Has anyone been successful in fighting 50/50 custody?

[Sarahd3342]

Hi,

If anyone here has been successful in fighting off 50/50 custody please could you explain how you did it?
I have got some arguments which include that I work part time (he will say his hours are flexible and they are but they are still ft), that I have all school holidays off, that I have a history of caring for our child during all holidays, that it would be disruptive to his routine, that I am closer to his school etc, that I am better at providing for her needs etc. but I don't think it's enough. There were some safeguarding concerns on his part and he has to do a parenting course but he will do that and he is on his best behaviour. I also don't know what to submit in terms of evidence. It says I have a few pages I can submit to he court...of what. To build my case as to why I am so worthy?

For anyone that has got this far, please do not comment if you are saying "why shouldn't he get 50/50?" It is not helpful. I believe that he should see our child as much as he can but the thought of our child having "2 homes" and 2 routines sickens me - our child will not cope with the disruption.

There is basically zero chance that he will have to pay you almost a fifth of his take home salary in spousal support!

From experience (an inlaws, not my own) be VERY careful mentioning his working hours. Relative was basically told that the reason her ex had to work all the hours including school hols was due to needing to support her part time salary as well as his child. He got 50/50, no maintenance awarded, and she went back to work full time out of necessity.

However I will say he is now a far far far better Dad than he ever showed hints of being when they were together!

OP I agree with you about 50/50. I do suspect for your ex it is financially motivated.

IF the courts want 50/50 it needs to be very equal. Same amount of weekend nights and days, school nights, etc. I'd try and think of set days each week because then you both have fixed days every single week that are "yours" which can be really helpful for childcare, after school activities, clubs, what days you can work any times you need want to, etc. Often if they're not fixed days there's disagreements about childcare bills, responsibilities when they're ill, will they be taken to their swimming lessons for example and who will pay etc etc. So yeah, if you do end up with 50/50 insist on a week split in half somehow rather than alternate weeks or faffy schedules. It needs to be crystal clear set days and times. Not just for you but for your child.

I suspect even if he gets 50/50 he won't stick to it!

Me and my DH have not split as yet but I have sought the advice of a solicitor I said I guessed he would have them every other weekend but told me that she would advise me not to go for this as he has not cared for our children for a prolonged time (he's only looked after all three once for four hours!) and therefore it would not be good for the children as he would not be able to cope and she believed she could put forward a decent case for it. She said to keep a record of everything that goes on at home. Also that she could ask for his records from his therapist which may talk about his parenting and highlight any issues also.

I would suggest that for 50/50 you try a pattern such as Monday evening to Wednesday morning him, Wednesday evening to Friday morning you, then Friday evening to Monday morning alternate between you. Each parents responsibility only runs from school pick up - so if DD is ill, it is the responsibility of the parent she wakes up with (including if she falls I'll at school). That way you would both get two regular nights a week (clubs, childcare etc) and you both get two full weekends with her each month.

It often reduces stress on the child to swap direct from school rather than having to say goodbye to the other parent, and the insistence on both of your rights to a full weekend with her, and the days when he would have to be responsible if she is ill, might change his mind about it! She's also more likely to have the right things for school with a regular routine.

@Sarahd3342 Whoa, I didn't say you wouldn't get spousal maintenance or that it would only be £400. That was specific to another case. What I was saying was the solicitor was wrong to guarantee that you would get it. There was a recent case where a man got 50/50 custody and earned around £6.4k a month net who was ordered to pay around £1.2k for four years (to all intents and purposes it amounted to about the same as if they were paying child maintenance with no overnights).

However, in these situations there tends to be a more even asset split or high income/no assets. There was another recent case that included abuse with no assets to speak of, similar outcome but extendable term (but it would be a rare event indeed when a court actually extends a term).

Also, if you were looking for sole use of a shared FMH as another part of the negotiation you might find it's either that or SM rather than both on that salary because a court would find it unfair to make him rent and pay maintenance. Or at best you'll find what he has to pay in spousal maintenance he gets back when the house is finally sold.

Ultimately the court will look to separate you financially as soon as possible but that won't always be immediate and if there is a long term cost as a result, they will make sure you share that burden with him. I would generally recommend looking for full time work sooner rather than later to best provide for your child and to have certainty of income but I say that based only on loose facts shared on a public forum.

How are you 'better'?

Many parents work full time - that doesn't make them worse parents!

I think it's wrong to think that 50/50 is only ever for the parents" benefit and not the kids.

Our child has 2 mums and we have DC equally. Me and my ex live metres from each other on the same street. We both work part time (substantial part time) have DC in the holidays and weekends equally, take to activities, discuss and share responsibility for medical appointments. We both supervise homework and keep to a similar routine and bedtime and a similar sorts of food at each house. We are totally amicable and sometimes share meals and sit together at special events etc. We buy "santa" and birthday presents jointly together to avoid duplication or competition.

We live so nearby that if anything is forgotten, it's asy to nip to the other house for it.

Why would this sort of arrangement be worse for a child than living mainly with one mum?

What is he planning to do if he has his children for half the school holidays? Will he re-negotiate his working hours/holidays or will he put them in childcare?

OP's DH has been required to take a parenting course. No wonder OP has reservations about 50:50.

@CaptainBensonthank you

@thepariscrimefiles well, hilariously, his initial plans were that during the holidays, every other day, he would collect her from my care at 5pm and return her to me the following morning...

Something I read often on MN is that SM is almost never awarded. I think that generalisation is unhelpful because every case is so fact specific. I earn over £100k. I work 4 days a week. My ex earns 4-5 times my salary. When she left me for OW, I asked my work to increase to FT but this was not possible at the time. On any view I earn a good salary, but my cost base (essential costs like mortgage, bills, travel to work and food, not including holidays or any other discretionary items) is high because of where we live (I can't move away because of DD school).

I got £1k a month SM for 18 months - being the period of time which was determined reasonable to allow me either to increase my hours to full time or get another job.

@Elektra1 what do you do for a living to give you £100k on 4 days? :) Just potentially looking for a career change!!! My part time teacher salary isn't going to be enough. I live in a nice area too and was dependent on my husband's salary. Keen not to move because of Dd's school (the reason we moved to the area). To be honest, I don't really want SM - I don't want to be dependent on him...I'd rather a larger cut of the property. My lawyer said it starts at 50/50...

I'm a lawyer

As for the 50/50, if he wants that then it's not on the basis that you're doing all the school pick ups and he just collects them from yours when his work is finished. If he wants 50/50 then he has 50% of the responsibility for picking up and dropping off, sick days, etc.

Considering another thread I’m on is people talking about dc “visiting” dad’s home and totally misunderstanding my point that when I dc has two homes they are just going home and not visiting, I totally understand your desire to ensure your dc has a clear home/base. I don’t think 50/50 is best for the dc but people confuse equality and equity. The men I’ve seen do it is usual for financial reasons to avoid maintenance but it soon begins to slip. Maybe I’ve just been unlucky with the examples I’ve seen.

This is really sad.

My STBXH is having 50:50. His new house will be our children’s home just as much as my house is. We both refer to the houses as “your home with mummy” and “your home with daddy”. I’m sure it will evolve to just be Mum or Dad’s but it’s important at the minute that we reinforce that they have two homes and neither is more important than the other.

I grew up with 50:50 and both were home. I think it is much more about parental attitudes (on both sides) than the concept of moving between houses.

Your situation is very unusual, I am sure you would agree! And the amount of spousal maintenance you got was only around 3-4% of her income and for only 18 months. So it still goes to show how reluctant the courts are to award spousal maintenance these days.

@Elektra1 oh a lawyer..it may take a while for me to restrain and catch up on that front! Yes he should be responsible for all the different parts, not just when he chooses. But then I would just be so keen to be with my dd I sort of wouldn't see the point of not picking her up if I was available and he wasn't when I'm only round the corner.

Good idea

You both sound like reasonable and capable parents who can coparent and communicate well together - this doesn't sound anything like the ops ex

Op please keep us updated I have a horrible emotionally abusive bad tempered neglectful ex who is demanding 50/50 since moving in with his gf (he has done two overnights so far) I am trying my best to make this slow and gradual at baby's pace (he left while I was pregnant so he has no experience of living with baby) and I also have the concern that he can be fun for a short time but will get very angry and moody when stressed and sleep deprived (I have a hole in my wall as a reminder of that but little other proof other than my word against his)

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I'm sorry you're going through this. I will keep you updated. I think you're right to be doing it slowly. My ex ran straight off to court. I've been logging things/keeping records of everything.

Yes, I agree - but there are some generalisations on this thread along the lines that 50/50 isn't in a child's best interests and it's for the parents' benefit. I was just trying to say that it can work really well for the child - my child likes the arrangement - and isn't harmed, confused or disadvantaged by it at all, as I see it. In itself, having two equal homes isnt damaging - particularly where they are close together and the practical difficulties are minimised by cooperative parents. Each parent gets a good break in the week and can come to parenting refreshed and ready when it is her turn..