Child arrangements when one parent will not commit to set days

[Elmatheele]

I’m in a tricky situation where the children’s dad works abroad. He has a varying schedule and basically picks and chooses when he is around to see them. Sometimes he is genuinely working, other times it’s social and he is on holiday. Obviously this creates resentment on my part. I’m tired exhausted and fed up. I feel I have no support and I can’t even so much as join a weekly evening fitness class as there’s no support. I’d have to pay for a childminder and I simply can not afford it. I feel so trapped. The whole thing feels so controlling. Ex gets to live his life doing whatever he pleases and I am stuck juggling work and childcare. I work every hour between school hours and then mad rush to collect kids followed by taking on the entire homework, reading, dinners, baths etc. Every weekend it’s me running around to parties. I can’t even so much as pop to a supermarket alone.

The children are primary age. Their dad is often gone for two/three/four months periods and then rocks up again. There is zero consistency.

How do I make arrangements? Im completely lost? It has been three years now and I can’t do this anymore. I think it might break me.

Would it be better to make a plan and get your own home, or to have homelessness imposed on you out of the blue by the homeowner? Those are the only two options.

@dror I know you are right. I guess I just don’t know how to even begin this process. I feel mentally blocked.

Childminders?

He pays the mortgage and £1k per month in CMS. You get UC (up to 1.7 k for 2 children) and you have a job. Your income must be c3-4k per month. And your outgoings without rent or a mortgage can’t be that high. Why can’t you afford some childcare?

A court isn’t going to give you more money or more commitment. There is no remedy to who he is and you run the risk of being put in a worse situation sooner rather than later. There will be a later.

The biggest issue you have is that you don’t have a good income and you don’t have an interest in the house. When he decides he wants to sell it what will you do?

I think you need to focus on getting into a better financial situation.

@millymollymoomoo we have an incredible network of friends. The hardest part is that everyone is so busy with careers and juggling life nobody really has time for regular swapping of childcare. Most are reasonably wealthy and use childminders and nanny’s. My youngest just started primary and the elder is 7

That’s easy to suggest but how? My kids already have one abandoned parent . My son would be devastated if I wasn’t there for pickup at school. There is no wrap around school. I work 30 hours per week. My universal credit is nothing like posted I get £700

My son would be devastated if I wasn’t there for pickup at school

I'm sure most kids would prefer their parent to collect them but it doesn't always work that way.

Your son might be upset at first but would soon get used to it- as all children do with parents they work. As long as you act positively about it, so will they

How much is it for an apartment?

Cottages are desirable and you pay a premium.

There aren’t really any apartments/flats to rent locally just looked and only a few one bedrooms.

The cheapest house is £1400 per month.

Do you have any family anywhere op?

Hard as it may be, I think you're best bet is to move somewhere of your own, even if it means moving schools.
It will be tough initially but children adapt. Far less tough doing it now then being chucked out without any say when your children are older.
Somewhere secure for you and your DC, where you are in control, and hopefully there is more access to wrap around care.

When dads work away eg the military, then you can’t have set days. Some dads only have school holidays because of the distance or working issues like shifts or night working.

The best you can do is to say these are the kids school holidays, when can you have them and expect notice of x months /weeks. He can’t just say “I’m in the UK and want to see the kids tomorrow” because you need the freedom to make future plans without having to worry about what ifs. If you went to court then I think that this is what you’ll be told unless it really is impossible for your ex to say when he’ll be back in the UK until days before but I still think that asking him to time it so that it lines up with school holidays is reasonable for the kids.

Stop accepting party invites. I’m a single mum or 3 and stuck to close friends only which kept me busy enough

This.

Don't feed into that. Millions of kids manage because their parents need to work full time, work shifts, etc.

My ex was like this but he didn't even work away. I gave up in the end, plodded through these younger years and created two very independent young adults. It's frustrating but not much you can do

Goodness so I already feel completely burnt out and now I need to add working longer hours and attempting to find the gold dust childminders to my list. Yikes! So I also need to quit kids swimming classes too. Feels so shit for the kids.

You say millions. I only know of two children in the entire village school who are collected by childminders and it’s not even every day. I guess it’s quite normal in city’s? I think it’s mainly the demographic of the area I live in. Lots of older professionals. Average parental age mid 40s lots of stay at home mums. I’m beginning to realise the area I live is a bit of a bubble.

OP you’ve come here for advice and are rebutting every suggestion on how you can help yourself.

With an ex who works away 9 months a year, you are never going to have a set up where he has them Wednesday evening and EOW. That’s not realistic.

Perhaps moving out of your bubble will help - that’s not your life anymore and you’d benefit from being around mums and families in the same circumstances as you.

You must be able to save up all the money you're living mortgage-free, and the man sends you £12,000 a year. The rent/mortgage prices you've mentioned should be easily affordable.
It's fine if you want to make excuses, but that won't help when he kicks you out. A solid plan for the next few months will bring security for you and your kids.

You really can't depend on him so deciding you are effectively solo parenting will make life easier. It will be tough but you can let go of any hope that he will help, unless it suits him. You're right, it isn't fair.

Could you possibly come to an arrangement with a friend to nanny-share? Or at least to use one of these nannies for a regular evening/few hours off? Your children will grow up knowing they have one parent they can rely on, who always puts their needs first.

You have my sympathy, but you've got your answer; you need to parent without him and accept its not fair! Look into wrap around care - move schools if necessary or allow some money for a babysitter once in a while so you get some free time.

You said you work, you get UC, you get 1K a month in maintenance and you have no housing costs! You're doing pretty well! Its unfortunate that it is his house, but put your name down on the social housing list and maybe in a few years time you'll be offered something (UC will cover it all).

Yes you are living in a bubble, one that could go pop at any time.

You have to move out of his house and make a secure life for yourself and your children.
The village you are in is too expensive, and the school has no wrap-around care.

Start thinking about where you want to move to - what area did you grow up in? Where are your family? Did you study at uni in a place you would like to go back to? Do you have any friends in another area?
Teenagers often dislike villages and prefer to be in a busy town with lots for them to do, so if you move soon you will be set up for their future years.

The children will soon adapt to a new school and make new friends, as will you.

Check the CMS calculator to see if their father is paying what he should (ignoring the mortgage). If not, claim via CMS.

In all honesty the only decent friends I’ve ever had are where I am now. I’ve never felt more at home than here. I certainly can not afford to go back to London. I’ve only ever lived in the south east. It is expensive. Family live miles away and would not help regardless. Parents still work and have categorically said they do not want to do childcare.

I just find it utterly disheartening that despite this man having kids they should suffer and have to change their entire lives. They love their school. They love their friends. They are so happy here. It’s really easy on the outside to tell someone they should rip apart their life and just leave.

I can’t take my job with me so I’d need a new job too.

As for finances I really am not living a life of luxury. I live in a very average semi detached house on an average street. It’s absolutely not fancy. We are literally bursting out the seams of it. Before ex left we was making arrangements to move.

Why would you have to give up swimming?

mine did clubs evenings and weekends.

people are trying to guve you support and advice. We get it’s hard but you don’t have to outright dismiss all of them as not possible when in fact they are.

and yes, you work 30 hours, get uc, £1k a month cms and rent free…. You should have money for childcare to help you

1k a month really isn’t a lot. Doesn’t even cover the bills and food.

It’s not supposed to …: that’s why you are supposed to work too…. And most people don’t live rent free

I think people think £1000 is a life of luxury. I’m one person in a home with two kids. We still have council tax, heating, electricity, food, car repairs and fuel. The car alone cost me £2k to fix the other day. That was most my savings gone: