Cheating pain

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So afyer 27 years I caught my husband cheating. He said he met her a month ago amd asked for her number. He offered to show me text messages to prove the date.
She booked a hotel on thr 31st dec and paid for it and they had sex. The lies he told me. He even convinced me to change medication over Xmas as I was 'paranoid' he shotef at me when I questioned certain things and made me feel guilty. He swore on the kids lives that he was cheating. He held me while I sobbed saying I feel like il going mad because of my worries about him cheating.
I just feel sick, shit about myself and the pain is unbelievable. I checked his dash cam for one day and he even deleted thr last image which shows him going to a car park to meet her.
We had sex still and even booked a night away for his birthday. We went out the day before woth the kids and had a good time.
When does the pain end. I just can't function. We have two children aged 9 and 11. They've not taken it well i don't think they have processed it.
I've had to block him because I'm messaging him asking him questions wanting detial but he's ignoring me. But I also don't want the details because it hurts more. I'm a mess. I just need positive stories because right now I want to jump in front of a bus.
The other week he came home with a bag of sweets. He told me that a bloke at work got them for the kids becdue he knew they liked them. I knew this was lie. Middle aged men dont do thus for men's children. Turns out it was her. Thus makes me feel sick.
Thanks to medication changed for my 'paranoia ' I've not been well and told him I didn't want to be alone thus sat when he was meant to be going out bowling. He said to get my mim round if I was unwell. He wasnt wiling to cancel it. Yep..she's booked a hotel for them both. I just keep getting intrusive thoughts.
Ive also posted in relationships but that's quiet atm
Any advice welcome. I just cannot stand the pain. The flashbacks of seeing them both sat there. I jist feel sick.

Sorry to hear that

Thanks but right now I think it might be for the best.

I meant abouy your friend.

Oh I know. I think it is for the best re my friend as well.

Sorry I'm being thick. You mean your oh was also your best friend didn't you.
See with my ex, I never found him sportive, he'd listen but wasn't equipped to offer meaningful advice. I navigate most things on my own

You're not being thick but no, I meant another friend. Actually an old school friend. I would have said ex was my favourite person until he wasn't and we were really good friends until we weren't. But no, I mean I've lost a friend who can't understand why I feel as I do and have acted as I have.

Understood.
Well i think we've come to some kind of are financial arrangement. Wish I could fast forward 6 months.

You'll get there. While you are in it it feels like it is taking forever and you'll never be divorced. My solicitor told me if you do it within a year you've done well. My divorce was done within nine months and it was almost a year to the day after we split.

God really. Guess it's court delays

No, once it goes in front of a judge it is pretty quick as they give an answer there and then.

But it's getting it in front of a judge isn't it. I've heard there are backlogs for this ..so when they say 6 months, it's usually longer.

It is but that's just too bad. It is a process and it will eventually come to an end. But if you don't start it you can't end it.

Just rtwt. OP, you said you were in a bad place before but maybe he was a main contributer to that? So awful that he gaslit you so much that you changed your medication! Someone with such malice doesn't deserve a minute of your time or tears. That really shocked me. The callousness of it.
Try not to focus on what he's said or done or why, especially why. You'll never get to the truth. It's most probably something as simple as his ego being boosted and could've been anyone that did it. It wasn't anything you did or didn't do. The fact that he snuck off to his mothers like a coward says it all. Chumplady says you didn't cause it you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Even if he did crawl back and you took him back it would never be the same. You'd never trust him fully again.

I'll bet that if they are together the sparkle will have worn off as there's not the same seedy excitement. Just domesticity like everyone else experiences.

Karma will come round. Maybe not for a while but it will. You will move on and get stronger and will wonder what you saw in the little turd.

Thank you. Others have said the same. It's the lies ans his behaviour around it all which hurt more than thr sex he had. The way he shouted at me and called me weird when he accused me of following him. I wasn't, I was going to have it out with him. Little did I know it was the same day he went to 'work' but didn't and instead booked a day's leave to have sex in a hotel room while telling me his work van had a flat tyre. Just lies lies lies while looking at me int he eye still having sex woth me. It makes me feel sick
He used my body, my bank account and my mind
After 27 years together I just feel so shocked that someone I know as well as myself could do this to me. He still seeing her now, valentines will be hard.
According to his mum he plans on staying living there ( with his mum)! But again that could be lies too.
He doesn't do anything too hard. Job was too hard so he left and went back to a crap one, autisic children and meno wife..too hard so he fucked off and left us. I know he's a loser. I just wish I could stop trying to rationalise it all

Hey, Valentines us a bunch of commercial crap. It doesn't mean anything. All those people standing side by side in the card shop looking at the same factory produced tat. Plus the overpriced flowers. It's not important. You have your health, your dcs. That's more important. He's let you all down and skulking. A weak man. You don't need him. You have your own strengths even though you don't feel it right now, it's in there deep down.

Hi OP, it sound like you are exactly where I was a few months ago. My H also blamed my anxiety medication, my mental health, my paranoia etc and made up lots of lies about how his boss needed him in the office more blah blah blah.

I promise you it gets easier. I didn't alter my meds but I did use diazapem 3-4 times to fend off panic attacks. I did sob and wail on my friends and family too.

You have been 'wronged' at the absolute highest level by a man that should have been stood my your side. How you feel is completely normal. He is a spineless waste of space and a disgraceful person. The man you loved is dead, he no longer exists and has been replaced by a rat.

If you can find some fire in your belly please try and do so, if you can't, that's ok too. Just keep getting up, getting dressed and getting through each day. Eventually it won't feel as hard but I'm afraid you're going to have to just hold on tight and bear hunt this shit (you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you've got to go through it).

Use whatever mantras or support you need, stay away from booze, try to stop all the questions your brain has because nothing he ever says is the truth or worth hearing. No good can come from asking him questions, you are simply reopening that wound each time you ask.

Make some plans with the kids if you can but you are doing SO SO well, you are clearly stronger than you believe right now.

We are all here for you and with you.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm feeling for numb today but certain things are very triggering. I had a panic attack driving to my counsellor yesterday becuaee I saw something which took me right back to the time i caught them both.

It's so hard to stop thinking the questions. The why he did it, how he could swear on the kids lives he wasn't, how he could continue doing it. Id feel sick and wrecked with guilt.

I've been there.
You feel like you need answers to try and make sense of why he would hurt you this way. Compounded by the vile way he gaslighted you into changing meds to protect his lies.
He isn't going to help you heal.

The cold hard truth is - It wasn't about you. You didn't factor into his thoughts process at all.
He got caught up in the thrill of the chase, the rush of having someone flirt and want you. Someone chasing you is addictive.
He would not have considered you at all - it is all about his feelings.

He will play the victim, the great dad etc etc because he needs to justify his behaviour.

You cannot control him- you can only control how you react.

Be kind to yourself
Let him play Disney dad - let him have the kids as much as possible. Take some time for yourself.

It took me about 2 years to stop thinking about it everyday, the shaking stopped after about 8month- it physically shake whenever something popped into my head.

You can do this.
Vent here
Talk to people in real life
One minute at a time

Thanks today is a bad day I think esp as its valentines day. First time in 27 years alone

Also I wrote letters.
Lots of letter
Asking the questions
Venting my anger
I kept them until I don't need to and then burnt them.

Some mentioned writing in a journal. Even my surname feels dirty now. I can't even change it as we have young children.

Feel free to change your name if that's specifically difficult for you - I never changed my name when I married and have a different surname to my children. They've never batted an eyelid at it.

I would say it took me years to stop thinking about it all the time. It's a PTSD-type thing. Especially since you saw them together and have that mental image. I'm sorry you're going through this. Hugs x

You can change your surname. If it makes you feel better, double barrel it then drop it once it's not an issue but really, it is already not an issue. You don't have to have the same as the kids as I am assuming they have his. I'm changing mine as soon as I have moved house. It's easier to wait until then for all the paperwork. My children are young adults and one has changed their name already and nine mind if I don't have the same. It wouldn't surprise me if the others change theirs once I do.

I had so many questions and it wasn't easy as he wouldn't reply. They were going round my head until I knew they always would until I verbalised them. I got very little back, it was 100% impossible to justify what he said, but he has to hear my words.

Today is my first one since I divorced, second since we split and his first with his "new" woman. Fuck them all.

I think its hace. I'm getting flashbacks of seeing them and the cup he was holding. I feel worst today then since I found out. Seems to hit me really hard today.