Has anyone been successful in fighting 50/50 custody?

[Sarahd3342]

Hi,

If anyone here has been successful in fighting off 50/50 custody please could you explain how you did it?
I have got some arguments which include that I work part time (he will say his hours are flexible and they are but they are still ft), that I have all school holidays off, that I have a history of caring for our child during all holidays, that it would be disruptive to his routine, that I am closer to his school etc, that I am better at providing for her needs etc. but I don't think it's enough. There were some safeguarding concerns on his part and he has to do a parenting course but he will do that and he is on his best behaviour. I also don't know what to submit in terms of evidence. It says I have a few pages I can submit to he court...of what. To build my case as to why I am so worthy?

For anyone that has got this far, please do not comment if you are saying "why shouldn't he get 50/50?" It is not helpful. I believe that he should see our child as much as he can but the thought of our child having "2 homes" and 2 routines sickens me - our child will not cope with the disruption.

No, I wasn't successful, though I stopped short of bothering with a court application on legal advice (and I am a lawyer myself).

Facts: I worked part time, ex worked full time in a "big job". Ex never did any childcare, any pick ups, never took any sick days when we were together. I did everything. After leaving me for OW ex decided 50/50 shared care was what should happen. Lawyer explained that the court is not interested in what's in the past, only whether or not the other parent is capable of 50/50 in the present/future.

I was very upset and it felt very unfair. Though, to be fair to ex, it has worked because they totally changed their working practices (which I never thought would happen). I wish this had happened when we were together, would have reduced a lot of the friction in our relationship. But it works well for DC now and that's what matters.

And in my case this was last year. You get a lot of posts on here about people who got the majority of the care of the kids, but that was agreed years ago. In my first divorce, over 10 years ago, the ex got EOW and half the holidays. I think that would be impossible now unless that's all they asked for.

OP, you say his intended plans give him every Friday and Saturday off - please submit fairer plans so that you share those (I think a common one is a mid-week switch over so the child spends a full week in each house)

Since you probably can't fight the 50/50, make it a 50/50 that's fair on you too, and not just everything as he wants at your expense - he needs to be doing a fair share of school runs, clubs, parties etc, and that means he'll need to cover some Fridays/Saturdays too.

What is your current arrangement? I'm surprised by the answers here as my experience of the family court is that they don't like to upset the status quo and moving from EOW to 50;50 is a huge jump.

I would; show examples of recent school /nursery reports that highlight how well DC are doing (why change if they are thriving under the current set up). Include examples of when you've been flexible with extra time. Maybe even suggest your own schedule that includes extra contact with Dad. Ie moving from EOW to EOW + one evening a week.

I wouldn't focus on your exs employment etc too much as you are separated and how DC are cared for on their dad's time is not your business essentially.

I think you need to play him at his own game here. If he wants 50:50 then he has to take every other Fri and Sat night. Plus it’s clearly laid out that he is responsible for sick days when he had her the night before. Once he understands the reality he might change his mind!

Actually it doesn't work that way for all parents. My XH copes ok with our kids for shorter periods of time, but he gets angry and nasty if he has them for longer. Our eldest was happy to go for 3 nights and the occasional 4 when we seperated, it's been less than a year and she now won't go for more than 2 nights because of how he gets when 'stressed'. It really depends on why the safety concerns appear, if XH is left to do his own most of the time, game, relax, he can manage 48 hours without turning into an arse, anything more that starts to interfere with his me time and his right to down time and it's a completely different scenario.

I don't like your point about 'fixed' home. I understand it but if she sees your place as a 'fixed' home she will grow up feeling that she is leaving her home constantly. Where as she should see both houses as homes. Regardless of who has more. Her father isn't temporary.

Equally - why does he want 50/50 if what you say is true about gym/work etc?

In order to demonstrate that your proposal of being the majority carer I would argue against his days. Highlight them as 'convenient' parenting. State that you would want to ensure you both have the opportunity to have weekends with the child. He won't be pleased about the pattern. Expose his pattern for what it is. Ask him to provide a plan of what he'd do if the child was sick, forgot their coat, had a dental appointment. Having her only 50% won't allow you the chance to do all those things with her and have a meaningful relationship. I'd argue for him it's quality vs quantity.

I strongly suspect he wants 50/50 to ensure he doesn't have to pay maintenance

I did.

We had a period of time before court (more than a year) and then during proceeding where I kept a log and proved he was either late or cancelled at least half of all contact and/or returned our child early.

But as with most bullies, my ex just wanted to punish me. He didn't really want the work. We've had eow and one night a week (not overnight) since then.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness this. 100%. He is fine for shorter bursts of time e.g a few hours and out and about - it brings the best out in him. But longer periods, at home and potentially more stressful situations like not eating dinner, bedtime, getting ready to get out in the mornings on time etc. He would turn and that's where the safeguarding concerns emerged. ATM he is out in the community whilst doing a parenting course and then he will be allowed her in his house. And then the court hearing regarding 50/50 after that. She hasn't done an overnight since we separated in June.

I hope it will go down like this.

Are you able to point out that he’s requesting 50/50 but only covering the week rather than the weekend and ask why this is. I mean, really, why is this?

It appears he wants 50/50 but not the quality time with your dd. if he’s an every other week parent, he will actually be getting less not more quality time with your dd. I have never been in this situation. However, I think it would be valid go raise the question to the judge of whether giving 50/50 to a man, who wants that 50/50 but not to cover his main free time is in the best interest of your child.

Right so your best argument is to go in and say that you're not against 50 50 but in the interest of the child this needs to be built up gradually.
As PP said it also needs to be fair. So he can't have every Fri and Sat off. He takes her and he sorts everything, childcare etc he won't get too far either sending her in sick, she's just going to get sent back.
So I'd go back with a plan for how you would work up to 50 50, with a gradual increase of days over time. He may then never actually increase !

I also don't agree with 50/50 OP I think it's only what a parent(s)want not what the children do

I'm fortunate ex husband hasn't pushed the issue with me yet - he doesn't have any overnights at all the moment and can't see he would for another 12-18 months or so (shared accommodation)

But my argument will be the same as others if he does

• established home and routine with me
• they would have to slowly to transition to it from a starting point of 0 as it is now which could take a year by which point my eldest would get a say and I know what she would say!
• prove 50/50 is better - and for the children not for their dad

If you don't think he is capable the only other thing would be if the court goes against you is that he is likely to not go through with it for long once he realises parenting isn't fun days out here and there and then he'll start reducing his days and he won't fight you again

We have a 50/50 shared care arrangement, it's alternate weeks and works really well, any concerns about it being hard for the kids have not come to fruition, they enjoy the arrangement and adapted quickly.

Now they are teens we are reviewing it on their request as ex has recently moved further away and they want to see their friends more. For us though it's amicable so it's a much easier conversation.

I would say though if you have to.go 50/50 then your ex has to do his share of friday/sat nights too he can't just cherry pick so he can party so definitely bring that up and push for what's fair

This is what I was coming to suggest.

Genuine 50/50 = fine

Cherry picked 50/50 that has been carefully wangled to affect his life as little as possible = not fine

Push for the former. Insist he takes an equal split of weekends and holidays.

Will 50 50 not means that the school holiday will also be 50 50?

You cannot use this as a weapon against him though and nor can the court. He has been working full time to facilitate you working part time. You can’t now weaponise that. Why would he take weeks upon weeks of leave when you were off and living together as a couple?

OP, if he is that committed to his work, you may find he is awarded 50:50 but then doesn't like the reality.

My ex did that. He was really only interested in avoiding CM. Now he sees DS 6hrs a week !

So keep track, right from the start, every time your ex wants to swap days or return your child early or turns up late or cancels at the last moment. By the end of the first year, you may have reason to go back to court and have access changed.

I don’t agree with the courts taking 50/50 as the default. Seems idealistic not realistic. Have they actually asked any kids that grew up with 50/50? So many people deciding on this, who themselves got to live in one main home, as kids.
The courts don’t insist that couples live very close by for 50/50 which I think should be a condition of doing it. Some dads are crap which is partly why the adult relationship fails. There’s everything right about a court acknowledging that. They can still have a relationship with their kids. They won’t suddenly excel as fathers given 50/50. It’s a policy that seems to prioritise massaging male ego above kids’ daily living experience.

I suspect that the better option is for you to say ok 50/50, I'll have dc every other week, so every other weekend ... he obviously doesn't want them on Friday and Saturday nights so will try to get it changed. You need to come across as the fair reasonable one.

basically it’s about you,

Totally selfish. Probably because you think you can stay pt ( how do you afford that?) and you want cms to help do so

how about your ex has your child and you see them when he dictates? That would give stability. No? Didn’t think so

I don't think courts go 'yeah but I have decided I don't want this'

I'd it was so detrimental you wouldn't need to come up with arguments or ways around laws or whatever

People have children with someone then after that it is 'has ro be done my way' women all complain 'where are the fathers' so a father wants 50/50 'oh no that can't be allowed'

Sure tell the court what you have said on here of you think your arguments are enough then you have nothing to worry about

@ChocNice some mums are crap too and some relationships fail due to women too you know.

In this day and age, why do some people still believe that children belong to their mother, more than their father? Not all men just want it to avoid maintenance, some feel the same about the idea of being apart from their DC as their DM does.

DC’s best friend has been doing 50/50 for 3 years since they split, and is absolutely fine. The dad is in all the school WhatsApp groups and everyone knows to include both parents on party invites etc.

I think as your DD has not done an overnight with her dad, suggesting a gradual build up would be sensible. Also agree that 50/50 should be genuine 50/50 and not him taking the 'best' 50%.