Christmas arguments already 😒

[Spottingtwerps]

My husband and I have been separated for nearly 2 years. We have a 2.5 yo. The last 2 Christmases we've spent the day together with DD. It's been perfectly pleasant and neither of us missed out on anything.

Earlier this year, in Sept, he said he wanted to take DD to (another country) where his family lives, without me, just him. He said for Christmas. I was sort of ok with it but we had no discussions or conversations. He'd mentioned it but nothing else had been said. I wondered if he'd changed his mind.

Today, out of the blue, in a conversation about something else he just blurted out that he'd booked it and was going. He gave me the dates and said that was that, he was going and taking DD. It amounts to DD being away from me for a week incl Christmas eve and Christmas Day.

I am both furious and devastated. Furious that there was no discussion about exactly when, which dates, how long for, what did I want, did I have any plans for her, when was I off work etc etc. Nothing. Obviously devastated to be simply told when my DD will be away and I appear in his view to have no say.

He says his mother has not had a Christmas with her grand daughter so far but, I've only had two! DD is and will be my only child. MiL has multiple children, the number of grand children is in double figures, has some great grand children. Decades of Christmases with all.

We've had a massive row unsurprisingly (not in earshot of DD) and I've had to explicitly say, he does not have my consent to take DD abroad.

There's no agreement in place, no court order. We're separated, not divorced. Have had pretty amicable arrangements up until now, flexible towards one another and informal. I've invited him to every significant date/occasion/event in DDs life. No real problems up until now except occasional clash of diaries.

Am I wrong to feel so aggrieved? Isn't it perfectly reasonable to expect a discussion of when and how long he'd be away for?

Does a grandmother's desire to spend Christmas Day with a grand child trump a mother's (I'd go as far as to say need) to spend it with her only baby? Why am I sacrificing a Christmas for this woman and why do I have to compete?

But he only sees her once a fortnight anyway, every other weekend, so you wouldn't be depriving him or her for a week, it would be the normal interval of visits. That is entirely different for taking her away from you, her primary care giver, for 8 days when she's usually with you 12 days out of every 14.

He's definitely the one who needs to step down or compromise here.

Those with EOW care do quite often have full weeks in the holidays, though.

(That's not ignoring the fact that the guy has been a twat booking flights without checking and confirming!)

It was my starting point but it's not his. These are all his arguments or reasons etc that I am coming up against. His family have a huge influence on him, disproportionately and unhealthily so. He is unable to separate issues and think clearly if they're involved, which they undoubtedly are, when he says, I'm stuck in the middle.

If yr x mil wants to see yr child she can travel to u.

Just tell him no it’s not happening.

This is the start of alternating Christmases.

As a child I hated shuttling back and forth during the Christmas period and would much rather have stayed put for the entire festive period.

Kids don’t really miss their parents over Christmas as they’re having too much fun. The shuttling and phone calls are for the parent’s benefit.

Next year when it’s your turn she’ll be much more cognisant of the whole thing so you get her first real Christmas.

I'd be really worried about this OP. How do you know he'll bring your DD back to the UK? It wouldn't be the first time a father had basically abducted his child.

The trouble is, now that he's booked it, if you say no it's going to be your fault that his mum and sister don't get their way. Which means they will give him grief which will undoubtedly sour the amicable co-parenting your DD has been benefiting from. He will tell them he did everything including booking flights, leaving out the bit about not asking you first, and he'll have to go back and tell them you've withheld her passport. They will have no kind words about you when letting him know what they think of that.

This is what cowards do. He won't have the balls to confess to them that he booked everything without asking you first. Just like he didn't have the balls to talk to you first.

But, it's only a problem if you care about what his mum and sister think of you. In your shoes I'd be making it abundantly clear to him that without their interference you were getting along just fine, DD was doing just fine, but now that they've inserted themselves into your parenting of your child and he hasn't told them they're to stay behind the lines the two of you have drawn, it's all a shitshow. They're his mother and his sister, he has to deal with them. They're not your responsibility. She's your child and that's the beginning and end of it as far as you're concerned. You're willing to accommodate and compromise but that takes discussion and he hasn't seen fit to have one with you. So, tough shit. he can take his cowardly little self and go ask him mum to lick his wounds better.

You are absolutely spot on. This is it exactly. His sister has had a significant hand in the failure of our marriage, only made possible by a cowardly husband of course. They can do no wrong and I'm always the trouble causer. Ironically, I've not ever done or said anything bad or negative to any of them but they all still hate me. I'm bothered to some extent but also not. They're a disgrace sticking their noses in, instead of letting people just get on with their Iives and marriages. His family is absolutely massive.

Bossy, jealous sister plus cowardly brother equals me losing out and unable to fight back, forever. Poor DD is in the middle and none of them are thinking about her, who is innocent and matters most.

You've made a few assumptions there. He isn't from the country he wants to go to, he was born here in the UK. His mum was born there but left at 16, she returned there when she retired. Lived here longer than there. The culture is very much similar, language, religion, food etc. No vast differences. DD will not be absorbing a wonderful other culture to enrich her life. She'll be stuck in the back of beyond, in a kitchen on a wooden chair in a room with no view, all day. They might go out once or twice but that will be all. There's nowhere to go. ExH actually hates going there, it depresses him. He moans the whole time.

Separate Christmases might be common of course with divorced parents but it's a good idea to actually get agreement for the plans, dates, times etc and not do it unilaterally and then just announce it as a done deal.

I think you need to put your foot down now, it's too late for him to take her without your consent this year, he can move the flights to another them. but be prepared he may be prompted to formalize the child arrangements which will probably mean you have to take turns with Xmas and bdays.

You might need to go to mediation for support with a parenting plan.

It's not realistic to think you'll never want to take her away for a week without him, will you never want a holiday without your ex there?

I did make some assumptions yes just based on info I didn't feel was super clear but fair enough if he doesn't have a strong connection to the place they probably don't need to go at Christmas
But another time with discussion and planning from your both would probably make more sense.

Sorry if I missed it, but what country is it?
I I realise this is not the issue but it would be a huge factor for me.

I purposefully haven't mentioned it. It is a signatory to the Hague Convention though.

From the info you’ve given us I’d say he’s been clumsy and daft ( and v v weak to be so under the influence of his family) but not manipulative and planning to abduct her.

Rather than go in all guns blazing, I’d suggest acknowledging that he had mentioned it to you and that you didnt raise any objections at the time. But explain this was because you were expecting a follow up conversation , not to be presented with a done deal. Then explain why his arrangements dont work for you and your daughter ( keep your views about his family out of it) and table a compromise. Let his reaction tell you what to do next, but ultimately , if you still feel uncomfortable you can say “ In that case, Im sorry you dont have my permission this time”.

Based on what she's said, the only possible country that I can think of is Ireland.

I would never in a million year have let my 2 year old spend a week without me . And definitely not in another country.

He is mad to think you should agree to this.
As others have said . Stick to no and keep her passport . And anything else you can do to prevent it

Hello no not a chance