Partner does not like child

[NikitaNic]

I’m after some advice or similar situations. My partner of 6 years has taken a dislike to one of my children as he’s grown older. We have different parenting styles. He feels I should be more strict. He calls my children unruly and delinquent. He has been lovely with them when they were younger, my eldest is now 13, going through an awkward phase, wanting to spend more time in his room, huffing and puffing about doing a chore a day. Maybe an eye roll here and there, he does do the chore but would obviously prefer not to. My partner feels he is very rude, he’s very old school and will tell him off for even leaving a cup out. My partner has been nit picking at him I’ve noticed over the last few months. It all came to a head and my partner shouted at him the other week. My son has told me he feels uncomfortable when I’m not around and that he doesn't like him anymore.
ive discussed this with my partner and asked him to try and spend more time together to rebuild the relationship, he is refusing and says I need to be more strict and this is the issue. Children should listen and it’s up to my son to put more effort in. I disagree and think this should first come from the adult. Just for context my partner fell out with his son at a simliar age and has not seen him for two years and again has been stubborn when I’ve asked him to try and make amends with his own son he says it should come from his son. My son has been trying as well, doing his chores and homework when he’s comes home, trying to be more chatty with my partner, I’ve noticed the effort he has put in but my partner says he hasn’t noticed a change. This has been going on a few weeks now, I’ve told my partner this can’t carry on and needs to be resolved. I will always put the children first and have said if this can’t be resolved we will have to part ways ? Thoughts

I had an ex whose step dad was like this , just horrible to be around. It fucked up every relationship my ex ever had. Don't expose your son to this.

Partner needs to fuck off frankly.

If this is your house and you are not married I would ask this man child to leave.
He appears to struggle with adolescents and makes no effort with his own son. He's playing out a control scenario where he is top dog and that's it.
If he can't handle teenagers that is worrying because the next stage is bullying. If you have daughters that could turn into coercive behaviour.
If you got together with little children (but potty trained, sleepers etc) the hard work was done. If it's your house it's funny how these men fall in love so quickly!
I have two grown up DC (21/25) and the teenage years were the hardest. Living with a sulking control freek (a cup on the side) is detrimental to everyone's mental health. This will get worse not better.

Your poor DS! Imagine having no choice but to live with someone who makes it clear they don't like you and takes every opportunity to have a go at you.

You at least have a choice about who you live with - get this unpleasant specimen out asap.

Get him out asap

Boot him out and make sure your son never feels like it was his fault. Because it wasn't - he's done this before so was always going to do it again as soon as DS became a teenager.

I'm guessing your soon to be ex partner is one of those guys hung up on "respect". There is a brilliant quote that nails down the mentality of these type of men:

Sometimes people use "respect" to mean "treating someone like a person" and sometimes to mean "treating someone like an authority"

For some, "if you don't respect me, I won't respect you" means "if you don't treat me like an authority, I won't treat you like a person"

He's already starting to dehumanise your son.

He wants you to himself so you look after him, focus your time on him. At best he’s a man baby who prob needs therapy (was he close to his own mum?) Not your job to fix him.

if you don’t want it to end, reduce contact but honestly, you and your son deserve better

It's funny how it's always the boyfriend wanting to be more strict on the women's kids isn't it, never seen a post on here the other way round. I'd tell him to back the fuck off or he'd be out on his arse. They are your kids and it's their home ffs.

I will always put the children first

But you're not

When will you start?

Actually, I often see women complaining their partners don't parent or discipline their (the man's) children. The big difference is that the SM does not step in and do it instead!

OP do you really honestly need to ask, really?

Your instinct with your ultimatum was correct so stick with it. The teenage years are hard enough without your mum having a boyfriend who hates you.

Ultimatum - this is my son’s house first and foremost. He will not be made to feel anything but welcome and at ease in HIS home. Change your approach immediately or off you go. No second chances, no time, no compromise.
I wouldn’t tolerate his attitude for a millisecond.

Dump him - the wanker of a partner I mean.

Firstly, can I say what a horrible situation this is for you and secondly I think, so far, you have handled this really well. You have done everything right, by sitting down and talking like an adult to your partner about this and how it is affecting both you and your son. However, I agree with most other posters here in that this man seems unlikely to 'budge' or change his ways and seems unwilling to try to get along with your son. He seems to think its his way or nothing so this situation will not go away and will continue unless you do something about it.

The fact your DS has been trying, on his part, to make things better and the adult in the situation has made no effort at all is quite sad. I felt for your DS when he said that he now feels uncomfortable around him and no longer wants to be in his company. Like someone else said, this is your DS's home, first and foremost and he must take priority here. If your partner is not willing to accept that he is part of the problem and meet your DS half way then you have no choice but to ask him to move out. Your relationship can continue if you wish, it doesn't have to end, but at least your DS will feel he can be himself in his own home.

For the record, you are correct. Your DS is being a normal teen and his behavior is very very typical for that age. He doesn't sound any different to any teen I have ever known, including my own! They are hard work and can be difficult to live with. Your DP obviously can't handle this stage of childhood. I think you will all be happier all round if you lived separate from one another.

So another putting man before child

Genuine question, why on earth didn't you kick him out after he abandoned his own child?

You have no choice but to ask him to leave

Agreed this is likely. But sadly you have done all you can, made clear to him what has to change and given him a chance to develop some insight into this being a ‘him’ issue. Your son only has one childhood though and he doesn’t have time to wait for this man to develop insight he seems unwilling/unable to develop.

Your partner needs to go. That is quite an astounding level of arrogance that his son is not in contact with him, but he thinks he is the authority on parenting.

There is no reasoning with that level of density.

He sounds incredibly insecure and threatened by boys once they start turning into men and becoming a similar size and strength to him. You don’t need that tiresome dynamic in your home, and they don’t need a random constantly challenging them to antler fights over the washing up when they are trying to study and run their social lives….

I think she is just about to. Sometimes its not just as simple as kicking someone out.

She has done the sensible thing first and tried to resolve things and see if things can be improved by talking things through with her DP. Sometimes just by sitting down and talking about things, people can see how their actions affect others and change can happen (I know as I have been in the same situation myself) This doesn't appear to be happening here however and the OP is now at a point where nothing else has worked so she has come to a crunch point.

To make sure you have your son in your life your whole life, get rid or your partner.

Petulance and rigidity in adults are extremely ugly traits. Ultimatum time. Your son must come first.

Get him the fuck out of your child's life. Can't believe you need to ask this.