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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Cheating pain

108 replies

superplumb · 31/01/2025 16:51

So afyer 27 years I caught my husband cheating. He said he met her a month ago amd asked for her number. He offered to show me text messages to prove the date.
She booked a hotel on thr 31st dec and paid for it and they had sex. The lies he told me. He even convinced me to change medication over Xmas as I was 'paranoid' he shotef at me when I questioned certain things and made me feel guilty. He swore on the kids lives that he was cheating. He held me while I sobbed saying I feel like il going mad because of my worries about him cheating.
I just feel sick, shit about myself and the pain is unbelievable. I checked his dash cam for one day and he even deleted thr last image which shows him going to a car park to meet her.
We had sex still and even booked a night away for his birthday. We went out the day before woth the kids and had a good time.
When does the pain end. I just can't function. We have two children aged 9 and 11. They've not taken it well i don't think they have processed it.
I've had to block him because I'm messaging him asking him questions wanting detial but he's ignoring me. But I also don't want the details because it hurts more. I'm a mess. I just need positive stories because right now I want to jump in front of a bus.
The other week he came home with a bag of sweets. He told me that a bloke at work got them for the kids becdue he knew they liked them. I knew this was lie. Middle aged men dont do thus for men's children. Turns out it was her. Thus makes me feel sick.
Thanks to medication changed for my 'paranoia ' I've not been well and told him I didn't want to be alone thus sat when he was meant to be going out bowling. He said to get my mim round if I was unwell. He wasnt wiling to cancel it. Yep..she's booked a hotel for them both. I just keep getting intrusive thoughts.
Ive also posted in relationships but that's quiet atm
Any advice welcome. I just cannot stand the pain. The flashbacks of seeing them both sat there. I jist feel sick.

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 09/02/2025 16:43

Break it down. What is confusing you?

Original poster
superplumb · 09/02/2025 17:18

2025willbemytime · 09/02/2025 16:43

Break it down. What is confusing you?

I love him but hate whqt he is now. He used to be so honest crap at lying. It used to be an in joke with us how crap he was at it. Now he's a master and seemed to enjoy the sneaking around. I don't recognise him. It's like his brain has been changed with someone else's and I don't understand why he did it . I thought I knew him so well over the 27 years. To make it worse the date I caught him is the date of the anniversary he asked me out when we were 18.
I just cant handle the pain

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 09/02/2025 19:44

I am going to assume you love cake or cats. 🎂 🐈. Do you love these? No, of course you don't as they are not real.

The man you thought he was, is not real so there is nothing to love. I a, sure you'll think it is not that simple but why not? You could just decide it is. You have power over your own mind and heart. Harness and use it.

Original poster
superplumb · 10/02/2025 07:10

Bad day yesterday. Hes so transactional. He won't answer my questions when I ask why he did this to me. Makes the pain worse

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 10/02/2025 07:54

Of course he won't as then he has to admit what a pig he's been. Mine treated me so badly, as if I'd done what he'd done. I couldn't make any sense of it. Apparently it's because he is so guilt ridden he was projecting. Makes no sense to me and I decided there was no point trying to work it out. Just as there is no point trying to understand why he's been so awful with my - no longer our to me - children. I thought if I could understand it it wouldn't hurt so much. It was pointed out I can't understand it as there is no understanding how a father can treat his children so badly.

I think it would help you if you gave him no more head space and concentrated on healing yourself and planning your future.

File for divorce. It is better if you do it than him.

icanatilldancetowhigfield · 10/02/2025 08:07

It took me three years to recover so it would be unfair of anyone to expect you to be feeling any better already! It is total hell to go through and you feel so unbalanced and rootless. I found it terrifying and did feel unstable at times.

You need to gather good friends around you. Talk it over with them. Don't confide your feelings to him. It's so hard but you need to put up those barriers and keep to them.

Focus on your kids and take comfort from them.

Original poster
superplumb · 10/02/2025 08:15

2025willbemytime · 10/02/2025 07:54

Of course he won't as then he has to admit what a pig he's been. Mine treated me so badly, as if I'd done what he'd done. I couldn't make any sense of it. Apparently it's because he is so guilt ridden he was projecting. Makes no sense to me and I decided there was no point trying to work it out. Just as there is no point trying to understand why he's been so awful with my - no longer our to me - children. I thought if I could understand it it wouldn't hurt so much. It was pointed out I can't understand it as there is no understanding how a father can treat his children so badly.

I think it would help you if you gave him no more head space and concentrated on healing yourself and planning your future.

File for divorce. It is better if you do it than him.

I filed the day after I caught him he's responded already and agreed to the divorce. I just xant stop thinking over ans over of what he told me, how he behaved at home. Everything. It hurts so deeply. Why wasnt I enough, why didn't he fight for us. Why didn't he get on his knees and beg me for forgiveness...because he doesn't love or care about me at all and that hurts after everything we've been through for 27 years.

OP posts:
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 10/02/2025 08:15

superplumb · 10/02/2025 07:10

Bad day yesterday. Hes so transactional. He won't answer my questions when I ask why he did this to me. Makes the pain worse

Never look to the person who caused you pain to ease your pain or even an explanation. It won't happen.

You must become transactional yourself.

Icy.. Polite. Functional.

It's hard but that is your relationship now.

See a solicitor. Start divorce proceedings.

Take back control and become queen of your life. Kick the snivelling adulterous creep to the kerb.

Original poster
superplumb · 10/02/2025 08:16

icanatilldancetowhigfield · 10/02/2025 08:07

It took me three years to recover so it would be unfair of anyone to expect you to be feeling any better already! It is total hell to go through and you feel so unbalanced and rootless. I found it terrifying and did feel unstable at times.

You need to gather good friends around you. Talk it over with them. Don't confide your feelings to him. It's so hard but you need to put up those barriers and keep to them.

Focus on your kids and take comfort from them.

My kids are hard work. Autistic and I'm doing ot all on my own now. He'll pop up for trips to McDonald's of course. I jist hate that he's telling the ow stuff he used to tell me.

OP posts:
Original poster
superplumb · 10/02/2025 08:17

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 10/02/2025 08:15

Never look to the person who caused you pain to ease your pain or even an explanation. It won't happen.

You must become transactional yourself.

Icy.. Polite. Functional.

It's hard but that is your relationship now.

See a solicitor. Start divorce proceedings.

Take back control and become queen of your life. Kick the snivelling adulterous creep to the kerb.

Show quote history

Yeah I filed the day after. I wish I could be transactional. But I'm such a mess I jist cant. I want answers but I don't want them. People say this can take years to get over but I can't wait that long. I won't manage this. I was in a bad place before I found out

OP posts:
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 10/02/2025 08:23

Also he's rewritten history.

He won't beg or do any of that forgiveness stuff. At least not yet.

You crack on. In terms of wondering why he's done this, it's because he could.

Let him.

What can you do now? You can do far better things with your life. And leave him behind.

Original poster
superplumb · 10/02/2025 08:25

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 10/02/2025 08:23

Also he's rewritten history.

He won't beg or do any of that forgiveness stuff. At least not yet.

You crack on. In terms of wondering why he's done this, it's because he could.

Let him.

What can you do now? You can do far better things with your life. And leave him behind.

I'm so worried about being alone, money, having to deal woth thr kids alone. Jist even evenings being alone on the sofa

OP posts:
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 10/02/2025 08:31

Well you know, being alone is great.

You can do what you want when you want.

And you know that you can rely on yourself not to betray you or hurt you. Your ex was quite ruthless about lying and betraying you. He can't do that again.

Money is always a worry for most people despite what you read on MN.

Do you work? Is there anything you can train on or work on to improve your outlook?

You can do this. You doubt yourself because you haven't done it alone yet. But you can and you will.
You're very bruised and upset. Take some time.

Original poster
superplumb · 10/02/2025 08:55

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 10/02/2025 08:31

Well you know, being alone is great.

You can do what you want when you want.

And you know that you can rely on yourself not to betray you or hurt you. Your ex was quite ruthless about lying and betraying you. He can't do that again.

Money is always a worry for most people despite what you read on MN.

Do you work? Is there anything you can train on or work on to improve your outlook?

You can do this. You doubt yourself because you haven't done it alone yet. But you can and you will.
You're very bruised and upset. Take some time.

Yeah I work full time. I'm pretty much doing all childcare solo so I'm limited to what I can do now. Always have to do school pick up whereas he used to do those.

OP posts:
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 10/02/2025 09:26

God you're amazing.

Knocked over and blindsided. Yet here you are keeping it all together for your dcs and keeping your job.

So impressive.

You ARE doing it.

Original poster
superplumb · 10/02/2025 10:47

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 10/02/2025 09:26

God you're amazing.

Knocked over and blindsided. Yet here you are keeping it all together for your dcs and keeping your job.

So impressive.

You ARE doing it.

Well I've been.signed off atm

OP posts:
SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 10/02/2025 11:59

And that's ok.

Original poster
superplumb · 10/02/2025 12:30

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 10/02/2025 11:59

And that's ok.

I'm really not keeping it together. I'm in a dark place. People.keep telling me time heals but I can't see it. Hes all I've known.

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 10/02/2025 13:21

superplumb · 10/02/2025 08:15

I filed the day after I caught him he's responded already and agreed to the divorce. I just xant stop thinking over ans over of what he told me, how he behaved at home. Everything. It hurts so deeply. Why wasnt I enough, why didn't he fight for us. Why didn't he get on his knees and beg me for forgiveness...because he doesn't love or care about me at all and that hurts after everything we've been through for 27 years.

Show quote history

It isn't anything about you. You're not the inadequate one here. Even my son told his father if he wasn't happy he should have talked to me or left, not done and said what he did.

Some men just aren't up to the job and will put everything before showing humility or vulnerability.

This isn't about expecting you to be over it in five minutes. It's about not giving too much time to pointless things. And he is pointless.

Original poster
superplumb · 10/02/2025 13:35

2025willbemytime · 10/02/2025 13:21

It isn't anything about you. You're not the inadequate one here. Even my son told his father if he wasn't happy he should have talked to me or left, not done and said what he did.

Some men just aren't up to the job and will put everything before showing humility or vulnerability.

This isn't about expecting you to be over it in five minutes. It's about not giving too much time to pointless things. And he is pointless.

Show quote history

I jist wish i was enough. Ivd never felt so shit about myself in my life.

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 10/02/2025 14:42

It's not because you weren't enough. It's because he wasn't man enough to speak to you and say what was going on for him. Stop seeking validation from a man whose opinion is worth nothing.

Original poster
superplumb · 10/02/2025 14:53

2025willbemytime · 10/02/2025 14:42

It's not because you weren't enough. It's because he wasn't man enough to speak to you and say what was going on for him. Stop seeking validation from a man whose opinion is worth nothing.

It's not that easy.

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 10/02/2025 15:01

I know it can be hard but what is the alternative? I've been there. I've had my heart broken. But you comet live the rest if your life like this so don't waste too much more. I think you should seek professional help.

Original poster
superplumb · 10/02/2025 15:13

2025willbemytime · 10/02/2025 15:01

I know it can be hard but what is the alternative? I've been there. I've had my heart broken. But you comet live the rest if your life like this so don't waste too much more. I think you should seek professional help.

I seeing a counsellor. She said its like grief.

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 10/02/2025 15:46

It is grief. It's a loss. The loss of the future you thought you had plus the questioning what has gone before. I got over him in an instant but the pain of his actions doesn't go as quick. I've also probably lost a close friend too and that's harder to deal with.