Has anyone been successful in fighting 50/50 custody?

[Sarahd3342]

Hi,

If anyone here has been successful in fighting off 50/50 custody please could you explain how you did it?
I have got some arguments which include that I work part time (he will say his hours are flexible and they are but they are still ft), that I have all school holidays off, that I have a history of caring for our child during all holidays, that it would be disruptive to his routine, that I am closer to his school etc, that I am better at providing for her needs etc. but I don't think it's enough. There were some safeguarding concerns on his part and he has to do a parenting course but he will do that and he is on his best behaviour. I also don't know what to submit in terms of evidence. It says I have a few pages I can submit to he court...of what. To build my case as to why I am so worthy?

For anyone that has got this far, please do not comment if you are saying "why shouldn't he get 50/50?" It is not helpful. I believe that he should see our child as much as he can but the thought of our child having "2 homes" and 2 routines sickens me - our child will not cope with the disruption.

Is there a reason why your child would find it more difficult than the average child? How old is she?

@Sarahd3342

Just going through your reasons:

1) Working part time.
Can you afford to work part time after the split? If not, this might not be a strong argument because you will be expected to maximise your earning capacity. If you're only able to afford to work part time if you get maintenance from him, then in reality you can't necessarily afford to work part time any more than he can. The finances are going to be dealt with after the split of childcare so if he is able to do 50/50 then the court might draw the conclusion that this allows you both to work full time.

2) School holidays
Same as above. If you can no longer afford to do that, it might not be a credible argument. Also, you've only been able to cover school holidays to date because he has financially supported you. That may no longer be viable and you might both have to work full time.

3) Better at Providing for her needs
Hard to prove.

4) Safeguarding Concerns
This could potentially be a stronger argument. However, I would exercise caution if the behaviour is minor or the evidence is weak because you don't want to risk discrediting yourself in court.

The safeguarding concern is the only one that might work but

I believe that he should see our child as much as he can

completely cancels that out. If you think he is safe to look after your child some of the time then he doesn't become unsafe at 50/50

None of these are legitimate reasons. Full time working parents are very capable of having custody of their children, millions of people do. Working part time is not advantageous for a school aged child from
a residency point of view.

If you can prove he is a safeguarding risk then that’s different but that would apply to any amount of custody.

“I don’t like it” or “my child won’t like it” isn’t worth anything. Having 2 homes isn’t a negative if well managed.

The safeguarding argument is your strongest potential argument.

Courts don’t “punish” parents for using childcare because of work so working part-time term-time isn’t a strong argument. People who worked part-time often have to switch to full-time work because living is expensive and half the house equity and a mortgage from a part-time wage is usually insifficient to buy again.

Tbh your best bet may be to wait until he realises how hard 50/50 is and asks for less. For example he may not have considered how long school runs take from his house and that if it’s quite far then dd is likely to be one grumpy about them. There’s also 13 weeks of school holidays. While his job is flexible, how would dd waking up sick affect things? Does he want to date, socialise with his friends? Is he one of those men on here with a time consuming hobby? Once he realises that he can’t ask you to watch her on a Wednesday night and Saturday morning because he wants to go to football training, is he likely to fold?

@Snorlaxo that's desperately what I am hoping for. Yes, where he's living now is further away. His proposals give him Fri and sat nights off (I'm guessing he wants to go dating). His proposals fit around the gym. Dd waking up sick...he would just send her in so he could carry on working! And yep, 13 weeks of holidays. As I work in education they are a doddle for me. His flexible work...too many times he was stressed when DD wasn't going to bed "on time" and couldn't get his catch up work done in the evening.

How old is your child?

are you not returning to work full time ?

of your reasons only the safeguarding is relevant and until to see how this us an issue if you’re happy to send your child to him, just not for more time than you’re happy with.

I don't think 50:50 is best for most children (but the courts do). I've heard of parents writing first refusal clauses in to child access agreements, could you look in to that? That was if there are any days he cannot do he has to ask you first before arranging alternative care. It might help tip the balance past 50%. Or if this is about avoiding maintenance- could you afford to tell him you don't want any money as long as you can have her line with you?

Yes.

A mix of safeguarding issues/abuse towards me; his inability to co parent (all his communications with me were toxic), him being away for work regularly and inconsistently, and the children being pretty young when we split.

Not sure what the primary factor was but the judge agreed with me

(Cafcass thought he was some kind of dreamboat despite the police and medical reports and communications from school...)

Im sorry but basically you’re saying as he works ft he shouldn’t get 50:50

so unfair and completely disrespectful to all ft working parents.

Why don't you want 50:50?

And no he doesn't get every Friday and Saturday off. It needs to be a fair share of time.
If he sends her to school sick ensure school calls him and notes it.
Contact is not set in stone, it will vary over time.
When she is older she will have more and more say over how much she has.

Remember contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the child not the parent.

@WindsurfingDreams thank you. How old were your children? What evidence did you show to the court? I can apparently submit a few pages. People will dislike me for this but the underlying reason is that I don't want our child to be moving between different homes and would like her to feel she has a fixed home. I don't think the courts really care about that though.
Re safeguarding, it wasn't the worst - I expect he will do his parenting course, the judge will say well done to him for that and then it will be 50/50.

You’ll be expected to maximise your income, so saying you are part-time won’t help you.

It’s hard to fight. None of your arguments will really carry any weight.

I am better at providing for her need - this kind of thing really does not go down well.

Hi,

It looks like I'm facing a losing battle as people have said my arguments are weak.

What arguments have been used successfully?

There aren’t really any

It just seems so wrong that a young child can be forced to live in different homes and have disruption caused upon their lives. And then a dad who has taken approximately 10 days off over school holidays (most of which to care for our child jointly) in the last year can suddenly have them half of the time.

I think the best bet would be to push for an equal 50:50 of the days

eg one week with your DC and one without or some staggered set up where he doesn't cherry pick the days that work for him and clear responsibility for sick days and vacation

and hope that having to do 50% but full time when it's his turn makes him reconsider

I did, our judge ordered every other weekend with teatime contact during the week. My argument was that they were safe, happy, well rounded children with an established contact pattern and therefore 50/50 would not be in their best interest. I basically said 'prove 50/50 would be better' and the judge agreed that it wasn't.

@NameChange34690521478 that is what hope for. How long ago was this?

@NameChange34690521478 what are your school holidays arrangements?

The court doesn’t care what you think is best for your child, they care about what they think is best for your child and having equal access to both parents is what they see as best. You working part time means nothing, it’s on him to organise childcare during his time with your child so it won’t be taken into account. Unless he is abusive and harming your child there is no reason the court would think it wasn’t in their best interest.

Amazes me that 50/50 is seen as "best for the child" under the guise of "equal access to both parents." Yeah, it's that, but it's a shit way for them to live otherwise. Not in their best interests at all imo.

@Sarahd3342 this was last year. Our holiday pattern is half the week each for half term, two separate weeks each in the summer with the rest being normal pattern and alternate Xmas day etc

Works for us, works for the kids. My absolute nightmare would be to see my kids shifted about. It works for some but mine would hate it. They need a stable base and the judge agreed with me. He was a bit short with ExDH for trying to uproot them when they were settled. He said he sympathised with ExDH that it was hard not to see them on his non contact days but ultimately, it was better for the kids to not be nomadic. I whole heartedly agree!

I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that even if you are successful in opposing a 50:50 split overall you child will still have two homes. That is a reality of separation, it doesn’t matter what the division of time is, they will have two bedrooms, two kitchens etc. Also the court is highly likely to order half of all school holidays (it is exceptionally rare they don’t). The reality is that there is now a firm belief (built on psychology etc) that where possible children should have both parents equally involved in their lives. It supports their sense of identity and self worth, otherwise kids often think “what’s wrong with me? Why does dad/mum only want me every other weekend?”. If you don’t support the concept that you ex is an equal parent (regardless of what the court orders) then you are setting your child up for instability far more than moving between homes as part of a planned routine, which will happen anyway it is just the division of time you are arguing about.

What is the current arrangement? And is he doing it?

Im a single parent and have lots of single parent friends.. My experience is that it is quite hard for a dad who has not previously done a significant proportion of the care to step up and do it.

So my suggestion would be to try and persuade the court to make the change slowly over a couple of years. Give good reasons why - the safeguarding, lack of experience etc - and suggest an initial every other weekend plus one night in the week to gradually increase to 50/50 with one week on, one week off. There is a good chance that once he’s “won” at court that he’ll never bother increasing it.