Has anyone been successful in fighting 50/50 custody?

[Sarahd3342]

Hi,

If anyone here has been successful in fighting off 50/50 custody please could you explain how you did it?
I have got some arguments which include that I work part time (he will say his hours are flexible and they are but they are still ft), that I have all school holidays off, that I have a history of caring for our child during all holidays, that it would be disruptive to his routine, that I am closer to his school etc, that I am better at providing for her needs etc. but I don't think it's enough. There were some safeguarding concerns on his part and he has to do a parenting course but he will do that and he is on his best behaviour. I also don't know what to submit in terms of evidence. It says I have a few pages I can submit to he court...of what. To build my case as to why I am so worthy?

For anyone that has got this far, please do not comment if you are saying "why shouldn't he get 50/50?" It is not helpful. I believe that he should see our child as much as he can but the thought of our child having "2 homes" and 2 routines sickens me - our child will not cope with the disruption.

@5050canwormkwell oh yes I see, that's like the dream if decent safe parents separate!

@Sarahd3342 thank you. I feel that there will definitely be a point when I want to say 'ok that's enough now let's stop increasing' and if it's at less than 50/50 he'll go to court and will be closer by then so it will be less of a change. Will wait and see. It's hard when he doesn't communicate well and is still extremely volatile I don't see how we could coparent properly.

I have a similar hole in my wall, though I do have some proof in the form of what our eldest witnessed.

That sort of arrangement would be worth seeing my kids less @5050canwormkwell. It would be so much better for my kids to have what your DC does and my life would be far easier if their dad was capable of being a half decent parent let alone a real co-parent.

I don't think there's an inherent problem with 50/50 but it doesn't tend to work well if the parents can't share the load and both parent 50/50. I think 50/50 can be hard on some kids, especially if there's SN or MH issues, some kids need that base, but they're more likely to need that if there has been a toxic environment or abuse. I think if that need is there its often a symptom of why 50/50 wont work. My friend has 100% custody, it's not in her best interests, but it is in her kids. DC dad is less clear cut, not bad enough that they'd be better off without him in their lives, but there are still ongoing issues and harm from his behaviour. It would be better for my health if he could have them more, but it's not an option because of the damage that would cause to them.

The more he does the better he will get at parenting
He does not get to have every weekend off.
Consistency and routine is best for child. That could be one week on one off which can work fine for tweens teens

But if strong evidence of adverse behaviour of course that might count to a slow build up

What you need is a counter proposal that makes him solidly responsible for 50% of the work so no he doesn't get to leave you with your daughter until 5pm and return her at 9am no he doesn't get every weekend off reason being you have a right to a social life and you are not childcare and as your expecting to maximise your income you too might need to work in the holidays (you could tutor?) Set out your Christmas/birthday/Easter expectations even mothers day and your birthday expectations who pays for school uniform do you alternate or pay back 50% etc etc weigh it as fairly in the child's best interests not his ask if it can be stepped up rather than go right in with 50/50 but make it clear that financially and physically he will be responsible for this child on "HIS" time even sickness cover put it in that you will consult the other parent first for childcare purposes so if he has to be out somewhere and can't change it he asks you first before any girlfriend etc and that should this become regular you will go for a modification of the order

Kill him with details

@Unexpectedlysinglemum well good for you for trying to work with him for now. I see what you mean about being closer to 50/50 and then the court saying it's not too much of a change. We are way off 50/50 atm (no overnights yet) but he is pushing for it constantly.

@Theunamedcat I know. He needs to be overwhelmed with what's involved.

Update: He dragged me through the courts, didn't like the CAfCass report, cross examined the CAfCass officer in a contested final hearing and ended up with a "lives with/spends time" EOW and 1 night for tea. Nearly half the holidays. Numerous reasons cited for failure of 50/50: change in circumstances, mostly been with mother so change would not be good, need for routine, no trust and hostility between parents, young age etc. I emphasised the need for stability/consistency too but I think he/his legal team helped to dig their own hole too.

Edit: posted before I saw the update.

@NameChange34690521478 I think we ended up with a similar outcome. EOW, mid week tea, 2 blocks during summer, 1 at Easter and the rest the same pattern. I hope this will be it but did is so young so he may come back for more in the future. It's good your argument worked. There was quite a a lot on my side to secure this but in the future there might not be.

@Sarahd3342

Congratulations! It must have been so hard and draining. Great its behind you now.

Can I ask - as you mentioned before you were asking for spousal maintenance. Did you manage to get it?

A friend is thinking about divorce but is quite afraid as it’ll take her time to get back to employment.

What was your experience with how courts view spousal these days - I understand its less common.

@jsku Well it has been hard. I feel like he was silly to drag me through the courts because had we have been able to work this out together I would have been keen for him to pick up little one from school a few times a week but I feel we have to follow the court order until things are calm/settled. But he was unrelenting with the 50/50 so I had to fight. He will probably take me back in the future.

With regards to spousal the judge at the FDR was in full favour of it in our case and actually recommended a global order for 7 years as I still had bills to pay were his words. And with it being 7 years it means that my ex will get his clean break then with the idea I would be able to increase my hours by then. I think it helps that little one is so young still and wraparound childcare is so expensive that any increases I have before primary school is over would likely just get swallowed up by that. It's also expensive where we live so not much equity in the house in relation to being able to buy, my ex has a huge mortgage raising capacity whereas I have a tiny one etc. we are yet to agree on anything so will let you know how the final hearing goes...could be very different!

Good luck!

Out of interest was your judge a man or woman?

How did his legal team dig their own hole what did they do?

@Unexpectedlysinglemum It was a man! As soon as my barrister said "he" I was like "Ohh nooo ffs, it will be a misogynist!!" And he was like "don't think that, sometimes the older male judges have old fashioned views that the mum should be looked after." Incidentally, the magistrates were all men for the final child hearing too.

In the child proceedings his barrister argued with the magistrates immediately which they didn't like and the barrister's manner was aggressive and argumentative throughout. My DH's position statement wasn't very good either, only a bit child focused but more about himself. I know at some point he will go back to the courts for more time and I just have to hope he presents himself in the same way again unless he genuinely does have a personality transplant between now and then and that can only be good for our child so more time could actually work in the future!!