Partner does not like child

[NikitaNic]

I’m after some advice or similar situations. My partner of 6 years has taken a dislike to one of my children as he’s grown older. We have different parenting styles. He feels I should be more strict. He calls my children unruly and delinquent. He has been lovely with them when they were younger, my eldest is now 13, going through an awkward phase, wanting to spend more time in his room, huffing and puffing about doing a chore a day. Maybe an eye roll here and there, he does do the chore but would obviously prefer not to. My partner feels he is very rude, he’s very old school and will tell him off for even leaving a cup out. My partner has been nit picking at him I’ve noticed over the last few months. It all came to a head and my partner shouted at him the other week. My son has told me he feels uncomfortable when I’m not around and that he doesn't like him anymore.
ive discussed this with my partner and asked him to try and spend more time together to rebuild the relationship, he is refusing and says I need to be more strict and this is the issue. Children should listen and it’s up to my son to put more effort in. I disagree and think this should first come from the adult. Just for context my partner fell out with his son at a simliar age and has not seen him for two years and again has been stubborn when I’ve asked him to try and make amends with his own son he says it should come from his son. My son has been trying as well, doing his chores and homework when he’s comes home, trying to be more chatty with my partner, I’ve noticed the effort he has put in but my partner says he hasn’t noticed a change. This has been going on a few weeks now, I’ve told my partner this can’t carry on and needs to be resolved. I will always put the children first and have said if this can’t be resolved we will have to part ways ? Thoughts

Get him out of your son's life. Don't have a negative adult who doesn't like your child in your house.

Your penultimate sentence is my advice.

The fact that he hasn't seen his own son for two years is a massive red flag. That shows this isn't going to get any better. You have to finish it OP, or your DC will end up hating you as well as him.

You need to dump him immediately and get him out of your son’s life.

edited for spelling

Your poor son. I think this will affect him emotionally and you have to protect him. It's really tricky though as it sounds like there is no hope of your partner changing since he rejected his own son. I would be looking to live separately so you can keep him away from your son. The teens are a difficult time and he needs to feel relaxed in his own home

You've given the (correct) ultimatum, now you have to stick with it.
I'm a single parent and definitely in the majority mumsnet view when it comes to children and new partners. It's just not fair that your child is having to put up with this. He even sounds like he's started appeasing the sulky man(child) now. Not OK.

I couldn't have someone like that around my child. He's proven he can't deal with older children with his own son and now there is a pattern forming. He will undoubtedly be the same with your other child(ren) in due course. He sounds incredibly immature.

Edited to add: please listen to your son when he says he feels uncomfortable around this man.

I think it's clear what needs to be done. His attitude towards your son is disgusting.

Your son deserves to feel safe in his own home.

Partner is wrong and has not got good parenting skills. He either takes this on board and tries to do better, or you split up.
Your son is a totally normal adolescent, very much on the mild side at the moment. Could be much wilder and more difficult and partner would blow a gasket! Don't let it get to that stage!

Your partner’s parenting has done a cracking job of estranging him from his own son; if you stay with him he’ll do the same job with your son. Your son has one childhood and you get one go at raising each child to adulthood. Don’t let your son down for a man.

Your partner isn’t listening to you and if he promises to try harder through gritted teeth as a result of an ultimatum, he’s going to dislike your son even more for “winning”.

You need to either separate and go back to dating without inflicting this man on your children or end the relationship.

I guess you are parting ways then. He treats your son badly and you have proof it goes badly by what happened with his own son. Off he needs to go.

Get rid. A grown man unable to be nice to a child?? PLUS doesn’t see his own child? Ew ew and more eww. Gross.

So your poor son is making an effort but your boyfriend isnt?
Get rid.

Agree 1000%

100% end this relationship!
This will not get any better, your BF has no capacity to show love to his own children let alone toward your son and this will get ever worse.
If you don't leave I promise you will look back and regret that you didn't put your child first.

"Just for context my partner fell out with his son at a simliar age and has not seen him for two years and again has been stubborn when I’ve asked him to try and make amends with his own son he says it should come from his son"

You answer is right there.
Why would you risk losing your own so ?
Your partner is emotionally retarded and IMHO no parent should EVER put an adult before their child in this scenario. Get rid of your partner before he does any more damage.

Your poor son is being forced to live with an adult who openly dislikes him.

Your 13 year old son is working hard to make a grown man like him.

You need to end this relationship now and get him out of your house. Put your son first.

This. He has shown how crap a parent be is don't let him impact your children.

He can't even love his own son, why would he love yours? He's pathetic. Get him out of your lives. He's already done damage to your son. Why let it continue?

Get rid of him. He is a controlling arsehole who does not even see his own child. Your child deserves better and so do you.

I'm sorry your partner has turned into a controlling manipulative wanker but for your sons sake leave!

Dump.

Something about these boys ages / behaviour is reminding him of something in his own childhood dynamic he was uncomfortable with. He could explore that and that might change his thought patterns but it would take a lot of work and he does not sound willing if he hasn’t seen his son for 2 years. I feel for you, this is a difficult situation as you have been with him for a long time. But ultimately he seems too emotionally immature to put children first. It’s sadly relatively common.

I am sorry, what a difficult position. I’d definitely be choosing my kids in that situation and it does not seem your partner can be reasoned with. He even sacrificed his relationship with his son to be “right.”

The fact that you put this on the Divorce/separation board instead of Relationships is very telling. I think you know what to do. It’s sad, but you can’t allow your son to be subjected to this.