Cheating pain

[superplumb]

So afyer 27 years I caught my husband cheating. He said he met her a month ago amd asked for her number. He offered to show me text messages to prove the date.
She booked a hotel on thr 31st dec and paid for it and they had sex. The lies he told me. He even convinced me to change medication over Xmas as I was 'paranoid' he shotef at me when I questioned certain things and made me feel guilty. He swore on the kids lives that he was cheating. He held me while I sobbed saying I feel like il going mad because of my worries about him cheating.
I just feel sick, shit about myself and the pain is unbelievable. I checked his dash cam for one day and he even deleted thr last image which shows him going to a car park to meet her.
We had sex still and even booked a night away for his birthday. We went out the day before woth the kids and had a good time.
When does the pain end. I just can't function. We have two children aged 9 and 11. They've not taken it well i don't think they have processed it.
I've had to block him because I'm messaging him asking him questions wanting detial but he's ignoring me. But I also don't want the details because it hurts more. I'm a mess. I just need positive stories because right now I want to jump in front of a bus.
The other week he came home with a bag of sweets. He told me that a bloke at work got them for the kids becdue he knew they liked them. I knew this was lie. Middle aged men dont do thus for men's children. Turns out it was her. Thus makes me feel sick.
Thanks to medication changed for my 'paranoia ' I've not been well and told him I didn't want to be alone thus sat when he was meant to be going out bowling. He said to get my mim round if I was unwell. He wasnt wiling to cancel it. Yep..she's booked a hotel for them both. I just keep getting intrusive thoughts.
Ive also posted in relationships but that's quiet atm
Any advice welcome. I just cannot stand the pain. The flashbacks of seeing them both sat there. I jist feel sick.

Yes he moved out the day I caugjt him. Back to his mummy's . He's never really grown up

Thank you. I came very close to calling someone to take me in. I felt like I was going mad.

Bad morning so far. I've managed to put a wash on but hiding in loo.crying so the kids don't see
I cant get over whqt he djd to me. The lies just keep going qround and around. Like he had a double life.

Hes respondes to the online divorce he didn't hesitate. Part of me wishes he said he didnt want to and begged for forgiveness but I know he wants to leave us all. He's so cold and still with her. The pain isn't going away. It's been 2 weeks and stil just as bad.

It's really normal to have days like this. Is therapy something you can afford to do for a little while? I went when I found out about my ex and his decades of secret affairs. It is incredibly traumatic and something I dont think anyone gets unless they have been there.

I understand how you feel and I promise that things will get better. But you do have to lean on support networks, friends, family, therapist, even GP. Tell people how you feel and help to process it all.

You won't be alone - and of course keep posting here. Sadly a lot of us completely get it and will listen. Take care of yourself

Yeah I'm having counselling. My gp knows and has upped my meds. Friends I think are noe getting bored and not checking in as much. My mum is struggling to cope with me and my dad doesn't understand why I'm crying and not getting angry

My h didn't fight for me either. Wouldn't even give me space. It hurt for a while but I've realised it's him that is failing, not me. He might have a new girlfriend now but he lost the best things he ever had in me and our children. Who I see as mine now. Not ours. Given what I know of the girlfriend they deserve each other.

Oh he's playing the fun dad now. Taking them for ice cream. He never bothered when he was here!! That annoys me. The kids thinking he's all great where I'm am home dealing with them, telling them off fot being naughty..he looks like the good one

Don't fret @superplumb , your kids will soon see who really loves them, who showed up for them, and who just wanted to look good.

He booked days off work to have sex with the ow but you know not once did he book a day's leave to watch humid kids sports day see their plays at school, even when I was ill. But for sex with the slapper..sure no problem.

I’ve been in a similar situation to you and the grief can feel overwhelming. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. Cry (when the kids are in bed). Wail into a pillow. Allow yourself a pity party. But set a time to do this and afterwards make yourself a cup of tea and then have a good think: where do you see yourself in six months, a year, three years time?

Plan it out - write down things you wanted to do and places to go that you didn’t because he didn’t agree.

This will pass and it WILL get better x

Oh and I think when you ask someone what they love / appreciate about you, if they have no substantive answers then that’s the answer - they don’t. They like a cold hearted shark or weasel. Because even if you can’t immediately think of something you don’t want to hurt the person you love so you’d find something meaningful to say.

They barely know each other. It's going to go tits up and gas going to come crawling back. They met and she booked a hotel 3-4 days later? Come on. This is a fuck buddy. He's getting his end wet and he's lost his mind. It's not going to last. Just please remember his lies and gaslighting when this happens

Don't torment yourself with stuff like this. It gets you nowhere. It's all his loss.

I will
I could never forgive this. The lies are somehow worse than the sex. Thing is, we did have sex!!

From what I saw ( in a car early) she wasn't even amazing looking and is similar age to me so he hasn't even levelled up so a fuxk buddy..I guess if men are that desperate and women are so short of attention with low self esteem then I guess so.
Id never take him back. They're welcome to each other.

@superplumb you are just hurting yourself with all this talk. He's a twat. So you're well rid of him. Don't waste anymore time wondering why or what he's doing.

I divorced my husband last year after being with him for 27 years so I know about heartbreak and divorce. Let it all go and move forward. It is so much better there.

edited for typo.

I know all this but it's hard to move on isnt it after sp long with someone

What's the alternative @superplumb ? I can't think of anything worse than what my now ex h did to cause me to divorce him which hurt like hell. But I refuse to give him another second of my thought time. You have to just decide no more. If you wait it out eventually you'll get over it but it could take a really long time. You have autonomy and you have brain power. Use it.

Completely agree with @2025willbemytime

its hurts. Like hell. It’s not about ignoring or denying that or minimising it.

its about taking control of your mind. that’s why I don’t like it on mn about all this ‘get angry’ talk. It serves to fuel your own emotions leading to resentment, bitterness, inability to move on with YOUR life.

I’ve seen in my own family the bitterness consuming someone even 30 years later. And it hasn’t one but impacted the other person who moved on with their lives but impacted almost all of theirs.

yes you can acknowledge the hurt, the anger etc but you can chose what to do with it.

he may regret it. He may not. Not your concern. It may be a fuck buddy or not. Not your concern

and while it hurts you re the children, the best thing for them is to be able to have a great relationship with both parents, who are not at war and while not friends, can be civil if not friendly.

I need to do the grey rock thing but it's hard. One min I imagine he comes back grovelling and we try again, then I realise he is still woth her so doesn't want to come back, or maybe he realises I wouldn't take him back anyway so he may as well stay with her.
Then minute later I think fuck him..I won't fogorve or forget.
Tbh I'm not sure I could face telling friends family that I was so weak I gave him another chance. I'm not sure they'd talk to me again!

Don't do what you want because someone else might not talk to you. That's given power to someone who shouldn't have it. The only person who should have the power to dictate your life is YOU. No one should tell you what to do with your life but if you're considering asking him back, please think about getting some therapy first to work out why you think he's all you deserve, the best you can do. A very close friend of mine got on her knees to ask her ex to come back and it devastated me that she thought that was a good thing to do.

It's a moment if weakness really i love him but hate him
When I think about it he brings very little to my life or our marriage. I just dont know why I feel like this. Fear of the future? Being very different? Being alone? Maybe all of thr above i don't know but I couldn't trust again with the lies he told and the extent he went to

You can’t turn feelings off like a tap. You loved him and still do.

but you can chose how you act or let them control you going forward. And you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. That path to recovery is long, and there will be bumps along the way, but from now on you get to decide. All I’m saying is don’t let the feelings of anger/resentment/bitterness and emotional turmoil consume and control your life.

I have loved two men in my life. Then one opened his mouth and it was like a switch. I stopped loving him in that moment. A friend tried to encourage me to believe I could work through it and in the moment I thought maybe I still love him. I think it was fear though and I soon realised I didn't even like him. It's gone. Wouldn't care if I heard he died and I doubt his kids would much if at all.

Really consider whether this is love. Love from him. No. Love for him, why? Work through it all and you'll get where you need to be but I think some help would be productive.

I dont know
I'm so confused.