Has anyone been successful in fighting 50/50 custody?

[Sarahd3342]

Hi,

If anyone here has been successful in fighting off 50/50 custody please could you explain how you did it?
I have got some arguments which include that I work part time (he will say his hours are flexible and they are but they are still ft), that I have all school holidays off, that I have a history of caring for our child during all holidays, that it would be disruptive to his routine, that I am closer to his school etc, that I am better at providing for her needs etc. but I don't think it's enough. There were some safeguarding concerns on his part and he has to do a parenting course but he will do that and he is on his best behaviour. I also don't know what to submit in terms of evidence. It says I have a few pages I can submit to he court...of what. To build my case as to why I am so worthy?

For anyone that has got this far, please do not comment if you are saying "why shouldn't he get 50/50?" It is not helpful. I believe that he should see our child as much as he can but the thought of our child having "2 homes" and 2 routines sickens me - our child will not cope with the disruption.

If he is likely to get 50/50 then suggest every other week. He drops at school on a Monday and you collect from school on a Monday so he can’t play silly devils. Agree all childcare responsibilities until childcare no longer needed. Also Christmas, birthdays, school holidays, holidays abroad.

I doubt he really wants 50/50 - weekend nights are great to do stuff with your kids and he doesn’t want those nights! It’s usually maintenance related or abuse related and they think you will continue to pick up the slack. Sick days. Holidays etc.

So if he will get 50/50 get it to suit you.

@Sarahd3342 this may be useful for you to understand what a judge may look for.

https://austinkemp.co.uk/2023/06/05/chances-of-father-getting-50-50-custody/

Well then you can let him have primary custody and you have them on the weekend.

Oh, that's not what you meant?

Point out he wants to pick and choose the dates (no Friday and Saturday nights) which shows he is putting his own wants above his child’s needs.

Also, show the history that when she was previously off school ill he didn’t rearrange his schedule to be at home looking after her but assumed you would take that role, there is no evidence that this would change in the future.

If he doesn't currently have any overnights, its unlikely this will go to 50/50.

I would start from a position of "DD has an established, consistent routine where she lives with me and spends some daytime time with her dad in the community. I'm supportive of gradually increasing this time now that he has done his parenting course and I would suggest every other saturday night plus one tea time."

In fact, I might be tempted to email him in advance of the court date (but after he has finished the parenting course) and offer him every other Saturday night. Hopefully he'll refuse and then you'll have that for evidence in court that he's not actually keen to have her more.

Yes, my ex pushed for 50/50 , he got 30% instead. And he rarely actually has them. He's been away for the last two months and isn't going to have them again till early December. And he knew that was his lifestyle for large chunks of the year when he asked for 50/50. I think he just didn't want to pay maintenance. I pointed out it we were to equally split all the children's costs he would actually be paying a lot more (they both have expensive hobbies and tutors etc)

My DD did 50/50 from aged 6. She says now, as an adult that it was the best thing we did in the circumstances. She has lots of friends whose parents are divorced. Some parents used the children as weapons against the other, some mothers stopped the father from seeing their child, some only saw their fathers once in a blue moon. My DD had 2 parents whom she saw equally. She had her own bedroom in each home, her own toys / clothes etc, saw her cousins and grandparents from both sides regularly as she did before the split. As a teenager she had more choice to move between each home, whichever suited her social life!
Not seeing her a week at a time in the early days was really tough for me, but I very soon got used to it because I could see that she was happy.
I think when a child has lived full time with both parents and then suddenly only sees one of them for a day a week it’s cruel and heartless. Neither parent is putting the needs of their child first - which is ultimately to have an equal relationship with both parents. The practicalities of how to manage 50/50 should not get in the way of doing it.

You are approaching this from the perspective that both parents are decent though.

My daughter says she breathes a sigh of relief when she knows shes with me for a long stretch as she finds her dad so domineering.

Like the op's ex, he's a "tolerable in small doses" parent

And also @Soontobe60 I think it is offensive and misogynistic to suggest it is mothers "weaponising" their children rather than mothers trying to shield their children from someone who they know won't create a safe home for them

My son refused to go to his dad's at all for several years. That was his choice because he felt so unsafe. It was actually hugely tough and exhausting for me to never get a break.

I totally agree with this. I know someone, who told me she spent over 100k protecting her children. She’s a lawyer herself in a different area. Another, couple who split and I think both parents alone would have perhaps worked. Except the dad is now with a woman, whose behaviour at times is pathological. I’ve been the victim of that a couple of times. The daughter is now copying her traits and oscillates from being overly loving and caring to vile outbursts against my dd… a sort of love bombing and discarding I suppose.

Kindly OP, it sounds like you want to fight 50/50 because YOU want them more.
It's very hard and not at all pleasant to be in this situation.

Look at it from the court's point of view though. How would they decide which parent to award the majority of care to if they couldn't order 50/50? Names out of a hat?

There's not much point having a court system if all they do is award 50/50 as a blanket thing because any other decision would be too hard.

They clearly should look at all the facts, including parents jobs/lifestyles and any evidence of abuse etc.

Yes, but remember you're hearing it all from the other side's perspective. You're inclined to believe your friends but they are going to be biased.

50:50 can be made to work but absolutely it is reasonable to fight him getting the "easy" 50% of the time - if it's going to be 50:50 it needs to be 50% each of school nights, 50% each of full weekends and 50% each of school holidays. How dare he suggest that he gets all the friday and saturday nights free?

I agree that your reasons in the OP are too weak but focusing on what's in the best interests of the child may work better. Some children are fine to split their time between 2 homes. Others really need to have a secure and established single home and are happier to have the other be just a nice place they visit. Do you have any evidence that your child is in the latter category?

This is one big issue with 50/50. It's one thing if the other parent is involved or becomes involved in all part of DC lives, but it's a different matter if they have 50/50 time but don't parent 50/50. It's more problematic with my kids because they have SN, but while XH wanted 50/50 he never meant 50/50 of the parenting and the doctors and therapists and specialists and all the meetings with school and the more normal sport training and extracurriculars and running the kids around to parties and playdates. If any of those happened on his nights or his weekend he expects me to do it, he tells the kids they can go to parties on his time if I take them. 50/50 works well if you have 2 amicable involved and grown up parents, when one's a selfish angry jerk it's not what is best for the kids.

Well of course they do. But having done so, when they find two parents both of who are capable of doing 50% of childcare, how do you propose that they arbitrarily award more care to one parent?

Also, if one parent has the majority of care it often means that they won't be able to work full time until the children are at secondary school or they will need to rely on more childcare. This can be really problematic for a lot of families in these straitened times and it might well be unaffordable for either parent to be part time when the money has to stretch to two households. 50/50 care means both parents can work full time, it means more money for both households and it means less hardship for the children.

I find people who have had the privilege of being the primary caregiver during the relationship less accepting of this new reality because they find it hard to accept the role of the other parent and they often have a sense of entitlement that their needs will be met before the other parent's so they consider the financial impacts of what they are asking for less. In the past they might have gotten what they wanted in court but it was also a not infrequent problem that the non-resident parents - with little left to lose - "lost" jobs etc to bring the whole arrangement down, resulting in endless litigation for the parties (which wasn't good for the children either).

Why on earth should job come into it? In many cases if one spouse works part time the other one needs to work full time to accommodate that financially, why should that then penalise them in the event of a divorce and mean they have less time with their children because of it?

@DustyAmuseAlien I do really believe that dad is better at being the "fun" dad. With his "out in the community" antics it's actually putting him at his best. He would do things like take her to her swimming classes, help her on her scooter etc. But actual parenting? That's where he struggles...getting her to eat dinner (his solution ..sausages and chips and other rubbish), not going to bed...getting really cross and frightening her into going to bed etc. How do I prove/evidence these things? Take a picture of me doing the laundry?!! Take a picture of me helping her do her homework? She's only just started school and is 5.

@DustyAmuseAlien how can I prove that my child is better off in one home when she hasn't had to live in two homes? The only way we would get her to sleep if we hadn't stayed at home would be for me to get into bed with her.

Well, for instance, my ex's job involved him going away for long and unpredictable stretches. Not all jobs are 9-5.

It’s interesting that all cries of it’s better if my child doesn’t do 50:50 do so on the basis they think they should be the ones with majority care and able to dictate what happens. Swap it round so they’re the one with eow and suddenly that stability is not a good outcome!

of course there are cases where it’s not right. Haven’t seen any basis from ops posts yet which typically revolve around her not wanting to let go

My DC are with me 10 nights a fortnight and XH a total of 4 nights a fortnight, they still have 2 homes and a chunk of their life I'm no longer a part of. They have a secure stable base with me, I parent and XH is more like a glorified baby sitter, but they still have 2 homes. XH home is theirs too and I wouldn't want them to feel differently. I feel you're getting hung up on the one home thing, you need to be able to articulate what she needs and why it's so important personally for her to get that. What does having one home mean in your mind? Sometimes when I can't find the answers I park it for a bit and come back to it later and meanwhile my brains quietly worked out what I meant.

Thankfully my XH didn't want to spend money and time on mediation when I didn't cave straight away. He doesn't even use the extra time he's supposed to get in school holidays. Oh and before PPs accuse me of wanting to not share my kids so I dont have to work I'm too scared of his reaction to claim child support. Its me supporing the kids and providing for them the vast majority of the time not their dad who earns 4 times as much and is very well off. That's actually the case for all the single mums I know who's EXa only have the kids a little or not at all. They carry the financial, emotional and physical load and do the vast majority of the care for their kids. I'd love to have a coparent to share the load, my friends would too, that's never going to happen.

’some parents’ means both the mother and the father. This is not anecdotal, it’s factual. In fact, one thing that did influence me in agreeing to 50/50 was how a close set of friends behaved when they split up. Both parents behaved appallingly and used their children as weapons to hurt each other. The children massively paid the price.

and yet you would never agree to F being the primary home and you only having EOW or whatever you are suggesting for him to meet child's need for a settled base. So it's not really about a child having a primary home. It's about YOU being the primary home for the child.