before it destroys you. So what if he's living the "high life". You're the one who has your beautiful children around you, and your face is the first and last thing they see everyday. They're healthy, you're healthy and you're just trapped in a state of apathy. The younger years are really tough going but in 5 years time, they'll be so much more independent and less reliant on you.

I would start trying to find your own home. Take away his power over you. At least you'd have security with a council/HA lease.

I’m not saying £1k is a lot. The point is they’d not expected to cover all your bills and food. It’s a contribution towards them and you’re expected to work to also contribute ( which you do ) your share. You are in a better position than most in that you have no rent ( and no it’s not a race to the bottom)

life with young kids can feel relentless but you need to draw on support of friends rather than rely on ex who is disinterested. you have lots of options and ability to do things differently should you chose to

if you’re seeing things as you outlined above you should seek help and support from your gp.

But your income isn't £1k a month. It's £1k plus £700 UC plus your wages. You have no housing costs. You shouldn't be on the breadline.

How much extra UC would you get in a rental?

I'm not attacking you. You've been offered possible solutions and you've poo pood them

I would get a court order.

Don’t be silly, you can’t force a parent to have contact, court or not.

My ex is like this. He has set days in the court order. If he isn't around to use them that's his loss.

He used to ask for swaps etc but I realised that left us with no ability to plan at all so now I operate a "no swaps" rule.

The children think very little of him for choosing to prioritise both work and fun over seeing them

He doesn't get it and will send them photos of the fun he is having

Op can use court to ensure she has a bit more control over when she does.have the children though.

Honestly op I don't want to seem hard on you but yes it's frustrating that he won't be more involved but I think that your reaction is a little extreme . You kids are of school age and you work school hours. You have in effect free rent . Decent maintenance and a part time job in an area you really like. I don't want to minimise but really it's worth remembering that you don't have it so bad and have lots to be thankful for including 2 lovely kids that he is missing out on.
Is it that you would like more free time to date again or socialise ? I get that's hard with no support but it won't be for ever and kids will be more independent all the time .
He sounds very unlikely to change his job so if he is going to be out of the country for 9 months of the year then you can't force him to have his kids .

Who gives a shit whether or not he thinks it's your role. He isn't present. He fucks off most of the time. You are a solo parent so you can do what you want. Claim child support and stop relying on him in any way other than financially. Staying tethered to this man is making you more miserable. You are on your own. Take his money and don't rely on him for anything else because it will just make you annoyed.

What would he say if you asked for half the house? That seems your only option. It's a shame you weren't married.

Why would her ex sign over half his house ? He won’t