Child arrangements when one parent will not commit to set days

[Elmatheele]

I’m in a tricky situation where the children’s dad works abroad. He has a varying schedule and basically picks and chooses when he is around to see them. Sometimes he is genuinely working, other times it’s social and he is on holiday. Obviously this creates resentment on my part. I’m tired exhausted and fed up. I feel I have no support and I can’t even so much as join a weekly evening fitness class as there’s no support. I’d have to pay for a childminder and I simply can not afford it. I feel so trapped. The whole thing feels so controlling. Ex gets to live his life doing whatever he pleases and I am stuck juggling work and childcare. I work every hour between school hours and then mad rush to collect kids followed by taking on the entire homework, reading, dinners, baths etc. Every weekend it’s me running around to parties. I can’t even so much as pop to a supermarket alone.

The children are primary age. Their dad is often gone for two/three/four months periods and then rocks up again. There is zero consistency.

How do I make arrangements? Im completely lost? It has been three years now and I can’t do this anymore. I think it might break me.

@WifeImprovementWorksInProgress I find it incredibly hard as I get a lot of backlash when I do not and threats to stop paying the mortgage which would essentially leave us homeless as I can’t pay it alone. I earn not a lot really and get universal credit to top us up as I can’t physically put the hours in.

I do not know how to even to put into words how exhausting it is mentally. I feel like I’m being controlled and it feels abusive that’s the only way I can describe it. I just get made to feel like the devil. The child maintenance is £1k a month. He has ways of disguising his true earnings.

@almostwelsh unfortunately with his lifestyle (job) there is no way he can physically do the weekends he would be scheduled he works ridiculous hours all week. We are talking shifts from 8am till 2am. 7 days a week with the odd random days off of which he is usually travelling. He isn’t even on the same continent teh majority of the time let alone in the uk.

Oh and I forgot he has to factor in time with his girlfriend that lives on another continent so that’s even more of the very little time he has gone. I’m just so sick of the whole thing.

Yes he did have this job. He was suppose to be leaving this industry as he has a business in he uk. I naively believed this would be the case. We was together 10 years before kids. I trusted him completely. He left after the very cliche affair. Or many it turned out to be.

My ex was abroad a lot, often at short notice. Even so, he did manage to control his work times to a certain extent once he realised I wasn't going to accommodate him at short notice. Often they have more control than you think, it just suits them to have you running around after them.

If he missed a weekend, he missed it. Had to wait for the next one (sometimes he delegated to his mother).

I did not assume any help during the week while I worked, I just paid for childcare.

It might be outing but his situation is he works on music tours. If he doesn’t turn up the shows he is fired. That’s essentially it. There is zero flexibility.

Does this man own your house? Or partially own it? You should look to sort that, since he can easily make you homeless, as you said.

I've seen posts over the years on here that way the man a woman picks to have a kid with is one of the biggest choices she can make in life, as that man will impact every hour of your day for decades.
Sadly this one is deadbeat scum.

OP you need to organise your routine without his involvement. The reality is he doesn’t live in the UK and so doesn’t have the proximity to co-parent.

Your best bet is to try and arrange a school holiday schedule so he has them for a couple of weeks in summer, one of the half terms etc and they can either visit him abroad or spend time with him here if he happens to be in the UK.

Crosspost: I just saw he’s on tour so having the children when he’s working isn’t feasible.

Just tell him he can see them if he commits to a regular arrangement and does some actual parenting, otherwise not. Doesn't sound like he'll take you to court.

Trust me it keeps me up at night. I was with this guy 14 years and I never truly knew him at all.

He owns the house in his name and I have no legal claim over it. I try not to think about it because I feel trapped.

That may be so, but it sounds like he's making you accommodate his leisure time also. There is more flex in his timetable than just his working hours.

It’s sounds good but he has already told me he unavailable for the entire summer holidays.

I really appreciate all your thoughts and support honestly. Just really don’t know where I go from here.

I can’t make him parent.
I cant force him to show up on allocated days.
I have no choice but to take on the entire parental responsibilities.
I live in fear of being made homeless.

There is no way around this OP. You are parenting solo and you can’t rely on him. If he won’t change his career to facilitate parenting, there is nothing you can do. Their time with him is always going to be a bit sporadic.

You need to secure housing, I imagine this is a huge factor in being near burnout. You can't be dependent on an ex boyfriend to house you, he could kick you out any time.
Can you move to somewhere you can afford a mortgage/shared ownership alone? It's not tenable to keep living in the mans property.
You wrote that he has no home anymore, but he does, it's you who does not.

@dror I simply can not afford to move without relocating and moving the kids away from their friends and school.

Is he celeb? Any chance you can say you are going to go to the press about his shit parenting? Absolute bastard parent to treat the mother of his children and his children in this way.

It’s shit. I’m not denying that.

but I think you have to accept it’s not going to change. Let go of the ( understandable) resentment and simply try to focus on things that YOU can control.

I don’t know if your kids are young primary or older primary - if the former try to befriend some parents schools, have play dates and then they’ll be reciprocated, etc. if older primary then once at secondary you can start to leave them for a couple of hours while you shop / go to the gym etc.

can you use some of the cms for a baby sitter occasionally?

You can't afford not to have secure housing. Kids adapt to schools and friendships come and go.

Not famous just works in a management role alongside these artists.

My son’s struggling with huge anxiety and I just don’t think I can do it to him. The thought of terrifies me. Our alternative option is social housing. Rent is around £1800 around here for a shoebox cottage (I’d take the tiny cottage! )

I take it you didn’t marry ?

@millymollymoomoo despite 14 years we did not marry. We was intending to during Covid 😔

Book the children into wrap around care - your UC will go up to cover up to 85% of this cost. Then, when you've finished work, go do the supermarket shop or a gym class before you collect them.

No wrap around care at our village school. @JimHalpertsWife